


Apprentice of the Dark Side

by sadspacewitch



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Falling In Love, Romance, Slow Burn, apprentice teacher dynamic, kylo ren to ben solo, not particularly graphic violence, separate canon, some violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-09-28 10:20:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 102,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20424347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadspacewitch/pseuds/sadspacewitch
Summary: Captain Artemis of the Resistance has been fighting the First Order since she was old enough to choose her life for herself, but things don't always go as planned and she finds herself on the wrong side of the battlefield as the new apprentice of the dark side of the Force.





	1. Chapter 1

“Concentrate, Captain Artemis. Just feel the calmness… and the chaos... and all that is between,” the older woman’s soft voice spoke to me as I sat meditating and trying my best to follow. “There is not much I can teach you, but this is only the beginning of your path. Just reaching out with your feelings.”

“Is this what you learned from your brother?” I asked in a breathy whisper, keeping my eyes closed to remain in concentration as much as I could.

“The very little I could learn before he left, yes,” the General explained. “Now focus, just focus.”

And I did, on everything and anything I could feel on that deeper level, the level that exists beyond bodily feelings. There was so much to explore here, so much to see, and I had experienced so little of it. Reaching out, reaching out, and… I… I lost it.

My eyes popped open and I laid my gaze upon her warm, wrinkled visage: General Leia Organa, a leader in the Resistance and a Skywalker by blood. Also a woman I aspire to be like and would do most anything for.

“Lost it again?” she asked kindly.

I nodded, turning my gaze down to my lap and feeling a small amount of shame.

“Thank you for taking the time out of your day to teach me General. I’m sorry I keep doing this. I really am trying,” I bowed to her from my seat, one hand nervously holding the other as I tried to show as much humility as possible. I truly was lucky to be in this position.

“It’s okay, Captain. You’re only just beginning still, and I don’t expect you to be as force sensitive as Luke, or even me right off the bat. That wouldn’t be fair.”

“Well, is there someone else who should be in my place then? Someone better? I don’t want to waste your time-”

“Not at all. If I teach you, you can teach others and they can go on to teach others. I don’t believe we can bring the Jedi back alone, but we may be a good start. Having some Force-using Resistance fighters could never hurt. Even if they can only do very little, it’s better than to not have them at all.”

“But, why me General?”

“Your work moving supplies out of the Jinata system was very impressive, Captain. Your impeccable intuition allowed you to get your crew out of that sticky situation. The other captains I am teaching are also well-known for pulling off rather difficult missions, so you see, you fit in perfectly,” she smiled.

A part of me didn’t believe her, and I doubted I ever completely would, but I would do what was asked of me and I would try my best.

“Thank you, General. I’ll practice as much as I can and do better next time.” I stood up off the seat and bowed before her again. It was never asked of me, but it just felt right, especially knowing General Organa’s place in all this and her history of leading the last great rebellion.

“I know you will, Captain. We’ll set a time for our next lesson when you return from your mission,” she held a thoughtful hand up to her chin as she watched me leave.

“I will see you then, General.”

“May the Force be with you, Captain.”

“May the Force be with you, General.”

And with that, I left General Organa’s office.

As I wandered through the halls of the Resistance Base’s tunnels, lined with pipes to carry power through the whole settlement, I found myself tiredly rubbing my eyes and stretching my neck as I sang a simple little tune to myself. I was trying to keep myself as awake as possible while I made my way back to my sleeping quarters.

I had to wonder if this training would be worth it in the end. Back in the days of the Galactic Republic, Jedi were trained since they were young in order to master the Jedi arts, such as using the Force and wielding a lightsaber. By those standards, I must be considered ancient as a beginner to my training, but there was no other way any longer.

The story we’d all heard around the Resistance base was that Luke Skywalker no longer taught new padawans since Kylo Ren betrayed him. After that, Skywalker felt that his methods of teaching were ineffective in preventing his students from being tempted by the Dark Side of the Force - I wondered what made the General think that us captains would be safe from it. Skywalker then fled without a trace. The Resistance still haven’t got a clue as to where he was. His remaining Jedi padawans were either killed or recruited by Kylo Ren to become members of the Knights of Ren, and that was where the Resistance’s knowledge of the events end. At least, this was the story that we’d all passed around as gossip in the years since it happened.

And stories really are all we have, so we have little choice but to trust in them.

My path back to my quarters was eventually disrupted by a member of my supply pick-up and scavenging team.

“Captain! How did your meeting with General Organa go?” the girl, a couple years younger than me asked. Her name was Ursa and we’d become quite close friends since we started working together a couple years ago. She always called me by either Captain or Artie, one extreme or the other, loyal submission or friendly familiarity.

“Oh, Ursa! It went… okay. It could have gone better, to be honest. A  _ lot _ better.”

“Well, I’m sure learning to use the Force isn’t supposed to be easy. But you’re so empathic, I’m sure you’ll be great at this stuff once you get over the beginner’s hump! And then you can teach me,” she teased, releasing a playful giggle.

“What does empathic have anything to do with it?” I asked, simultaneously realizing it’s not a word I would associate with myself. “It doesn’t make you good at this job, does it, empathy? I try to  _ not _ show emotions on missions. The First Order finds it synonymous with weakness, after all.”

“You say that, but you’re always willing to toss a few credits to some beggars or children,” her bright green eyes smirked at me.

“It lets them know the Resistance is here to inspire hope, that we want to help. It helps to ensure that they’ll think of us positively,” I explained, as we passed by a group of pilots, still in their bright orange jumpsuits and gear. They were likely on their way to grab a bite to eat after arriving back from an assignment.

They ogled Ursa as we walked by, as many often did. She was a beautiful, bubbly, curvy-bodied woman, and on the base we’d run into the same people all the time so they knew that she loved to be just as flirty back. She eyed them as we moved past, pouting her lips out in a seductive smirk and winking. I let my shoulders fall before tapping her arm to bring her attention back. It was as if nothing had happened when she answered,

“Most of them had no idea we were even with the Resistance, but nice try. You’re just kind; you feel for people. You feel what others feel, and that’s why you will be a fantastic Force user!”

“Whatever, Ursa,” I chuckled, playfully shoving her shoulder. She giggled and shoved me back.

“Geez, so defensive. Any word on new missions?” she asked, allowing the conversation to change.

“We’ll be leaving on a mission to the Hosnian system tomorrow. No one’s told you about it yet?”

She froze in her step, looking at me as if waiting to hear a ‘just kidding!’

“Oh, you’re serious?”  
“Yes! Very much serious! I’m going back to my quarters to finish packing right now.”

“Well then,” she said, beginning to move forwards once more. “I better go pack.”

“Yes, please do,” I urged her, watching her run off down the hall and shaking my head.

I entered my room, where my bed sat with my bagged up clothes atop it, and in the corner was my BB-series droid, 2B. She came out of sleep mode and rolled towards me as I stepped inside and sat on my bed. I took a deep breath as I thought about everything: my training, the mission tomorrow, and the stories of the past. It had all been swirling around my mind as of late.

2B beeped angrily at me.

“I’m sorry, hello 2B. I missed you while I was training.”

Now, she beeped happily at me.

“Are you ready? You’re gonna be aboard the ship tomorrow. It’s your turn. If we need you to fix something, you can’t freak out again like last time.”

She beeped angrily at me once more.

“I’m not trying to be an ass, I’m just saying. It’s life or death.”

2B could be very high strung at times, but I didn’t have the heart to tell her she couldn’t have her turn at being the mission’s astromech. I had to give her her own chance to shine.

“Could you play the mission briefing once more 2B? I just want to make sure I’ve prepared all that I need.”

Most briefings were given by a higher up, but this one was given by General Organa herself. She barely had time to train us chosen captains in the Force, but she took a moment to create the hologram for this mission. It was probably nothing, but it made me a bit suspicious admittedly. Why was this one so different?

As I dimmed the lights, 2B aimed her small holo-projector into the air to show the General from the shoulders up which, once I sat back down on the bed beside my packed bags, was at eye level with me.

“Hello, Captain. We’re in need of some more food rations and tools, which we have a new contact for on Hosnian Prime. They will meet with you in order to make the exchange, however, we have been warned that the presence of the First Order has been stronger than usual as of late. The coordinates have been given to your droid along with this hologram, as usual.”

And that is where 2B paused the hologram.

“Why did you pause it? I thought there was more?”

She beeped sassily at me from the darkness, a shine of blue light from the hologram highlighting her shape.

“No, I remember it, she explained something about the city I think.”

She beeped once more, causing my agitation level to rise.

“Show me the whole hologram, 2B! If General Organa sent it to me, it must be important!”

More angry beeping, but she obliged and let it play once more. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if she acted this way out of nervousness or pettiness. Maybe I could get her programming changed.

“Make your way through the city to them, and as long as you do nothing to raise suspicion, the contact should be agreeable to you as they have been loyal to the Resistance.

“Now, Captain Artemis, this part of the message is only to be sent to you. In case I do not see you the morning of your take off, or if I forget. Which happens sometimes when you take on the responsibilities of a general at my age,” she said with a warm laugh.

“What is this, 2B? I’ve never seen this part before.” She responded with three loud, frustrated bleeps.

“Captain, I… I’ve got a bad feeling about this mission. As I mentioned, the First Order is infiltrating the Hosnian system with very little luck and they are becoming frustrated and uneasy. They may be more on their toes than usual. I want you to take extra care this time around. I have no reason to believe the mission is compromised, which is why I am suggesting you go ahead, but do be cautious.

“Also, and now this is… perhaps more personal than a General need be with her Captain but, I have something I must ask of you.” Her voice sounded softer all of a sudden.

I leaned forward in my spot, utterly entranced by this section of the message I hadn’t heard at any point in the previous week that I had it.

“If you see my son, Ben Solo, out there... please Captain, ask him to come home.”

“But how the fuck would I know it’s him?” I asked aloud.

“If I have taught you well, you will know him when you see him.”

She was good.

“Please Captain. Perhaps it isn’t wise to let my feelings enter this, but… I can’t shake this feeling. Please.” Her usually calm and ethereal voice had become pleading and emotional.

I realized now that my mouth was agape and my tongue was dry from the recycled air in my room. I regained my posture and continued listening.

“Good luck on your mission, Captain. I know you’ll succeed. The Resistance thanks you.”

And with that, the hologram ended for real and the image was clapped down and retreated back from the projector. I was in shock, but I turned back to the sassy little BB-unit, on the floor to the side of my legs.

“Did you ever plan on letting me see that, 2B?”

But, as she went on her adorable little tirade, all I could think about was what this meant. I had a million questions running across my mind: why would she think I would even run into her son? What did she know? Why was she entrusting me to recognize him, or to be the one who keeps an eye out for him? She had a bad feeling? Did that mean anything for certain? What if I did run into him but didn’t recognize him by whatever way she might imagine I would? How does she think I would recognize him? By using the Force?

The questions didn’t leave me as I removed my boots and laid back in my bed, attempting to get some sleep. No, instead they kept bumping around my thoughts, preventing me from being able to think about anything else.

I just need to remember my training, I reminded myself, trying to sit in my feelings and reach out just like the General taught me to. No matter how deeply I went, no matter the peace or balance I found, I felt uneasy. I couldn’t think too much about it before I finally did find some sleep.

The next day, we boarded our ship in the late morning after checking and double checking our cargo. I had a team of 6 today, with Ursa at my side as my assistant. She was co-piloting alongside Dara, a rather talented young pilot I’d worked with often. We took off from D’Qar, the home planet of the Resistance base, and set a course for hyperspace as I went over the information with my crew.

When we arrived in a hangar on Hosnian Prime, I took a moment before lowering the ramp to breathe deeply. My crew members were gathering in the loading bay, which helped my weird behaviour pass as though I was simply waiting for them all to gather before leaving, but the truth is I was stalling. I don’t know if it was General Organa’s words or my own intuition this time around, but I had a horrible twisting feeling in my gut and a mild headache pulsing near my temples.

“Are we ready, Captain?” Dara asked me. I was shaken from my thoughts and looked around at my team, who were all ready to head out on what should be yet another simple pick-up mission.

I swallowed harshly and nodded, picking up my head up to show my crew a confident face, one that will help us get through this mission. It was just another mission, after all. A pretty standard one at that.

“Let’s get this done with.” I hit the button to lower the ramp and then double checked that my blaster pistol was in its holster, hidden in my brown leather jacket. 2B stood at the top of the ramp, rolling slightly back and forth, nervously watching us leave.

As we headed down the ramp, Ursa whispered to me.

“Artie, are you alright?”

I smiled weakly at her. “Fine, fine. I’m just… a bit unwell, I guess.”

“You seemed fine yesterday.”

I simply shrugged at her as we entered the open space of the hanger and began heading for the exit. As we approached the area, we were greeted by an elegantly dressed Togrutan woman who had rather intricate and beautiful grey facial markings and head-tails over her regal white skin. I approached her ahead of my crew in order to identify myself as the leader.

“I take it you are Captain Artemis, with whom I am to meet?” she asked diplomatically, holding a delicate claw towards me.

“Erm, indeed, I am,” I stuttered as I shook her hand. “I take it you are to be our guide?” I ask her, pulling out my holopad to show her a hologram of a map grid, a bright little dot sitting at the address we were meant to find.

“Indeed. Let us move, the First Order are never far away lately. It is better not to stay in one place for too long.”

“How is business since they’ve arrived?” I asked, trying to make some idle conversation on something we could hopefully both agree on.

“Well, good, of course. They buy all the same things the Resistance does. It isn’t the businesses who are bothered by their presence. It’s those with the Resistance, and those with children who could be taken to join them.”

Of course, even the planet that was meant to be the capital for the New Republic, the First Order find their way into. With their sneaky little claws, they could use money to get the people on their side and help build up their businesses. Mechanical supply shops, any weapons manufacturers, even cantinas and restaurants must be reeling in the credits since they arrived. Why fight back? All is good until one of them kills someone for looking at them wrong.

Why was I so tense right now? It was this headache and this unease. It had me cynical. I had to focus on what was going on around me.

“Of course,” is all that I say as we exit the hangar and make our way down a city street.

I double check that my crew aren’t publicly wearing any symbols of the Resistance before pulling out my holopad again to check the distance to our final destination. It’s only a few blocks away, I noticed while observing the small blue glowing map.

“You managed to move the supplies quite close to the hangar for us. Impressive. Thank you for getting it so nearby. We are in a bit of a hurry, actually.”

“We are?” Ursa, a few feet behind me, asked quietly.

“This is only meant to be a short mission,” I explained. “A quick pick-up.”

The Togrutan woman jumped in,

“It is unfortunate that you will not be able to stay and enjoy some of the amenities offered here. We are a very large planet, mostly urban, with much for visitors to see and do.”

“It is unfortunate, but now is not the best time for us to be here, let alone for us to stay here.”

“I understand,” she said, her wispy voice trailing off.

I do see her point, however. Just the few blocks we walked were bustling with activity: a drunken aqualish man getting arrested by a pair of droid police, some far-from-home jawas trying to sell some junk at a stand, and a group of sullustans standing on a street corner and playing some unique looking instruments, which I figured they may have made themselves given their reputation as builders. The shops and restaurants we passed were headlined with neon lights and holograms to advertise themselves and invite customers inside, some written in languages I had never even seen before.

We finally approached the end of the block, which was a bit emptier. A small warehouse sat beside a nearly empty lot where a few speeders were parked. The woman led us inside the building, which had a few hanging lights to illuminate the large room. Some broken down equipment covered up with a cloth to the side led me to believe this must have previously been a factory.

In the middle of the room, a human man stood with his arms crossed impatiently and his foot tapping against the torn up floors. He was dressed rather regally as well. Him and the Togrutan woman must have been wealthy suppliers, leading me to believe that business had been well for them too.

Near his feet was a pile of crates and duffel bags.

“Finally! The Resistance just loves to make me wait,” he said with a laugh.

“Terribly sorry.” I wasn’t aware that we were late. According to the information I was given, we were right on time, but I wasn’t about to argue with him. Besides, the thumping in my head was only becoming harder to ignore. I just wanted to get out of here.

“May we?” I asked, gesturing Ursa to follow as I approached the baggage.

“Go ahead. It’s yours now, after all.”

He walked past the two of us to approach the woman, taking her hand in his. The rest of my crew was standing near the door, awaiting my signal to approach.

I opened the bags to examine some food rations, bagged up for preservation, as well as some boxes of tools. They all appeared to be in order. I nodded to Ursa.

“Well, it seems to all be here. Do you have a method to help us transport them back to our ship?”

“We have a speeder out back,” the woman said responded coyly.

“On the other hand, maybe we don’t want to share it,” the man now chimed in aggressively.

“Oh boy,” I exhaled quickly, letting my shoulders fall. “If you haven’t received your payment yet, General Organa said it should have arrived by now but it’s possible for it to be up to a couple days late.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that…” the man said, approaching us once more. I could see my crew suddenly on alert, hands slowly approaching their holsters. I reached behind me to grab something of Ursa’s, anything for comfort. I found her wrist and held onto it, but she didn’t complain. “It’s just that-”

“Someone else paid up for these rations before you,” a high-strung, proper-sounding voice came from the darkness.

I let go of Ursa’s arm as we both turned to where the voice echoed from.

A man in a grey officer’s suit, synonymous with First Order, approached the clearing where we were stood by the supplies. Underneath his hat, his hair was greased down against his head and he had a short, stocky build.

I shoved Ursa behind me in an attempt to protect her. I was the captain, and so my job was to make sure everyone else got out safe.

“Run,” I whispered to her as I simultaneously reached for my blaster pistol.

As I removed it from my jacket in as swift a motion as I could, a shot from another blaster made contact with my pistol, causing it to fly out of my hand. I instinctively grabbed the hand with my other one from the shock of the pain before turning back to my team in desperation, only they are all being apprehended by a group of stormtroopers with electric batons and being stunned into submission.

No. It can’t go this way. My eyes dart all around, looking for any other possible exits. If I could at least escape, well, the first thing I would do is tell General Organa to trust her instincts more often. Then I would warn them about Hosnian Prime, to prepare for a stealth mission if we ever need to return.

I turned back to the officer who seemed to be in charge of this operation, only for another stormtrooper, who must have followed him out of the darkness at some point, to knock me upside the torso with another baton.

It left my head spinning. As I glanced around the room, everything was doubled. I noticed I could not move my neck along with my eyes. I had been paralyzed entirely.

Another shock from the baton hit my head right on my pounding temple, knocking me out cold.


	2. Chapter 2

When I woke up, my first thought was _I’m alive?_ _How am I alive?_ Upon seeing the bat come for me, I didn’t expect to wake up, though they could have just as easily used normal blasters had they wanted us dead. I guess I just always thought that if I ever failed a mission, it could only mean death.

Why did we even go on that miserable mission? General Organa knew something was off.  _ I _ knew something was off. Why didn’t I trust myself? Because I am untrained and unsure? Maybe I should trust myself more. Now is the time to try absolutely anything.

I opened my eyes to the sight of a pair of bright ceiling lights. I realized my back was against something hard and that I was laying down against that something. Propping myself up on my hands, slowly in case I was woozy, I sat up and looked around the space I was occupying.

It appeared to be a holding cell, and a very small one at that. The seat which doubled as a bed was just a long, flat sheet of metal protruding from the wall, no cloth or cushions. Of course not, I was an enemy detainee. They didn’t care about my comfort. My back was stiff and sore, so I began to roll my shoulders to stretch it out as I continued examining the room.

The door didn’t have a slotted opening of any kind, so it couldn’t be for long term use. They had no plans to feed me while I was here. Did that mean they planned on killing me soon? I hoped it would happen soon, and quickly. I didn’t want to be here any longer. This small room was causing my anxiety to build, making my heart beat uncomfortably against my ribs. The feeling only intensified itself, resulting in my breathing becoming staggered as I began to hyperventilate.

No, I don’t want to die while having an anxiety attack. I started trying to use the meditation techniques that General Organa had taught me. I crossed my legs, closed my eyes and began trying to regain control of the timing of my breaths. I reached out with my feelings - the calm, the chaos, and all that is between. Just as I was taught.

I was reaching out, reaching out, who knows how far in time or space but I reach. I could almost feel my surroundings, as if it were corporeal. I tried to trace the walls of the ship with my mind. I followed them as far as I could, but my reach did not go very far yet. I was only a few hallways away when I felt I’d hit a stopping point in my abilities. This hallway was mostly empty, until I felt two energies moving through it. One was anxious, but not as anxious as I was, and the other was furious and heated. I waited for them to pass by, but one of them, the nervous one turned down into the hallway where my cell sat.

“Shit,” I came out of meditation, still amazed that I was able to do what I had just done: feel my surroundings even though I couldn’t physically. Not only the material items, but the energies and emotions moving through them.

My breathing had regulated itself a bit, but my heart was still pounding relentlessly. As I steadied myself and returned to my surroundings, the figure that I felt approaching entered my cell. The door slid up and I was faced with the same officer who led my capture.

He didn’t seem nervous any more.

“Come now, captain,” he hummed the word smugly. “I know you resistance insects love causing trouble, but if you follow by your own will, I won’t have to restrain you. Deal?”

I was hesitant, but I stood up slowly to show him I was taking him up on the offer. His idea of this being by my own will was kind of funny, but I honestly didn’t have the energy to fight anyways. Not while these anxious heart palpitations played out.

I slowly approached the doorway, my face glued to the floor. He scoffed, but turned on his heel and began walking. I followed behind him, my heart only beating harder as I noticed other First Order officers and stormtroopers bypassing us in the halls. The floors themselves were sleek with shiny black and shades of dark grey in a matte sheen. So dark and drab, but I suppose even I had to admit there was something elegant about the seriousness in the dark colours. It made the stormtroopers contrast against the surroundings even more intensely.

The idea of the passing officers and troopers watching me being led, defeated, by one of their fellow officers was absolutely humiliating. It made me wish I had the energy to fight just so that I wouldn’t look so downtrodden.

When we finally arrived at our destination, I hesitantly looked up into the room to find that it was an interrogation room. My lids peeled back on my eyes as I laid my sights on the seat in the center of the room, the restraints covering it just waiting to be put on my body.

This time, I couldn’t remain calm. My heart was still pounding, and I felt a flood of adrenaline rush my body as I tried to turn around and dash out of the room only for two stormtroopers to block my way. I had already built a small momentum and crashed right into their outstretched arms. Once I had run into them, they grabbed an arm of mine each, dragging me back into the room. I caught eyes with the officer, who had a twisted smirk on his face like he derived a sick pleasure from me trying to fight my imprisonment.

The adrenaline was still rushing through my veins, but I didn’t know how to use it. My eyes darted around the room, looking for another door, or a window even. I’d gladly jump into the vacuum of space to escape whatever may happen next. However, there was nothing. It was a completely sealed off room. Unsure of any other way, I began trying to yank my arms out of their grip, but I wasn’t trained as a soldier; I was just a scavenger, and there was no way I was strong enough to free myself. I had intuition and intelligence, but strength and agility weren’t quite my bag.

The troopers lifted me into the seat and began buckling me into the restraints.

“And we were so close to doing this the easy way,” the officer lamented. “I’ll be sure to let Commander Kylo Ren know that you caused us trouble once he arrives.”

“Kylo Ren?” I asked aloud with a shake in my voice, once again feeling humiliated that I was showing so much fear.

“Yes, the Kylo Ren. I always ask if we can perform these interrogations ourselves, but the Supreme Leader prefers Commander Ren’s… efficiency, shall we say?”

Suddenly, I could feel the intense heat in my hairline forming beads of sweat. I had lost the desire and the adrenaline to fight. Kylo Ren would kill me, certainly. I would say something that he didn’t like and his lightsaber would separate me into two halves before I could say the very name of the Resistance for which I stood.

Once the troopers had each of my limbs secured into a series of metal holdings, they stepped away and exited the room. The officer also returned to the doorway, taking a last look at me before disappearing behind the sliding door.

Interrogation? Really? What did I really know that they could want? I didn’t know a thing about the Resistance’s battle tactics. I knew very little about our training and pilot programs. I was going to die. I was going to say I knew nothing, I wouldn’t be believed, and then I would be killed.

And it was all to happen at the hands of Kylo Ren, Skywalker’s former student. I had no idea what to expect. I had heard the jokes made by other Resistance members who’d escaped battles against his troops about how he apparently threw massive tantrums when troubled or angered. I used to laugh. It didn’t seem funny right now.

After a couple minutes of sitting in my restraints in meditation, figuring any time I could use to practice would be of use right now, I felt the same angry energy from earlier approaching down the hall. Could this be him? Kylo Ren? The First Order’s token user of the dark side of the Force, aside from Snoke?

I heard the sliding of the door and opened my terrified eyes in return. The figure, wearing all black, entered the room in long, stomping strides before I could even have a few seconds to size him up, which I’m now not even sure I want to do. In my periphery, I saw him station himself to my left. I turned my gaze to the ground on the right side of my chair to stare at the shiny black floor, avoiding eye contact as much as possible. The rage radiating off his frame was an overwhelming sensation.

“Resistance scum,” are the first words I hear him say. They are distorted by some sort of voice modulator.

I pretend I don’t hear him, but my eyes accidentally dart over a bit and I see he is wearing some sort of tunic, with pants underneath and a pair of boots, all in black. I look back to the floor once more.

“Answer me!” he yells all of a sudden.

I’m not sure what he wants me to say at this point.

“Y-yes?” I squeak out.

“So, you can hear me.”

My eyes are now darting around the right side of the room, looking anywhere but at him.

“I can sense your fear,” he whispers ominously in a low growl. “It will not keep you safe, and neither will your hope.”

My breathing is still heavy, but my deep breaths are suddenly cut off by a pinching feeling from somewhere inside my head. Like my recent headaches, but much more intense. I let out a yelp as the air is sucked out of me like I had been punched in the stomach. It feels like my brain is spasming and on fire. At first it is bad, then it hits a peak where it is unbearable before I feel that I am released. My body, which had tensed up in the midst of the pain, relaxed itself back into a more comfortable position. At least, comfortable for being strapped into a chair.

What the hell was that feeling?

“You care deeply for your crew. How pathetic,” he spat. How did he know about...

Oh no. Ursa, Dara and the others. Had he interrogated them already? I didn’t know if he saw my eyes widen in fear or sensed the change in my feelings.

“Don’t worry, you won’t be seeing them again. Not that they would want to after you failed them on their last mission they will ever attempt.”

I gulped hard and shut my eyes, which I didn’t even realize had become watery until tears dripped out of them once my lids shut.

“You are foolish, as is your whole rebellion.”

Suddenly the pain came again, from somewhere deep within my brain.

“Argh!” I groaned, feeling my body twist in response. The skin of my arms and legs rubbed uncomfortably against the restraints, but I couldn't relax my limbs until the pain subsided. Finally, after the pain hit another climax, I was released.

I was an absolute mess now, sweat dripping down my forehead, tears falling from my eyes, my breathing intense and staggered, and soon I would have marks on my arms and legs from these restraints.

“You’re hard to read. Why is that?” His voice was tinged with some genuine curiosity, but it was hard not to hear the venom it was dripping in.

When I didn’t answer, the pain started up again. I wasn’t sure if it was getting worse each time or if I was just getting weaker. I couldn’t hold my voice back any longer and let out a scream this time around as I felt the pain shoot down my spinal cord.

When I was released again, it finally occurred to me that he was reading my mind, or at least searching it for something worth reading. It seemed so obvious now, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind to comprehend any of this.

I felt the urge to do something, just to stop him from trying to read my mind again. But what could I do? I wasn’t trained in combat, and I didn’t see how I could attack given these restraints anyway.

I closed my eyes and started reaching out again.

“You are a coward, just like the rest of your Resistance! Open your eyes!”

I didn’t though. I just kept feeling around. I could sense his intensity next to me; all his focus and anger was so direct. Where was the anger coming from? I kept feeling, reaching out, reaching in. I couldn’t find anything, but I could feel. I couldn’t see anything in his mind, but I could feel that I had entered it, at least a little bit, enough to prod and poke.

He jumped back, standing up to his full height. The sound frightened me so I opened my eyes and finally gave him a glance over. He must have been nearly a foot taller than me. The voice modulator came from a helmet he was wearing, which covered his entire head and face leaving it all to the imagination. The helmet was menacing, but seeing it erased some of the fear of the unknown which I had felt thus far. He was also wearing a pair of black leathery gloves, leaving literally no part of his physical form visible to others. It was all topped off by a black cape and hood, the only use for which that I could imagine was aesthetic.

I thought my actions had surprised him, perhaps enough to make him reconsider strategies or perhaps enough to kill me out of fear. But if anything, he only seemed angrier. Now he leaned over the seat I was restrained in, a hand on either arm of the chair so that his helmet was only a few inches away from my face.

“I am growing impatient with you! How did you learn to do that? Talk!”

I could feel the tears drying on my cheeks as I looked upon his helmet, wide-eyed. I wasn’t sure where in the blackness of the visor his eyes sat, nor was I sure I would have wanted to make eye contact with him if I could.

“If you do not talk, I will enter your mind once more.”

I felt too frozen in fear to speak, but I tried to say something at least. I opened my mouth, but felt only air come through.

“I-I…”

“Well?” he grunted.

“I taught myself,” I lied, mostly without thinking.

“A likely story. Is there a Jedi training Resistance members? Is it Skywalker?”

“N-no, I taught myself,” I repeated.

He obviously didn’t buy my lies as the pain returned once more. He was scouring for something. I tried my hardest to push away any thoughts I had of the General teaching me about the Force and guiding me through meditations, but I wasn’t sure if doing so only made me think of the memories to begin with, bringing them to the surface.

When he released me, I glanced down at my wrists which now felt burnt from all the rubbing and friction they had experienced with every twist and spasm of my body. Then, I glanced back at Kylo Ren. He was frozen above me, and I couldn’t get a read on why without attempting to read his mind again, which was far too difficult and would likely take too long to even attempt. I so desperately wanted to see was happening in his eyes, but did I really want to see this monster’s eyes?

“I see.” That’s all he had to say about it, the Force training. Now, he finally let go of the arms of the chair and stood up, bringing a hand up to his chin. He seemed to be in thought.

Then, all of a sudden, he was marching towards the door and yelling for the officer from before to take over.

“Officer, return the prisoner to her holding cell. I must consult with the Supreme Leader on what is to happen next.”

“She’s a Resistance leader, Commander. If the interrogation is done, she may be disposed of. Permanently.” A heavy emphasis placed on the last word.

“You will do as I say. Return her to her cell!”

“Y-yes, Commander.”

The officer stepped back into the room and his confused face grew into a twisted smiled when he witnessed my state. I must have looked a real mess.

Even the officer was nervous as hell about Kylo Ren’s anger issues, but he obliged, calling the troopers back in to remove me from the restraints and carry me back to my cell by the arms. I saw Kylo Ren take off in the opposite direction from us, and watched over my shoulder for a few minutes in confusion before he turned a corner. I turned back ahead to where the stormtroopers were taking me.

I let out a deep exhale as a moment of realization washed over me: I was alive. My body was still in one single piece, I didn’t have any holes through my chest or my head, I was still kicking. I didn’t deserve it. I’m the captain; I’m the first one who is supposed to die, before any of my crew. And yet I am, by the sounds of it, the only one still alive. I have failed in so many ways.

And what of my little droid, 2B? I forgot all about her. The First Order must have known about the ship. Did they tear it apart? Did they deactivate her?

I wasn’t sure how much time was passing. It may have been 6 hours, or even as long as a day for all I knew. I had all the time in the world to think.

I noticed from the jaunt to the interrogation room that the First Order officers and troopers all walked with a certain stance, an intense and purposeful one. They were driven by duty to the Order, loyalty. We Resistance members were loyal too but we never used the collectivistic and boring methods that the Order seemed to use. It made me think about how with the Resistance, we had more freedom in certain ways. We weren’t expected to walk a certain way, for one.

While I was in thought, the door finally opened again. This time, they wasted no time in sending in the stormtroopers with their batons to whack me in the stomach, knocking the air out of my lungs, and then returning the sticks to their sides as they shackled my arms behind my back. They then yanked me back up to my feet and began guiding me through the hallways of the giant ship we seemed to be aboard.

I took to avoiding eye contact with any members of the First Order we passed along the way once more, feeling so utterly defeated. I wish I could force them to not look at me in return. I didn’t think I was capable of that and I was too low on energy to try. They had refused to feed me thus far.

It was hard to keep track of these hallways, especially after we took a short elevator ride as well, and I had to wonder how they managed to not get lost, but eventually we did arrive to a room. It was another smaller room, this time with a table and two chairs sitting across from each other. I was placed into one chair and my handcuffs were removed. I waited for a new restraint to hold me to the chair, but there was nothing. The stormtroopers left the room through the door, where the same officer once more stood. This poor asshole must have been in charge of me as long as I was a prisoner here. He seemed to be tired with me too, glaring at me like he wanted me gone.

When would they just kill me?

And that’s when something even more unexpected happened. A humanoid-shaped droid entered once the troopers were gone and placed a tray in front of me on the table. When the lid was lifted, I saw that it was a tray of food! Not great-looking food, but it was food.

I sat up in my seat, but was scared to touch it in case of a punishment. I looked up at the droid, who turned and headed out of the room. Then I looked to the officer.

“For heaven’s sake, eat it,” he said through gritted teeth, like he wanted to yell.

I didn’t wait to be asked twice; the fork was in my hand immediately and I was shoveling the food in my mouth. I released a small moan after a couple bites, feeling the satisfaction hit me almost immediately.

After a few more bites, the officer, who was standing off to the side awkwardly watching me eat like an absolute pig, finally added some context to what was going on,

“Commander Kylo Ren wishes to speak with you once more. He should be here any minute.”

Him again? My first thought was the same thing I had been thinking since I arrived: I’m finally gonna die. I was able to push the thought away much quicker this time, realizing they probably wouldn’t have fed me if that were the case. So, maybe they weren’t gonna kill me. The next question becomes why? Why would they want me alive? They must think I can offer them something.

As I continued eating, I heard him before I could see or sense him this time: some yelling in the hallway and the sound of something being smashed. The voice had the same modulator that he had. My eating become more nervous before I felt my appetite disappear completely, and I dropped my fork into the tray. Gulping hard, I heard his heavy footsteps approaching. Then,I heard the officer greet him as the footsteps entered the room and the sliding door was shut in the officer’s face.

He moved so fast, so seriously, it was if a sentient black cape had entered the room as all I saw at first was the flutter of the fabric behind him. He was still on the wave of anger, which must have started somewhere down the hall, as he slammed his hands down on the table, causing the metallic tray of food to rattle in a small jump, which in turn made me jump in my seat.

His shoulders were heaving in heavy breaths fueled by the rage controlling his body.

“Do you know why you’re here?” he asked, impatiently.

Again, I felt strange answering him. Something about this whole situation felt surreal, like it shouldn’t be happening, like it wasn’t meant to be the reality we live in. Him and I didn’t feel like we belonged in the same room together, like if you saw us side by side you would think we were two holograms edited together instead of just a scene playing out.

“N-no. I don’t. No one has told me anything.” I realized I was leaning back in my seat, trying to keep my body away from his, even if it’s only a few inches farther. Looking up into his helmet left me feeling very unsettled, like he could somehow see through me. And he could; he could literally read me like a book. I could almost see my reflection in the chrome of the front, highlighting the mask of his face amongst the black of the rest of the helmet.

He stepped back and began pacing with his arms behind his back.

“I have been ordered to keep you alive, though I would very much like to kill you and be done with it.”

I didn’t know how to react to that. My eyes wandered around the room as I gulped hard once more, my breathing getting heavier again.

“Why?” I found myself asking, against my better judgement and against my body’s wishes. “Why am I being spared?”

“The Supreme Leader is… intrigued by the little Force games you have learned to play. He has ordered me to keep an eye on you. Like a babysitter,” he spat the word.

Suddenly all the food in my stomach felt like it was burning a hole through me.  
“So, what does that mean?” I asked delicately, hoping not to tempt any more anger from him.

He released a heavy, muffled sigh.

“It means… I am to train you in the Force in exchange for your life, if you would be so obliged.”

I felt utterly confused, and I believe rightfully so. What if he trained me and then I just betrayed them? I’m sure they’d considered it if this was the plan of action they chose after those hours and hours of discussion and decisions which surely happened while I was imprisoned. They must have felt I’d have enough incentive not to somehow.

So what was my next plan of action? If I let Ren train me like one of his knights, then I have betrayed the Resistance. I can’t do that. My faith lies in the Resistance, morally. I fundamentally disagree with the First Order and their fascist ideals. But if I could stay alive, and become more powerful while doing it, could I become strong enough that I could eventually escape and return to the Resistance? What are the odds I could betray the First Order and live? The odds seemed slim that it would work, but it could be worth trying. If it all worked out, I could return to the Resistance with insider information on the First Order that would be unobtainable otherwise.

I was a dead woman anyways. If I could do this for the Resistance, I had to try. Even if I died trying to get this information, what difference did it make at this point?

“What… what does that entail?”

“You leave your rebel scum behind and devote yourself to the First Order. I will mentor you and you will be my apprentice. Using what I teach you, you will eventually graduate from my mentorship to serve the Order, as I do.”

So, the new age version of Sith Lord training basically? Could I avoid succumbing to the darkness?

“So… would I get a lightsaber?” I asked brightly, my voice practically dinging like a bell in this echo prone room. I hated myself the instant the words left my mouth. It’s like there were times I forgot I wasn’t with my higher ups back on D’Qar. They would have appreciated a little humour sprinkled in to our work to help keep morale high.

He did not appreciate the joke at all, slamming his hands back down on the table, his helmet once again only inches away from my nose.

“Perhaps, if you become disciplined enough, you will be so lucky as to receive a blaster. But only perhaps. And I do not count on you living long enough to even achieve that.” I could hear his heavy breathing come through the voice modulator.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled under my breath, out of a horrible disobliging habit.

“Do not apologize! I am your Commander now, you do as I say and only as I say,” he barked the orders, trying to sound like a military captain of an older age, but I wasn’t sure I believed it deep down.

I hadn’t agreed to his terms yet, but perhaps he felt that I was leaning to it, which I was. I was about to say I’m sorry once more, only I now couldn’t because apparently First Order members don’t apologize, or something? I didn’t understand what he meant; how can you not apologize even if it was only for the sake of deference?  
“Well, then I guess I agree to your terms.”

“If you do not, expect execution. If you even consider, even think about trying to regain contact with your friends in the Resistance, you will be executed. If you attempt to desert the Order in any way, for any reason, you will be executed. And you should be aware that I will know long before you do attempt any such things by entering your mind, which I will have the right to do at will.”

I took in a deep inhale before I uttered the words which felt like moss in my mouth,

“Yes, Commander.” I tried to make some kind of eye contact as I spoke the words to offer a hint at an attempt to be civil and cooperative. I hoped that at least one of the spots I focused on had an eye that was looking back at me to feel the authenticity I was attempting to convey.

He humphed, seeming pleased with my submission to him, as he pulled away from the table.

“The droid will show you to your new quarters, as well as the canteen and training rooms,” his voice had softened a bit now, perhaps because I was no longer avoiding eye contact or being stubborn. “I will retrieve you when training is to begin.”

With that, he began walking away towards the door. In a momentary lapse of composure, I called after him,

“Wait, hold on! I mean, Commander, erm…”

He turned towards me, his shoulders less tense now. “You do not tell me what to do.”

“Sorry, I mean, I only meant to ask you if you even know my name. You may want to in order to better communicate with me during our training. I go by Artie.” It seemed silly to me to even have to ask him if he wanted to know my name, of course he needs something to call me. I was just surprised he never asked, and he hadn’t used my name yet I noticed.

“I’m aware of your name,  _ Captain _ Artemis. However, in the case you are designated a Knight, you will require a new one. Even if you are not, you will require a new one. I see no use for calling you anything other than my apprentice until then.”

“My name is my name, Commander. You may use it.”

His gaze lingered for a moment before he turned back and exited the space. I wasn’t sure what I should take that to mean. With the door open, I saw the officer watch Ren leave before turning back to me, then to the droid. He nodded to the droid before turning to leave as well.

The droid entered the room and removed the tray from the table.

“You may follow me, Apprentice of Kylo Ren,” the droid spoke with its digital, rather androgynous voice.

Apprentice of Kylo Ren, that’s how the droid referred to me. He already told people how to speak to me? Lots of discussions must have happened while I was locked up. They had already decided and sorted this all out.

Though I was still in shock from how this meeting went down, I stood up and followed the droid into the hallway.


	3. Chapter 3

I pulled a pair of leather gloves onto my hands before stretching out my fingers to examine the fit. They seemed fine, although they did impair the nimbleness of my fingers a bit. Then I looked back down at myself and began tugging on the collar of the dark grey suit, feeling out how it moved. It was a bit tighter than I would have liked.

I glanced up now into the small mirror hanging on the wall. I couldn’t see my whole body to examine the look of the outfit, however. Perhaps for the best. The sight of the collar of a First Order-style suit around my neck was enough for me. It was an odd enough sight. It looked wrong, like I was in another timeline. It was so unfamiliar and contrary to anything I could have ever imagined.

The suit I was issued was not quite an officer’s outfit, not quite a trooper’s outfit. There was a base, which was a sort of jumpsuit, covering me from my ankles, to my wrists, up to the base of my neck. I had some lightweight armour meant to be placed over top the jumpsuit. The gloves covered my hands, a pair of heavy black boots protected my feet, and my hair was asked to be put up in a hideous bun until they remembered my hair was too short to put up. I had a shaggy hairstyle which just covered my ears in wavy, soft brown curls.

How sad though. A. Single. Bun. No braids, no hair left down to flow and move, and nothing potentially distracting. How boring. I mean, many of us in the Resistance would put our hair up to fight, or cut it short to make it easy on us, but we were never given instructions on how to style our hair. We simply did what was convenient or made sense.

Well, I began to apply the armour to my shoulders, torso and legs. It felt almost weightless. This was actually a fantastic innovation for armour. I had to admit, I was impressed.

I looked into the mirror once more, examining the little of the shiny black armour plate covering my chest that I could see.

I let out a sigh. I wasn’t proud of it, but it did look good on me. Maybe now I wouldn’t be eyed going down the hallways anymore, now that I wasn’t wearing shades of green and brown. I turned to my small closet, where my prized brown leather jacket was hung, out of commission for the time being.

The room was small and simple. I supposed the First Order personnel weren’t spending much time in these rooms, and they likely moved between ships at times and needed to have minimal possessions in order to make these moves easy. There was a bed with a few simple sheets covering it, folded impeccably by service droids no doubt, a small closet with a few drawers, a sink and a toilet, and a small droid repair set-up with some plugs and tools.

I wished that I still had 2B around right about now. The loneliness was starting to kick in, as I was told to wait for Kylo Ren to call me in to begin training.

When the comm-link in one of the pouches in my armour finally began buzzing, I was quite thrown off. I fumbled with the flap to unbutton it and grab the comm-link to hold it near my face.

“Hello?” I asked, a hint of confusion very evident in my voice.

“Meet me in the training quarters for our first lesson in ten minutes,” the sound of Ren’s voice demanded cryptically.

“Yes, Commander.”

Once my response went through, the static halted immediately.

“That’s it?” I asked myself aloud.

Well, I didn’t have much time to get there. I stood up straight before walking out of the room. I didn’t quite have the stature of most First Order members, so I stood out a little bit, but trying to match their stance felt so unnatural to me. I tried to keep my shoulders squared and my back stiff, but it felt so awkward that I let myself slouch a little bit. As long as my walk wasn’t too goofy, I felt like I blended in enough for my own comfort. Besides, what could anyone do about it? I was Kylo Ren’s Apprentice; I hoped this created a sense of intimidation if anything.

I arrived with a couple minutes to spare. It was empty, which gave me a chance to explore a bit. There was a shooting gallery to practice aim. A few training simulators, which would take you through exercises to train your strength and agility, sat off to one side of the room with the doors closed. Then there was another room off to the side, completely visible through a wall of glass, which was covered in mats - I supposed for sparring.

I waited an extra twenty minutes before Ren finally arrived, entering through the door with heavy steps, although he didn’t seem angry for once. I see everything will be happening on his clock. Not that I had anything else to do here, I supposed. I wondered if the First Order had a library or something? I could use a hobby for the times I was waiting on my mentor.

I stood to attention as he approached, feeling nervous as I realized that we were completely alone: no officer outside the door, or droids hanging around. I breathed heavily at the thought. I had to remember, I was not automatically safe just because they needed something from me. If I didn’t provide, they’d have no problem disposing of me. And with Ren and I alone in a room, he needed little to no excuse to do so. Who could question him on it?

He stood facing me, hands behind his back, mirroring my own stance.

“What has your General taught you about the Force? The cowardly Jedi way of finding balance?” Straight to it, I see. I gulped hard on the knot in my throat.

“I suppose so, Commander,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “I learned how to reach out with my feelings. I was a very early beginner and had not gotten very far yet.”

“How did you enter my mind the other day?”

“It happened in the moment, Commander. I was not aware that I could do that.”

“It’s a good start. You seem to actually have some potential. Your General’s methods were meant to teach you slowly, to hold you back, to prevent you from reaching your full potential.” He held a clenched fist up, between our bodies. I watched it hold its stiff position intently. “I don’t want you to hold back. I want you to let go.” He released the tension in his hand, letting his fingers fall delicately away.

“Why would she want to hold me back?” I asked, genuinely curious about his reasoning.

“Are you questioning your commander?” he asked, annoyedly.

“N-no. Simply trying to understand-”

“Are you trying to defend her?”

“No, not at all.”

He remained quiet for a second, as if he doesn’t believe me, but ultimately he does indulge my curiosity.

“She is taking teachings directly out of the Jedi playbook. The Jedi didn’t want warriors who were simply powerful. They wanted those would fight for their... so very noble cause. Much of being a Jedi involved choosing not to fight. What I, on the other hand, want to teach you is the true nature of the power of the Force when used to its full potential.”

I nodded along to his answer to show my attentiveness. I did find something intriguing about this comparison. Power versus order, chaos versus calm. In a way, this wasn’t completely counterintuitive to my learnings from General Organa.

“I understand. Where do we begin?” I asked, eager to get started.

“First, you must explore that power for yourself. This part you must do alone and I will check your progress at our coming sessions. You will go into meditation, as you were taught, but this time do not remain in the between. Feel the stillness, as well as the energy and the movement. Feel whatever you wish, and most of all do not fear the darkness when you sense it. Do you think you can do this simple thing?”

I turned my gaze to the shiny black floors in thought. It didn’t seem challenging, but I would be lying if some fear wasn’t instilled in me while being asked to give in to the dark side.

“All that you must do is give in; give in to your own desires and emotions, and the darkness will reward you with powers of the Force. Once you can access the dark side, then we can train those abilities.”

“How long will this take, to access the dark side?”

“As long as you take.”

Not the most satisfying answer. I could see how this idea of power could be so seductive though. Just hearing him talk about giving in was creating this desire within me - a desire to become more than I am, more than I ever thought possible. Imagine bending the world to my will; I could intimidate and have the respect and fear of those First Order officers and troopers who don’t want me here. That’s how Ren maintains a certain level of fearful respect; everyone knows that with his temper, being antagonistic to him would find them dead very quickly.

“Supreme Leader Snoke has faith in you. I don’t know why he does, but I am obliged to trust in his wisdom that he must have his reasons.” He sounds as if he really does not want to take time out of his day to do this, but he cannot disobey his Master. We all fear Ren, but Ren fears Snoke, and that is a terrifying thought.

“I hope I can… make him proud,” I found it hard to say it without a tinge of sarcasm. The dark side can seem as alluring as it wants, the loyalty that I have to the Resistance is deeply embedded within me. It’ll take time before I can do this convincingly, although the very authentic curiosity I had was doing me well thus far.

He took a step towards me and leaned down, nearing his helmet to my face once more before growling,

“As you should.” I think he sensed my tone. “Our training is adjourned for the time being. You may return to your sleeping quarters now.”

“Yes, Commander.” I nodded towards him, prepared to leave, only he managed to begin marching out of the room before I could even move, and once he began going I felt compelled to watch him leave before moving.

He seemed to have a need to be the last one to enter the room, and yet the first one to leave. He must be a busy man, but it seemed rather rude.

Over the coming days, I have been able to be receptive as I accustom myself to life aboard a First Order ship; no one has told me which one I am aboard, but I begin to think about what I can do to make my time here more contentful. As I walked through the halls, I saw a small BB-unit droid following a pilot through the hallways and watched it roll after its master. It was kind of adorable. It would be nice to have a droid again. Was there somewhere I could go to obtain one?

When I arrived back to my room, I removed the armour and stored it in my drawer. Then, I took a seat on the bed and crossed my legs. I may as well give this new way of reaching out a shot once more before I headed out again to the canteen.

As I closed my eyes, I felt a pang of guilt thinking about how I’m supposed to go against what General Organa has taught me. According to what she was taught by Luke Skywalker, the Force is meant to be about balance between all living things, a balance in the energies swirling around the Universe. It was a balance I had felt in my practice; it felt peaceful. I wasn’t sure what to expect now.

But I sat, and reached out and I could feel the stillness of the space around me, the sterility of it, and then my attention turned to within myself. I found myself searching my own feelings for a while. I wasn’t sure what to search for, but I stayed within them. I thought of General Organa again. I wondered if she knew that I was alive. I wasn’t sure how far her Force abilities extended, but I didn’t suspect she would be able to sense what had happened to me. She had probably only seen that I hadn’t returned, or perhaps received a distress signal from 2B when we never returned to the ship. I wondered whether those terrible dealers returned to our ship after we were kidnapped and hurt her, took her apart for pieces or perhaps sold her off for some city-dwelling jawas to trade.

Then I thought back to my crew, and Ursa. I had let them down. I had failed them. They didn’t need to die. I should have known better... I should have done better. Why wasn’t I good enough? Strong enough?

I could feel a dark cloudiness moving through my mind. I took that as a sign to continue.

It was my fault. But those dealers were the ones who betrayed us. How dare they? It was their fault six people were dead. And now I was stuck on this ship, being forced to spend time with and learn from the insufferable Kylo Ren. I thought back to his tone when responding to me, like I was no more than a nuisance. What an asshole. I didn’t want to be here any more than he wanted to teach me.

The fog became thicker, slowly muting out everything else, everything outside myself.

I felt I could hear Ursa’s voice through the haze:

“ _ Captain? You let me die! I trusted you and you let us all die! You didn’t even warn us that something was off! I asked you when we arrived why you seemed to feel off, and you lied and said it was nothing. You knew it! You knew it all along! You knew that we would die, and you would get to train in the Force properly until you become powerful enough to gain whatever you want. I thought you cared about us, but you don’t! You never did. You’re selfish! That’s what you are _ .”

_ It’s not like that Ursa _ , I tried to retort back.  _ I didn’t understand how the Force worked, I didn’t know it meant the mission was compromised. _

_ “I hope your new life as a pawn of the First Order is satisfying, you traitor! _ ”

_ Traitor? _ The word stung me, almost physically. I could feel the heat building within my core, burning up into my chest.  _ Traitor… _

I opened up my eyes while releasing a heavy growl of frustration and slamming a fist onto the bed. As I continued punching down onto it with the side of my hand, I could feel hot tears pouring out of my eyes, streaming down my cheeks. Three punches more and I felt I had released enough anger.

This was so strange. How did the pain of my hurt and guilt become anger instead? But it wasn’t just anger, was it? It was fear. Fear that perhaps I am not the good person I believe myself to be.

I tried to calm my breathing as I wiped the still moist tears from my face. I needed to get out of this room. I took a look in the mirror quickly and, upon seeing the redness in my cheeks and forehead, soaked a cloth in some cold water before applying it to my face gently to reduce some of the colour. I patted it over the red areas, and then let it sit over my puffy under eyes to reduce their swelling.

I spent a few more minutes standing in front of the sink, hearing Ursa’s voice in my head, saying those things that I knew she’d never say to me. She would have never spoken to me like that, she believed in me. Even at times when maybe she shouldn’t have. I needed to get out of this room.

Once I looked relatively normal, I headed down to the canteen to eat my dinner. I sat down at a table alone, as I wished to, though I felt myself being watched and looked at by the other First Order personnel. I guess the fear I wanted them to feel hadn’t quite set in yet. And why should they be afraid? I’m not powerful. Not that they necessarily knew that, but why wouldn’t they think that? They didn’t want to respect me after all, and it was easier to do that if I was just a clumsy apprentice who used to be powerless, inept, Resistance scum.

Why did I suddenly want their respect? I guess I just didn’t want to be the subject of gossip and whispers. Perhaps I could try and… be nice to them. I hated the sound of it, but I might have questions about getting around the ship that I couldn’t bother Ren with.

When I finished eating my tasteless plate of rice, flavourless vegetables and lean meat, I brought the tray to the return pile and looked around the room once more. Now was the time if I had any questions. One table had about seven men all hollering in laughter while telling some stories about exploits which sounded like they’d been invented on the spot. They seemed a little rowdy. Then I turned to the table a little ways down, which was mixed company: a few men, a few women, and they were having a much quieter conversation.

This group seemed like they’d be kinder to me than the others so I approached their table as casually as possible, holding my hands behind my back and clearing my throat. When one member of the group noticed me approaching, they whispered something to the rest of them and they all looked up to me. This was a terrible idea.

“Um, hi-” My plan was to go right into my question, but I received an unexpected response.

“Hello,” one of the men spoke. He seemed to be wearing a technician’s jumpsuit. The way he said it was oddly polite. He had a somewhat handsome face, handsome in a rugged way with swoopy hair and a crooked nose. I guess technicians were held to different standards in their appearance.

“Hi. Um, I was wondering where I could get a droid around here.” I posed it as casually as possible. Meanwhile, my feet were anxiously shuffling around, moving heel to toe where I stood.

“It depends. What kind of droid are you looking for?” the same man asked. A woman opposite him at the table jumped in at that moment,

“You really went from working for the Resistance to being Kylo Ren’s apprentice?” she asked in a hushed whisper. I couldn’t tell if it was asked in awe that Ren would take on a new apprentice so suddenly, or disgust that his apprentice had worked with the Resistance.

I held up my hands prepared to start gesturing as I defended myself, but what could I say in my defence? I brought my hands back down and clasped them in front of my body.

“Well, yeah. Something like that. Anyways, I’m not here to talk about it, I really just want to know if I could get a BB-unit issued to me.”

“We might have a couple down in the hangar who are indisposed. Most of them just need a new battery and they could be on their way. We could walk you there in a few minutes.” 

“Why do you want a BB-unit? Are you planning on using it to steal a ship and leave?” the same woman asked me.

“Okay, that’s enough of that Zahara. Before Ren finds out you’ve been pestering his apprentice.”

Damn it, even these technicians went by their names and I couldn’t? The girl, Zahara, had gorgeous red hair pulled back into the standard First Order-style bun. Her face was slightly pointed, a somewhat hooked nose being the focal point. She also had a pair of small, but thick lips.

“Thank you. I really don’t want any trouble. I just want a droid to keep me company.”

“Yeah, see? She’s not gonna try to read our minds or anything,” the man chuckled, taking another bite of his sandwich.

“Why would I need to? Do you have something to hide?” I asked them, as innocently as possible.

Both of them, as well as the other two at the table, looked between each other nervously.

“It’s just a joke,” I added, realizing I really shouldn’t be telling jokes that could make anyone testy with me. At the same time, I needed to be fearsome in some way if I was to interact with them. I sighed tiredly into my hands, before relaxing my body once more. “Sorry. Is it still okay if you show me to the hangar?”

The woman, Zahara, and the man made eye contact for a moment before the man made an open handed gesture.

“Yeah, that’s fine. We’ll show you.”

“Thank you,” I said with a smile and a small nod of gratitude.

I stood off to the side awkwardly as they finished the last few bites of their meal and continued their conversation. It had to do with building and repairing ships, I think. I had no idea what they were talking about, but they maintained the conversation as I followed the group towards the hangar, lingering a few feet behind them.

We finally arrived at the hangar, entering through a tool shed of sorts.

“Well, there they are,” Zahara said, holding a hand out to a few droids sitting on a low shelf, all powered off.

I crouched down to get a good look at them. They had slightly more squared off heads and were shades of black and grey, but otherwise they looked pretty similar to Resistance BB-units. One of them had some red markings, another was blue, and the third one was purely black and grey.

“Can you tell me anything about them?” I asked.

“They’re all programmed to serve members of the First Order and to ignore or not trust members of the Resistance,” she said with a smirk on her face. Behind her, I could see the other three grabbing their tool belts and getting ready to work on some ships.

“Well, as long as it’s okay with spending time with me, it should be fine. How about this blue one?”

“Yeah, I can get this one up and running for ya.”

I moved back as she approached the shelving unit, reached in with both arms to pull the droid out into the open space of the room. She rolled its body around in her arms, balancing it against the floor.

“The serial number is… BB-9B.”

“9B,” I repeated to myself.

It was a cute little droid. Hopefully it liked me.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Let me find a new battery for it.” The woman, Zahara, stood up and walked over to a shelf full of boxes, which she pulled out and shoved her hand into, moving everything aside to search for the part she was looking for. I admired the little droid, meanwhile. It looked like a sturdy little thing. I wonder who owned it previously, and if they were dead. That seemed likely.

“Found one,” she said after a minute of searching. She grabbed her tool belt and then ushered me to follow her. “Carry it to the hangar. I’ll have more room to work on it over there.”

“Oh, sure.” I crouched down, bringing one hand underneath the droid’s spherical body, and the other to hold at its side before picking it up and carrying it through the doorway after her.

As we entered the hangar, I was surprised to see… light? The wide open entrance, probably hundreds of feet across and covered in a shield grid, wasn’t a barrier between the inside of a ship and outer space. Instead, the sight was of snowy mountains at sunset and some other buildings casting shadows over the land, which I assumed belonged to the same complex we were inside of. We were on a planet this whole time?

“Where are we?” I asked her, still observing the light from outside, shining brightly against the thin layer of snow sitting over everything.

She followed my gaze then turned back to me, one eyebrow raised. “Starkiller Base?” she said, as though it were obvious.

“What is Starkiller Base?”

She just laughed internally, her chest heaving with her exhale. I guess I shouldn’t expect an answer.

Within moments, she was sitting cross-legged on the ground, surrounded by tools, and opening up the droid.

“I’m just gonna do a few other adjustments to bring it up to code and then the battery will go in,” she explained.

“Sounds good. Thank you, Zahara. I think you and your other technician friend have been the nicest to me so far, since I’ve been here.”

“Well, can you blame the rest? You’re taken prisoner, and then next thing we know we’re told that Commander Kylo Ren has taken a new apprentice. Gossip gets around pretty quickly here, and it wasn’t long before we found out that you were the detained Resistance member. It’s kind of strange that Ren would choose you.”

“Well, he didn’t want to. Snoke made him. I don’t know the whole reason why either,” I half-lied. Of course, my use of the Force was a part of the reason for me still being here. How much was what I wasn’t sure about.

I questioned momentarily if I should be telling her this. I didn’t really know her. But she had been nice to me since we’d been in the tool room, and I was used to trying to be diplomatic when making new connections, which I guess I hoped this could be. In my experience, when you trust people and are honest with them, they tended to trust you back. But those people were usually suffering and poor citizens of planets the Resistance was trying to help. These people weren’t helpless, and I didn’t really know what they were capable of.

“Now, that is some tasty information,” she chuckled, bringing some kind of screwdriver up to 9B’s battery compartment.

“It’s really not,” I said, a small laugh pulling itself from my throat.

“Sure it is. What would the Supreme Leader want with you?” she laughed. “Look, you’re not as terrible as I thought you’d be, so I won’t say anything; maybe you really are adjusting to First Order life... So, what’s he like?”

“Excuse me?”

“Commander Ren, what’s he like? His ships stays parked in a different hangar, and he’s mostly in a separate sector from the rest of us. A man as powerful and important as him, his quarters must be lavish. He spends a lot of time on the Finalizer as well though, going planet to planet, acting as a weapon for the Supreme Leader. I’ve never seen or met him.” I was surprised. By now, I assumed that if I had seen and heard Ren smashing up consoles and yelling demands a couple times then everyone here must have treated it as a regular occurrence. I suppose that section, with the training area and interrogation rooms must be separate for the higher-ups to work and make the important decisions.

I shrugged at her, turning back to the sight of the outdoors.

“I mean, I’ve only met him a few times and in two of them I was being interrogated, so I can’t really say anything for sure yet-”

“Is he as fearsome as we’ve been told? I’d hate to hear that he’s just a softy like the Jedi and that it’s all for show.”

“You don’t have to worry about that, he’s terrifying.” I really wanted to change the subject. “How are the upgrades going?”

She glanced over at me with mischievous eyes, as if saying she could see what I was trying to do, before turning back to her work.

“We’re getting there. What’s so terrifying about him?” Back on it again.

“Look, if you wanna gossip, why don’t you tell me what Starkiller Base is?”

She shrugged while she was pulled away from the droid to clean gunk off one of her tools. “It’s a First Order base. It’s on a planet. What else do you need to know?”

She eyed me once more, a sly glint in her expression.

“Why don’t the Resistance know about it?”

“I’m sure there’s a lot the Resistance don’t know about us, just like I’m sure there’s a lot the First Order doesn’t know about the Resistance.”

I wasn’t entirely convinced that that’s all there is to this place, but I was getting a bit annoyed that my turn around wasn’t working. I could try and enter her mind. I pushed that thought away for now, knowing full well that I would likely not get very far at this point.

“I’m sure,” I responded.


	4. Chapter 4

A few high pitched beeps came out of the droid as Zahara closed the battery compartment and powered the droid on. It came to life and began to move, looking between our faces before approaching Zahara who still crouched down beside the droid.

“Sorry, little guy, you’re actually going home with this one,” she said, pointing a thumb towards me, standing a couple feet away.

The droid looked confused for a moment before beeping once more.

“She was with the Resistance but not anymore. At least, that’s what we all think.” Zahara laughed, turning to face me, and I rolled my eyes in return.

Now, seeing that the droid was active and working just fine, I bent down to one knee, at eye level with him.

“Would you like to be my droid? I could use a little friend and helper. I’m… I’m with the First Order now. I’m Kylo Ren’s apprentice.” I held a hand out for it, hoping it would feel more comfortable with me.

The droid rolled nervously back and forth on its spherical body, but approached me slowly until its head fit itself into outstretched palm and it was like I was petting a small animal.

“Thank you 9B. I think you’ll be perfect!” I stood up, back to my full height now. “And thank you Zahara, for taking time out of your day to do this for me.”

“It’s okay, Apprentice of Commander Ren. It’s literally what I spend all day doing, so technically I’m just doing my work,” she said, a small smirk on her face.

“Well, maybe I’ll see you around. I guess we go to the same canteen to eat.”

“Yeah. I’ll see you around too.”

I was about to head for the exit, the small BB droid rolling a couple feet behind me when Zahara called out to me.

“Wait!”

I turned back to her.

“What is it?”

She bit her lip for a moment before asking, “What’s your name? Your real name?” She crossed her arms, a small rag in her hand to clean herself of any droid soot.

“It’s Artie.” I flashed her a smile to let her know I appreciated it.

“See you around, Artie.”

“You too, Zahara.”

And with that, I returned to my quarters for the evening.

The next morning, as I was finishing up another try at meditating the ‘Knights of Ren way’, my comm link went off and, naturally, Kylo Ren was on it.

“Have you made any progress yet, my apprentice?” his voice boomed through while I fumbled with the small device in a cold sweat, still coming back from my meditation session. 9B looked puzzled by this sudden disruption as well.

“Some, yes, Commander.”

“Good. Meet me in the training quarters in an hour.”

And the line went dead. I noticed his voice didn’t sound as robotic as it usually did. Maybe he wasn’t wearing his helmet when he called. It really took some of the edge out of his voice and made him sound like… just a guy, to be honest. A guy trying to sound angry, trying to be intimidating instead of just being angry and intimidating. It usually worked every time, but because he was always wearing that helmet.

I had to wonder once more, what was behind the mask? He didn’t sound too old without the distortion. Maybe around my age, even. He must be horribly disfigured or something underneath it. Perhaps covered in deep, permanent scars.

When I arrived at the training quarters, it was empty once more. Perhaps these ones were for private use by Ren and I’d never noticed. He was late again and I found myself waiting around for nearly 20 minutes. Finally, he arrived in his normal tunic and pants combo only this time his cape was missing, allowing me to see his full frame. I had noticed he was tall, but he was broad shouldered as well. He must have been fairly fit. And, if his helmet wasn’t on before, it was back on now.

“Update me on your training,” he barked as he stood in front of me, the way he had at our last session, mirroring my stance once more. He sounded tired.

“I believe I have done what you asked of me, Commander. I allowed myself to access what the dark side wished to show me,” I reported as coldly as I could, trying not to think of the feelings that were brought up during those meditations.

“And? What did it show you?”

I stumbled on my words at that point, not sure how much to say, how much to reveal. I gulped hard, trying to keep my breathing regulated. Instead, I found myself retorting back,

“Did you ever plan on telling me we weren’t on a ship?”

“That is not relevant to the line of questioning, Apprentice-”

“If you want me to trust you with what deeply personal things I experienced, what thoughts and fears I had to relive… the least you can do is show me some honesty. Just the basics. Where are we? What does Starkiller Base mean to the First Order? Just some basic knowledge to-”

“It is not for you to demand that knowledge!”

“I-” but before I could begin to speak, I felt a twisting pain in my head which forced me to double over myself. “Argh! Get out of my head!” I yelled, trying to fight it off the best I could.

“If you will not tell me, I will make you cooperate.”

I looked up at him with pleading eyes, observing him with his hand held out as he used his power, making it look like all this pain he could cause me took almost no effort.

As he searched my thoughts, I could feel all the memories and emotions resurfacing. The pain of losing my crew was back at the forefront of my mind, and I could feel the tears streaming down my face immediately.

“I told you, Apprentice. I can and will enter your mind whenever I see fit.”

I continued to fight it off, finding myself closer and closer to the ground, being forced down onto one knee. “Stop it! Get out of my head!” I screamed once more, my body keeling over.

And just as I was about to fall to the ground, he released me. I tried to catch my breath as I looked up at the emotionless mask of his helmet.

“I’m sorry, Commander! I just want to know what’s going on. I meant no offense,” I cried out to him. I hated this. I hated that he could get me to submit like this. He was a monster, and I wanted to tell him he was, but I wanted the pain to stop even more. I wiped at the tears covering my cheeks and waited for him to say something, but he just lowered his hand quizzically.

“Commander?”

He looked down on me pathetically. Yes, that’s the word he would use right now as he observed my tortured body: pathetic. But he said nothing, just glared at me for a while longer.

I began to stand up, pushing myself off the ground while all my joints still felt sore from how my body had contorted itself while in pain. I stumbled on my legs for a moment before standing up straight before him.

I wish I could see what he was thinking during this moment of silence.

“Why do you feel so much pain for them? You don’t have to. They were your underlings, pawns for you to use as you saw fit.” His voice was curious, even a little off-put.

It took me a moment to realize he was talking about what he saw in my mind: my life as a captain of the Resistance, my fear and guilt at letting my crew down.

“If I answer honestly, will you spare me any more pain, Commander?” I said, still trying to steady my staggered breathing, terrified that he could do it again whenever he felt like it.

“You may speak freely.”

I took a deep breath before going on.

“Because they were my friends. I didn’t see us as a hierarchy, I saw us as a team. I couldn’t have completed the missions without them, and therefore their presence on the mission was just as important as my own.”

“I did not think this would be what haunts you,” he explained, propping one arm up to his chin in thought.

“And why not? I mean, what haunts you, Commander?” I quickly realized how out of line that sounded and added, “You needn’t answer that.”

He brought the hand down, returning his attention to our goal for the lesson almost as if there hadn’t been a distraction, let alone one that involved torturing me in order to pull thoughts from my mind.

“Well, it is a good start. Let us move on to something a little more... interesting.” I followed his gaze to a couple of boxes between the shooting range and the simulators. “You are aware of the abilities a close bond with the Force can give you, yes?”

It felt weird to go back to our lesson like nothing had happened, like he hadn’t reduced me to a blubbering wreck only moments ago, but I had to play his game for now. My head was still aching from being scoured like a treasure trove.

“Familiar with some of them, Commander. Famously, the Force can allow one to… read minds or plant thoughts,” I paused to look at him, realizing that may have been a little on the nose. “But also it can improve your intuition, and let you move objects with your thoughts, and-”

“Stop. That is it, the answer I wanted. Have you ever attempted it?”

“M-Moving objects? No, Commander. I have not.”

“That is the lesson for today. We’ll see if you are capable yet. It can be a challenging test for many learners, but its challenge will force you to learn and adapt quickly, making it a very powerful teaching tool.”

“I understand, Commander. How do I begin?”

We were still facing the storage boxes off to the side of the room.

“The boxes are what you shall move.”

With this in mind, I began to study them, the shape of them, the size of them. They seemed quite heavy. I wondered whether this mattered or not when it came to using the Force to lift.

“Now, you should be practiced enough that you can tap into the Force without entering a full meditation, yes? You entered my mind after all.” He sounded a bit grumpy about it. That moment is the reason he’s being forced to waste his time on me, I suppose.

“I can, yes,” I responded, remembering the urgency of that moment.

“Then it shouldn’t be too difficult. Do it now, the same way you were able to move out of yourself in the interrogation room.”

I breathed in deeply before going through my usual ritual, only out of meditation. I reached out, beyond the limits of my own body, the same way I was able to feel the walls of the base while I was locked in my cell - the way I followed them until I found the energies of other lifeforms. I needed to find the space that the boxes occupied.

It seemed to be working. The contours of the box were smooth, but sturdy. It didn’t have an energy signature, the way a living thing does, but it had a space that it occupied in the Force just the same. And it could be felt and handled.

“Do you feel it? Almost as if you were touching it with your bare hands?” he asked, checking in. I found every corner of the box, every reinforced edge.

“I do.”

“Perfect. Now, move it. You are holding it in your mind, you may do whatever you wish with it. Though it may seem impossible, you are in control.”

There was something soothing about his voice once he really got into the teaching zone. He was clearly passionate about the Force and its usage.

Now was the time to try what he’d asked of me. I felt the edges of it, rounded and not squared. It was almost corporeal to my fingers. As I attempted to move it, my muscles tensed as if I was using them subconsciously, but the box stayed absolutely still. Pushing like this was putting my pressure on my aching head. I tried holding out a hand, the way I had seen Ren do it when using Force abilities.

“Your hand is twitching. Don’t tense up, let go, Artie.”

Artie? Did he just call me Artie? Not Apprentice, but… Artie. Just Artie. I felt a smile sneak its way onto my face at this and I closed my eyes to try and hide any emotion they might show to him. All the tension in my muscles dissolved, my body now light as air as the feeling of joy warmed it. Even my breathing began to feel more relaxed at this. This one small moment was probably the happiest I had felt in the past week since arriving here, and it was most likely nothing more than an accident on his part.

He called me by my name. Something about it felt vulnerable, and natural. There was no pretense about it, like finally I was just a person to him. Even if it was just for the briefest moment while he spoke it.

“Good job, my apprentice. You may be a natural at this yet.”

When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see the box floating about a foot above where it was previously sitting. I was doing this? It felt like nothing. I was startled enough by this that I lost concentration and it dropped back onto its spot on the pile of crates. I dropped my hand to my side, a little disappointed that I’d lost it and hadn’t really figured out how I even did it to begin with but, before I could even ponder that, I turned to Ren feeling a lighthearted curiosity.

“You called me Artie.”

“What?” he snarled.

“Just before the box lifted, you called me Artie.” I could still feel the smile sitting on my face, back once again after my brief disappointment at losing concentration.

He glared at me from behind the chrome of the helmet. I could feel him looking at me, trying to dissect what I was saying.

“You must be mistaken.”

I wanted so badly to press him on it, to receive an explanation, but with the response given, I knew better than to expect one.

“I must be,” I repeated, knowing the truth full well. I brought my arms back into their proper place, behind my back.

“I’ve been informed that you’ve been issued a droid.” He was clearly changing the subject.

“I have. I missed my old droid from when I was with the Resistance and sought out a new one to keep me company.”

“Good. You’ll have a convenient method of viewing First Order news and related holograms to keep yourself up to date. Continue practicing everything we learned today.”

He was ending the lesson, I realized. It did seem to have been a long session. I guess the painful mind-reading bit didn’t help that though, making it feel like we had been here for simultaneously an eternity and no time at all.

“I will, Commander.”

“I have an upcoming mission; the details for which are to be revealed soon. I will require you to accompany me so that we can continue our training for the duration of the assignment.”

“W-Where are we going?”

“The details will be explained aboard the Finalizer in three days. That is all you need to know for now. You shouldn’t even be there, with your rather low skill level, but the Supreme Leader demanded that I bring you along on my upcoming missions to show you what is expected of you.”

He was back to sounding very serious and poised, so I felt the need to follow suit and not test him any further for today.

“I understand, Commander. Will we have another training session before boarding?”

“Likely not. While the details are finalized, I will be busy. This will give you three days to practice levitating objects, which I take it you will do with every waking moment you have.”

“Yes, Commander.”

“Training is over. I will contact you before it is time to board.”

He stormed out of the room, same as he always did. I was left to brew in the feeling of knowing that he used my name and didn’t even think about it. Though, I won’t lie, it gave me a kind of satisfaction that it slipped out of his mouth before he could even realize he’d said it.

I was convinced of a few things now: one, he could absolutely be a monster when he wanted to. And two, there was still something within him that was kind enough that it could escape him accidentally. It was a crack in his armour. It made some of his anger seem like a false veneer that he put on for show. However, it didn’t mean he could be any less dangerous while he was busy pretending to be the pure embodiment of the dark side of the Force.

I continued to practice levitating objects around my quarters, and even while sitting in the canteen. It definitely got some strange looks from the officers and technicians who were around at the time, seeing the strange Resistance prisoner turned apprentice in the Force, levitating utensils and dry bread rolls.

I was finding that the easiest way to levitate the objects involved using happy memories rather than painful ones, but Kylo Ren didn’t need to know that. He expected me to use the dark side of the Force to make me powerful, and I still tried to follow his lessons during my meditation, but in action I couldn’t make it work for me.

Besides, accessing that dark side of the Force has been a terrifying feat. Sometimes, even while accessing those happy thoughts, I could hear Ursa’s voice, sometimes accompanied by Dara’s, telling me how I’d failed them, how I was a traitor.

A few days later, I was lounging in my room, wearing my usual jumpsuit, armour, and a grey scarf with the tails hung dramatically down my back. The few possessions I had were shoved into a small bag, and I was waiting to hear from Kylo Ren about boarding for the Finalizer. I was working on levitating 9B, much to his dismay.

He released some annoyed sounding beeps as I lifted him up by his body, a few feet off the ground. Once he was floating on the air, his head, held on magnetically, slid down his body until it was on the underside of him.

“Sorry bud, but I need to try lifting something heavier. I can’t keep lifting little knick knacks, it’s getting too easy.”

He let out an angry beep.

“That wasn’t a knock on your weight, 9B. Droid parts are just heavy. You’re perfect just the way you are, little guy.”

Now he let out a sound of embarrassed bashfulness.

As I lowered him to the ground, finally my comm link went off.

“Meet me in hangar 7A for boarding, my apprentice.”

“I shall be there momentarily, Commander.”

And the static stopped.

I pulled my bag onto my back, and then did a one over of the room before walking through the halls, 9B following at my heels. 9B had maps of First Order bases and ships installed into his hard drive so I let him lead me to the correct hangar.

When we arrived, I saw that it was a smaller hanger than the one Zahara took me to when she fixed 9B. That one was capable of holding dozens of ships; it was the size of a large neighbourhood. This one had room for maybe two or three smaller ships and there was one large command shuttle parked in the center of it.

There was a dozen or so stormtroopers around to observe the take off. It seemed to be mainly for show, but I hated it. I felt embarrassed, being watched. A lot of the First Order was about the spectacle of it all, when I thought of it: the long, dramatic red banners hung in certain hall terminals, the giant rooms with endless pits, the slick black and grey tones. There was nothing wrong with a little style, but it all felt so sterile.

I walked down the line to see that, for once, I was the one who was perhaps a couple minutes late. Kylo Ren was standing at the base of the ship’s ramp, arms crossed and tapping his foot.

“Finally,” he said as I strode in between the two rows of stormtroopers, each saluting as I passed.

Was he for real right now? He could have warned me earlier about what time we’d be boarding. I’ve been right on time for literally every other thing we’ve done.

Once I reached the end of the row, I stopped in front of him to salute him at the bottom of the ramp. He nodded at me and then turned to look down at the small droid at my side.

“At least we’ll have an astromech now,” he said, turning to board up the ramp. I followed him up and 9B followed us in last.

Ren raised the ramp from a button to the side of the entrance, and I recognized that we were in a loading dock, the cockpit up ahead, and a couple rooms on either side.

“You will be staying in this room,” he said, seeming to want to keep any explanations short. He sounded like he was feeling short-tempered right now so I didn’t dare ask more of him.

I walked over to glance into the room. It was a small living space with a couple bunks, each one small enough to fit a single person. It wasn’t much, but it was only a short flight until we arrived aboard the massive Star Destroyer, which was our goal. I may not even need to sleep. Ren hadn’t told me where the Finalizer currently was so I wasn’t sure how far we were flying.

I returned my attention to the rest of the ship and walked over to observe the cockpit.

“Who is our pilot?” I asked aloud. Ren appeared from the doorway to the other room, which I caught a quick glimpse inside before the door slid closed. It was more like the other sleeping quarters on the base, with a normal bed sitting to one side. Of course he got to have a bit more luxury than any of his passengers would.

“Take a guess,” he said, pushing past me into the cockpit. He took his spot in the pilot’s seat and began powering up the ship for take off.

“I didn’t know you knew how to fly.”

“Well, there’s a lot you don’t know, so I am not surprised.”

“Would you like me to sit in the co-pilot’s seat, Commander?”

“Doubtful I will need you. Do you know anything about flying?”

“Not much, no.”

“You may retire to the living quarters for now.”

I sighed to myself before leaving the cockpit to return to the other room. 9B followed me in from the loading dock now. I dropped my bag onto a bunk and headed over to some chairs at a table, which happened to be beside a window. May as well watch the stars go by, I figured.

I could hear noises of the ship purring to life as I buckled myself in for take off. Some people were better at holding still during take offs, but I inevitably always ended up getting thrown around so I preferred to be buckled in.

“You can go plug yourself into that power station for now, 9B,” I told him, pointing towards the plug on the wall nearby. He nodded and beeped as he headed over to power down for a while.

I watched as the ship finally began to lift off from the shiny black floor of Starkiller Base and we eased our way out of the hangar. Once we were out, our speed picked up quickly. The snowy mountain ranges were passing us by until we were high up enough that it all looked flat. Ren was a little rough on the controls, pulling up harshly and taking quick turns. It was jarring, but soon we were flying through the atmosphere and into the openness of space.

I observed Starkiller Base as we left it behind. It was massive and it had a massive hole through the center of it. It looked like two halves of a planet being held together by weaponry. What had they done to this world when they arrived on it? They destroyed the planet in order to build their base. It was sort of reminiscent of the Death Star in the days of the Galactic Empire only much larger. Wait, could it be a Death Star of sorts? A massive weapon with enough power to destroy whole worlds?

The Resistance had no idea that the First Order owned such a weapon. We really had no idea what we were up against. We thought they’d never again be powerful enough to build such a massive project.

I felt a shock of cold run through my body, like my blood had turned to slush. And it wasn’t the coldness of space that caused it.


	5. Chapter 5

“ _ You betrayed us, Captain. You let us all down. And now you’re here on this ship with one of the most evil men in the galaxy, taking a nap. What’s wrong with you? _ ” It was Ursa’s voice, echoing in my mind once more.

“You’re not Ursa. Go away!” I cried, sitting up in the bunk and bonking my head against the ceiling. “Ow! Shit.” I laid back down and started rubbing the part of my forehead which had been hit.

At some point, while we were in hyperspace, I must have ended up taking a stress nap while considering the knowledge I now had on Starkiller Base. This bunk was a little too... cozy for my liking.

As I let the pain subside, I felt a sudden change in turbulence which could only mean that we were getting back to normal cruising speeds and arriving at our destination.

I had to roll out of the bunk, then I grabbed my scarf and wrapped it around my neck, letting the excess fall behind me. Tiredly, I wobbled over to the window to have a look at our destination.

There, floating in space, was the massive ship we were approaching. It was more akin to where I originally thought we were. I watched as we lined up with a hangar and entered it through the shields, landing into yet another giant structure with shiny black floors and grey walls.

I sighed, unsure of what to expect, grabbing my bag to prepare for our exit.

“9B, we’ve arrived,” I called to the little droid, who powered on and removed himself from the plug to follow.

I stood in the loading dock for a couple minutes before Ren left the cockpit and met with me. He didn’t say a word, just lowered the ramp and began heading on down. I followed a few steps behind him with 9B by my side.

We had a welcoming committee of stormtroopers once more, walking down the line of them as they saluted their Commander.

At the end of the line, we approached a pale man with red hair, a ratty face, and an important-looking outfit.

“General Hux,” Kylo Ren said, greeting him coldly.

“Commander Kylo Ren, your arrival is a welcome one. We-” he stopped as soon as he noticed me standing a few feet behind Ren. “Ah, yes. The Apprentice. Pleased to have you aboard.” He offered a very weak smile and a nod, so I offered an equally weak one back, hardly even trying to seem civil.

“General,” I greeted.

“As I was saying, Commander, we are to have a meeting as soon as you and your apprentice are settled in. The situation may have become more urgent than previously thought. Is an hour enough time?”

Ren turned back to glance at me, but I had no qualm with it.

“The debriefing room in an hour then,” he growled in return. “Come, Apprentice.”

Ren took off to exit the hangar with me scurrying after him. At his height, his legs were longer than mine and his strides took some effort to keep up with, especially when he walked with such purpose. 9B beeped an annoyed little beep and I looked down at him.

“Don’t complain, 9B, at least you get to roll,” I whispered at him.

We entered a sector of the ship which seemed to be reserved for Ren, cut off from the rest by a twice-wide sliding door. I followed him through one more corridor and he gestured towards a hall which branched off from this one.

“Your quarters, where you can drop your bag off, will be the room down this hall,” he said, barely stopping in his march towards his own room.

I stopped in my tracks and watched him continue until his tall, broad frame disappeared behind the doorway at the end of the hall. I looked down at 9B to check that he was still with me and then wandered to the branching off room. When the door at the end of the hallway slid open, another small bedroom was revealed to me. Quite similar to the one on Starkiller Base, actually, but perhaps it was slightly larger.

I dropped my bag onto the bed and began removing some of my possessions from it. It seemed like this would be our base of operations for the foreseeable future, so I may as well get comfortable.

I removed my brown leather jacket, giving it a quick brush with my hand to straighten out the fabric, and then hung it in the closet. Then I removed the few extra jumpsuits I had and tucked them into a drawer. I was about to tuck the armour in as well, but realized that I may as well put it on. It sounded as though we may be leaving shortly after the meeting, from the urgency in the General’s voice.

A short while later, Kylo Ren called for me over the comm-link to meet with him in the adjoining hall so that we could head for the meeting as a unit. We hadn’t spoken much in the past few days, but I almost preferred it this way. It was quiet, and it gave me less opportunity to say something stupid. I asked for 9B to remain in my quarters for the time being before meeting Ren in the intersection of the hallways, and soon we were headed for the debriefing room with me walking a few steps behind his billowing black cape.

We arrived in the room, a long table sitting in the center of it. The General from earlier sat near the head of the table and some other officers were seated around the rest of it. I followed Ren to the head of the room where he stopped and leaned over the table with both arms propping him up. There was a seat there, but he ignored it. Seeing that there was no other seat for me, I stood off behind and to the side of where Commander Ren stood.

“General Hux? Care to finally elaborate on why we’re here?” Ren asked, sounding irked.

“With pleasure,” General Hux replied before pressing a button on his holopad. It transmitted a small hologram to the projector in the center of the table, creating a larger hologram for the whole room to see.

The hologram showed a planet with its information listed to the side: Pillio, aquatic terrain, affiliated with the Galactic Empire and now the First Order.

“This is the planet Pillio, where the Emperor previously held an observatory. It has long since been destroyed by Agent Del Meeko, previously of Inferno Squad and later on, an Imperial defector. Rumour has it, he met with Luke Skywalker on the planet and told no one about it.

“The planet, though in control of the First Order, has mostly been quiet since then. Lately, however, our troopers have been encountering lone Resistance fighters who’ve shown up on the planet out of nowhere, for reasons unknown. It seems likely that they’ll be sending a full scale attack soon, as they are still arriving on the planet every day and will realize soon that their people are not returning. If nothing else, they may see this as an opportunity to take out some members of the First Order in a display of strength.”

“You want us to fend off this attack,” Ren said matter-of-factly, jumping ahead of Hux’s words.

Hux seemed to have been thrown-off and fumbled in his speech for a moment.

“Yes, yes Commander. We’d like you, your apprentice and a team of stormtroopers to fly to Pillio and prepare a retaliation against any newly arriving Resistance members. We feel your presence will intimidate them into staying away from this territory of ours.”

“I see, General,” Kylo Ren spoke a bit more softly now. Then he turned to me. This took me by surprise. “Apprentice, you yourself are a defector of the Resistance. Do you have any ideas about what they may want on Pillio?”

I took in a deep breath as I considered it. I’d never even heard of Pillio, but if Luke Skywalker had been there before, perhaps there was something else there.

“I do not know, Commander. Perhaps it has to do with Skywalker, but I have no idea how,” I explained.

“Well, we will head there regardless and prepare for an assault. Ready my ship,” Ren said, standing up to his full height.

“Yes, Commander,” Hux responded, also standing up, thus queuing the other officers in the room to do the same. They began to leave, but Kylo Ren didn’t move for the door just yet. Instead, he stood and observed intently as the officers and General Hux left the room. Once the large space was empty he turned to me.

“You are not trained in combat, correct? How has your practice been going?” He sounded unusually sincere. I nodded as I considered my words.

“I can shoot a gun, Commander, but I am not much of a fighter. I have become proficient at moving relatively lightweight things with my mind. The heaviest thing I’ve lifted remains the box in the training room back on Starkiller Base, as well as my droid.”

“It’s a good start.”

“Commander, if I may, could I use a blaster rifle for this mission? I believe that if there were a time I required one, now may be that time.”

He stood in thought for a moment, the hood of his cape casting some darkness on his helmet. I knew this would be a big decision for him, as it meant trusting me more than he’d had to since I arrived, but ultimately he conceded.

“I’ll have one brought to the ship for you before take off, and if we have time on Pillio, we shall hold a quick training session to better prepare you for battle. Let us head to the hangar.”

He began marching out of the room and I followed in my stiff First Order walk.

“Should I fetch my droid for the flight?”

“Unnecessary, the First Order shall supply us with one.”

“Understood.”

We arrived back at the hangar, only this time the stormtroopers were boarding instead of just standing around to salute us as we left. An officer standing off to the side, who was on stand-by and had received the comm-link message from Kylo Ren asking for an extra blaster rifle, approached me and handed me the rifle cautiously. Her face was scrunched up, like she detested the idea of handing a weapon to me. I offered a forced smile at her as I took it into my own hands, holding it delicately.

“It’s an E-11, a blaster commonly used by the Galactic Empire.”

“And still in use to this day, apparently,” I commented, examining the thing, one hand on the grip and one under the barrel. “Thank you, officer.”

“If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be handing a weapon to a traitor. If you betrayed the Resistance, why wouldn’t you betray us as well?” she spat venomously, staring at me with cold, grey eyes.

“Take it up with your Commander if you have an issue with me.” I was only brave enough to say it because I knew she wouldn’t do it. I turned back to board the ship.

As I entered, I saw that the stormtroopers had taken seats in the loading bay as well as the living quarters in the side room, leaving no room for me to sit. I then noticed that Ren had taken to preparing the cockpit and so I approached to check in with him. When he saw me, he gestured for me to enter the cockpit.

“Sorry, Commander, there’s no room anywhere else. Am I to sit in the co-pilot seat?” I asked, approaching it cautiously. I never wanted to assume too much around him. Sometimes it wasn’t clear where I was expected to sit or stand, such as back in the debriefing room when we both remained standing for no clear reason.

“I would not have asked you to enter if I did not want you to sit,” he spat, sounding a bit irritated. He seemed to feel this mission was beneath him.

I mean, to be fair, Hux said quite plainly that our purpose here was for intimidation. The very thing I’d hoped for amongst the First Order, only now it was our whole raison d’etre, and that was quite dehumanizing I realized. They literally treated Ren like a weapon, to be flaunted about as an act of terrorization. I could have some sympathy for how that must feel, to be so needed and treated like someone important yet at the same time being tossed out in battle the same way an AT-ST would. But it still was no excuse for being such an awful villain to me.

“Right,” I said weakly, taking my spot in the seat next to him. We were sitting about five feet apart from each other, thankfully not too close. I had no desire for us to be stuck sitting within each other’s personal spaces for the duration of the flight.

Once the stormtroopers had boarded and settled in, Kylo Ren began the take-off and we exited the Finalizer into the vast expanse of space.

I was content to watch the stars go by as we hurtled through hyperspace, but I was getting a little bored. I figured my options were to take a nap, or to try and make conversation. Although I really didn’t want to, I felt like it was the better option right now. It probably wouldn’t take us too long to arrive, a couple hours at most. He couldn’t try much of anything while he was busy maintaining our course. I knew we could be put on autopilot by now, but for whatever reason he seemed to prefer flying it himself.

“So, where did you learn how to fly?” I wasn’t sure if I should expect an answer, and it did follow a moment of silence before he decided to indulge me.

“My father taught me,” he spoke. His voice sounded relaxed. Not happy or anything, just not agitated.

I nodded at hearing this. “Were you... close with him?”

He stayed silent for a second. I turned back to watch the lights zoom by the windshield in a beautiful blue and white display.

“Were you close with your parents?” he asked in return, turning to look at me now.

I was a bit annoyed when he did that, but perhaps if I showed him some trust, he would eventually warm up to the idea of doing the same.

“Yeah, I was. Until the First Order murdered them for selling food rations to the rebellion.” I let that hang in the air for a second but he didn’t interrupt. “We lived on Naboo. Apparently you have a lot of Imperial sympathizers hanging out there nowadays, all dreaming of taking control from the New Republic-”

“Wait, Naboo?” he asked. I knew what a lot of people thought of Naboo, that everyone who came from there was rich, uptight, and snobby. That we were all related to senators, and cared more about the politics and the money than the fighting and the deaths.

“I know what you’re thinking: we weren’t rich, or royalty. We worked for a lot of rich people,” I chuckled.

“No, it’s just… my grandmother was born there. It’s where she and my grandfather were married.”

I nodded along to that.

“Wow, how about that. It is a beautiful planet,” I acknowledged. “One day I’ll go back. I’d like to suggest that you visit, but I’m not sure how your presence there would be received.”

He turned back to flying, his gaze slightly downwards to his gloved hands. His voice took a drastic turn when he spoke next,

“How old were you? When they died, that is.” He sounded soft, vulnerable almost... almost.

Watching him sit hunched over the controls as he asked that question, I almost would have thought he felt guilty. But he was probably just obliging me, figuring he couldn’t escape or shut me up anyways. Or maybe this connection to Naboo truly intrigued him.

“Sixteen. Just old enough to decide I wanted to spend the rest of my life making sure no one else would lose their family to the First Order ever again. And yet, here I am.” I was almost able to find the humour in it all, but saying it aloud also reminded me of just how messed up this was. “It’s all pretty fucked, isn’t it?”

I believed he could sense that I meant little by it, except as a general observation of the state of things, as he wasn’t angered by it at all. But he also didn’t respond.

I turned back to the windshield to watch the stars fly past the window once more. It was quiet for a few minutes before, surprisingly, he broke the silence.

“Do you truly not have any ideas about why the Resistance might be on Pillio?”

I turned back to face him; he was still focused on flying the ship. Why wouldn’t he just put it on auto for a few minutes?

“I don’t. I’ve never heard anyone in the Resistance talk about Pillio. Must be a different division from mine that’s been sending troops there.” We shared a glance for a moment. “I wasn’t lying.”

“But would you lie to the First Order? If you had a reason to?”

“Why would I have a reason to?” I asked, faking a certain naivete.

“Because, from what I have seen, you care too much for others. You feel their feelings too strongly, and if you could say something to cause them less pain, I believe you would.”

I gulped down on my now dry throat and breathed heavily through my nose.

“Did you get all that from those torture sessions you put me through?”

“As my apprentice, you need to see the bigger picture here,” he barked back. “The feelings of individual fighters are an absolutely miniscule price to pay in order to achieve our goals.”

“To rule the galaxy with an iron fist?”

“That is the First Order’s goal. Our goal is to follow the Supreme Leader’s orders and ensure all the Jedi have been destroyed, and that they cannot ever return,” he explained.

I dropped my gaze to my lap, realizing that I did have knowledge that the First Order wanted, and that Ren saw that information. He knew that General Organa was the one who had trained me, and that may well have led him to assume that she was training others, which she was. He only needed to save one of us to give him the information he wanted on the Resistance.

At this point, I decided to take a step back in the discussion.

“What’s wrong with caring about the pain of others? Pain is generally bad, why not try to ensure the galaxy has less of it?”

“How do you rule a galaxy without fear, and how do you create fear without danger?”

“You don’t need fear. You can negotiate, you can offer something the other side wants, you can compromise-”

“The First Order does not compromise,” he snarled.

“Apparently not,” I sighed, unsure of how to respond to that.

Seeing that the conversation had ended, he relaxed, his body free of tension and his shoulders sitting at a gentle downwards slope. “Thanks for speaking with me, Commander.”

He sighed into his voice modulator, creating a fuzzy exhale sound.

“Helps pass the time, I suppose. Your insistence at being friendly is… amusing to me.” With that, he moved a lever to leave hyperspace and we were left facing a large blue planet with small islands of grey and orange spotting certain areas on it.


	6. Chapter 6

As we approached the island where the observatory had existed from the sky, the sight of blasters firing back and forth became visible - red and green shots flying from one side of the battlefield to the other.

“We’re too late,” I whispered, watching as some fighters on either side went down every few shots. Kylo took the ship in for a somewhat awkward landing over a hill from the battlefield, as it was the only spot flat enough to accommodate a shuttle as large as this one.

“Or right on time.”

He stood up from the controls, taking his lightsaber from where it hung along his thigh into his palm. I picked up my blaster back into my hand, taking a few deep heavy breaths before following him out of the cockpit and down the ramp.

The sun was bright on this planet. I took the part of my scarf which wrapped around the back of my neck and unfolded it forward, to cover my head like a hood to protect from the strong sunlight. Kylo Ren ran ahead, clearly ready to engage in the fight, but I marched alongside the stormtroopers until I began to feel lightheaded.

I realized my breathing was quick and staggered and my heart felt like it was struggling to escape my ribcage. I slowed my walk until the team of stormtroopers had all gone ahead and I was the only one left by the ship. I took a look around at the island, filled with tidepools and still damp orange coral. It seemed like the tides must run extremely high and low on this planet. There were lots of rocky hills and cliffs with water worn outcrops.

I approached the edge of the hill, where I could hear the sounds of battle, but couldn’t make my legs carry me over it no matter how hard I tried. My breathing couldn’t keep up and I quickly found myself hyperventilating and crouched over, falling onto my knees, into a puddle. I pulled off my hood and scooped up some of the puddle water in my hands to splash my face with, and I felt a bit cooled off but I didn’t know what else to do while I sat there, fending off the panic attack.

Why did I think I could do this? I’m not a fighter. I’m just errand runner, really. No better than a common smuggler in many ways. Would Ren find out if I didn’t fight? Would he be upset, or understanding? Kylo Ren being understanding, good joke Artie. It didn’t sound like him to feel sympathetic towards my inability to act. No, if anything, he would question me, maybe enter my mind again to make sure I wasn’t doing it out of my loyalty to the Resistance. Just as quickly as we’d had a half-way decent conversation, he’d be back to treating me like dirt.

As I sat there, trying to keep tears in my eyes and my breathing from making me lightheaded, a figure ran out into the openness of the flat space where the ship was parked. I craned my head up to observe as a fighter for the Resistance scrambled away from the fight, seeming to struggle with some injuries as they held their arm and had a few more shots in their legs. They managed to take a few more strides before stumbling onto the ground, landing on their side.

I didn’t think they had noticed me. Now what do I do? Do I make my presence known? Do I stay quiet? I really wanted to stay quiet. Nothing would make Kylo Ren more upset with me than to have a member of the Resistance observe me having such a horrible anxiety episode when I’m supposed to be out fighting. He would say it made me look pathetic.

But as the Resistance fighter checked out their wounds for a couple minutes, they inevitably noticed me in the corner of their eye. I was finally able to make out the shape of a woman, maybe ten years my senior, who existed underneath the armour and gear. She jumped in her skin upon seeing me.

“I thought I was alone!” she yelled at me with a slightly deep voice before reaching for her blaster and pointing it at me. “You’re with the First Order?” she asked, seeming uncertain. She had enough reason to question it; I still refused to gel my hair like most other officers and generals, not to mention my outfit standing out amongst the hordes of stormtroopers.

At first, I didn’t know how to make her believe me when I told her why she shouldn’t kill me. Then I realized I had something much more important to tell her, information that the Resistance needed to know. Kylo Ren would absolutely realize at some point that I had betrayed him, but the number of lives which could be saved right now mattered more than me.

I showed her my blaster in my hand and slowly put it aside, making sure she could see me do it, to show her I meant no harm.

“Can we talk for a moment?” I asked her, my breathing having slowed a bit.

She seemed concerned, but I guess she realized her injuries put her in a bit of a pickle as she also put her weapon to the side.

“What about? You’ll have to come over here, by the way. My legs...” she trailed off, hinting at her numerous wounds.

I picked myself up and began walking over when a rather large explosion went off just on the edge of the hill, close enough to me that I felt I had been kicked in the back and fell forward onto my knees.

“Fuck,” I muttered to myself, pushing myself back up once more. My whole body felt sore now. I approached her and fell back to my knees beside her, showing her that I was at her level and not meaning her any harm.

“You are with the First Order, aren’t you?”

I looked her in the eyes, which were a brownish green, and looked tired beyond their years. She must have been in great pain right now, the blaster shots visible on her nearing a dozen from my glance.

“An unfortunate turn of events. I was with the Resistance where I worked under General Organa. I’m Captain Artemis.”

“Captain Artemis? I thought I’d heard that you and your whole crew were killed on Hosnian Prime?”

“You may very well have heard that. Look, are you able to send a communique back to the Resistance base?”

She adjusted her arm once more, as if to check its functionality as she was leaning on it.

“I should be able to send one, yes. Why?”

“I have some information on the First Order that the Resistance needs to know. Can you send it to them?”

“I can record a hologram and send it back to my captain, who hopefully will show it to the General.”  
“Hopefully will have to be good enough.”

She seemed a bit wary of me, but in the heat of her battle injuries, I guess this must have seemed like a real spark of hope. I hoped my information would be taken seriously by the Resistance. I hadn’t even considered that. What if the Resistance thought that it was somehow a trap to give them false information to be used against them? I’d have to take that risk right now.

“Here, I’ll begin recording.” She took out a holopad and held it in front of both of our faces. “My name is Rini Fithen, this is an important message to be given directly to the General. I am one of the troopers who helped execute the attack on Pillio, and I am recording this from the battle on Pillio, along with Captain Artemis who has information on the First Order to be presented to General Leia Organa.”

She then held the holopad to me to speak. I realized I may not have much time before I was caught and I had to relay all that I had to say rather quickly.

“As Fithen said, I am Captain Artemis, thought to have been dead, killed by the First Order. Instead, I was kidnapped by them and taken hostage leading me to obtain information which will be highly valuable to the Resistance.” I licked my lips, knowing what I was about to say was going to sound ridiculous. “General Organa, the First Order have a weapon, like a Death Star only… bigger. Way bigger. If a Death Star was capable of taking down an entire planet, I can only imagine this one can take out entire systems. I don’t know if they plan on using it any time soon, but it is a rather important base for the First Order, where millions of their troops and personnel reside. I wish I could provide you with a location, but I never managed to discover one. But if we haven’t discovered its presence yet, I can only imagine it is beyond even the Outer Rim. Please, General, I am begging you, be careful with whatever move you make next. Even I don’t know what they’re capable of.”

That seemed to be all. I had hit all the most important aspects I felt I needed to hit based on what I knew.

“May the Force be with you, General. I hope to return to the Resistance soon.”

Rini closed the hologram before opening up a keyboard on the holopad and typing frantically.

“I’ll get this sent out immediately. Keep an eye out for stormtroopers. If everything you just said is true, it is of the utmost importance that this information makes it back to the base.”

I nodded and turned my gaze back to the hill, over which the battle was still occurring. The sounds of blasters firing back and forth and the screams of the fighters on both sides was a lot to bear on its own. I could feel the shrieks in my heart, and it hurt each time I heard one.

“They’ll have me killed for this,” I commented, keeping my eye on the horizon.

“But you did the right thing, Captain. The Resistance will always remember you for this,” Rini replied as she typed away.

I didn’t want to be remembered, not yet. I wanted to live first.

“How on Earth did you end up here, on the wrong side of the battle?” she asked, sounding genuinely confused but not removing her gaze from her holopad.

“They told me it was my loyalty or my life. I am trying to find a way I can desperately keep both. Wouldn’t you have made the same choice?” I thought the answer was obvious; it’s human nature to crave survival. So her answer surprised me when instead she said,

“Not at all. I could never stand on the side of murderers and cold-blooded conquerors. If the Resistance is fighting for freedom, then I see no reason to believe that a life working under the First Order is a life worth living. I would choose loyalty.” There was such conviction in her voice that it made me wish I was less wishy-washy, less prone to fearfully stumbling through half-baked plans as of late.

I closed my eyes for a moment, realizing what I was doing once more and what this would mean. The question was not if; it was how long it would take for Kylo Ren to find out about this, or worse, for Supreme Leader Snoke to find out.

“Don’t move!” I took my gaze away for one moment and a stormtrooper had shown up over the horizon, pointing a blaster in our direction.

Thinking quickly, I looked over at Rini’s body and noticed her blaster rifle not far off. I grabbed it quickly and pointed it at her.

“Get back to the battlefield, trooper. This one’s mine,” I said, looking between the two. “Keep typing,” I whispered to her from behind the blaster.

The stormtrooper laughed a surprisingly hearty laugh before commenting,

“Your arm is trembling, Madam Apprentice. Is all this fighting stuff a little too… uncivilized for you?”

I turned down to my hand and, surely enough, the gun was quivering in my tight grip, sweat producing between my fingers.

“Wait until I tell Commander Ren that his Apprentice is a traitor.”

“That will never happen, because I am not a traitor.”

It’s now or never, I told myself.

“Shoot him now,” Rini whispered through gritted teeth, still typing madly.

“Hey! What are you doing there? What are you typing?” the stormtrooper asked, taking a few steps towards us.

“Now!” she ushered.

Intuitively, I turned the blaster in the direction of the stormtrooper and madly fired off a few shots, knowing at least a couple of them had to hit their target. He fired off a shot, but not before he was hit in the leg with one of my shots and in the chest with another, causing him to propel backwards and into the ground. With his aim compromised, the shot he fired flew at a lower angle directly at my leg.

“Argh!” The grunt was pulled from my throat as I felt the hot blaster shot burn a spot into my calf. I fell back down to one knee, letting the injured leg sit to the side to avoid putting pressure on it. The ache from my whole body seemed to have melted away as the newer, more powerful pain took over.

I forced my gaze up to observe the stormtrooper’s body for a moment as it lay there, limp. My heart was hurting. I clutched at my armour, sitting uncomfortably on my chest, with my left hand.

“I can’t believe I did that. I-I killed him.”

“It needed to be done; he would have killed both of us. And you’re lucky you’re only walking away with that,” she nodded in the direction of my leg.

The fact didn’t remove the horrible bodily feelings I was experiencing right now.

“Okay, the message has been sent. Now,” she paused, putting the holpad away and reaching for the barrel of my gun from where it sat, still in the grip of my right hand. She grabbed it and pointed it towards herself.

“What are you doing?” I shrieked in panic.

“You need to kill me. I’m injured and I won’t make it. Plus, you and I both have allegiances to prove. If my fighters see you, they will shoot on sight, it will be no better than if you are seen with a member of the Resistance. This is the only way now.”

“I can’t,” I cried, feeling tears spilling out of my eyes, my left hand still clutching at my heart.

“You can. Just pull the trigger. I am giving you permission to kill me. I no longer have any use here, and with these injuries I’m not getting out of here any other way. I’ve worked my whole life for the Resistance, and giving them the information you found is a more than dignified way to die.”

I sat in that thought for a moment before remembering the question that had been burning in my mind, as well as the whole reason we came to this planet.

“Wait, why are the Resistance here to begin with? I need to know.”

“We don’t have the time, Captain!”

“Just briefly, why?”

“We thought there might be clues as to Master Skywalker’s current location in exile, or perhaps even that he was here. Are you happy? Now shoot me before someone sees you crying.”

I took in some more deep breaths, feeling tears streaming down my cheek and down my neck, before removing my left hand from my armour and scrambling to stand up. I avoided putting my weight onto the injured leg as I placed the now free left hand under the barrel of the blaster rifle.

“You’re not like me, Rini. You’re a good woman. A very dignified and loyal woman.”

She smiled a warm smile before smartly replying, “I know.”

I closed my eyes, letting her hand guide the barrel to her forehead, and then I forced myself to pull the trigger. The high-pitched sound hurt my heart and my head.

I felt the barrel of the gun being released from her grip and heard her body limply fall to the hard rocky ground, splashing in a shallow tidepool as it did so. I swallowed roughly on the excess saliva pooling in my mouth, taking deep breaths to try and steady myself.

And so, I was left standing alone in the clearing: a dead stormtrooper, a dead Resistance fighter, and a few blaster pistols lying around. I opened my eyes gently trying to avoid the sight of poor Rini Fithen’s lifeless body but caught a small glimpse of her head, where the impact had hit the hardest.

I had to close my eyes again and gulp down even more saliva before taking a few stumbling steps away. I couldn’t see where I was going, but I held a hand forward to feel for the rock I had remembered seeing. Once I knew I was away from the bodies, I let my eyes flutter open. Though my vision was distorted by tears sitting in my eyes, I could make out the shape of the rock and I grabbed onto it with my right hand, hung my head over the edge of the cliff and promptly emptied my stomach. There wasn’t much in it to be ejected, but my body heaved and tried regardless.

As I was standing there, leaning on my good leg with my arm against the rock and my head hanging over the edge just in case it wasn’t over, the static on my comm-link started going off. I still felt nauseous as I reached into the pouch where it sat and pulled it out, waiting for the message to come through.

“Apprentice, where is your current position?”

I realized that the air was still and quiet; the battle must have been over. Think quickly, I told myself, looking back over at the clearing and the ship. I thought back for a moment to when Kylo Ren told me I was hard to read. Most likely, I could play around a bit with the truth and get away with it for now.

“I… ended up back near the ship.” I glanced down at Rini’s body, contorted against the water-worn rocks. “I managed to interrogate a member of the Resistance by surprising her and holding her at gunpoint.”

Now I had to debate with myself quickly: do I tell him what I discovered? How much was worth saying without being caught?

“The remaining stormtroopers and myself will return to your position soon. Stay there.”

I waited for the static to stop before breathing out a desperate, “Fuck.”

I hobbled back over to where Rini’s body was, finding a spot to stand where it could have looked like I shot her. Which I did. I stood in a position where I was close enough to her body that I could have easily made the shot to her head, and also hit the stormtrooper. I stood where I basically was when the whole thing went down, only I positioned myself a few feet farther away from Rini, so that it didn’t look like we were standing too close. Realizing there was no way to comfortably ignore the pain in my calf, I then took a seat on the ground, holding my leg off to the side once more.

Then I remembered I had been crying and vomiting, so I began wiping at my eyes and mouth before washing off my hands in a nearby puddle. Next, I dried my cheeks of wetness before realizing that all that’s left is to hope that this worked.

I figured, while I was sitting here, I may as well wash off my wound a bit, just in case it had gotten dirty. It was while I was doing this that Kylo Ren returned over the horizon along with about half the number of stormtroopers we’d started with. As they passed by the stormtrooper that I had killed earlier, Ren didn’t even toss a glance his way, but a couple other stormtroopers did, perhaps realizing how close their brush with death was in this battle as they did so.

Ren commanded the troopers to board the ship while he marched over to me, still seeming to have the adrenaline from the battle running through his veins as his shoulders were tensed and his stride was a forward march. He stepped over Rini’s body until he stopped about a foot in front of me and stared down at me for a moment, I assumed waiting for me to explain. I offered him a weak smile.

“Are you getting a kick out of this or something?” I tried to sound annoyed with how things had turned out. It was a meek effort to hide the soreness and pain I was feeling, physically and emotionally.

“I will bring you to the medical wing once we return to the Finalizer. What happened here?” he asked, offering a hand to help me up. I wanted to be surprised that he would be so kind, but I realized he didn’t have much of an option as I couldn’t really get back up on my own and he had probably realized it.

I took his gloved hand in mine and let him help me up to my feet.

“She came for me, the stormtrooper tried to intervene and she shot him,” I invented, trying once more to put my weight on my leg.

I hissed at the feeling and shook my head, trying to show him that I couldn’t walk alone. He sighed, but took my arm and placed it over his shoulder before putting his other hand around my back and we began walking forward as he allowed me to share his weight. His shoulders felt firm and strong, and that was a very comforting feeling right about now when my whole body felt very weak.

“Thank you, Commander,” I said, a bit confused about how anything he was doing was giving me comfort. He wasn’t exactly a warm person, after all. “Anyways, I was able to knock her weapon out of her hand, hold her at gunpoint to question her, and then I executed her.”

I tried to avoid leaning my head onto his shoulder, knowing he probably wouldn’t feel comfortable with that level of familiarity. It was hard not to in my weakened state. It also didn’t help that, though he smelled a bit of blaster smoke, he also smelled vaguely of something woodsy, or maybe musky.

“We will talk more once we’ve taken off.”

Once we entered the ship, I saw that the remaining stormtroopers had retired to the living quarters to rest. Ren helped me back into the cockpit and into the co-pilot’s seat, releasing me gently to avoid putting pressure on my leg. Despite the fact that the muscle wasn’t hurting as long as pressure was avoided, the surface of my skin in the affected area still felt like it was burning. I could barely sit without scrunching up my face as I tried to deal with the scorching hot feeling.

I propped up my head onto my hand, as I sat there just trying to live with the pain for a while longer. How long would it take to return to the Finalizer? A couple hours, I think it was? Far too long. As Ren started the ship and began the take off, every rumble felt like it was shoving and pinching the nerves in my wound. He flew us out of the atmosphere of the planet and set us on course for hyperspace before continuing our conversation.

“Once the battle was over, I examined the entrance to the Emperor’s old observatory. It was indeed shut closed by a detonator many years ago. There is no way to reach anything inside without an excavation team, if there even is anything left that wasn’t destroyed by the blast. What did you discover from the Resistance fighter?” he was able to hold the conversation so casually, as if he hadn’t just mown down members of the Resistance like dominos, as if I wasn’t sitting over here experiencing excruciating pain.

“Um, she told me… they thought there may be clues as to where Skywalker was hiding. Evidently, that wasn’t the case.” Was that the truth that I meant to tell him? I couldn’t even think straight to be telling him things like this. My body felt absolutely drained. “I’m sorry, Kylo. My leg just hurts so much, I can barely think.”

I don’t know if it was because I called him Kylo, but his body language changed all of a sudden. He flipped the ship into autopilot and then stood up and approached my chair. I looked up at him, confused about what he was doing.

“What is it?” I asked him, observing his hovering frame.

“I’m sorry, you must be in a great deal of pain. Let me escort you to a bed to rest.”

He’s sorry?  _ He _ ’s sorry? I could hardly imagine him saying the words, yet they managed to escape his mouth somehow.

I licked my lips, mentally preparing for the pain of standing up and readjusting my balance. As he helped me back up onto my feet, I leaned a bit hard on the injured leg by accident and my body dipped down as the pain shot up my spine and I released a rather undignified grunt. He looked away from my gaze now, perhaps finding it too pathetic to see my injured body.

We made our way into the loading bay and he looked towards the living quarters. I followed his gaze, seeing that each bunk seemed to have a stormtrooper resting in it, not to mention the two tending to broken armour in the seats by the window.

Seeing this, he turned us in the other direction.

“Where are we going?” I asked, stupidly, in my dazed state.

The only other room, of course, was Kylo’s personal quarters on the opposite side of the ship. The door slid open and we took a couple steps in. The bed sat wedged into a corner, where the wall with the door met the wall next to it, which Kylo slowly helped me down onto.

“Are you sure?” I asked him, as I removed a hand from around his shoulders and placed it down onto the bed. The sheets were surprisingly soft and luxurious.

“I thought you may want some privacy, in case your injury makes you create any more... strange, primal sounds.” Odd as it may sound, I thought I could hear a smile in his voice, like he thought my sounds of pain were hilarious. He turned back to face the rest of the ship through the doorway now.

“Well, that’s quite kind of you I suppose.”

“Get comfortable.”

I felt strange, getting relaxed around him, but with my leg in this state I really desired some kind of bodily comfort. I cautiously removed my boots from my legs and lifted the injured one delicately up onto the bed before following it with the other one. My head fell back and melted into his pillow, feeling it cushion my neck. Some more of his scent was on the pillow. I tried to pretend I didn’t notice, but it was a rather nice smell and I relished in being able to sit here and enjoy it.

I looked back up to him where he stood in front of the doorway, seeming unsure of what to do now. I wasn’t sure what he should be doing either, but it was his room and I couldn’t make him leave.

“Want to sit down for a while?” I patted the spot on the bed, to my left side. Having him sit and relax for a moment would be less awkward than him just standing there, thinking to himself in my space.

“I-I shouldn’t.” That sentiment seemed to come out of nowhere. I raised an eyebrow up at him as I folded an arm behind my head to prop myself up a bit.

“Unless you’d rather go fly the ship. I understand, it’s fine-”

“No, I… I’ll stay for a minute.” He backed away from the sliding door and it closed. It was just the two of us now, alone in his room. I had a quick glance around it while he took a seat on the edge of the bed, his legs politely folded off the side of it. He had quite a few bookshelves with books, documents and data disks crammed into them. Everything was a slightly darker shade of black or grey than the colours of the First Order ships.

His breathing was soft once again, relaxed after the battle and before the next debriefing could ever occur. This was the calm. He turned towards me and lingered for a moment. I had to wonder what his eyes were doing, and what he was thinking.

“I know this may be a bad time, but may I read your mind to see how the Resistance fighter explained the information she gave you? I’m curious about if there’s any other hints I can find in her language.”

I found it an odd question for sure. He was asking before reading my mind? How odd. More importantly though, I realized that I couldn’t let him see what had happened between us. If I thought hard enough on the story I told him, could I possibly fool him? I imagined that must be hard even for a well-trained Jedi.

“She said it pretty much the way I explained it to you. Do you really need to do that? Not to mention, I’m already in a lot of pain. Is now really the best time to enter my mind and cause me more?” It seemed like a clever way of getting him to reverse his idea.

“Well,” he began, sounding almost bashful. “It doesn’t have to hurt when I enter your mind.”

The realization washed over me then.

“Of course, the pain wasn’t part of the mind reading. It’s just a little sweetener you add to make interrogations worse for your prisoners. It didn’t hurt you when I tried to enter your mind, after all.”

He didn’t respond to that, he just continued to observe me intently.

“May I?”

I had run out of reasons to say no, out of lies to give. I had to hope I was as hard to read as he’d said.

“I suppose so, yeah.” I laid back into the pillow in an attempt to relax myself more.

Unsure of how else to fake him out, I began thinking of the story I had told him and tried to imagine Rini’s face as she explained what she had told me, only this time with fear in her eyes and my blaster at her temples.

Kylo held a leather gloved hand to my temple, and I felt a prodding sensation in my mind though there was no pain this time, just as he’d said. It felt more like a gentle grip rather than a twisting intensity session.

I just kept trying to imagine it: imagine her telling me the information I had, imagine her telling me she didn’t want to die, begging for her life, and then I imagined myself pulling the trigger, killing her in cold blood after she gave me the information I wanted. I could see it all so clearly, using all the different memories in my mind and mixing them together to form the image I wished to see.

But then I felt a pinch interrupt the gentle grip. After the pinch hit me, I began to remember my panic attack, how I stumbled to the ground, unable to breathe. I could feel it all over again, my heart pattering against my ribcage in a furious flutter, my lightheadedness, the nausea that occurred after I pulled that trigger.

Was Ren seeing all this?

After a few more seconds of that, he stopped and I opened my eyes to see him pulling his hand away slowly. He replaced it onto his lap and seemed to be in thought as his gaze turned from me to his knees. Everything seemed to be happening very slowly, right when I needed to know. What had he seen? How much of that was he privy to?

“Kylo?” I wanted to bring him back to the situation in a friendly way, just in case nothing was wrong. He was quiet for a few moments which seemed like small eternities. “Kylo Ren?”

He picked his head up and turned his gaze back to me.

“I find it hard to see what you have seen, but your feelings come through very easily,” he commented, sounding confused about me. “There’s something you experienced on Pillio... What was that?” he asked. I expected him to see the truth, expected to hear some venom in his voice, expected to hear him snap at me and begin yelling, maybe throwing some things around the room. But his voice was still soft and thoughtful, just as it was before he read my mind.

“W-what was what?”

“That strange… thing that happened to you when we arrived on Pillio? I could feel it almost as though it was happening to me, and it was terrifying. But I don’t think you were even in battle yet.”

It then dawned on me what he was referring to.

“Oh! You mean… you mean my panic attack,” I realized, feeling a bit embarrassed that he saw that part. It felt a bit violating that he’d managed to pry that feeling straight out of my mind. Reading minds was a fairly violating act in general, but I’d consented to him seeing the rest. And if he had seen what I saw in my mind, then I believed that part had been successful. “It’s an anxiety attack.”

“And you get these… attacks often?” He seemed utterly confused and, I had to admit to myself this time, I found it adorable in a way. He was so ignorant to experiences he’d never had, it was kind of naive.

“Oh, how the tables turn. Finally there’s something about me that you know nothing about,” I chuckled.

His head tilted to the side in confusion, as if telling me he wanted answers, not me basking in this small moment of victory.

I looked down at my hands, laid against my stomach, and thought about what to tell him next.

“They started when I was young. They got worse for a while after I lost my parents, and then they’d mostly left me except for on certain really dangerous missions when all hope seemed lost. Although, since being with the First Order, I must admit, I’ve been experiencing them a fair bit more often than has become my usual.”

“Why? Because you don’t know how to fight?”

“Well, no, just because… I’m put into a situation that my body doesn’t know how to handle. Not knowing how to fight is just one example out of many. Sometimes they happened for no reason when I was having them frequently.”

“Are… are you okay?” He sounded uncertain as to whether he should even care to ask.

“I’m glad you’ve taken an interest in this, Kylo, but this doesn’t seem like you. Why are you so worried about me?”

“I’ve just… never known anything like this. I mean, uh, I’ve never had someone else’s feelings come through so strongly in a memory before.”

“Lucky me, I guess,” I joked. He glared back at me closely, still seeming quite bewildered, and this time I just glared back, waiting for him to speak.

“You perplex me… Artie.”

“Why is that?” I giggled, somewhat unconsciously. He did it, he used my name.

Then, he did something even more surprising. He pulled off one of his gloves to reveal an open pale hand with long fingers and slightly red knuckles. I was almost surprised to see that he was human underneath the outfit.

He placed his hand over mine, which sat to my side, and he began slowly removing the glove from my own hand.

“Aren’t you gonna ask first? Say please and that?” I asked him, seeing his polite streak end as his curiosity took over. I still had no idea why he was doing this, but I was surprised to find that I didn’t object to it. It was so out of character for him to just converse with me, let alone have it turn out like this. Seeing this innocent curiosity he seemed to possess take over him made me feel like there was another side to him, though. It just made him so much more… human.

“Sorry, may I?”

“You may,” I smiled, pleased that he’d obliged me.

He continued slowly pulling at each finger of the glove until it was loose enough to remove. He slid it off my hand, then delicately placed his hand on top of mine, not holding it though. Just conforming to its shape. His skin was a little on the cold side, but it felt kind of nice.

“Why are you like this all of a sudden, Kylo? Are you not my Commander, and I, your apprentice?” I asked him, beginning to realize that this was very likely highly outside of protocol. I wondered whether he had acted this way with any of his Knights of Ren.

“I don’t know, perhaps I… I shouldn’t be. But it’s almost as if the Force that surrounds you, makes you... cause others to feel what you feel. And with all the time we’ve been spending together…”

His cool touch made me want to smile, but I tried to not let it come through. I could see him struggling with this, knowing something about this action was wrong, but if he was feeling anything like I what I was then it must have been calming to him too. My breathing had slowed to a gentle pace, almost as it was when I was meditating.

There was something else though. I could feel another emotion, one that wasn’t familiar to me at all and mustn't have been my own. There was an anger, a frustration bubbling and simmering and I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. It made me want to yell, scream, punch, or throw something. I could also hear more echoes of voices in my mind, from Ursa and Dara, but there were also countless others. Screams and cries, and the sounds of blasters, flying around my head from the countless he had slaughtered in his life thus far, which haunted me as they reverberated around my mind.

“I think I can sense your feelings as well, the way the Force affects you. Just a little bit, but I can feel it,” I commented. It concerned me a bit, that this passionate anger sat so close to the surface of his demeanor at all times.

I watched him working through his thoughts, my mouth ever so slightly parted and wanting to speak but having nothing to say. I was amazed by his capacity to understand the ways of the Force. Could what he was saying be true? The emotions certainly didn’t come from me, and I can only imagine that whatever he was feeling mustn’t have come from him.

Suddenly, he pulled his hand away and replaced his glove. I wanted to object, to reach up and take his hand back into mine. Why did I want that, though? I suppose I did kind of like seeing this other side of him, this curiosity about the world. Somewhere within him, this childlike sense of wonder still lived.

I didn’t allow myself to speak, honestly afraid of what I’d say at this juncture in time. I bit my lip, holding it closed.

“I should not have done that, I’m sorry.” His tone of voice changed back to a more dutiful and focused one. “I will have to consult with the Supreme Leader about your abilities. We’ll figure out how best to put them to use,” he said, standing up and leaving the room with his cape billowing behind him.


	7. Chapter 7

When we arrived back on the Finalizer, Kylo helped me down the ramp where I was greeted by a medical droid and a gurney. Once he helped me onto it, he explained,

“I must go and have a word with the Supreme Leader over hologram. I will fetch your droid and tell him to meet you in the medical wing. He has an inbuilt map and will keep you company until you are ready to be led back to your quarters.”

And then I watched him storm off down one hallway while the medical droid wheeled me off in another direction. I couldn’t help but think back to the feeling of his hand on mine, and something about watching him hurry off, away from me, made me feel a bit agitated.

I couldn’t help but to mentally focus on that moment. It seemed so out of the blue. Even now, as the medical droid stitched up the gash in my calf, all I could think about was him taking his glove off with the sudden urge to touch my hand, with the pressing need to have some kind of skin-to-skin contact with me. I wondered if that was what allowed our emotions to pass through to each other so easily? He seemed to be have been able to feel something before that moment in order to give him the hunch that the touch may do something. But it seemed the touch was what let the emotions exchange from body to body, like a transfer of heat.

It was a fascinating prospect, if I could make him feel what I was feeling. It seemed the more time we spent together, the more my feelings affected him. It was an odd thought, but I doubted it could go far. I just couldn’t imagine him ever having the same propensity for pacifism and kindness that I do.

And now he was going to speak with Snoke, who I imagine would not like this one bit unless he could use it to his advantage. If it turned out he couldn’t and was displeased, then it would be my fault this was happening, I realized. It would be my fault that Kylo Ren was beginning to feel too strongly. Would Snoke hurt Kylo if he had failed him? Would he kill him? I didn’t doubt that he was capable of it and would perhaps see it as the best route to take to prevent a weapon such as Kylo Ren from turning to the Resistance.

And that was an even more weirder thought, Kylo Ren becoming a Jedi knight for the Resistance. I had to have a little laugh to myself at that one. If I ever was the one to make that happen, then maybe my death could be half as dignified as Rini Fithen’s one day, when it comes.

The best route of action for now seemed to be to continue playing both sides, but now I had to try a little harder to show allegiance to the First Order. Now wasn’t the time to worry about getting back to the Resistance. I could consider that later, if I ever had a good opening to do so. I gave the Resistance one of the most important pieces of information I could in this war; they would know that I was on their side. I had done what I could. Now was the time to play back into Snoke and Kylo Ren’s game. I would have to try to hide my feelings when possible, continue on with my duty, and take it more seriously now.

Most importantly perhaps, I should avoid becoming too friendly with Ren. It was dangerous. Snoke could find out so easily as it seemed that Ren reported to him often.

But thinking back to how gently he touched me, I wondered, even if I stayed professional with him, would he do the same? I was emotional, but he was passionate and full of rage, as well as probably other unexplored and undealt with emotions which held a lot of uncertainty if he ever did work through them.

9B entered the medical wing just then, rolling in with his dulled blue and shiny black frame reflecting off the floors. I had to smile when I saw him. Having a droid was always comforting to me. Perhaps I was too reliant on technology for companionship, but what did I care. I had no friends here.

“Hey, 9B. Nice to see you again.”

He beeped at me as if judging me for getting injured.  
“Injuries happen, buddy. It’s a war.” He sounded disappointed in me. I just shook my head at him as I went back to watching my wound get patched up.

When I was good to go, I was given some pain medication and some extra pills to take with me. The leg felt virtually normal, as if it had never been in pain to begin with. I was even able to walk on it without it hurting.

I thanked the medical droid as we left. It returned some distorted beeps as 9B and I left the sector, heading back for my room.

Ren let me rest for a few days before calling me in for another training session. He had attended to a mission with his other trainees, or perhaps partners, the Knights of Ren. I wondered if he’d ever introduce me to them or if I was meant to be a separate entity.

During those few days, I spent a lot of time practicing, using good memories to help me lift things for a while before, inevitably, the darkness would roll in like a heavy fog and the ghosts of my failure would return to haunt me once more. It was hard to make myself continue past that. I always thought the dark side was seductive because it made you desire power, but I didn’t think that it accomplished that by reminding you of your defeats. I guess it was meant to push you past your failures, to seek greatness in the future? Hearing those voices though, it only made me feel beat down.

I went into the training room early, and it was quite similar to the one back on Starkiller Base. I turned my attention to the shooting range as I had an hour to kill and decided that, if a blaster was what he wanted me to have, then I should learn to become a better shooter and now was as good a time as ever to practice.

I picked up one of the rifles from the nearby rack, quite similar in make to the one I had used on the mission, and held it in my hands for a moment, shifting its weight around to understand its build. I held it up as if preparing to fire at the target at the end of the range, then returned it beside my hip. Then I picked it up once more, testing out how it feels to pull it out in battle.

Now, I settled its sights on the target properly. I understood the basic idea of how to shoot, but in the past I usually never needed my pistol. On the occasions that I did, I was virtually always at quite a close range. With the longer range weapon though, I only had an idea of how to make a shot count. I tried to guess where the barrel was pointed based on where my eye could see the target over the weapon.

I took a deep breath and then held in as I tensed up, remembering how it felt to shoot Rini right in the temple. I was biting my lips closed from the inside when I took the shot, which missed and hit the back wall of the range. The heat from the blaster was discharged through vents on its sides, hitting my face. I took in another deep breath, relaxed my shoulders a bit more, and tried again. This shot was a little closer, grazing against the edge of the target.

Releasing a sigh, I brought the weapon back down to my side once more. I couldn’t fire the weapon without thinking about Pillio. Perhaps that was why I couldn’t aim: since then, I’ve had negative emotions tied to firing a blaster. It clouded my concentration, but I had to keep trying. If I couldn’t hit my target when I needed to, the next mission would only be harder on me. I couldn’t hide and panic every time I was required to enter a battlefield. Ren would catch on more than he already had.

I brought the weapon back up into aiming position once more, this time trying to make sure that I was entirely relaxed, that I exhaled as much as I inhaled, and that my movements were well-regulated. I focused on the target as I fired the shot, and the ear piercing blaster shot rang out and hit the target about six inches away from the center.

It was an improvement.

“If you become stronger with the Force, you’ll develop a better intuition for things like firing blasters, Apprentice,” the voice boomed from the doorway. My head shot around to see that Kylo Ren was standing there, leaning against the door frame, oddly casually. He didn’t have his cape or hood on, just his more casual tunic look and his helmet.

“I’m sure I will, Commander.” I nodded and was about to return the gun so we could continue our Force training but he held a hand up at me to halt as he approached. He sounded agitated now.

“Try again. Really feel where the sweet spot is to take the shot. Relax yourself,” he said, putting an arm around the outside of mine, helping me guide the shot.

I shook off his arm from me. “I’m going to need to feel this out for myself, Commander,” I explained to him, slightly annoyed, as I got back into position.

“Uh, I’m sorry,” he responded, sounding a bit flustered. “You’re right, Apprentice.”

He moved to stand on my other side now, face to face as we did in most of our training sessions, only now I was aiming a blaster sideways from my body.

“Let yourself feel and the Force will guide your hand.”

I tried to use a little less control, tried to let my intuition guide me a little more and I moved my aim along with that feeling until I hit a stop. I glanced over at him quickly, seeing that he was observing me, and then turned my eyes back to the target and fired.

The heat was discharged from the blaster, releasing a shot which landed perfectly in the center of the target.

“Perfect,” he said, hitting a button beside the range with the edge of his fist, causing the target to swap out for a fresh one which had no marks on it. “If you have the time, I encourage you to return and practice before our next outing.”

I put the blaster rifle away into the rack and looked back over Ren. He seemed quiet now, but I could sense that he was also bothered by something. I knew what I wanted to ask him, but I felt it was probably better to warm up to it.

“How did your mission go, Commander?”

“Quite well,” he said simply, seeming to be in thought about what else to say about it. “I believe we may have killed another of your General’s students in the Force.”

I closed my eyes at hearing this, as if it was a lash to my body. I could have sworn I saw him wince the moment before my eyes shut.

“I understand.” I knew it was what he had to do. That was his mission, to make sure the Jedi can never return. It was what he was trained to do. “Did you… get their name? Or interrogate them at all?”

“No,” he responded coldly. Faceless Resistance captains being slaughtered, of course. Why would he care? “He was more advanced than you were when you first arrived. He was able to use the Force like a Jedi padawan would, moving objects, pushing stormtroopers around the battlefield-”

“Perhaps you chose the wrong apprentice,” I quipped, only half serious.

“The Supreme Leader is never wrong.”

He said it before I did, bringing the conversation to exactly where I wanted it to be.

“Speaking of which, what did the Supreme Leader say when you spoke to him?” I asked. I made sure that I was standing like a perfect First Order officer when I asked this, my arms behind my back and shoulders square. I wanted to give off the impression that the question was being asked for purely professional purposes.

“It is none of your concern,” he growled. “So do not concern yourself with it.”

That was the coldest he had been with me in a while. It was a somewhat welcome return, at this point. I began to question if I was having too much of an effect on him.

“Understood, Commander. I was merely curious about-”

“We will begin training now.” He cut me off with such firm diction, that there was no way I could make my way through the interruption. His voice was too determined to escape that line of questioning.

I nodded at this and looked down at the floor, slightly embarrassed that he had scolded me, but I understood that it was part of his training to discipline and that he was only doing what he thought he needed to.

I was being way too understanding of everything he did as of late. Him behaving like this used to piss me off, only a week ago. Maybe he was getting to me as well. I did not like this one bit.

After a couple hours of training, of applying some more Force lifts and working on some pushes and pulls during which Kylo kept his composure, he concluded the training by explaining to me that we’ll be debriefed again in a couple of days.

“Do you think you will be prepared to fight this time? We may be up against some more of your Force-trained ex-colleagues in the future. All you need to do is give in to your feelings of anger, your focus and determination, but maintain an aura of serenity, and the Force will help guide your intuition. It will all be just as practiced.”

He could believe it was anger and determination guiding my Force usage if he wanted, but all I needed right now was to be able to fight. That was all.

“I believe I will be better prepared this time around.”

“Good. We meet for the debriefing tomorrow morning.”

“I will see you there, Commander.”

The debriefing that day went quite similarly to the first one, General Hux spoke most of the time and I stood at Kylo Ren’s side as we took in the information.

“Kylo Ren and his apprentice,” Hux said nodding in our direction, “Are to head to the planet Vardos. It is aligned with the First Order so you should have no trouble with your arrival there. We do, however, believe that some Resistance presence may have flown under the radar. Given the information we received from the Resistance fighters back on Pillio, that they were seeking disgraced Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker, that may also be the case here. Your orders are to interrogate, and then execute any Resistance fighters or sympathizers you may find.”

“We will leave immediately, in that case,” Kylo Ren responded.

I observed how the blue light from the hologram danced along the chrome of his helmet, yet was softened by the matte black of it. His hands had a tight grip of the back of the chair, sitting empty at the head of the table, I could see how tense he was by the wobble in his fingers. I found myself biting the inside of my lip as I thought about how we would go about this mission.

“Please do, Commander. I wish you luck.”

“Quite unnecessary, General.”

Hux made a face before turning to the rest of his officers, prompting them to stand. They all began to exit the room.

Ren had a hand up to his chin now, seeming in thought as he watched the officers leave. I took a step towards him.

“Should I bring my droid, Commander?”

“Yes. Fetch your droid, ask it to meet us in the hangar.”

I followed a few steps behind him as I turned on my comm-link to reach 9B, asking him to meet us at Ren’s parked ship.

We arrived and began setting up for take off, and 9B arrived a few minutes later, rolling up the ramp.

“Hey, you made it, buddy!” I said to him, pushing the button to raise the ramp. He beeped with interest, looking around the ship. It had been a week and a half or so since he’d last been on here so he must have been checking for any differences in case he was needed for anything. “Go hang out in the other room, I gotta sit up front.”

He made an impressed little whistle and rolled off into the living quarters while I went to take my place in the co-pilot’s seat. Kylo Ren was focused as we were taking off so I enjoyed the view as we exited the Finalizer to fly amongst the stars. He set the course for Vardos, and then pulled the lever to send us into hyperspace.

I wished he would tell me what he and Snoke had discussed. It seemed to have a great impact upon whatever happened to me, so being purposefully left out of the loop felt disconcerting. It was probably the quietest ride we’d had in a while, but I could feel that he wanted the quiet right now. I didn’t want to be the one who interrupted the silence this time.

The quiet was nice anyways. It let me sit in my feelings for a while and meditate. In a weird way, I could feel my bond to the strange energy which surrounded all living things strengthen. It was definitely stronger than when I was first captured, so there must have been something to Ren’s methods of Force training. The unfortunate side effect was, the closer I got with the Force, the louder the dark side became as it tried to entice me to it.

When we arrived, we were greeted by more stormtroopers who had been told of Ren’s arrival on the planet. It must have been a bit exciting for them, having such an important First Order member arrive on the planet they were assigned to defend and oversee. I told 9B to wait on the ship for now as we were carried off into another meeting room in a tall building.

The buildings here were smooth, rectangular designs and the city layout from above looked a bit like an oversized electrical grid. Red First Order banners decorated the outsides of many buildings, and stormtroopers had a heavy presence here, in the base. Though I’m sure they were circulating throughout the city as well. It was hard to imagine Resistance fighters being sent here without a large amount of preparation. They would have to remain undercover, as a civilian or as a member of the First Order. It would not be a simple mission by any measure.

The officers who led the meeting showed us a map of the city and described the layout to us, showing us where they had already found and executed a few Resistance members, but something about it felt off. The information we had been given and plan didn’t line up somehow.

When the officers gave Ren and I a break to discuss, I brought it up with him.

“Commander, why would they look for Skywalker here? Anywhere near this base would be the last place he would go, the last place any Resistance members would want to go. It would be suicide to show up here. This is a waste of time.”

“I’ve considered that as well. On the other hand, perhaps somewhere outside the city would be perfect, in a sense. Precisely because one would think it’s the last place he would go.”

“Perhaps. I don’t know, it seems unlikely.”

He put a hand to his chin again as he turned back to observe the map of the city. The places where the Resistance members were seen were commercial districts, filled with shops and restaurants.

“Why would they put themselves so out in the open?” I questioned. “When we had to collect supplies from a contact, the contact would usually meet us in areas of cities with less police or First Order presence, such as Red Light districts, or the borders of towns, sectors with dilapidated and unused buildings.”

“Red Light districts?”

“Yeah, like, where there’s lots of brothels and such. On certain planets, depending on the legality of such things, the police presence can be heavier or lighter. Often though, they don’t want to get involved. I’ve had to meet contacts at bars in such districts at times.”

He glared at me for a moment. I wondered what he was thinking about on that line of questioning. I didn’t think much of it at this point, and it was hard to tell if he was asking in a professional or personal sense.

“Vardos does not have such a thing,” an officer explained, with an awkward cough punctuating his words.

“Maybe not that you know of, but many cities do. Even if they’re a bit hidden from the eye of the law, just outside the city.” I’d been on enough different planets to know that it was surprisingly easy at times to hide whole markets just under one’s nose.

“I can assure you, it would not exist without us knowing.”

I shrugged at her words, still looking down at the map in thought.

“But you think districts similar to this are worth checking? There are some unused buildings over in this sector, here, though it is still fairly commercial,” Ren asked me, pointing towards one of the sectors that the officers had highlighted in red. 

“Absolutely, they’re worth checking. That district probably has the best of both worlds.”

“Then that’s where we shall go.”

Ren stood up, seeming to want to get out of this stuffy boardroom. Admittedly, I did too. I was already beginning to hate these meetings, so I could only imagine how he felt after all this time attending them. But at least we had a plan of action.

Before we could head towards the door, the same officer who gave us the debriefing cleared her throat before calling out,  
“Actually, Commander-” Ren and I turned back towards her. “-We’d been meaning to tell you, we don’t think it’s actually a very good idea for you to be a part of this scouting team.”

“What?” he barked.

“She’s right,” I realized. “You draw too much attention, walking around in a mask with a lightsaber at your belt.”

“Exactly. We were thinking to send your apprentice along with an officer to scout the area and return any Resistance members that may be found back here, for interrogation.”

“I… I’m not sure she’s ready.”

“I’m ready, Commander. Your training has been quite successful. I believe I’ve become quite proficient at accessing the Force to help me do what must be done. I’ve become better at using a blaster, as well.” I approached him, looking around the room to all the eyes staring at us, and whispered to him just loud enough that the officers in the room could hear, “Besides, between you and I, this is a waste of both of our time. It’ll be better this way.”

I was secretly thrilled that I’d have this opportunity to show him that I could do what he asked of me, that I was worthy of being called his apprentice. It was a chance to gain his trust so that he would be less likely to believe that I had anything to do with the Resistance having information on Starkiller Base. If I could aid with the execution of a few Resistance members on this day, it would help this all become a little bit more believable.

I felt a twinge in my chest at the thought of being responsible for more deaths, but at least this time my main goal is just to bring them to the base. I didn’t have to kill them myself. That thought brought a bit of relief to me, but the pang of guilt still sat heavy in my diaphragm.

“I suppose you’re correct,” he said more calmly, I suppose realizing that it was the better idea. “Which officer will be attending this mission with my apprentice?”

“Officer Nikolai shall be escorting your apprentice through the city. He graduated the Imperial Academy rather high in his class and is an expert with a blaster pistol. He has already been debriefed and is currently preparing a speeder.”

Ren turned to me and nodded.

“I will meet you back here in that case, Apprentice. Good luck on your mission.”

“Unnecessary, Commander.” I smiled slyly as repeating his words back at him. He shook his head now, turning back to the map of the city.

“If we uncover anything from any other patrolling troopers, we will relay it to you over comm-link,” the officer in charge explained as she approached me. “I will lead you downstairs.”

“Thank you, officer.”


	8. Chapter 8

She led me downstairs, outside of the building and up to the edge of the base where an officer wearing clothes that looked a little more civilian had indeed prepared a speeder to take us to the sector.

“Commander Kylo Ren has decided that you will investigate sector D11,” the officer who escorted me explained to him.

Officer Nikolai wasn’t what I had expected. His face was young and boyish, and his eyes looked bored.

“D11, then. Will do,” he said with a lazy salute in her direction. She saluted back and then turned to leave.

I tried to make eye contact with Officer Nikolai to greet him, but he hopped in the speeder and faced forward. 

“Hop in, Apprentice.”

A little confused about his demeanor, I took the passenger seat and we exited the lot, weaving through the city traffic. It wasn’t too busy for a city, but there were some other speeders around.

“The other officer tells me you graduated quite high in your class,” I commented, not even really knowing what that means.

“Yeah, I did alright.” He took a quick glance at me, then returned his gaze forwards. I wondered if he was being cold because of my past with the Resistance, or perhaps he was irritated at being sent on this mission. “They didn’t give you any civilian clothes?” he asked.

“They wanted to rush me out of there, I suppose. Have you been on many missions like this one?” I asked him.

“A few.”

He didn’t say anything else after that, seeming to not want to talk. I decided to watch the storefronts go by instead. Much of the city maintained the aesthetic of light grey walls and red banners, until we reached district D11. You could tell its infrastructure hadn’t been kept up as well as the rest of the city, but there were still corner shops, bars, and even some cafes here and there. There were just as many boarded up windows and doors though, with metallic window covers up permanently in some cases.

“Why this district, anyways? Most of the rebel scum we’ve been finding were in commercial districts.”

“I figured this place had the best of both worlds. If you want to remove all the Resistance members from Vardos, here will be a good place to start. If we find any, which I have a good feeling we will, you can question them about where the rest are and then you will be able to handle them yourselves. Commander Ren and I have more important things to tend to, after all.” I wasn’t sure if that was true at all, perhaps this really was the only thing we needed to do right now, but it certainly sounded like this mission was something they could have done without us. Hell, they didn’t even need Ren here.

“Alright, makes sense.”

“How do you recommend scouting the area?”

“We’ll make a loop around to get a feel for things, if anything looks suspicious, we’ll hang around and act casual. If things start looking dicey, have your pistol ready,” he warned. I felt the holster at my side and the handle of the pistol, which I had been given by the other officer on our way out of the building, sticking out of it.

We parked in a nearby lot and began making a round of the district. Nikolai’s clothes seemed to fit in with this part of the city quite well. He had come prepared. Wearing such dark clothes and my scarf, I looked battle ready in comparison to the people we passed. I didn’t stand out as much as Ren would have, but still more than Nikolai.

We garnered a few odd looks as we passed by groups standing on street corners to chat, as well as some stray animals wandering the sidewalks, and storefronts which were a mix of closed down bars and seedy looking hang-outs. We walked quite a few blocks but, when everything looked sketchy, it was hard to know what was normal and what was actually suspicious.

“Aren’t you supposed to be able to use the Force to sense things?” he asked us as we rounded another corner, sounding agitated that we hadn’t found anything yet.

“Well, I’m trying,” I explained, a tinge of annoyance coming through.

I tried to focus just a little bit more instead of looking around now. What would Kylo Ren say? Feel it all, but with anger… or something. Follow my feelings, follow my feelings…

I walked us farther up the block until I found myself wanting to stop in front of a seedy-looking bar.

“Here. Are you happy now?” I asked aloud.

“Yes, actually,” he huffed, pushing past me to enter the place. I sighed before I followed him in, looking around the surprisingly busy room. There were people standing and sitting all over the place. “I’ll go this way, you check out the bar. Keep an ear out.”

He headed towards a few groups at tables, gambling on games of sabacc and dejarik. I took a seat at the bar and decided to order a drink for myself. Why not? When’s the next time I’d get an opportunity?

When my drink arrived, I sat back against the bar to take in the room as I sipped it. Everyone seemed pretty involved in their little groups to chat with only a couple people that were solo, and they seemed too inebriated to do much of anything anyways.

One man stopped by, trying to sell some junk which I had to decline. Another came by asking if I was for sale, which I also had to decline. I scanned both of them for symbols of the Resistance, but neither of them seemed to show any on their clothes.

Nikolai had taken to watching the dejarik and had begun playfully coaching one of the players. I don’t think the player appreciated his unsolicited advice, but Nikolai didn’t move from his side. I observed some of the other tables until I noticed one where the men seemed to be arguing. I ordered a second drink before wandering over, pretending to be interested in the sabacc while my ear was listening to their conversation.

“Come on, last time it was 600 credits for the same supplies.”

“The prices went up, I can’t control that!”

“Yeah right, you’re trying to sneak a quick profit off of this. It’s for the Resistance! You want the First Order to leave Vardos, right?” he whispered rather loudly.

“Don’t act like you can promise that when you can’t. I just want to sell and be done with it. I don’t even want to be involved in this war.”

“But you want freedom for your planet, right? Only the Resistance can promise you that, but we need help first.”

Caught red-handed. I felt a smile pull on my face.

I looked over at Nikolai waiting for him to notice me trying to get his attention and, when he did after a few seconds, I nudged my head in the direction of the table. He nodded, said one last thing to the player and then walked over to me. He took a spot, standing the same way I was facing and pretended to be interested in the sabacc game as well.

“Right behind us?” he whispered.

“Yes. They’re trying to plan an exchange of credits for supplies for the Resistance. I heard them.”

“Fantastic. Now we can get back to the base.”

I pulled my hood up, hoping it helped me seem more menacing, while he pulled a pistol out of his jacket and pointed it directly at the table. I followed a second later, pulling my own pistol out and aiming in their direction as well.

“You’re both under arrest for committing treason against the First Order.”

A couple others around noticed and quieted down to observe what was going down. The two men at the table slowly put their hands in the air, seeming to admit they had been caught.

“How did you find us?” the man who was with the Resistance asked.

“We’ve got the Force on our side,” Nikolai said with a laugh, reaching over to check their sides for weapons while I maintained aim on them.

“That’s not… how it works,” I muttered.

He pulled a blaster pistol from the man who was the supplier and handed it to me, but as he was examining the Resistance man, the supplier shoved him into the table.

“Hey, hey!” I yelled, observing him fighting his way from the situation. I fired off a shot from my pistol towards his feet, but as he was scrambling away when I fired, I just missed him. I felt relief instead of disappointment.

Now the whole bar was watching wide-eyed as the scene played out, and began taking cover behind the bar and behind tables. The man was making a break for the door. I turned around and fired off a few more shots which all missed. I had a couple seconds left to take a shot that counted before he could escape. I had to stop wildly firing off shots and do what I had trained to do.

I allowed my hand to move by feel, until my arm intuitively stopped. I took the shot immediately and, just as I had pictured in my mind, the blaster grazed his ankle, forcing him to fall to one knee with a heavy grunt while he was halfway out the door.

I turned back to Nikolai to see if he had the other man under control, but the Resistance man didn’t seem to have much fight in him. He must have been like I was, purely working with supplies and not knowing how to fight. He just sat there in shock, staring at the supplier. Nikolai had also observed the whole thing and nodded at me.

“Good shot,” he commented before going back to getting the Resistance man out of the booth to shackle him.

I put the pistol away and began making my way over to the supplier, seeing all the heads from the other customers peeking out from behind objects.

“First Order business, go back to your drinks,” I said, gesturing to indicate that they could come out of hiding.

I helped the supplier to his feet, then waited for Nikolai to make his way over and shackle him as well.

We returned to the base with the men in the back of the speeder. I sent a message to Ren over the comm-link to let him know we were on our way, and the officer who debriefed us met us out in front.

They were moved immediately to rooms for interrogation, which I stood outside of listening to Kylo Ren growling and yelling, and the screams from his mind-reading torture. I thought back to when it was me in the chair. What a strange turn of events for me to be on this side of the door.

When he finally exited the room after interrogating the supplier, I stood up straight from where I had been leaning against the wall to greet him. I caught a glimpse behind him to see that Ren had begun the executions early, as the man’s head was a few feet away from his body on the ground.

I felt my breathing grow heavy as Ren marched past me and I shuffled to follow behind him. We arrived in the debriefing room where the other officers had been sitting around chatting. They all sat straight in their seats as we arrived and made our way to the front of the room.

“Tell us what you’ve learned, Commander.”

Ren looked around the room, his shoulders heaving and his breaths heavy as well, only for him it was from anger.

“The Resistance man claims to know nothing about Skywalker, nor to know that the Resistance are seeking him. It’s a clear lie. The supplier knows nothing of Resistance presence on Vardos aside from this man.”

“We will deal with them from here on. Thank you, commander. What are their current states?”

“The Resistance man is in a state of shock, but will be able to provide you with information with further interrogation. The traitor has been executed.”

The officer swallowed hard, looking down at the table for a moment before gathering her thoughts and turning back up to Ren.

“We were supposed to hold off on the executions for a while to see if they’d crack over time, Commander. Those were our orders.”

“Those are not my orders,” he fumed, slamming his hands down onto the table. I jumped in my skin at the sound, and watched wide-eyed to see what he would do next.

The officer jumped back in her seat as well, before looking up at him.

“We should leave, Commander. General Hux will want to know what we’ve found here,” I jumped in, in an attempt to calm him down.

His shoulders stopped heaving so heavily for a moment before they slowed down.

“You are correct, Apprentice. We must return to the Finalizer. Good day, officers.”

“And to you, Commander.” She seemed thankful to watch us leave

Kylo Ren and I marched back to the ship, passing by marching stormtroopers and officers going in every which direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized when I replayed Battlefront II, after this chapter was already written, that I'd misrepresented Vardos during the First Order's reign, so I'll have to apologize to those who are bothered by things like that.
> 
> I figured most people probably wouldn't mind :D


	9. Chapter 9

When we boarded, 9B greeted us. Ren ignored him and entered the cockpit, starting up the ship, leaving 9B to just bleep sadly at me.

“Don’t worry, 9B. He’ll come around. I have a plan,” I smiled at the little droid.

I entered the cockpit, but instead of sitting, I faced Kylo Ren in his seat as he was pushing buttons and flipping switches. He did a double take when he noticed me standing up.

“What is it?” he still sounded agitated from earlier.

“I picked up a little something on Vardos,” I said, a glint of mischievousness in my voice.

He turned back down to his controls to begin the take-off sequence, but was clearly still tense.

“What did you pick up on Vardos?” he growled.

I sang a little intro tune as I pulled a small bottle of liquor from one of my pouches, then held my other hand towards it to showcase it.

He looked back up, shook his head and then returned to his controls.

“Sit,” he commanded. I did so because I didn’t fancy getting knocked over in the turbulence of take off.

I buckled myself in and took a swig from the bottle as we left the atmosphere and shifted into hyperspeed. Then, I held out the bottle towards him as I faced the windshield, feeling my head get woozy from my empty stomach mixed with the turbulence.

“No, thank you,” he replied simply. “And you’re lucky I’m not tossing it into the garbage chute.”

“Come on, just put the ship on autopilot,” I encouraged, taking another swig.

“The Jedi don’t drink.”

“But you’re not a Jedi, nor am I.”

“But I was trained as a Jedi, and now I am training you in the methods I know.”

I looked over to him skeptically, knowing he didn’t care about any of that stuff in the past.

“It’ll alter your ability to use the Force,” he explained.

“Yeah, but only for a little while, right? Have you ever even tried it?”

“Well, I…” He met eyes with me now, which I could feel from behind the coldness of his helmet. I was pleasantly surprised when he then turned on autopilot and leaned back in his seat, comfortably leaning his shoulders back into it. “You’re aware that I was trained under Skywalker, yes?”

“Yes, of course. Even the Resistance knows about that.”

“There was one night where, after returning from a holiday, one of the other students… brought back some liquor.”

“And?”

“And we all gathered in her tent that night to partake in it.”

“And?”

“And it tasted the way Wookiee smells,” he quipped.

“Oh, I see. We got jokes now,” I giggled, my head spinning a bit. I was already at that early stage of drunkenness where speaking came easily. The empty stomach didn’t help.

So, he could be a joker when he wanted. I still couldn’t help but think back to the sight of the traitor’s head from earlier, how it looked after it had rolled on the ground away from his body.

“How do you do it, Ren? Remain so cold when you need to be?”

He thought for a moment, his helmet angled down towards his hands which were clasped lazily over his stomach.

“I guess it’s just… training, and having a loyalty to fulfill. Being strong with the dark side.” He observed as I took another swig. “Not feeling their pain helps.”

“How do you not feel it though? You’ve closed yourself off from them, and do you think you’ve done it on purpose? Feeling pain seems like an ability that a Jedi would value. Closing yourself off seems more like a Sith ability.”

“Likely, I have. It helps me do what the Supreme Leader demands of me. Not that I should be having sympathy for any rebel scum, and I don’t have any! However, I tend not to concern myself with it. As long as it works and I can do what the Supreme Leader asks of me.”

I nodded, taking another small sip as I watched him observing the universe flying past us through the window.

“I am surprised you and the Resistance know that I was trained by Skywalker,” he admitted.

“We hear stories. They say you betrayed him, murdered some of his students and convinced the rest to join you and become the Knights.”

He tapped his fingers against himself for a moment before answering.

“He betrayed me before I ever betrayed him.” He sounded thoughtful, as though remembering how it happened.

“How’s that?” I asked, curiously, gulping down another burning ounce of the stuff.

“He always said I was easily seduced by the dark side, that he could sense it within me. He really didn’t seem hopeful for me. But I was a teenager, essentially a child. I was too busy trying to understand something so much bigger than myself.”

I didn’t know if he was referring to the Force or the war, but I nodded along as he spoke. It was interesting to hear his side of this story since I’d never have been able to think of Skywalker as anything but a wise leader if it wasn’t for this moment. I’d only listened to the Resistance version of the stories before. It sounds to me like, though Skywalker may have been wise, he may have also been a little paranoid.

“He was trying to raise a new generation of Jedi when he was never trained in that old way. I imagine that must have been hard on him.”

“Perhaps. But is that a good reason to enter your padawan’s hut in the middle of the night and stand over him with your lightsaber, preparing to commit an assassination?”

I froze now. How could I respond to that? It sure didn’t sound good for Master Skywalker’s case.

“I suppose, you know, with his father being Darth Vader… that must have really fucked him up inside,” I slurred a bit whilst trying to defend him.

“I suppose so,” he chuckled. Even though his voice modulator was on, I could tell the laugh was hearty and honest. I didn’t understand what was funny, but his laugh was so nice to hear that I couldn’t care.

What was wrong with me? Even after witnessing all this murder, pure cold-blooded, anger-fueled murders, on the battlefield and in the interrogation room back there, I was able to push it all aside and feel this way. This cognitive dissonance seemed unhealthy, given the context. It couldn’t be helped though. I really enjoyed speaking to him in private, away from the war and the missions and the fighting. But he wasn’t a different person here, with just the two of us aboard his ship. He was still the same monster, the same villain. I couldn’t allow myself to feel this way about him and just ignore that he was vile and wicked.

But now, with my mind all mushy from the liquor, I was having an unintentional side effect: desiring affection. I probably just wanted someone to hold. That’s what it must have been. It wasn’t that I had feelings for him, it was that I had feelings. Period. That seemed to make the most sense.

“You have a cute laugh,” my mouth spoke while my brain was still arguing with itself. I instantly wanted to slap myself in the face.

“And that is my sign that you should get some sleep,” he said, sitting up in his seat. “Go take my bed,” he suggested, waving his hand towards the door of the cockpit, ready to take the ship off autopilot.

I sighed heavily, not really wanting to sleep, but some primal part of me realizing I could probably use it. I stood up and my knees wobbled, prompting me to lean into the co-pilot seat.

“Could I get some help?” I whined childishly, feeling the wooziness as I watched the room spin.

Now he sighed, standing up from his seat and approaching to help me make the small trip to his sleeping quarters.

I had both my arms around him, and he had one arm around my upper back as he led me over to his bed and helped me lay down. This time, he pulled the soft blankets back to let me get comfortable in between the sheets. At some point, I realized I had been singing a simple little tune to myself the entire time.

As he helped me with the blankets, I found my hand lingering on his upper arm. He placed the sheets over me, seeming to ignore my persistent touch. It was only when I began to trace my finger up his bicep to his shoulder, feeling the thick material of his tunic as I did, that he froze. Under the fabric, his shoulder felt strong and firm, a build created by years of training and fighting in this war.

He didn’t seem to know how to respond to my touches, but he didn’t pull away either. His helmet just gave a blank stare instead, making him look even more frozen in thought than his body implied.

I traced my way delicately up his neck to cradle his helmet and felt him tense up as I did. In my hazy mind, I had to wonder if I’d ever see who lay beneath it. I knew that if it ever were to happen, he wouldn’t want me to remove the helmet from him. He would want to be in charge of the situation.

I curiously dragged my finger back down his arm once more, to his gloved hand. Remembering how he had placed his hand upon mine the other day, I began to loosen the glove off his fingers.

“Artie…” he trailed off in a soft murmur.

I managed to get it off his hands as I observed them once more, this time even more closely. His skin was almost as pale as the snow on Hoth, and each knuckle along his finger was slightly red. I was reminded of a peaceful snowbank with streams of angry lava puddling through, hot meets cold. But definitely more cold, I thought, seeing that the red had blue undertones to it, complementing the blue of his veins visible in his skin’s translucence.

I placed the palm of my hand against the palm of his, seeing how large his hands were in comparison to mine. For some reason, I took pleasure in the sight of his large hands, capable but also gentle, overshadowing my own. It helped that his hands were surprisingly smooth. I expected them to feel rugged, or perhaps callused, but thanks to the fact that he was always wearing those gloves, they were not very weathered.

“Artie,” his voice was still gentle.

I clasped my fingers around his hand so that they could entwine in his. He obliged, also folding his fingers over my hand. For a moment, we both observed the embrace, how our hands fit together so well. I gave him a little squeeze, hoping for one in return to know he was still paying attention. Instead, he sighed and turned his gaze away, slowly releasing himself from my gentle grip. His hand was placed back in his lap.

“Artie, stop. You mustn’t do this.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” he exhaled. “I… I can feel everything that you are feeling right now. And I can’t be feeling these things. I shouldn’t. Nor should you.”

I hated this part of this life, the way he kept making me feel like my emotions were to be hidden, or else to be released only as anger. Especially because I could tell what his true feelings were. Somewhere, just below the surface, he had a desire to experience something more than just anger and duty.

“You’re just… you’re just drunk.”

“I mean, yeah. But that doesn’t mean this isn’t… nice. Doesn’t this feel nice to you too?” I wasn’t entirely sure what I was saying anymore. My drunk mind felt too slushy. “I can’t hide from you, can I Kylo?” I mumbled somehow, not even sure what it meant at that point.

He exhaled gently into his voice modulator.

“No. It doesn’t seem you can,” he said, standing up now to leave the opposite truth to hang in the air: even if it hadn’t happened yet, he wouldn’t be able to hide from me either. “You shouldn’t have to, after all. You didn’t ask to be here.” He seemed to be more so thinking to himself rather than speaking to me. I’m sure he wished he wasn’t feeling every powerful emotion I had as much as I was.

“I’ll try and remember you said that next time we’re in training.”

I could practically see him rolling his eyes at me.

“I’ll wake you when we arrive. Get some rest.”

“When do you get to rest?” I called after him, but he hurried out of the room and back to the cockpit.

I shifted comfortably into the pillow, smelling what was left of his intoxicating scent on it as I did, before sleep found me.

At our next training session, Ren seemed to have doubled down on getting me to get in touch with, not just the Force, but the dark side of it.

“I want you to try entering my mind again, but this time, you must want something. You must desire, you must hunt.”

“Are you sure, Commander? I’m sure your mind contains some rather sensitive information.” His mind must have been full of First Order secrets. I thought about whatever he may have discussed with Snoke, and any other information which he may have been hiding from me, First Order plans, other weapons they may have had up their sleeves.

“I have become quite proficient at preventing such information from being pulled from my mind,” he explained, standing up straight and placing his hands behind his back. “Whenever you are ready.”

I inhaled a deep, relaxing breath and then looked into his mask, into the approximate area where his eyes sat. I breathed out.

What am I hunting for? Somewhere in that mind sat the information on Snoke, somewhere else sat more information on him and his life, his true face, his family. His meetings with Snoke were likely harder to find, and it would probably do me better to start off with something easier.

I closed my eyes and held out a hand, reaching out and feeling my surroundings. I felt my way through the empty air between us until I came to his helmet. With the Force, I moved through it like smoke, feeling around his head to his temples. I could have sworn I felt some wavy hair as I found my way. It distracted me for a moment and I sat there for a moment, trying not to lose concentration.

Hopefully he would just think I was struggling to read him.

“Focus, Apprentice. Picture that which you seek.”

Right, I was hunting. I was on the prowl. What did I desire? To run my hands through his wavy hair. No, his past! His past was what I was seeking.

I prodded my way in, entering his mind. I don’t know what I expected to find, but all I could see was blank.

_ You made it,  _ I heard his voice float through the air.  _ But can you find the memory I am allowing you to see? _

I observed the space, perfectly empty, which left me unsure of where to search. How do I hunt now? I walked around it, almost as if it was a physical space, until I found a corridor which had been previously invisible due to the entire space being a blank white.

_ Sometimes, exploration is key when doing this. Some hide better than others, many Resistance members’ minds are wide open, however. You will not have many problems with most of them, _ his voice came through once more.

I returned my focus to the corridor, which was darkened. I stepped through it slowly until, on the other side, I found myself on a rainy planet. It was night time. I turned back to the corridor, only it was gone now. I went back to take in the scenery. There were some huts down the hill, and so I decided to follow it down and explore further.

_ You may have to search for the memory as it occurs. _

I meandered around the huts until I found a group standing in the clearing which made up the center of this apparent village. They were all wearing dark clothes, and masks. They were talking about something, but the conversation sounded muffled, as if by the rain and wind. As I came closer, I noticed that one of the figures was Kylo Ren himself. Once I noticed this, a flash of lightning came down from the sky. Intuitively, I covered my head with my arms and, once it had passed, I lifted my head back up to see that all the huts were now on fire.

I took in the sight of the flames before turning back to the figures, all standing in a circle. Each of them wore a helmet, much like Ren’s, but each had a slightly different design to help tell them apart. They also all wore some combination of robes, heavy jackets and scarves in shades of black and grey, and they each held a different weapon. I was surprised at how few lightsabers were actually present, but perhaps these weapons had been modified in some way to match the deadliness of a lightsaber. Their conversation was still murky sounding however.

I entered the center of their circle, looking around at each of their faces, before approaching Ren’s figure. My presence did not disrupt the scene at all, it simply continued running like a film that I could stand within. I watched Ren’s movements as he turned to the members who were speaking, and then his gestures as he explained something. I was directly in front of him now, only inches away.

This place must have been a Jedi Temple, with huts for students to stay in while they trained. Was this Skywalker’s Temple? They had killed everyone already though, by the time they truly became the Knights, hadn’t they?

I reached up to the memory-Kylo’s helmet with a gentle open hand. I expected my hand to move through him, like a hologram, but I jumped when my hand was indeed stopped by his solid helmet.

I furrowed my brows at this. How could I touch him? This didn’t seem to make sense.

I watched the memory-Kylo freeze for a moment, but who was really freezing? The the memory-projected Kylo Ren, or the Kylo Ren whose mind I was reading? Did the memory have a separate mind?

The memory-Kylo’s arm slowly raised to meet mine, and he gently placed his gloved hand over mine.

“Are you real?” he asked. I answered honestly,

“I… I don’t know.”

I felt his thumb brush over the back of my hand.

_ That’s enough, _ Ren’s voice angrily echoed through the night sky.

Suddenly, my surroundings were covered in a black smoke and began wafting out of my vision. The scene melted away and I was thrown from his mind, landing back into reality so hard that I stumbled back into myself, where I stood.

My eyes shot open to the sight of him, a hand held out towards me from the effort he took to expel me from his memory. I immediately began thinking of excuses.

“I-I’m so sorry, Commander, I took it too far. I-I was just testing the level of reality, I didn’t know-” I began pleading, my throat closed in fear making it hard to get the words out.

“Why are you so dead set on being so… compassionate. It’s weakness, it’s-it’s… it will make you seem vulnerable to your enemies,” he spat. He was yelling now. I hated hearing him yell; it made my chest feel tight and uncomfortable.

“You are not my enemy though, Commander,” I cried through a wobbly voice, the words being choked out softly as I held back tears. The gravity of what I’d done seemed so grand, and yet I had no idea why it made him so mad.

I looked down to my feet in shame. I desperately wanted to change the subject before he could get too hung up on it.

“It didn’t hurt you at all? When I read your mind?”

“Of course not, remember what I told you? It doesn’t have to, and you’re too gentle to do so anyways,” he growled, leaning over me. “You meander, you wander, but you do not hunt. You need to learn how to let your desires lead you.”

“But, I did hunt… “ I started before trying to bring him back once more. “And… and how did you and the Knights have the masks already when you destroyed the Jedi Temple?” Kylo Ren pulled back a few inches. I could feel him examining my face. “Did you go back to the Temple?” I asked.

“Most of it burned down that night Skywalker betrayed me. The Knights and I returned months later when we learned that Skywalker did not die that night, as we’d thought, and burned it all to the ground to make sure he could never return to that temple.” He only sounded angrier, remembering and telling the story.

I thought back on this story as he’d told it to me: Skywalker attempts to murder him, he destroys the huts, then returns later to destroy the Jedi Temple looking for Skywalker. I was certain that, just as the Resistance painted Skywalker as a hero and a wise master, Ren may have twisted the story to how he felt it happened. What he may have changed, I wasn’t sure, but there likely was something.

I felt a twist in my head but no pain, not yet. Just a hold that he had on me. Still though, I found it worrying. I looked back up to him to see him holding his hand out towards me

“Do you see the power you can hold over someone when you aren’t afraid to cause a little pain?”

I wanted to twinge at the feeling, only, I realized I couldn’t move. My limbs were being held in position, surrounded perfectly by the Force. Every contour of my body, held exactly where it was.

“Do you see the control that is yours to exert, if only you could stop being afraid of your anger?”

I could only move my eyes. I wanted to hyperventilate, to the point where now my chest ached, but I couldn’t contract my lungs as I didn’t have the space to expand my stomach or chest. My mind began racing, searching for a way I could get out of this. It was now or never. I had to try something. I began working to enter his mind once more, reaching out into the space of the room, searching for the closest solid thing I could find.

“What are you doing?” he yelled, punctuating his words with a grunt.

And then, I prodded as much as I could, wildly trying to insert all my bodily feelings into his mind, to make sure he could feel everything as I felt it. I tried to feel it all as fully as I could, the burning in my lungs, the tightness in my chest, the fear running through my mind. All just so I could project it to him.

He fell to one knee, a shaky hand still held in the air.

_ Let go, Kylo, _ I projected to him now.  _ Please. _

I watched for a few torturous seconds longer before his quivering hand finally lowered. I stumbled to regain my stance as soon as I was released from him. I was a bit lightheaded from being oxygen-deprived. I clutched at my chest and began taking heavy breaths, trying to get some air back into my body.

Ren was still down on one knee, one hand on the bent leg, and his head bowed down.

“I don’t understand…” he muttered quietly.

As I regained my normal breathing pattern, I felt the blood circulating through me with every hard pump of my heart. The lightheadedness slowly began to vanish.

“Why do you want to hurt me?” I asked him from where I stood bent over myself, holding the bunched up fabric of the chest of my jumpsuit. “You hate the Resistance and the Jedi, I understand that. So why do you hurt me?”

“You are undisciplined, and you don’t seem to understand the seriousness of what we’re doing here,” he growled up at me, finally meeting my gaze.

“I don’t understand, Kylo-”

“We are in training, Apprentice. You will address me as Commander!”

“I’m learning so much, doing better than I ever thought possible! Why isn’t that enough for you? After all these conversations we’ve had, you know that I have no desire to cause any uproar or uprising here! Why are you still hell-bent on submitting me to these tests, these-these… this abuse,” I cried out the last words, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. I wiped it away immediately, embarrassed that he had absolutely seen it.

“Because, if I don’t, Snoke will know!” I think that was the first time I’d heard him refer to Snoke without calling him Supreme Leader. “He will know that I am failing my mission. He will know that your abilities can apparently override mine, that our emotions are becoming more and more entwined together and confused. He will know that your powers are all it takes to distract me, and if I am distracted, Snoke thinks I could be turned. And I will not be turned, and I do not wish to be turned!”

“My goal isn’t to pull you away from the First Order, Ren.” Out of nowhere, I heard Ursa’s voice in my head crying,

_ Liar! Traitor, and a liar! You would love to turn him, and if you found a way to do it, you would. _

“Of course it is! Why else would you continue being so kind, so pitifully amiable and sympathetic!”

_ He’ll never fall for your tricks, Artie. Or should I say, Apprentice. Give in, tell him how you feel about this! Show him your anger! _

There was an anger bubbling up inside me, but was it mine or his? I ignored Ursa’s voice, considering his words instead. Why would I be so kind when he was so awful? I guess it was in my emotional programming from how I grew up. It was a part of me, and he wanted to remove it like a tumor. And the dreadful thought that he wanted to remove such an integral part of me, that was where my true anger laid.

I felt my fists clench into themselves as I looked up to face him.

“Maybe Snoke wants to control you, Kylo, but I don’t! Okay? I don’t.” I walked away for a second to face the wall in thought before pacing back around to him again. “And I might be the only one on this ship, the only one in this whole damn Order, who sees you as something more than just a weapon! Not because it benefits me, because trust me, it doesn’t. The psychological impact that this is having on me is… well, you’ve experienced a small sample of the emotions involved there. Oh no, no. I do it because it’s what I feel, Kylo.” I placed a hand over my chest as I said it, wanting him to see physically where it hurt. “As much as I hate it, I can feel every bit of humanity that’s left inside you: the man in the monster’s belly. That’s the real you, and you want to cut yourself off from him. And you have. And now you want me to put myself in the belly of a beast, and I won’t do it and that upsets you.”

Kylo Ren stood up now, maintaining our eye contact. I could see his shoulders heaving a bit with some kind of emotion, whether it was a kind of melancholy or anger was hard to tell.

“I still don’t understand. Every time I push you away, you return with… affection, and understanding. Why aren’t you angry with me? Why don’t you desire to retaliate more? Even now, you show a passion I have yet to witness in you.”

“That’s the difference between you and I, Ren,” I said, backing away towards the exit of the training room. “I don’t get angry in order to destroy the things that I hate; I do it to protect the things I care for.”

This time,  _ I _ was the one to storm out of the room with  _ my _ scarf flailing behind me as I marched away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes Artie kinda paraphrased Rose's really corny line from TLJ, don't @ me!


	10. Chapter 10

A few days after the emotionally charged spat we’d had in the training room, we were forced to share a ship for a few hours once more. This time, I avoided the cockpit. Instead, I settled comfortably into the living quarters to watch the stars zoom by the window. He hadn’t told me where we were going, just that it was important for our future training. He had to tell me over the comm-link as I had been giving him quite the cold shoulder in-person.

I wasn’t sure where I stood with him now. I wasn’t sure whether I should expect furious, hot-headed Commander Kylo Ren or soft-spoken, stoic Kylo. I knew I’d have to speak with him at some point, I just hoped it wouldn’t be so soon.

“Apprentice?” his voice called over the comm-link.

I sighed before picking it up and closing my eyes, hoping it would take some of the sting of interaction out of the moment. I prepared to speak into it, but my voice didn’t want to speak.

“Y-” the word prodded in my throat before stopping.

“Please, come to the cockpit. There is a matter we must discuss before we land.”

As soon as he said it, we came out of hyperspace. Sighing once more, I replaced the comm-link into my pouch and began leisurely making my way through the room.

9B beeped with a whistle at me as I neared the exit.

“If I don’t return from this planet, I hope your new master lasts longer than I did,” I responded to him.

I entered the cockpit to the sight of a large snow-covered planet in the windshield, only getting larger as we approached it. I wanted to ask him where we were but I didn’t want to speak with him at all. I took my spot in the co-pilot seat and buckled myself in, avoiding even looking at him.

“You were wrong about the Jedi.”

Really? That was the first thing he wanted to say to me? That I was wrong? I started biting my lip, picking at a dry piece of skin between my teeth.

He wanted me to speak, to ask him what he meant by it, but I refused. I just watched as we entered the atmosphere of the planet.

“You said the Jedi would prefer abilities which deal with emotions. I don’t know if you recall, you were inebriated at the time.”

I remembered saying something like it, not really the context though.

“I think you’re wrong about that. I have many books written about the Jedi Council in the days of the Galactic Republic, before the Clone Wars, and everything I’ve read says that the Jedi preferred a sober detachment, a calm aloofness. Attachments were strictly forbidden. You could say they preferred neither emotional extremes. The goal wasn’t empathy, it was an apathetic, dutiful loyalty to the ways of the Force and to defend the Republic.”

What was he trying to say with all this? Was it just a history lesson brought on by my inaccurate depiction of the Jedi? I decided I had to jump in; I really just wanted him to stop talking.

“So what? Maybe the Jedi were assholes. Does it really matter?” I boredly leaned my head against my propped up hand as we dipped below some clouds and found our ship in the middle of a heavy snowstorm.

Once he had found a place to land, he brought us in and we touched down on the soft snow as if it was a large blanket; there was hardly a thump as we hit the ground.

“Wouldn’t you like to know where we are?” he asked, cutting the ship’s engines so that it was now quiet in the cockpit. I watched snow drift by the window in a flurry.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Ilum.”

“Ilum. Wow. That’s great. I have no fucking clue what Ilum is, or where it is.”

He stood up, a blue glow illuminating him from the cool lighting just outside the windshield, and took a few steps over to where I sat. He didn’t get too close, though it was still closer than I wanted him right now.

“Get your gear on. I will explain as we walk.”

I sighed heavily, following him into the loading bay, and we began putting on the layers of robes, which he’d told me to pack for the trip, as well as a heavy overcoat. Once all the buttons and buckles had been done up, I faced the ramp, waiting for him to open it.

“Though you still have far to go with the Force, I believe it may benefit you to take on a new challenge,” he explained as he lowered the ramp. We both walked down it side by side, holding our hoods to cover our faces as soon as the harshness of the snowstorm hit us. The cold stung a little bit as it whipped across my face with the wind. We began heading forwards. When I finally was able to brace myself against the wind to take a glimpse ahead, I saw that we were approaching a giant wall of ice.

“Jedi younglings, padawans, used to be brought here when they were ready.”

“Younglings?” I questioned. “I’m a little old for that, you don’t you think?”

He turned back to me for a second, as if to scold me, but he said nothing and then turned back to our destination. Noticing some stone poking through the snow, he bent over brush it off. Some writing was visible on the tablet.

“I think this is the place,” he called out, stopping in front of the wall. “I’ve read a fair bit about it.”

He held a relaxed hand towards the large ice sheet, and over the next few seconds I watched as his arm tensed up. As he focused on the large frozen chunks of the wall, a crack formed through them.

“A little help, Apprentice?” His straining voice groaned.

I huffed and held out a hand as well, trying to help pull the ice sheet from the wall. It was so thick, and the cold winds had been beating against it for probably at least decades since it was last opened. I had to wonder what this place was. When was the last time someone was here?

I found myself tensing up as well, my hand trembling as I tried to feel the ice sheet, to find its weakest point. Exploring over the smooth surface, I managed to find a few areas which were much thinner than the rest, areas I intuitively knew would crumble under the right kind of pressure. Kylo and I found them almost simultaneously and snapped it, causing the whole structure to crumble down. We both used our robes to cover our faces as the chunks of ice made contact with the snowy ground, causing some of it to fly up into the air. I felt some small icicles fly against my cloak, bouncing off the thick fabric.

Once the debris had cleared, I removed the robe from my face to see a doorway with some rather old-looking carvings, revealed from behind the ice sheet.

“Come. Let’s get out of the snow,” Kylo Ren called, gesturing for me to follow him.

We jogged towards it to get out of the storm.

Once we entered, I pulled my hood off so that I could see my surroundings better, and he did the same as he led me through the hallway. It should have been dark, but instead the hallway was lined with glowing white crystals embedded in the icy and rocky walls, leading the way.

“What is this place, Ren?”

“The Crystal Caves of Ilum.”

“And why are we…” I trailed off as we entered a rather large room, dark once more, with the same crystals glowing throughout it. It helped to display the distinctive shape of the rather high ceilings, as well as some pillars and towering statues which stood in the middle of the room. “...here?” I finished my thought.

The statues were somewhat menacing looking. I almost thought maybe the hooded figures depicted in the rock were meant to be Sith, but I saw no other signs of that being the case.

“Is this a Jedi Temple?” I asked him, looking around the room, finally able to notice that I could see my breath in this frigid air. The walls seemed to have had an intricate architecture with elaborate designs which had long since been covered by more sheets of ice.

The soft glow played on the metal of Ren’s helmet, dancing as he moved his head.

“It was, once.” A couple puffs of steam escaped his helmet as he spoke.

“Are we supposed to be here?”

“Not really. Yet, here we are.”

“Here we are,” I repeated.

I finally noticed another doorway off to the side. Assuming that’s where we were headed next, I turned back to him and noticed he was observing me quite closely.

“Lead the way,” he said, softly.

I nodded as I began walking to the next door. We followed it through some more hallways, mostly icy caves.

“I’m still not sure I understand how this is a challenge. Aren’t we just exploring? What are we looking for? Old artifacts or something?” I hated that I was talking to him again. Every part of my body wanted not to, but the current situation made me curious enough that I had to ask questions. I think he knew it would. Maybe that’s why he brought us here.

“No, not old Jedi artifacts. Something you will find even more interesting.”

I took a turn down some other corridors.

“I think if I knew what I was looking for this might go a bit easier,” I commented. I didn’t hear a reply, and I noticed I could only hear my own footsteps. I stopped and turned back to see that I was alone all of a sudden. “Ren?”

The only sound was the echo of me calling his name.

“Kylo Ren?” I called through the tunnel. It just echoed, bouncing off each turn of the long ice cave.

I released a scared yelp and started a light jog through the tunnel, feeling my heart beat faster as I did. Turning a few more corners, now moving on instinct, I finally found myself in another large room. Even more unusually, I could hear a strange sound, as if someone was singing in a whistling soprano.

The cavern was filled with more glowing lights from the crystals, covering the walls of the room. It looked a bit like the stars in space, speckled up the walls and covering the ceiling.

There was a draft in the room and a breeze blew past my head, drawing my attention to a pedestal at the center of the room. As I began making my way towards it cautiously, I saw that the pedestal was a column surrounded by a huge chasm on all sides. Now that I was close, I could see that whatever was on the pedestal had a glimmer to it. Who even placed it there? I could tell now that the sound was coming from the pedestal.

Once I was at the edge, I looked down. I don’t know what I expected, but it was indeed a large pitfall going down. I couldn’t see the bottom. It was just black.

Sighing, I closed my eyes for a moment. Why was I so drawn to the pedestal anyway? It was as if something was pulling me towards it, luring me in. I took a moment to reach out in semi-meditation and feel the surrounding space. I couldn’t sense Ren around anywhere this deep into the catacombs, at least not as far as I could reach.

My eyes flew open upon the sight of the pedestal in the center of the chasm. I knew that if I used the Force while jumping, I could make the jump, but it terrified me nonetheless. If I didn’t make it, didn’t jump far enough or high enough, I would fall to an untimely death. Untimely? More like belated. I should have been dead weeks ago.

I took a few steps back, enough room to get a good running start, and then inhaled a deep, cool breath. Physically, my body wanted to freeze. I wanted to move on and not worry about whatever may sit upon that pedestal. The Force pulled me forward though. That must be what it was; I had no other explanation. I began a run, course set straight for the column. The heavy overcoat and robes hindered my movements a bit, but as I took off from the ledge, I was propelled forward by more than just the strength of my legs - as I was not actually very strong - or the momentum I had built up, which was not nearly enough to make the jump. Thanks to that extra little boost, it was all just enough.

My body slammed against the pedestal and I grabbed around either side of it with my arms to steady myself. My feet scrambled along the floor of the column as I lowered my torso off the pedestal to stand. Thankfully, I didn’t knock the item off the pedestal which I was now able to see was a small crystal. All this for a rock?

I exhaled heavily through my nose, seeing the steam envelop my face, and then pocketed the crystal and turned back to face the chasm once more. Time to get back. The column didn’t have much standing space on it, which meant I couldn’t get much of a running start. I probably could have made it from a standing jump, but I was anxious about trusting it.

Instead, I began looking around the room for any loose rocks or boulders. I spotted a few points where the ice was rockier and may come loose.

_ Time to lift some fucking rocks, _ I thought to myself. Was there anything more quintessentially symbolic of using the Force than lifting rocks?

I held out a hand, fanning my fingers out, and closed my eyes. I reached outwards with my feelings, sensing my way around the rocks, finding the weak points simultaneously and snapping them, pulling them away from their places on the walls. The stone and ice made a groaning sound as it was released.

The hardest part was over. I reopened my eyes to the large, dark cavern and began placing the rocks in front of me, one by one until they formed a bridge. I could make out the biggest rocks in the light created by the crystals. I began taking careful steps onto the floating rock bridge. Each rock shifted a bit with the weight of my step, but it held its place.

Once on the other side, I let the rocks fall down the pit and heard a series of muffled thumps as they hit the bottom. That was the most difficult thing I had probably done with the Force thus far, but I did it. I accomplished a dangerous task using the power of the Force.

Finally safe once more, I took the crystal out of the pocket of my jacket to examine it. It had a slightly greenish hue to it, though it was mostly translucent, and was pointed at either end, shardlike. I also noticed that the singing sounds had stopped now, however, as I stepped towards the entrance of the cavern, I began to hear a different sound, quieter and muffled. It was a thumping.

I put the crystal back away, figuring I could figure out more about it later, as I investigated the source of the thumping. I moved stealthily through the halls while the thumping grew louder. I also realized I could now hear a voice calling my name.

“Artie!” Thump, thump! “Artie! Are you there?”

I followed the voice until I found an ice barrier, blocking the cave cleanly off. I could vaguely make out a humanoid shape through the distorted ice sheet and approached. He stopped banging on the thick wall as I neared it.

“Artie, is that you?”

“Kylo! Oh, thank goodness.”

I stepped towards the ice sheet and laid my gloved hand against it.

“It’s pretty thick. Think we can find the weak spot again?” I asked him.

“It’s worth trying.” He laid his hand against the other side of the sheet and we began feeling for its weakest point.

I was a bit annoyed with myself, turning back to him and being thankful for his presence. What other choice did I have, I supposed.

While I was searching, I could have sworn I heard something from behind me. I thought it was likely just an echo, until I suddenly realized I could feel hot breath moving down my spine.

“Ren, you’re not using the Force anywhere but on the ice sheet right now, are you?” I called to him.

“No. Why do you ask?”

I turned around slowly to find myself face-to-face, quite literally only inches away, with a rather large hairy beast. His fur was white, framing the tall hulking frame, and it had grey tusks protruding from either side of its mouth. Its dark beady eyes were focused on me as it sniffed my torso.

“Friendly?” I asked, cautiously. Suddenly it roared, unleashing hot smelly breath over my face, and pulled an arm back. “Not friendly!” I called out, making sure Kylo could hear me.

I ducked down, avoiding the strong paw as it swung for the ice. The impact was strong enough that the ice cracked on the spot.

“Artie! What’s going on over there?”

“There’s a monster in here!” I called out to him as the creature took another swing, down low this time, which I jumped over before pulling out my blaster pistol.

“What kind of monster?” he asked aloud.

Another swipe from his claw scratched up the ice barrier again as I tried to get a shot at his head.

“I don’t know, the big hairy kind!”

“Stand back from the wall!” he called out now.

I ducked another attack and jogged away from the beast. The other side of the ice wall lit up red as the sound of his lightsaber coming to life was heard. Sparks flew as Kylo stabbed his lightsaber through the ice sheet. The ice began melting immediately at the touch of the hot blade and I realized that he was trying to carve a hole in the wall.

I fired off a few more shots at the beast and one of them managed to hit its eye. It cried loudly and began pawing at the air, landing a swipe which scratched up my arm, causing me to screech and drop my blaster. I backed away from it as it continued waving its limbs wildly, hoping to land a hit through the pain.

“Any time now, Ren!” I glanced over to see that he had carved a full doorway into the sheet and was now shoving the piece of ice out of the hole to make a space for me to escape.

The monster roared once more and began running towards me after hearing my voice.

“Shit,” I cried aloud, jumping out of the way. I held a hand out to Force pull the blaster back to me, grabbed it in my fist, and then backed up until I felt my body hit the ice sheet. The circular hole finally popped out of the wall beside me and Ren popped his head through to see had been going on over here.

“Is that a wampa?” he asked.

“Just run!”

I turned the corner from where I stood, stepping through the hole, and grabbed his hand to tug him along for a few meters before we were both on the run. The creature, having heard the commotion, began following after us. With all the robes we were wearing, it took us too long to gain any momentum and the beast caught up to us quickly, tackling between us and throwing us to either wall of the cave.

When my back slammed against the hard ice wall, the air was knocked out of my lungs and my spine felt like it cracked. I slumped to the ground, holding my side. Ren scrambled to his feet and tried to come help me up, but the wampa turned around and charged once more, knocking him to the floor.

I tried to get up to my feet, my legs feeling a bit weak, but I managed to stand up and point my blaster pistol at it once more. I took the extra second to let the Force guide my shot. As soon as the monster turned around, I fired off a shot which landed in its other eye. The beast cried out in pain, falling to its knees.

Kylo finally managed to get to his feet, then, relighting his lightsaber once more, took a running charge and jumped onto the monster’s back. He lifted the blade up with both arms and then shoved his lightsaber directly through its torso, approximately where its heart should be. With a last heave and a cry, it collapsed onto the floor with a loud thud.

He turned to glance over at me from where he stood atop the beast, chest and shoulders heaving with each breath of his, the sounds of his heavy exhales coming through his voice modulator with a wisp of steam following.

“Are you alright?” he asked, as he pulled his lightsaber from the body. Now that I had a better look, I could see that the blade, as well as the vents to either side of it looked unstable and fiery - a bit like him, I supposed.

“I think so. My arm’s a bit scratched up, and I hit my back pretty hard, but I’ll live.” I examined my body seeing the rather shallow scratches along my dominant arm. Maybe once the adrenaline wore off, I would feel it more. Right now, all I could feel was my blood coursing through my veins and the pumping of my heart.

Ren hopped off the body and took a few steps towards me, shutting the saber off.

“And you think I’m a monster,” he chortled when suddenly his knee gave out beneath him and he fell into a kneel.

“Shit, are you okay?” I asked, making my way over to his body and taking his arm over my shoulder to help him up. I looked down over his body and saw that the beast had scratched up his leg when he knocked him over, leaving three long gashes.

“I’m fine,” he said, pulling away from my body and taking a few more wobbly steps forwards. I approached him from behind and took his arm, placing it over my shoulder once more.

“I’m sure you are, but isn’t this so much easier?” I chuckled, carrying us a few steps forward. He was heavy for me, but the adrenaline still making its way through me helped. “Wow, we just fought a... what did you call it?”

“A wampa. I know they are native to Hoth, but I didn’t think we would find one all the way out here, on Ilum.”

We made our way back down the cave system until we reached the room with the statues once more.

“How did we get separated?” I questioned him, still confused as to what had happened back there. “I turned around at one point and you had vanished.”

“The ice wall came from nowhere. I had paused to observe an engraving on the walls and when I turned back, the wall was there. This Temple is alive with the Force. It is constantly changing and altering itself.”

“I see. This place is so strange.”

“Did you find anything in the cave?” Ren asked me now.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did,” I said, slowly remembering my short solo venture. I pulled the crystal from my jacket pocket and showed it to Ren.

“Green,” he observed, releasing a delighted laugh. It was always odd to hear him laugh, simultaneously holding a joyful tone and dark timbre to it.

“What does it mean?” I asked him, pocketing it once more as we made our way to the exit.

“It’s a kyber crystal. They can be used to build many things. I thought you may want to use it to build a lightsaber.”

Lightsaber? I was getting a lightsaber? This whole trip was so that I could pick out a crystal and create a lightsaber? I thought we were just on another mission for Supreme Leader Snoke, not a mission to get me a kyber crystal to make a lightsaber.

“Won’t the Supreme Leader be upset when his apprentice’s apprentice returns with a green lightsaber instead of red?”

“You can always bleed the crystal later, if you wish,” he explained. I had no idea what that meant.

Ren’s breathing was still very staggered and heavy, coming through his helmet in distorted gasps.

“Don’t you wanna take this thing off? Can you even breathe?” I asked him, returning to the moment. We finally exited the cavern back into the snowstorm outside.

“Back on the ship,” he suggested. I nodded as I pulled my hood over to protect me from the snow.


	11. Chapter 11

When we arrived on the ship, 9B greeted us in the loading dock.

“Hey 9B, could you grab the med kit?” I asked him. He rolled back into the living quarters as Ren pulled away from me to lean against the wall where the coat racks were. I took my overcoat off and watched as Ren removed some of his layers of robes until he was left just in his everyday tunic.

Then, I watched intently as he unlatched his helmet and lifted it off him, a head full of dark wavy hair falling out. The hair I had sensed back in our last training session, I realized. It was as if the world stopped for a moment so that I could experience this as fully as I wanted.

Instead of experiencing it all, I bashfully turned my head to the ground as I removed the excess robes from my body. I felt nervous all of a sudden. What if I wasn’t ready to see his face? What if he was ugly? On the other hand, what if he was absolutely gorgeous? I think that would be worse, to be honest.

“You fought well today, Apprentice. You acted on instinct, you were able to land some great shots with your blaster. You fought with relative ease today, compared to your previous attempts.”

I hung the robes in the closet and patted them down to remove any unwanted folds from, then glanced over at him once more, seeing that he was holding his helmet so that it faced towards himself, wiping droplets of snow off of it. I turned back to my robes.

“Thank you, Commander. It’s all thanks to your training.” I took a deep breath, spending an extra few seconds to transfer the crystal from the jacket pocket to a pouch on my armour. Anything to avoid meeting eyes with Ren for a few seconds longer. “It seems that being put under pressure helped me act, in this case.”

When I turned around, I saw that he had stumbled his way into the cockpit.

“Kylo! Are you alright to fly?” I asked, hurrying over to the doorway only to end up watching as the ship rose into the air, away from Ilum’s surface.

I ended up holding on to the back of the co-pilot chair as the turbulence of moving through the atmosphere rumbled through the ship. He moved us into hyperspace as quickly as possible before relaxing into his seat. I let go of the co-pilot chair and straightened out my jumpsuit before stepping around the seat. Ren was in no position to fly, and I was the only one who could get him to hopefully take a break before we needed to land.

The adrenaline was wearing off now, I could feel the soreness in my back from being slammed against the ice walls, and a stinging on my arms from where the wampa had scratched me up with its claws. I could use a break myself, I realized.

Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the space in between the two chairs and forced myself to glance over at him, at least for a moment. I froze with my mouth slightly agape as I took in his features. I really don’t know what I expected.

The first thing I noticed was that he had the same winter pale skin that I had seen on his hands. With how often he wore his helmet, I had to wonder when was the last time he’d felt the sun on his skin. Next, my eyes were drawn to his eyes, large and brown. They weren’t at all the eyes I would have pictured for him. They had a puppy dog quality to them as he looked up at me; they were surprisingly boyish and innocuous, a glint of curiosity sitting in them. He even looked kind of... scared, oddly enough. My gaze then followed down his long nose until it reached a pair of surprisingly thick pink lips, slightly parted as he waited for a response from me.

I had to stop myself from taking him in for a moment; I turned back to the windshield to observe the blue and white lights flying by us.

“You should go lie down, Commander,” I told him, matter-of-factly. I pulled my gloves off my hands and tossed them onto the co-pilot’s seat, followed by my scarf.

“I wasn’t sure I ever wanted you to see me,” Ren admitted.

I closed my eyes, turning back towards him before opening them again. This was really him, the real Kylo Ren. I felt strange observing his face, like I was supposed to know who he was. What did that even mean? I knew who he was. He was Kylo Ren, Commander in the First Order, apprentice to Snoke, betrayer and killer of the new order of Jedi. Why did I feel like there was something else?

He was still looking up at me now, probably feeling everything running through my mind.

“Are you… disappointed?”

“D-Disappointed?” I repeated, curiously. A moment passed before I realized he meant about his appearance. “Oh, no! No, not… no. Not at all. I just think… you really should lie down in your room to rest for a while.”

“I don’t need to, I’ve been through worse.”

“That doesn’t mean a rest wouldn’t be good. 9B is grabbing the medkit and I was trained on first aid when I was a Resistance captain; I could stitch up the gashes on your leg,” I explained. “Wouldn’t it be nice to walk off this ship instead of being picked up by a gurney?”

He sighed heavily before hitting the autopilot.

“I suppose it would.”

I approached him and held out a hand to help him up. He looked from my hand to my face before taking it. I continued to watch him intently as I pulled his arm over my shoulder, curiously taking in the expressions he made as he shifted his weight to lean on me. There was a moment where his brow furrowed and his lips pursed together when he must have been feeling out the leg, and then his face softened as he leaned into me. His weight on my shoulders was somewhat comforting.

I still couldn’t shake the strange feeling I had about him as I helped him limp over to his room. It was a peculiar little vibe, but I couldn’t figure out what it was about.

9B had been waiting in the loading dock, dragging the medkit behind him on a string.

“I won’t ask how you did that, 9B. Bring the kit into the bedroom,” I told him.

The little droid rolled in behind our boots, following my sturdy walk and Ren’s weak, wobbly one.

I helped him onto his bed and he sat up with his back against the pillow. I took a seat on the edge now, reversing the roles from the last few times we’d done this. I picked up the medkit and then sent 9B off.

“Go watch our course and tell us when we’re close to the Finalizer.” The little droid nodded with a whistle and rolled off, the sliding door closing behind him.

I opened up the medkit and began searching for a stitching tool as Ren began pulling his gloves off. He tossed them across the room and they landed on the desk, distracting me for a moment.  _ Say something _ , I thought to myself, wanting to make sure this wasn’t too awkward.

“So, how do you make a lightsaber from a kyber crystal anyway?” I asked him, finding the small tool and removing it from the kit.

“I can lend you some books on it. I’ll see if I can have some parts imported as well,” he explained as he pulled off his boots, tossing them off the side of the bed.

“Wow. That’s awful kind of you,” I said, observing the injury from what I could see through the scratches in his pants. 

“I want my apprentice to learn to use a lightsaber at some point-”

“I think you’ll need to remove your pants.” I was only thinking aloud, but I felt my cheeks go hot as I said it, slowly coming to the realization that I’d spoken.

I let my eyes trail up his body until I met his gaze. His cheeks were pink, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of what I’d said or because of the pain he was in. He was sitting somewhat uncomfortably, with his shoulders at different angles as he had one hand on the bed and the other on the thigh of his injured leg.

“To get to the wound,” I clarified, looking back down at it now. The scratches weren’t really bleeding; they were a bit deep, but were clean otherwise. All that could get into it was snow or ice, after all.

“Right, um,” he said looking down at himself.

“I’ll turn away for a moment.”

I took my leg which was leaning onto the bed and placed it back on the ground, to face my body towards the rest of his room, and I felt the bed bounce a little bit as he began messing with his belt and getting undressed. I let my eyes gently close and took a deep breath. What the hell was I doing?

“Alright,” he said. His pants were tossed off the bed right beside where I sat.

I turned back to face him once more. His arms were crossed over the thick material of his tunic, which just grazed the tops of his pale, muscular thighs. His legs were laying straight across the blankets, reaching to the other side of the bed behind me.

Bringing my leg back up onto the bed, I prepared myself to begin stitching. I looked up at him to see he was watching me so intently, observing my every movement.

“A-Are you ready? It might hurt a bit,” I explained. As I watched his expression change from its intense focus, his brows unfurrowing as I spoke.

I could feel the strange feeling again. There was something… something I was supposed to say perhaps? Or know? Or think?

He nodded at me to go ahead. I placed one hand on his knee to hold him and myself steady, feeling him tense under my touch, and I brought the stitching tool in. The laser protruding from it helped me aim and then I let it do its work, guiding it along the gash. Ren released a slight hiss at the first stab of the material, weaving its way over his skin, but held himself together for the rest of the procedure. Nearing the end of the first wound, I looked back up at him before moving my hand from his leg to finish.

“You holding okay?” I asked him.

“Just fine,” his tense voice spoke.

“Are you sure?” I maintained eye contact with him while waiting for his answer. I could see in his eyes that he was feeling some strain.

“Why must you stare at me with that expression?” he grunted through gritted teeth. He sounded pretty agitated now.

“I’m just trying to make sure I’m not causing you too much pain. Why are you staring at me like that?” I returned.

“I don’t understand what it is you’re feeling right now.” 

I assumed he meant the strange emotion which kept taking over me. Or perhaps the bashfulness I felt at being near him with his pants off,

“Well, neither do I, so I guess we’re even.”

I placed my hand back down to begin work on the second gash. I was distracted a bit by the hand on this side of his body, gripping at the blankets in a twisting motion. I pulled the tool away from him in that moment, trying to throw certain thoughts from my mind - thoughts which confused the pain he was in in this moment with the only other times I’d seen someone grip at bedsheets with such intensity. I knew he was probably feeling the warmth running up my body right now as I was feeling it, and so my immediate response was to talk about something else.

“I didn’t realize this would hurt you this much,” I said, closing my eyes for a second before opening them, in order to refocus on the wound. I waited for his response before continuing.

“Just keep going,” he ushered frustratedly. Yep, he was definitely feeling the maddening sensation moving through my groin area now. I couldn’t possibly imagine what else would annoy him this way.

I took a deep breath and finished the second gash before moving on to the third and last one.  _ Ignore his hand _ , I told myself.  _ Just ignore it _ . My blood was pumping through my body, but this time it wasn’t in an anxious rush, it was a pleasant warmth which brought all my nerves to life.  _ Stop doing this _ , I thought to myself once more.

As I finished stitching the last and smallest wound, I tossed the tool back into the medkit and sat back up to admire my work.

“Well, there we go. All done,” I said proudly, running a hand alongside the stitching work. It didn’t seem to hurt him when I did that.

His hand had relaxed now, I noticed. All I could hear was his breathing, trying to calm down now that the pain had stopped, but even the sound of his breathing made my arm hairs stand on end.

“You need more discipline. Your emotions are… out of control.” He spoke like we were in training but his tone was soft, the way it had been when we’d had our more friendly conversations. I figured I could probably be casual with him right now.

“I don’t know if discipline’s the answer. But then again, I don’t know what is.”

How often would I need to feel shameful for my feelings around him? Was there a way I could cut him off from my emotions? I was growing tired of him knowing every time my body reacted a little too strongly to him.  _ Change the subject _ , I told myself.

“It’s strange, but seeing your face, it… it feels familiar,” I admitted to him, figuring it was something to say at least. This strange feeling still lingered amongst the rest, enough that I remembered it in order to bring it up to him.

“How is that?” he asked. I could feel his gaze upon me, but let my eyes meander only from his leg to his hand.

“I don’t know.” I felt my hand wander towards his, like it did before. It happened almost subconsciously.

“Why? Why do you keep doing this?” he asked.

“You touched my hand the first time,” I reminded him.

“I don’t know why I did it.” He turned his head down and towards the wall, but I could see the colour in his cheeks. He was twiddling his fingers about, anxiously awaiting my touch.

“Did it feel nice though? I enjoyed it,” I admitted to him.

I took his hand in mine and then observed his face. I don’t know what I thought would happen, but once I had a gentle grip around his hand, he squeezed mine back firmly. There was something that still eluded me, but I felt like I was so close to realizing it. I tried to think back to the times I’d heard of Kylo Ren before meeting him. Perhaps it was that time that held the key.

His time training as a Jedi, the story I’d heard all around the Resistance base, came to mind, but that couldn’t be it. Didn’t General Organa say her son, Ben Solo, had also gone to train with Skywalker? I felt like I had a vague memory of that. I then recalled her pleading with me to, if I ever met her son, ask him to come home. How would I have known who he was?

And yet, that was when it clicked. I observed the shape of his face, and his features. I’d seen someone with those features. He… he looked a bit like Han Solo, I realized, though I’d only seen Solo around the Resistance base a couple times and it was many years ago. It would have been hard to tell without that extra bit of intuition as Ren’s hair was so much darker and his face holding such different emotions from Han Solo’s smug charisma, but certain features were actually quite on par. And his eyes, they were Leia Organa’s, the General’s. They had the same look to them.

“Kylo, are you…” I trailed off. He turned back to face me now. I realized my mouth had come to hang open while I had been thinking.

“Have you figured it out then? You have that look in your eyes,” he commented.

“You’re Ben Solo?” I was gripping his hand quite tightly now.

“No. I was Ben Solo. That time is long gone; it’s dead, along with the Jedi temple and the padawans.” His hand was trembling in mine.

“Your mom wanted me to find you, you know that? She wanted me to… bring you back.”

“I know. I saw it in your memories the first time I entered your mind. And now you know exactly why that will never happen.”

Of course. General Organa told me that, if she taught me well, I’d know him when I saw him, didn’t she? That is, if I became strong with the Force, I’d be able to figure it out by feel. It just took seeing his face and some skin-to-skin contact to do it, I suppose.

I brought both my legs onto the bed so that I could kneel on it and move in closer to him.

“Luke Skywalker is your uncle,” I said, realizing it as I spoke. He said nothing, his eyes just moved from one part of my face to another. “Of course, you said your father taught you how to fly. The whole Resistance knows about the tricky missions Han Solo pulled off with the Rebel Alliance. On the Millennium Falcon, he finished the Kessel Run in under fourteen parsecs, he was a genius piloting a ship.”

Kylo raised a hand slowly up to my face, but I maintained focus on him, trying to figure out what he was thinking as his thumb gently rubbed the ridge out of my furrowed brow, smoothing out my expression.

“Twelve parsecs,” he corrected me. Then, his gaze fell, moving down in thought. “He may be an impressive figurehead for the Resistance, but father of the year, he was not.” He licked his lips nervously. I had to wonder if he was remembering whatever short time he may have had with his father. I had half a thought to enter his mind, just for a glimpse, but I didn’t want to start another argument right now and I had a feeling he would consider these memories highly personal. The best route seemed to be to comfort him for now.

“I’m sorry. He must have been away from you and your mother a lot. You probably don’t want to think about him.”

He went back to exploring my face with his eyes, lingering on my lips.

“Holy shit, Darth Vader was your grandfather,” I went on. He must have been tired of me pointing these things out by now as he let that point hang in the air for a few seconds before changing the subject.

“You know, it was so simple before you arrived. There was no one to make me question what is right, what is good. Now that you are around, I must re-examine every action I take before I take it. Sometimes, I am not sure where your emotions end and mine begin,” he admitted.

“Am I making things hard on you? I don’t intend to.” I couldn’t stop watching his eyes, so full of thoughtful curiosity.

“You’re just existing the only way you know how. I suppose I underestimated how hard it would be to bend your spirit, especially when you’re so full of… that classic Resistance-inspired hope.”

I released a small giggle at his words. “Yes, all that good ol’ rebellious hope.”

“Why is that funny?” he asked, a corner of his mouth raised like he wanted to laugh in return.

“I’m sorry to bring him up again, but you have the same smirk as your father.” He turned away, a bit embarrassed. “I wish I got to see it more,” I admitted.

“Well, if you like his smirk so much, maybe we’ll track him down and I can introduce you two,” he turned back to me, the charming smirk now at full mast.

“Oh, are we back with the jokes? Kylo Ren, the very dark, very mysterious apprentice of Supreme Leader Snoke, he’s got jokes, everybody!” I cackled, leaning my head that much closer to his chest.

He shook his head, looking away from me, but I felt his hand squeeze mine comfortingly as he turned back once more.

“Why do I enjoy this? I don’t understand.”

“Enjoy what? Me mocking you?”

“No,” he chuckled. “Just, being like this: close, and… open. Why do I like this?”

“You’re enjoying yourself right now? Could have fooled me with that scowl you had on for most of the time,” I teased. He looked at me like he wanted another answer. “Perhaps because… I like this, and now because you are feeling what I am feeling, you’re beginning to see what’s so great about being friendly, being kind.”

I rubbed my thumb over the smooth surface of the back of his hand. He was watching my lips once more, whether he was following along or distracted though, I wasn’t sure. I continued on,

“Humans aren’t meant to live in solitude, you know? We’re meant to… share. To chat, to take part in a community, to… to touch. But how could you ever live that way when they treat you like a tool to be used, like a weapon?”

His eyes looked a little sad as I said it, like he was realizing how much truth was in it. But there was still this glimmer in his eyes, something mischievous.

“What are you thinking?” I asked him.

“I’m just… enjoying the moment, I suppose.” He was a couple inches closer now.

“I like this too,” I whispered, reading his movements and inching closer as well.  _ Stop doing this, _ I told myself. I knew I was asking for trouble, but the bigger part of me didn't have a care in the world. It didn’t want me to stop whatever was about to happen.

“What are you thinking?” he returned, swallowing down as his eyes darted from my eyes to my lips.

“I’m not. If I was, I wouldn’t be doing this.” I neared him once more. We were only a couple inches away now, and I could feel his warm breath blowing over the lower part of my face.

Were we really doing this? Some primal part of me really wanted to. My mind started racing, wondering what this would mean. What if Snoke found out? He met with Snoke fairly often, after all. Certainly Snoke read his mind during these meetings and knew his thoughts, but Kylo Ren was no padawan himself. He could hide his thoughts when he wanted. But how much could he hide? Snoke was rumoured to be extremely powerful. Maybe this was a bad idea.

“Kylo…”

I didn’t know what I wanted to say, but I didn’t have to say a word as at that very moment the sliding door opened and 9B rolled in, some loud beeps being released into the room. We both turned to watch him as he whistled, laid his little eye upon us, and then turned to leave the room, indicating that we should return.

I turned back to Kylo, left as breathless in the energy we’d built up as I was. He seemed unsure of where we were left now, as was I. I couldn’t help but laugh at the strange vibe which was now in the air. He seemed befuddled by it.

“Put your fucking pants back on, Kylo Ren,” I giggled, stepping off the bed. “You’ve got a ship to land.”


	12. Chapter 12

Over the next week, I tried to give more and more of myself to the dark side as it came to me. It scared me, quite honestly. I could hear Ursa and Dara’s voices, as well as whispers from the rest of my original crew, but now, Rini Fithen’s voice had been added into the mix. I could hear her, screaming as I pull the trigger over and over and over. It didn’t sound the way it did when it happened in real life, it sounded worse -- more gruesome, more violent, more intense. And this time, she was upset and asked me why I did it.

“ _ You wanted me to, Rini. You wanted to die with dignity,” _ I assert as I try to push through this meditation.

“ _ How could you kill me? I am dead, Artie. Dead! You shouldn’t have listened to me, you made a mistake. I want to be alive, Artie, I want to live!” _

_ “You’re not real, this isn’t what you wanted, Rini.” _

_ “That’s not the point; the point is you pulled the trigger. You did it. You didn’t even take very long to do it, like it was easy for you! Like you didn’t have to buck up the courage-” _

_ “You’re wrong. I had to do it with my eyes closed, I threw up afterwards, I didn’t do it in cold-blood, Rini. I didn’t do it cruelly.” _

_ “But would you? You know it’s what your Master, and his Master as well, desire from you. This is what you’re meant to become, Artie. Face it, you’re going to become everything you hate.” _

_ “That’s not true. You can’t know that.” _

_ “It’s what you must become. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy, Artie. As long as you remain here, you will have no choice but to become this. It will happen, whether because you will need to prove yourself to your Master, or because you will emotionally tap into the Force as he experiences it, you will have no choice-” _

_ “Stop it! You don’t know what I am!” _

I pulled myself out of meditation quickly, nervously, feeling some beads of sweat pooling below my hairline. I wiped at them with my scarf, the only thing on me at the time with any excess fabric, and rejoined the space I was occupying in the living quarters of Kylo Ren’s shuttle. I was sitting at the table of the room, 9B powered down off to the side, and the blue and white lights of hyperspace flying past us.

I tiredly rubbed at my eyes with the pads of my fingers and stood up, pacing around the room. I knew that the fake Rini voice was trying to get a rise out of me, trying to toy with the darkness within me, however much or little there may be, but I also knew she was right. I had no choice but to start being okay with some killing, some murder. As uncomfortable as it was, it was the truth. If I didn’t, then my whole purpose of being here was null and void. The point was to gain their trust in order to keep myself alive until I could leave. If I stopped seeming useful, how much longer would I last?

I supposed the good thing was that Ren and I had become closer. This could work to my advantage as, if he felt bonded to me, he may be less likely to turn me into Snoke. I didn’t want to take advantage of him though and, if I had to, I wanted it to at least be as little as it could be. As horrible as he was, his humanity had shown through to me and I had been only too receptive to it. He had come to trust me because of my openness, and if I let him down, if I betrayed him after he’d come to feel he could be open with me, it may only push him further to the darkness and it would be my doing. 

I made my way back into the cockpit to buckle in for the landing, taking my usual seat as co-pilot.

I glanced over at Ren, who had his helmet off once more. He’d become more okay with leaving it off when it was just the two of us, which I rather liked. Seeing his emotions as they came across his face made me feel so much more connected to him. It didn’t hurt that he wasn’t bad looking either. He had a bit of the mischievous Solo charm to his face, along with some Skywalker determination and hope. He would hate that I thought that.

We came out of hyperspace just then.

“Have you ever thought of learning to fly?” he asked, playfully.

“That sounds terrifying,” I bantered back with ease.

“Does it? I’ve never thought of it as something to be fearful of.”

“Well, you’ve grown up flying. What if I hit an asteroid or something?” I turned to look at him with my chin sitting on my propped up hand.

“You can’t hit an asteroid while in hyperspace, which if you’re going planet to planet is most of the time.”

“True. But what about flying within the atmosphere of one planet?”

“When would you have to do that, aside from take off and landing?”

“I dunno. It’s just always the part I hate the most when flying with other people. It seems like that’s when most things go wrong.”

“That’s likely true.”

“So, what is our goal on Hosnian Prime? The last time I was there, I was taken captive and then interrogated by some asshole so I’d hope to know we have a plan.”

He chuckled at my words as he pulled us in for a landing on the outskirts of town. I’d noticed he was more okay with me making jokes at his expense lately as well, another thing that allowed me to feel more comfortable around him.

“We’ve had some reports that the Resistance has been moving more supplies than usual through the city. With our extended presence on the planet as of the past couple months, we have officers and sympathizers there as well. We will work with them in order to scout and investigate for members of the Resistance.”

“It’s the home of the New Republic so for the most part we won’t be among friends here. So, what, we interrogate them, find out where the Resistance base is? Take them captive? Kill them? What have we been told to do?”

“The Supreme Leader wants them all dead in the end. It’s not like we need them to find out where the Resistance base is.” He cut the engine to the ship and looked over to me now.

“Oh?” I asked innocently, knowing exactly what he was saying.

He reached across the gap between the pilot and co-pilot seat, holding his hand out for me. I reached across to take his hand, which enveloped mine in its larger size, and he began running his thumb over the back of mine, staring down at the embrace as he did so.

“You know the Supreme Leader will want to know the location of the Resistance base from you. Now that he believes you’re becoming one of us, he will want you to tell him personally to prove your loyalty.” He said it so matter-of-factly.

“Frankly, I’m surprised you’ve been able to convince him that I’m so entrenched in the First Order that I would give up that information.”

“Even if you won’t, he’ll take it from you. He’s a powerful mind-reader.”

“You’ve been able to hide things from him.”

“I’ve had practice. You, on the other hand, are incapable hiding what you’ve had for lunch on any given day.”

“That’s not true. I’ve hid information from you before. At least, I think I did.”

He gave me a strange look and let go of my hand.

“Are you sure about that?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. I sat up in my chair now, wondering if he knew what I thought he did.

“I thought I was sure. What do you think you know that I don’t know you know?”

He looked at me like he wanted to let me live on in ignorant bliss, but like he had to tell me.

“I… I am aware that you described Starkiller Base in a hologram sent to the Resistance. I couldn’t read the memory, but with the feelings I sensed and the small bits I could find, I pieced the truth together.”

I felt my body freeze on the spot, my blood running cold as I watched him react to my reaction. He seemed to find my facial expression amusing; he was trying not to show a smirk, but I could tell he was doing it.

“Well, that’s quite a fucking guess. Does Snoke know?” I asked agitatedly, jumping to my feet. Kylo just snickered at my reaction. “Does Snoke fucking know? This isn’t fucking funny, Ren!”

“He may know something is being hidden from him, but not what it is. At least not yet,” he responded, speaking more softly to try and bring me back down. “I’ve been keeping it from him until I figured out what to do about it.”

He stood up as well now and began heading for the loading dock.

“Aren’t we going to talk about this? You just told me you’ve known that I’m a traitor all this time and chosen not to act on it.”

“There’s nothing to discuss. I’m helping you out, Artie. Because I am a fool.”

“You are a fool! That information is just rattling around your brain and you’re acting like everything’s fine?”

“If you want to talk about this, hold off until later. And if you want to hide this from Snoke, this mission is a good chance to redeem yourself and claim that relinquishing that information was part of a momentary lapse that occurred when you were still new to the Order. If this is something that bothers you so, fight well today,” Kylo explained as he lifted his helmet from a shelf. There it was, his desire to see me finally fulfill my purpose.

“I suppose you’re right. It would give me a good alibi.”

I had some jitters running through my body, however, even though I was technically a better fighter now, after the affair on Ilum as well as some extra combat training. But that’s all it was, technical. We had begun training with a staff to prepare me for lightsaber training, but my blade was not yet built so for now I was still using a blaster. Perhaps that would be better. A blaster was more impersonal than a lightsaber.

“I can sense that you are nervous,” he said, placing his helmet over his head until the latch clicked and his voice modulator buzzed to life. “But you have become a talented, budding fighter. With the Force to guide you, you will succeed. I can sense this newfound confidence in you.”

I pulled my belt and holster out and began strapping it to my hips, chewing on the inside of my lip as I did.

“Thank you for the assurance, Commander.” I yanked my blaster pistol from the same closet and placed it into its holster, gripping it with a tense hand. “I am glad to hear that you have faith in me.”

“More than faith, Apprentice. Let us go.”

We were ushered into another meeting room, only this one was secret, not meant to exist on this planet, meaning we were ushered by officers wearing civilian clothes into the building. Once there, we were treated to another round of officers bureaucratically discussing recent moves made by the Resistance, locations that had become noted supply pick-up checkpoints and potential contacts they may have been using. As we were deciding on what the First Order’s next move should be, a young and frightened-looking officer came bursting into the room, stopped a few steps into the doorway and began panting. The officer leading the meeting stood up, clearly confused about the situation as was the rest of the room. The officer who had just entered was bent over himself to catch his breath, but held up a hand to tell us he was going to say something.

“Officer Barnes, what is it?” the stern-faced leading officer questioned firmly. The younger officer tried to explain between breaths,

“The shopping district... a bunch of troopers were... ambushed while pulling a supply run... that was meant for the Resistance. Blasters firing... everywhere.”

“In the middle of the damn shopping district?” I asked confoundedly.

“Idiots, we’re outnumbered on this planet,” Kylo commented, leaning into the conversation.

“Now we have no choice but to engage,” the leading officer said, slamming the side of his fist against his other hand, seeming intensely in thought.

“Well, wait a minute, if they don’t know we’re here, we could hold back and plan a better ambush with some strategy,” I suggested, seeing no reason to jump into this. Admittedly, I was also still quite nervous to head into a fight against the Resistance, even if it was necessary. “Those troopers made a mistake. The only action we need take is to remove them from the battle or let them lose. Why fight when, as Commander Ren has pointed out, we’re outnumbered?”

“We are outnumbered but, with the both of you fighting, we can win. I don’t doubt that,” the leading officer explained.

I turned to Kylo, hoping he’d be on my side but at the same time I knew he wanted to see me in action. I wasn’t sure what to expect him to say.

“The officer is correct, we could win with both of us in the fight,” he agreed, still in thought with a hand to his chin. “We will not send all of our troops to fight. We will send in a small squad, including my Apprentice and myself, to save any troopers still on the battlefield. We will do as much damage as possible to their numbers, get the troopers out at the same time, and then flee as quickly as possible. Let them know our destructive power, then pull back to leave them with the fear of our capabilities.”

I still wasn’t convinced that bombarding the city was a good move, and not just because I didn’t want to fight.

“But, Ky-Commander, the New Republic will know we’ve been here. Not to mention the fact that it’s a shopping district; what about the civilians and-”

“It is what needs to be done. It is what’s best for the First Order,” he said, voice raised just enough that it intimidated me and I felt myself become smaller. “Would you prefer to remain here at the base while I lead the team myself, Apprentice?”

I thought we were beyond him talking down to me like this, but apparently that wasn’t how this would play out. I knew staying behind wasn’t an option now, though I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach at the thought of embarking on it. I had taken on a wampa with him, scouted that supplier and his Resistance contact, but I had yet to take on the thought of actually killing Resistance members en masse, in a battle, by my own hand. The thought of the civilians who may well, even at this very moment, be hurt from being there at the wrong time just compounded the feeling that there was a dense, heavy rock sitting in my stomach.

I looked around the room to see the looks of fear in the other officers’ eyes and then turned back to Ren, my head slightly bowed down.

“No, Commander. I want to fight. I’m simply concerned as to whether this is wise.”

“It will work. You have no reason to doubt this, Apprentice. Is there anything else you wish to share before we leave? We haven’t all the time in the world, here.”

“No, Commander. We should leave immediately.”

“Prepare a shuttle,” Ren barked at the leading officer, who immediately got on his comm-link to call in for the ship.

Ren began a march out of the room and I followed after him, shuffling my feet quickly to keep up. I held my arms behind my back in my best First Order walk as we made our way. He didn’t once turn back to face me as we walked, or even to speak to me. I felt very alone all of a sudden.

The shuttle, being flown by an officer, landed to one side of the centre square of the shopping district where we could see blaster shots being passed back and forth. I could see through the window of the cockpit that we had landed near some troopers and an officer who were part of the fight, hiding behind booths which had been used to sell freshly cooked food but had now been vacated by their owners, peeking out occasionally to fire a shot.

_ What were they thinking going out like that on a planet like this, in the middle of a giant city? _ I asked myself, observing the chaos.

The ramp was lowered and the stormtroopers who were aboard with us descended first, with Ren and I following close behind. I pulled my hood up over my head, this time not to protect me from any environmental hazards, such as snow or sun. It was more so out of shame; shame that one of the Resistance members might somehow recognize me, shame that I was going to have to go for it and kill this time.

_ “There’s no turning back after this, traitor,” _ Rini Fithen’s voice floated through my mind.

There was a part of me that had come to terms with it, I realized as we stepped onto the battlefield and took cover. I felt ready; I was well-trained and prepared. But it still felt wrong, and it still made my heart feel like it was being squeezed in a vice.

Ren was the only one who didn’t seek cover. Instead, I watched as he made his way down the center of the battlefield, blocking shots with his lightsaber and even Force-blocking one so that it ricocheted back in the direction it came.

I peeked around the corner of the food stand I was hiding behind to observe the locations of any nearby Resistance members. There was one hiding behind a speeder, diagonal to where I sat crouched. I began aiming a shot when he noticed me and his attention shifted to firing a shot at me. Releasing a gasp, I reflexively pulled back to hide once more as I heard the shots make contact with the side of the booth and felt it rumble against my back. When he’d stopped, I peeked back over to see three giant craters in the side of the booth. I wouldn’t be able to hide here for long before I’d have to find new cover.

The man had taken aim at another stormtrooper for now, who had run around the side of the battlefield, near the store fronts, and had attempted to ambush him. This was my chance while he was occupied. As I took aim, The Resistance member took a few shots and knocked the stormtrooper out. I felt my hand come to a natural stop when my aim was true, and fired just as he turned back to face me. The shot struck him right between the eyes, as I’d envisioned it. I hoped he died before it could hurt too much.

_ Stop that _ , I told myself. If Ren finds out I worried like this… I glanced over the booth to look at Kylo Ren, holding his red glowing blade in both hands, striking down at a Resistance member whose arms I could see flailing as he was struck. I could feel Ren’s rage, feel his fiery passion. If I wanted to, I could let it engulf me. I didn’t love the idea, but it would do the trick.

I turned back to hide once more, but I could still feel him and all his anger and it was as if I could feel it building within me, dissolving the heavy feeling in my stomach like acid. I didn’t enjoy this feeling, tapping into his emotions like this. I wondered if he could feel me doing it or not. Given his mood earlier, I hoped not. My muscles tensed, forming my hands into fists, my grip around my blaster tightening.

Instinctively, I began sensing my way around the battlefield, searching for bodies which were firing in our direction. There was someone straight across from where I stood who was firing at a stormtrooper nearby. I turned my head just in time to see the stormtrooper fly back into my view after being hit. I sensed that the one who’d fired the shot turned away to let their blaster cool off for a few seconds. Taking that opening, I glanced around the other edge of my cover and, seeing it was open, I ran in a crouch to a cover slightly closer which gave me a view of them. She saw me only briefly before I fired off a shot and hit her in the chest.

And this time, it felt good. A smiled pulled at my face. I hated that it felt good.

_ Seven. _

We found the First Order members we had been searching for, ushered them back under and behind all the various objects that had been used as cover through the marketplace. Once they were in the clear, the stormtroopers began calling for a retreat, just as we’d planned. In, then swiftly out.

_ Seven of them. _

I followed as well, taking cover from the still incoming onslaught of blaster shots by feeling out which path would get me to the shuttle safely. Taking a split second decision for a quicker route, I sprinted up to the base of the ramp, throwing a hand behind me to Force block a blaster shot, the way I saw Ren do it, before making my way up.

_ Seven Resistance fighters. _

I turned back once more to see Kylo Ren, a few feet behind me, facing the battlefield still and bouncing blaster shots off his lightsaber, back towards them. He turned back towards me for a moment as well.

“Go! Get on the ship!” he yelled, taking a few steps back towards me.

I nodded and headed up the ramp and into the cockpit.

“Start the engine,” I prompted the officer in the pilot’s seat.

“Commander Ren?” he asked, trying to glance back into the loading dock.

Just then, Kylo Ren came up the ramp onto the ship and slammed the button to raise the ramp.

“Take off! Now!”

_ I killed them. Seven of them. _

“Yes sir!” the officer said, raising the ship.

As we lifted off into the air, the sounds of the blasters hitting the side of the ship could be heard. Ren entered the cockpit and grabbed the backs of both the pilot and co-pilot seat in a tight grip.

“Fire back! Don’t let them take us down!”

“Yes, Commander,” the co-pilot officer said, sitting up to the controls to take aim.

The piloting officer turned the shuttle to face the battlefield allowing the co-pilot to fire off a few shots at some of the Resistance fighters shooting at the ship before we gained some forward momentum and took off back to the base. I stumbled in place before clinging to the back of the co-pilot’s seat, which Ren was still gripping the headrest of, putting my head inches away from his arm. This only served to remind me that any emotion I had borrowed from him was wearing off now. I barely remembered what happened, it all moved so quickly.

I killed one soberly, then tapped into his anger and killed another. I found myself moving through the battlefield, easily knowing where to crouch, where to hide and when, and where my enemies hid and the best way to take them down. It was as if I’d honed in on another side of the Force: a side that didn’t value pacifism, but violence and strategy to achieve that violence. My intuition had indeed been raised, but for blood.

I killed five other Resistance members. I had their blood on my pants, my hands, and my scarf.

As the ship moved away from the battlefield and the blaster shots halted, I stumbled back onto my feet and jogged out of the cockpit and to the second room on this ship, where on Ren’s shuttle, his room was. On this ship, the room was a closet filled with extra robes, weapons and armour. I stomped over to the opposite wall, leaned my back to it and slid down, observing the splattered blood on my hands. I smudged it around between my fingers. This was someone’s life, their DNA.

I closed my hands into fists, still feeling the remnants of the anger course through my body. And I was angry, only now I was angry that I had let myself borrow Ren’s anger in order to let go, let myself hurt others senselessly. It was what needed to be done, but I couldn’t stand to think of it now. All this time, I kept waiting for myself to finally become what Ren wants me to be, but even when I was able to literally fight with exactly the same determination and fury, I still couldn’t do it while pushing through the damage it did to my psyche.

There was only one true moment of clarity that I recall: mid-fight, I suddenly thought back to when I gave the Resistance the information on Starkiller Base via hologram, and so I held a Resistance man at gunpoint after knocking his weapon out of his hand with a Force push, crouched down to whisper in his ear,

“Does the Resistance know about Starkiller Base?”

“W-What?”

“Does the Resistance know about Starkiller Base!” I asked sternly this time.

“Y-Yes, they know of it-”

And then I took the shot to stop him rambling further, sinking back into the rage, pleased to hear that my message had made it back.

A few minutes later, I heard a knocking at the door. I forgot I’d locked it for a moment and wondered why he didn’t just come in, though I was thankful he couldn’t. I knew who it would be.

“...Artie?” He said it just loudly enough that I could hear, but not so loud the other passengers could.

Now he was using my fucking name. But only in secrecy, of course.

“I don’t think I want to talk to you right now,” I said, just loudly enough for him to hear.

“I think we should.”  
“Okay, but I don’t want to, and I’ve locked the door. You can go now.” My voice trembled a bit.

“You know I can open the door whenever I want.”

“And you know I’ll be unhappy if you do that.”

He sighed as his voice modulator buzzed oddly warmly. I watched the door intently, fully prepared for him to open it against my wishes.

“I know,” he said, trailing off for a moment. “What if I let you vent first? I can sense you’re still distressed.”

“I really don’t think you’re the best person for me to speak to right now.” Part of me wished I still felt the anger so that I would have some fuel to argue with him. But I didn’t. I was empty.

“Who else is there?”

I looked back down at my hands once more. I had been unthinkingly rubbing the deep red, staining droplets around my fingers the entire time I’d been sitting here. I sighed heavily before I noticed a gentle, near-impossible-to-detect feeling grip my head.

“Don’t.”

“Are you injured?”

“Don’t fucking read my mind. Look, fine, get in here.”

The lock on the door released itself from his use of the Force, and he appeared in the doorway with his head sheepishly bowed. He took a step inside, the door closed behind him and he was prepared to take another step when I held a hand out to stop him.

“Just, stay against that wall,” I commanded. I really didn’t want any Force empathy to get him out of this.

He paused for a moment before conceding, locking the door up once more and leaning his back against it. I watched him closely as he slid to the floor opposite me and took his helmet off, placing it off to his side. And his face, his very not-bad looking face, didn’t even look angry. How frustrating was that?

I reached for a rag off the wall to wipe my hands, and then pulled one of my knees up and clasped my hands together to hold it to me, debating what to say now that we were here. He seemed to have an idea of how to begin this instead.

“Did you have another… attack, as you called it, today?”

“No. Surprisingly, I didn’t,” I said calmly.

“You succeeded today. You fought very well. I don’t understand what is wrong now?” As he spoke, his eyes were moving across the floor in patterns, thinking and trying to comprehend.

“I did. And I managed to tap into the Force in such a way that I didn’t feel their pain for that matter.”

“I could sense it on the battlefield. That is a success. So then, what ails you?”

“I think… it just took a lot out of me,” I half lied.

How could I explain the guilt I felt to him without making my true allegiance obvious? I thought back on the day, unsure of where I should stand with him in this moment, when I remembered how things went back in the meeting room. That moment definitely threw a wrench in my understanding of how our relationship was progressing.

I looked back up to his eyes, which were somehow able to look so innocent in these quiet moments.

“No, you know what, what about how you treated me when we first arrived here? You made me feel like absolute garbage out there! Now it’s all ‘Hey, Artie’? You spoke down to me in front of all those officers, how do you think that made me feel?”

“Is that truly what you’re concerned about right now?”

“Sure. Why not? Was that shit small potatoes to you? Because it wasn’t to me. I thought we were becoming more of a team. Was I wrong?”

He crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow, considering my question and the frustration I was projecting.

“You’re angry about this?” he said, nodding as he spoke.

“Yes, I’m angry. I want to know where we stand. Are we friends, partners, am I still your Apprentice? Sometimes you talk to me like I’m more than that, yet there are times you seem more than happy to put me down, perhaps to intimidate the officers and stormtroopers or perhaps to put me in my place so that I don’t get too comfortable.”

“Well, perhaps we’re in a similar boat then. I’m not sure how I should be interacting with you either.”

“The difference is, you have the power here. I don’t get to make decisions like ‘How does Kylo Ren, my superior and my commander, talk to me’. You do. I don’t like being subjected to your whims. Here, I thought my emotions were the crazy ones, but you’re not exempt. If you’re in a good mood, we’re friends. If you’re in a bad mood, we’re enemies. That’s not fucking fair!” I felt a bit childish asserting myself on that point. Putting up with his moods was bound to be a part of this position; yet, I suppose, because of our good moments I had allowed myself to believe that maybe, just perhaps, that it needn’t be that way.

I looked down to my knee, pulled up against my chest, and gulped hard. I must have been wrong, I must have misinterpreted. I prepared for a tongue lashing of epic proportions, but when I allowed my eyes to glance up at him, he seemed to still be in thought, biting the inside of his cheek.

“It’s odd. Normally, I would say… it’s not your job to question me. And it’s true. Normally, speaking as such would be punishable. But I have no desire to do so. Because what you say is true, and you are correct.” He was playing with his hands and the gloves on them as he did so. It was a very timid look for him, as he looked for something to distract him as he spoke. “I’ve told you before. If I do not treat you as an inferior, Supreme Leader Snoke will find out.”

“So, you want to treat me better, but you just can’t. Of course.”

“Well, what would you suggest I do then?”

And that’s when I had to ask myself, what did I want from him? I told myself it was simply to not be degraded and punished, and that that would be enough for me, but I also genuinely enjoyed our moments of closeness. And I guess I’d hoped that he did as well.

“You’ve said you can hide from him. And if I’m being honest, I prefer it when we get along. We work better that way. Like when we fought the wampa.”

“But also when it was just the two of us aboard the ship, speaking. You said it felt nice,” he said, looking down into his palm and remembering.

“And it did. And I believe you may have agreed. Which leaves me even more confused about where we stand.”

“So you would have me lie to the Supreme Leader so that I may be friendly with you?”

“Well, why not?” I realized how childish it sounded when he said it. I guess the question now, in his eyes, was whether or not it was worth doing. “Don’t act like these emotions are one-sided, after all. I know they’re not.”

He met my gaze now, and his eyes were honest and couldn’t hide his true feelings. Perhaps that’s why he wore that helmet. It was kind of funny. The look in his eyes was somewhat pitiful, but also grateful. 

“I… I’ll have to think about it.”

“Are you seeing Snoke when we get back?” I asked him, picking back up the rag I had used to clean my hands of the blood. Due to its dark colour, you couldn’t even tell what was on it. Just that it was dirty. I began folding it up

“I will be at some point, yes.”

“Well, I guess you can let me know what you’ve chosen when you get back.” I placed the folded rag back down onto the ground beside me.

He gave a nod before standing up, taking his helmet in one hand and replacing it on his head. As he exited the room, he relocked the door for me, just as he found it.


	13. Chapter 13

The next day, I was up late in the evening - well, what the Finalizer had designated evening based on the clock it had chosen to use - sitting on the floor of my room, with 9B by my side. By the light of my small night lamp on from my bedside table, I was back at work on my lightsaber, no less than three books and two scrolls laying around the floor of my room. 9B was shining his little utility flashlight on my build to help me see the finer details.

The instructions seemed to be reprints of old Jedi scrolls, as well some extra information on the individual pieces and the crystals. I was thankful I managed to nab them from Ren before we had our discussion yesterday. I needed some space for the day, and as we didn’t have any assignments for a couple days, it gave me time to work on my new weapon.

I rubbed at my temples for a moment, staring at the pieces I had organized across the floor by purpose. Kindly, I had been given some options for each piece, but it just left me with the headache of making decisions right now. I just wasn’t in the mindset to fathom it.

I knew Kylo was speaking with Snoke at some point today. Hell, it may be happening right now, and so my work was serving to distract me from my thoughts as well. For all I knew, he told Snoke that I was a traitor and there were stormtroopers coming to remove me right then, as I sat there working.

On the other hand, Kylo seemed quite taken by me. I think I’ve shown him a kindness that the First Order never has, never could. I believe I’ve shown him an honesty as well, about certain things anyway. Perhaps most of all though, were the feelings I could show him and make him feel. I wondered how many years it had been since he’d felt such empathy for another’s emotions. And I had made him feel so much. I also believed he had come to enjoy it, which was the true twist of it all.

It was the only thing that seemed to make sense. He could report me to Snoke, and I would be gone. It would be so easy, but something was always stopping him. Something made him want to protect me, beyond all reason. He was acting a fool in hiding this information; he said it himself.

But what if, and this was what I couldn’t know, he was this way with all his Knights of Ren? Had I let myself believe that I was so special to him? Perhaps he just treated his apprentices and partners differently from other First Order members, treated them more like friends. But all the Knights couldn’t be traitors like I was. Surely not. There must have still been something different with me. Not all his Knights seemed to have the ability to share emotions like I could, for instance. I guessed this by his surprise when I used the power.

It was hard to know what to make of all this. All the stories I’d ever heard in my life, from the Resistance, from General Organa, none of it could have ever prepared me for how my true life would turn out. I expected to fight for the Resistance, pulling supply runs until I was too old, or perhaps until I was killed by a supplier who was sour about not getting paid on time. All I had ever known about Kylo Ren led me to believe meeting him would mean death for me. Who could have predicted a predicament such as this would have unravelled?

As I pondered all this, my comm-link went off. His meeting with Snoke must have been over.

“Artie, I’m in the hall outside. May I enter your chambers?”

Chambers, he’s so pretentious. It’s a fucking bedroom.

“I’m just kinda working on my lightsaber right now-” Apparently he had already decided we were speaking immediately as the door to my room opened in the middle of my sentence. I placed the comm-link back in my pocket. “We could speak in the morning, you know?”

His helmet was off already, perhaps replaced in his quarters, and he walked like he was agitated, pacing. He took a few steps into my room, recoiling a bit as he realized he was walking on bits and pieces of metal and one of his books.

“You’re working on the floor?” he questioned in near disgust. He stepped off to the side of my workspace to observe it.

“It’s the only spot with enough space for me to lay everything out,” I explained. Sighing, he looked around the room.

“I suppose it is a bit small in here.”

“Well, I’m used to having a small room. I’ve been sleeping in small rooms since I was sixteen.” I looked up at his tall frame from where I sat cross-legged on the ground and noticed his fists clenching and fidgeting. His desire to throw something, to smash something to bits, was emanating off him, it was in the air. Geez, what happened with Snoke? “What’s got you all worked up?” I asked, innocently as possible.

He just stood there for a moment, his shoulders heaving with his every breath as he glanced over all the pieces on the ground. And then, he closed his eyes, his breathing slowly calming. I realized my mostly calm aura was probably rubbing off on him and he probably wanted to let it. I focused some of my calmness, sharing it with him.

“Would you like to sit?” I asked, in as gentle a voice as I could muster as I began to work on the hilt again. I knew he’d probably do it if I offered kindly, plus if I seemed to be at ease it would put him at ease as well.

He opened his eyes, looking down on my small frame. He still seemed to be too agitated to sit, but forced himself to anyways, putting himself cross-legged across my workspace from me. As I worked, examining a couple pieces before trying to add them to my main build with no luck, his frustrated eyes watched.

“Would you like some help?” He asked after watching me work for a minute. Perhaps I was wrong about this putting him at ease.

“Not really.”

“Well, you’re doing it wrong,” he grunted.

“I’m just doing what the book says,” I argued, examining the page once more to double check the placement.

“The book wouldn’t say that, because it’s wrong.”

“Well, let me just read what the page says quickly… You’re right, it’s wrong.” I removed the piece and tossed it against the floor, where it bounced and rolled over to Ren. He picked it up and began examining the small piece, cylindrical and hollow on the inside.

I read the page over and then picked up the correct piece and placed it into the build.

“Are you sure you don’t want any help?”

“No, I think it’s good for me to do this myself. It’s nice to have a hobby,” I joked, clicking the piece into place before turning back to the book.

“That’s quite… resolute of you.”

“Thank you, Kylo.” I watched his eyes when I used his name, trying to catch a glimpse of anything that could tell me if I was reading the situation properly. “Are we going to talk about why you’re really here?”

His eyes looked back up at me, slightly sad this time. With the glare of my lamp hitting them just the right way, I would almost go so far as to say they looked watery. Probably not though. It was probably just that lost puppy look that they had that made me even think that. His gloved hands were gripping his bent knees like the arms of a chair.

“What did Snoke say, Kylo?”

Suddenly, he removed his gloves off each hand and smacked them to the ground beside him. He had his hand up to his chin in thought once more, slightly rubbing along the underside of his mouth as he considered his words. I decided to put any pieces I was holding down onto the ground, letting 9B turn his flashlight off. 

“You were right about something.”

As the droid rolled away to his little docking station to rest, I turned back to Kylo.

“What was I right about?” I asked, gulping hard as quietly as I could.

“I’m just a weapon for them. A tool. And I always knew this in a way, but never really… felt what that meant. In a way, I was alright with it, for so long. Because it was for the good of the Order.” 

“And, what has changed?”

He was silent for a moment, his eyes still wandering over all the pieces laid out on the floor. Noticing this, I began picking them up to replace them in the container he had given them to me in.

“Sorry, I’ll put these away.”

I closed all the books and then stood up off the floor, picking them up in a pile and returning them to the small shelf in the closet. When I turned back around to grab the container of pieces, I found myself face to chest with Kylo, the container in his hand. He held it out for me, and I took it with a small bow of my head and then turned back around to place it in the closet beside the books.

When I turned back around, he was turned back the other way, looking around the room as he did so.

“You can take a seat on the bed, if you’d like,” I offered, taking a couple steps ahead to hold out an arm towards one side of the bed as I sat down on the other.

He sat himself down and brought a knee up onto it. I sat myself cross legged once more, not wanting to mirror him right now as I still awaited an answer to his question. I wasn’t sure whether I should still expect one, but he continued on.

“The only thing that is truly different is your presence here.”

I nodded along as I replayed his words in my head for a second, considering what he may have meant by it.

“I’m... sorry if I ruined the status quo.”

“No, don’t be. For all I know now, especially now when I feel I know nothing, perhaps it needed to be ruined.”

“Perhaps.” I licked my lips nervously. “Do you want to talk about anything Snoke said in particular? What’s brought on this line of thinking?”

“He’s impressed by your progress, if that interests you to know. And he’s proud of how far I’ve come as a teacher.”

“Oddly enough, that doesn’t make me feel very at ease.”

“It’s not odd at all. It is hard to say exactly what he knows; he hides his knowledge, playing little mind games with us all. I don’t believe he knows about your… little slip up with that Resistance soldier. Still, I am concerned he knows more than he is letting on.”

“What makes you say that?”

My eyes nervously darted from my hand to his, which sat on the thigh that was sitting up on the bed. His other hand, which had previously been sitting atop the bed was now gripping tightly at the bed sheets.

“Just a hunch.”

I found myself placing a hand above the one on his thigh, gently taking it in a loose grip.

“We’ll figure it out, Kylo. We’ll figure out a way through all this.”

His eyes widened in surprise at my touch, but then warmed into it as he took in the sight and altered his hand’s placement to grip mine back.

I began to think about what it would even mean for us to make it ‘through this.’ For me, it meant returning to the Resistance, but for him, what could ever come after this? It wouldn’t be so simple as him returning to his mother and happy-ever-after. There were no happy-ever-afters in this war. If I returned, I would continue pulling supply runs until I met an end of some sort. It was no way to live. But what was the alternative? To not try to fight, to leave the Resistance for others to run, and potentially let the First Order win? I had to wonder, if I could get back from this - in the eyes of the Resistance, being a prisoner for the First Order - will I not have done my time for the Resistance? Would bringing them that information and returning to show my loyalty not be enough?

I was brought back by the feeling of Kylo’s thumb softly brushing against the back of my hand.

“I enjoy this far too much to continue stopping myself.” As he said it, he almost chuckled, smiling a somewhat sad smile. His cheeks turned flushed pink as he said it. “I mean if… if you enjoy it as well, that is.” 

My heart felt light, like it could fly away if it wanted to, thoughts of the future all but forgotten.

“I don’t want to stop either. You know what, fuck Snoke. We do what we want,” I said, returning the smile. It was so ridiculous, I thought he might pull back. Instead, he inched himself towards me on the bed and reached up to gently push back a few curls of my hair which covered my forehead, combing them away from my face.

“We do what we want,” he repeated, his eyes following the features on my face until they found my lips.

It might be too much to expect him to say ‘Fuck Snoke,’ fair enough. That was a lot.

I smiled at him, also finding my gaze lingering a bit too long on his lips. His face hovered nearer to mine until it was only inches away.

“Is that a promise?” I whispered, almost directly into his open mouth.

He chuckled a small chuckle, letting his forehead fall against mine. I wanted to be even closer to him. Was I mad? As I felt his nose brush against mine, I realized what truly would drive me mad would be if I didn’t relieve some of the tension building up inside me in that moment.

Closing my eyes, I brought my lips to his and gently brushed them together. I pulled away, leaning my head against his, and opened my eyes to see that he had also opened his. He had the same hungering look of desire in his eyes that I was feeling in that moment, like if he didn’t do something about it, his tense body would seize. I felt the urge to soothe that tension, and so I threw my arms around his shoulders, pulling him in once more, and he met my action by slinging his hands around my waist. Our lips crashed together, this time meeting sloppily off-center before we felt our way back. His hands slipped a little higher up my sides before exploring the curve of my back. My own hands traced around the back of his neck, to run my fingers through his thick, dark waves of hair.

His lips were so warm, strong enough to take charge and yet soft enough to enjoy as they meshed together in a dance of push-and-pull. He pulled away, leaving a gentle suckle on my bottom lip. His warm breath tickled as it breezed across my now damp lips and I was left inhaling the intoxicating scent of him. Feeling his strong hands pressing into my middle back, practically holding my upright as I wanted to melt into his touch, was an experience of itself.

As my eyes were making their way from his lips, up his nose, I finally noticed his eyes were observing me for a moment.

“Y-you’re feeling what I’m feeling right now, right?” he asked breathlessly, sitting back further on the bed.

“Didn’t need the Force to relay that one,” I chuckled, pulling him back in for another kiss.

I threw myself right into him, shifting in my spot so that both my knees were up on the bed now, allowing me to sit on my heels and bring myself to the perfect height to meet him, allowing me to press myself further into the warmth radiating off his body. As our lips moved with each other, he managed to sneak his tongue into my mouth, snaking it around mine.

I was sure he hadn’t kissed much before, judging by how impatient and sloppy he was, but there was something endearing about that, the fact that he was running on pure passion right now. I did my best to help find a rhythm for us to work in.

Suddenly, his hands were at my waist once more, pulling me in close before pressing down roughly into my hips. We had become so close that the only placement left that made sense was to straddle his legs. Now, his hands sat at my lower back and hips. My own hand found itself tracing its way down his neck and over his shoulder to rest on his chest, sturdy under my palm as it moved with every heavy breath of his. The sensation growing between my thighs became unnervingly intense as I realized how close our pelvises were to each other.

I pulled away from the embrace to the sight of him looking up at me submissively as our heavy breaths punctuated the air.

“Must we stop?” he asked as his eyes wandered over my body, tracing downwards over my breasts and stomach before meeting my eyes once more.

I brushed back a strand of his dark wavy hair from his face, slightly damp from his sweating hairline, and admired the features of his face once more as my hands made their way across his jawline, tracing it down to his neck to hold his shoulders.

“I must be crazy, Kylo. I must be crazy. A few weeks ago, the way you treated me-”

“I don’t wish to be that any more. At least not to you.”

“That’s still the problem, seeing you hurt others still hurts me. I feel their pain, I feel your anger. I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about that.”

His gaze fell in thought before turning away to examine the rest of the room once more, as though remembering the truth of the situation - that we weren’t off in our own world, though it may have felt like it. We were just in this small bedroom on a large ship full of tens of thousands of First Order personnel, moving through space.

Then, his arms held me in closer, so I put my arms around his shoulders to complete the embrace, the side of his head leaning in against mine.

“I don’t wish to cause you any more pain,” he whispered softly into my ear, his mouth mere inches away releasing hot breath which danced across the side of my face. He began comfortingly patting down the hair on the back of my head.

“You won’t have a choice.”

“Why not?”

“Until we figure out what we’re going to do, we have to play along. We have to play Snoke’s game. We have to go on whatever missions Hux sends us on. Whatever happens next cannot be uncalculated.” I spoke as I thought, realizing this fact of the situation myself.

As he was still brushing my hair down with one hand, I nuzzled against the side of his head.

“I… I understand,” he said.

“I do wish we could stay here, for as long as we want.”

“I don’t know if I’d ever leave,” he chuckled playfully. A smile found its way onto my face. “We’ll figure it out, Artie. We’ll figure something out.”


	14. Chapter 14

The next day, Kylo had to leave on another solo mission. He wasn’t supposed to give me any details on it, but let me know he was going back to Pillio with a scavenging team to check if any artifacts had survived the blast that destroyed the Emperor’s observatory all those years ago.

“Likely, it’ll actually be quite boring,” he told me when he had visited my room that morning before leaving.

We stood with both our hands holding each others’ hands, like a chaste dance stance, and I wished him luck. He pressed a kiss to my forehead before leaving, grabbing his helmet off the table beside the bed on his way, and looking back before the door came to a close.

I was left to spend the day working on my lightsaber some more. These old sketches and diagrams were nearly impossible to understand and I kept putting pieces together only for them to ultimately look nothing like the images. Maybe I’d have to finally cave and ask for Kylo’s help after all.

After a few hours of unsuccessful tinkering, I decided to leave my quarters. One of the perks of being in this more private sector of the ship was that droids would deliver us food and anything else we may need, meaning no more spending awkward meals in the canteen, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t a bit lonely.

I don’t know what I hoped to find, wandering the halls of the Finalizer with 9B rolling beside me to guide me back after wherever this jaunt may bring us. He seemed just as confused by where we were going as I was. I passed by groups of stormtroopers and officers who often did double takes as they saw me pass, not expecting to see Ren’s apprentice meandering about I suppose. Their looks were of surprise and confusion mostly, but I had to wonder what they thought and spoke about once I had passed by them. I could read their minds, I reminded myself. But for what purpose? What would I do with that information once I had it. I decided not to. I wasn’t very practiced at it anyways.

As I was passing by the entrance to a hangar, I suddenly noticed I couldn’t hear 9B rolling beside me. I paused in my step and took a look behind me, seeing that the little droid had paused in front of the open door to the hangar, peering through the large double-wide door. He made a small whistling sound before rolling through the doorway.

“What is it, 9B?” I asked, following him curiously through the doorway.

Once I was able to peer into the hangar, I saw that there were a few shuttles parked in it, as well as some technicians doing some repairs and refilling their fuel. 9B was rolling right into the center of the floor and up to a technician. who seemed to be finishing up work on one ship.

“9B, where are you going?” I whisper-yelled at the brave little droid.

The technician he was approaching had red hair pulled into a precise bun and a somewhat pointed face; her oversized jumpsuit had been unzipped to the hips and tied around her body, revealing a grey tank top. I watched her wipe her hands on a rag, turning away from her work as I realized who I was looking at. She recognized me as well.

“Oh man, it’s Artie! The Apprentice!” she said with a chuckle, holding her arms out to either side of her to gesture in my general direction.

“Zahara!” I continued making my way towards her, glancing down at the mischievous little droid with a somewhat annoyed smirk.

“This little droid turned out to be a bit of a troublemaker, hey? Running off into the hangar like that.”

When we were finally close enough, I gave her a friendly hug which she returned. When we parted, she eyed me up for a second.

“You’re looking a lot better.”

“Am I?” I chuckled.

“Yeah, damn, you were like a sad, lost little animal the first time we met. You look a bit more… adjusted perhaps?” she suggested, as she finished wiping off her hands and then put them at her hips, the rag dangling out of one.

“Well, that’s kind of you to say. You’re looking pretty great yourself. When did you leave Starkiller?”

“Just arrived a few days ago. The transfer came out of nowhere, but what can ya do. We’re at the mercy of the grey-suits.”

“Oh man, it’s so nice to speak to someone who isn’t an officer or a stormtrooper. Everyone’s so uptight here,” I said to her, rubbing my hands down the side of my face, feeling relief. She shrugged, taking a look around the hangar and I followed her gaze.

“Yeah, it’s nice not needing to follow those protocols. They serve their purpose, I guess, but oh boy am I glad I’m not expected to be attending meetings and all that shit.”

“Yeah, you’re lucky. Every officer thinks they know better, thinks that they’re the smartest person in the room,” I commented, shaking my head.

“Damn. I was just about to head down to the canteen, wanna grab some drinks?”

“Yeah, we could do that. Ky- um, Commander Ren is off ship for a couple days so I haven’t got much to do.”

“Great! I just gotta put my tools away,” she said, tossing her rag into a small toolbox and taking the box by the handle as we started making our way to the exit of the hangar. “So, speaking of him, how about your master, the Commander?”

“Well… you know,” I said, considering how much she needed to know. I thought back to our first conversation when she told me about how gossip got around the First Order. It was probably better to not mention anything too incriminating. “He’s an asshole, but… what can you do?” I covered.

Just then, a voice boomed from the doorway: a cold, calculated voice which sent a chilling tingle up my spine and froze me in my tracks.

“Be careful of what you say, Apprentice. Aboard my ship, there are eyes and ears everywhere.”

I looked up at the door just in time to see Hux step forward through it, both arms behind his back and his shoulders perfectly square. As he took a few steps forward, observing us with his pasty, pointed face, a horrible sinister smile plastered itself on him.

“I’m sure our dear Commander would hate to hear you speak so ill of him,” he commented in a faux casual way.

“General,” I greeted out of politeness, trying to see how long I could go without acknowledging his words. I bowed slightly as well, hoping to appease him at least a bit.

His icy blue eyes darted from Zahara over to me.

“Fraternizing with my technicians, I see, Apprentice. Whatever might you be doing here?”

I looked back at Zahara, who stood up a bit straighter, but looked overall unaffected by his words. She offered a looked of pursed lips and apologetic eyes.

_ “Tell him it’s none of his damn business!” Shut up, Ursa. “Put the fear in him!” Shut up! _

“She happens to be an acquaintance of mine, Sir.” I gulped hard, turning back to him.  
“Really? I can’t imagine why you would need such a thing. Has Commander Ren not given you any training to accomplish while he is away?” The devilish smile on his face pulled wider. I think he could see me mentally working out how to speak to him, how to escape this conversation.

“Well, I-I guess-”

“Just as I thought. Disobeying orders. I have no qualms about returning you to a cell, Apprentice. I would do it in an instant. Or perhaps I should let the Supreme Leader deal with you, hmm?”

My mouth dropped a bit as I took in what he was saying. I hadn’t realized he had harboured such hatred for me still, nor did I realize that he would be so brave as to approach me when I could easily tell Kylo about him threatening me. Perhaps he was under the impression that this was how Ren spoke to me and that Ren would be on his side, not mine. Only a short while ago, he would have been correct.

_“Stick it up your arse, Hux!”_ _Shut up!_

“Does the Commander know you make threats to his Apprentice like this, General? It seems rather inappropriate, considering how loyal I’ve been to the cause. You do not know what Commander Ren tells me to do while he is gone, I don’t consider it any of your business.” My confidence picked up as I spoke, remembering that he was meant to be obedient to Snoke, as was I, and while it didn’t seem like he or Kylo were above each other, Kylo was clearly more powerful so technically he was made to take orders from him as well.

“Loyalty,” he humphed, turning down to adjust the cuffs on his military jacket. “I find it hard to believe Resistance scum like you would know the meaning of the word. How quickly you turned to be with us, after all. Not well, I might add.”

“That will be for the Supreme Leader to decide, Sir,” I spat the words like they disgusted me, simultaneously praying I’d never have to meet Snoke though I doubted I could avoid it the longer I stayed here.

_ “That’s it, Artie. Give it to him. Let him know he can’t mess with you.” _

“Perhaps so,” the corner of his lip curled up now in recoil. “But we wouldn’t want for him to have a reason to get involved, now would we? That wouldn’t end well for you.”

“I am not yours to watch over, General! If I had done anything that needed some form of punishment, Commander Kylo Ren would be the first to know and he would do it, trust me.” The muscles of my arms and hands began to twitch as the fire building in my veins tried to find someplace else to go.

“Yes. Well, I would hope so. Assuming of course the Commander is taking his duties seriously, which, given his… unstable nature is not always the case.”

“He’s taught me well enough, I’m sure. I don’t know what you’re implying, General.”

_ “Let him! Fucking! Have it!” _

“I’m implying that perhaps your presence here is distracting the Commander from his true mission. And we can’t have any distractions, like you, around here, can we-” A guttural sound came from his throat before I could realize I had reacted.

My hand had come up, held the way it often was when I was using the Force, only this time it wasn’t levitating boxes or reading minds. I had Hux in a chokehold, stopping him in his tracks and in his words. His eyes went wide and his tongue stuck out slightly. His white-grey face quickly became even paler than usual. I lifted him so that his feet were inches above the ground, as if to compound the fact that he was under my control.

“Perhaps you should not speak of things you know nothing about. Commander Ren is my master, not you. And he has taught me well. Taught me that when you have power, you do what you like. And I would very much like for you to stop talking,” My voice came out simultaneously sickly sweet and painted dark as I went through my spiel. I was toying with him in a way that was so unlike me.

It was peculiar because it wasn’t truly me. I didn’t intentionally do this. But it felt good. It felt horribly fantastic in the most primal way. I watched as his face slowly went from white to purple.

“You only wish I was the same Resistance girl who first arrived here, Hux. You underestimated me.” A rather large part of me would have liked to see him collapse in my grip, though I knew it was wrong. If for nothing else, I should let him live so that Kylo doesn’t have to worry. “Something tells me you’ll never make this mistake again.”

With that, I released him and he fell immediately to his knees on the hard metal floor, coughing and taking raspy inhales. The once dignified General had been reduced to a runny-nosed, teary-eyed blubbering mess. I once was embarrassed to have the same thing done to me, I recalled for a moment. There was a kind of satisfaction in turning the tables.

“Never underestimate me again, Hux.” I made a note to never refer to him as General again. I knew it would add that extra little sting for him to lose that title in my eyes.

He looked up at me as he made his way back onto his feet.

“I’ll be discussing this incident with Supreme Leader Snoke. I hope you realize this,” he choked the words out as he stumbled away, towards some stormtrooper guards who had been standing to await him in the hallway. I was suddenly thankful the doors had been closed while the whole thing played out.

I suddenly remembered Zahara had been watching all this time as I turned to see her, looking wide-eyed, but not in fear. Instead, she seemed impressed.

“Bad ass,” she said, approaching me and smacking me on the back. “Shit, you’re like a real Sith lord! I should be scared of you, but that was probably the coolest thing I’ll get to see in my whole life!”

I felt some discomfort at being called a Sith; the word made the corner of my lip twitch and my throat go dry. I let myself go. I shouldn’t have done that. The darkness was starting to get the better of me. This was not good.

While we were regrouping, a loud boom could suddenly be heard from somewhere on the ship. Zahara and I turned to look at the source of the sound, but it was well out of range of anything we could see, emanating from somewhere beyond the walls of the hangar. I glanced back at the doorway to see the still recovering Hux look at each of his stormtrooper guards before loudly exclaiming,

“What in the bloody blazes was that?”

We were all thrown sideways off our feet as if something massive had hit the Finalizer. I hit the ground hard on the armour of my shoulder, feeling it slap against my skin hard enough that there was likely a bruise, and released a heavy grunt.

“Geez!” Zahara whined annoyedly.

“What the hell…”

As we got back to our feet, us and about a dozen other technicians scattered across the hangar floor, we were all in unison observing the area, cautiously seeking a cause for the tremor. I began feeling out beyond the space, trying to sense anything unusual. Something absolutely felt off, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I didn’t need to spend much more time guessing as, just as that moment, a ship I recognized as a Resistance owned-one flew by the shield of the hangar, being followed by a couple TIE fighters shooting at it. Their signature hum followed as they left the scene, doing so just as quickly as they entered it.

In utter awe, I was quick to realize how helpless I was in this situation. What could I do to help? What could I do to stop this? My heart began pounding against my chest. I turned to Zahara who looked just as shocked as I was.

“What a fucking day, huh?” she commented.

From the hallway outside, I could hear that Hux had began barking orders to anyone nearby who would listen.

“Get as many TIE fighters out there as we can! You fools! Move!”

“What the hell do we do, Zahara?” My pumping blood mixed with the confusion of the situation made my brain feel like it was filled with a fog.

“You’re the powerful one with the mysterious abilities!”

“Okay, okay, hold on.”

I glanced back around to look at the shuttles sitting in the hangar and all the technicians scurrying around.

“Can you fly a ship, Zahara?”

“Can I?” she repeated. I turned back to see her, oddly delightful at the question. “You think I can build ships but not fly them? I’m glad you finally asked. Can you shoot?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I can shoot.”

“Perfect. Let’s go!”

I was nervous, but her excitement made the nervous energy transform, a confidence forming in its place. Zahara took my hand and led me for a few strides before we were off on a jog down the hallway, 9B following close behind in a quick roll. We followed her down a number of hallways before arriving in another hangar, only this one was filled with racks upon racks of TIE fighters. She led me down the aisle, passing by various types of fighters before stopping in front of one row. We stepped up to the platform to enter the cockpit from.

“This one’s a two-seater,” she commented.

“Why is the hangar empty? Shouldn’t everyone be here?” I asked her.

“This is the secondary squad, reinforcements. They wouldn’t let us take one from the main hangar. Once the primary hangar is empty, then they’ll start sending pilots over here as well.” She hopped into the pilot’s seat through the roof of the fighter.

I took a deep breath before hopping into the copilot’s seat, facing opposite the pilot’s. Once the lid closed, 9B settled into the spot for the astromech on the roof.

The ship’s engines were turned on and the screens throughout my panel buzzed to life. Zahara and I were back to back, which meant that in order to shoot I would be relying on these radars as well as my own intuition. What a terrible design. A few weeks ago, this would have seemed impossible. Now, while it seemed challenging, I knew that as long as Zahara could steer us well, we could absolutely do this.

“Are you ready?” she asked. I looked over my shoulder to see her handle on what was probably the release latch.

“Yeah. We can do this. It’s an honour to be flying with you, Zahara.”

“It’s an honour flying with you, Captain Artie.”

I felt a warmth flush my cheeks at hearing myself being called captain once more. Admittedly, I had missed it.

She pulled the lever and the ship was released to fly forwards, quickly gaining momentum before escaping the shields and flying off into the openness of space. We took a sharp turn, seeking the battlefield. It was rather frightening to not see where we were going, I quickly realized, but I could feel Zahara’s calm stoicness as we zoomed through the sky.

“Fighters ahead!” she called back.

Indeed, I could see a cluster on my radar where the battle was taking place. Suddenly, a few shots narrowly missed us, the last of which was dodged only by Zahara quickly reacting and flipping the ship. I regained my sense of direction from the flip and then found him on my radar and began locking him.

“You see him?”

“Don’t worry, I got him,” I responded calmly, as the radar’s aim reticle closed in on the image of an X-wing fighter. Once it was locked in, I fired and a couple shots hit their target. The X-wing had turned around and now entered my field of vision, at this end of the TIE fighter.

“I thought you said you had him!”

“Turn us around, a couple more shots and he’ll be toast!”

“On it.”

We flipped once more, avoiding a couple shots from the X-wing in the process, and now we were chasing him again. I started the lock on sequence, only this time, seeing as he was a feisty one, I placed my hand at the ready to release a homing missile. I waited until the last possible moment, trusting my instinct this time, before pressing the button. I watched the missile follow him on the bird’s eye radar. He moved around quite a bit but, ultimately, the missile found its impact and the dot disappeared.

“It’s a hit!”

“Oh, fucking fantastic!” she cackled delightfully.

As we turned around to find another fighter to pick off, I caught sight of a larger starfighter. I had to wonder what their plan was in launching this attack. What could the Resistance gain from this? I realized this was probably the first time since my kidnapping that I was truly looking at the Resistance from the other side. Even though I had been on this side of the battlefield before, this felt like the first time I truly had zero idea what they could gain from this action. I was on the outside, for good right now.

I let my feelings guide me as I divided my attention between my radar and the main ship. Zahara pulled us into another roll just before some more shots missed us.

“Another one at 1 o’ clock, should be at 5 in a second. Get ready, I’ll turn us around.”

Just as she explained, another X-wing flew by us, getting ready to turn around and face us once more. Zahara took us in for the turn at the same time and I started locking on.

“He’s turning around at the same time. You don’t have time to lock in Artie! Just take the shot!”

I found the ship on the radar and took aim, wildly firing off a few shots. They were quick, but calculated and one of them took out the wing before they could send off any shots. With their wing damaged, they were sent spinning wildly. Zahara took us around once more.

“Finish them off!”

I took the last shot as we flew by the ship and this time was able to watch the explosion as a cloud of grey was ignited by the bursting engine, and slowly collapsed upon itself. I could feel the searing heat dance along my own skin as I watched the blast disappear.

“Artie, 11 o’ clock. Fire, now!”

My face was burning up, it felt like it was melting. Sweat was pouring down my temples and tears streamed down from my cheeks almost instantly.

“Artie! Now!”

Zahara’s screams were like faraway echoes as the feeling of being burnt alive in an exploding X-wing took over my mind. As I was distracted, a few shots narrowly missed us. Zahara took us in for a maneuver, but not before one shot snuck in and hit the meeting of the ship’s wings to its body. This took me out of the trance for a moment and I glanced over to where the shot hit. I couldn’t see what the damage looked like from the outside, but the electrical panel beside me was sparking.

“Shit, sorry,” I apologized.

I tightened my grip on the panel to aim my next shot.

“You’re gonna get us killed, kid!” She turned us around as I re-examined my bird’s-eye radar for the ship that hit us. The closest one was about to be in range and I prepared to target it.

“Locking on,” I said, at this point, just to let her know I was wary once more. The ship came into my sights, facing away from us, just as it was locked in. I took the shot and a few blasts hit it before it also exploded.

“They’re retreating!” Zahara said out of nowhere.

“What? Really?” I checked out the radar to see that, indeed, most of the ships had turned around and were heading back to the bigger starship.

I let go of the panel, exhaling heavily and wiping the dampness off my face.

“Thank fuck,” I whispered to myself, though I’m sure Zahara heard. She turned us around, to return to the Finalizer I assumed, and I watched as the X-wings made their way back to the Resistance ship.

Waves of relief came over me as we went back our own ways. It brought me back to my original thought: why did they attack to begin with? What did they have to gain? I looked down to the radar to see our fighter and the rest of the squadron, all dots making their way back to the Finalizer. Our numbers really hadn’t shrunk, at least not by much. What was this about?

_ “Captain Artie?” _ The voice which appeared in my mind all of a sudden was familiar, but not one of the voices I had become accustomed to hearing as of late. It didn’t seem as ethereal as the others either. This was something else. The voice was that of a kind older woman’s. It couldn’t be....

“General…” my voice trailed off as I observed the fleet of X-wings entering the shield of the Resistance transport.

“What did ya say?” Zahara asked.

“Oh, nothing.”

_ “May the Force be with you.” _

A second later, the large ship jumped to hyperspace and was nowhere to be seen.

We exited the TIE fighter back onto the platform in the secondary hangar, where 9B excitedly whistled and Zahara pulled me into a strong bear hug.

“We’re definitely going for drinks now!”

“You know what, that sounds great, Zahara.”

We began making our way out of the hangar, arms on each other’s shoulders, when the door opened to reveal a squad of stormtroopers, blasters pointed at us, being led by Hux.

“Not again,” I whined quietly.


	15. Chapter 15

We found ourselves sitting in a cell, a place I didn’t think I’d be in again but I guess I should have known better than to think I had gotten myself out of this for good. Hux would never see me as a true member of the First Order. And I guess the funny thing was, he was right.

I let Zahara have the metal sheet of a bed to sleep for the night, and the next morning we were given a small meal. She was eating on the platform bed and I was sitting on the floor with my back to one wall.

“This is somehow even worse than the canteen food,” she commented, trying to stomach a piece of bread so dry that it was hard to chew until your saliva softened it.

I gave up on the bread and chucked it at the wall.

“Kylo’s coming back today, so I’ll probably be let out in a while. I’ll make sure they let you out too,” I told her. “We can both grab a good meal.”

“Hey, I appreciate that. Thanks,” she said before trying to bite into another piece of bread. “I’ve never heard anyone refer to the Commander as just Kylo. You guys must be getting close.”

Shit, I didn’t think about that.

“Well, I dunno about that.” I found myself uncomfortably playing with the fork in the tray, pushing the food around. I decided to change the subject. “What planet are you from, Zahara? Where were you born? I don’t really know that much about you.”

She roughly swallowed the piece of bread she had been chewing on and stared down at the remaining bread, a sudden lost look in her eyes. She finally put her bread down as well.

“I… I don’t actually know. I was taken from my parents at a young age to train in the Imperial academy. A lot of my memories from my younger years have been… removed from me through years of conditioning.”

“That’s… that’s awful.”

My hatred for the First Order had finally returned after too long of turning the other cheek. I needed to remember this feeling, not become complicit. Well, I could tell myself that, but it was too late to not be complicit. Killing was more than complicit. At this rate I would be another leader in the movement, alongside Kylo.

“And then I flunked the academy, so they made me a technician,” she quipped, smiling a sad smile. I was able to give a small smile, though it was also quite weak. “What about you? Where are you from?”

“Oh, uh, my family were farmers on Naboo. They were killed by the First Order for selling food rations to the Resistance. So naturally, I joined the Resistance.”

“Living dangerously, my friend. So then being here has got to really bite, considering you’re working for the people who killed them.”

“It hasn’t been all bad. I mean, it’s been pretty bad, but I haven’t killed myself to escape it just yet, so... I’ll let that speak for itself.”

I held my hand out to Force-pull the bread back to me, just so I could mindlessly throw it again. Zahara raised her eyebrows in thought, seeming to be considering my words.

“Say, Zahara, why do you stay here? You can fly a ship. You could leave, go anywhere you wanted to: Coruscant, Hosnian Prime, or maybe Tatooine would be more your style,” I chuckled, and she echoed my chuckle. “Why not leave?”

She smiled at the thought for a moment but then her eyes glanced around the room, reminding herself of the current situation. She exhaled a heavy breath.

“Where would I go? The Order is the only life I know. I wouldn’t know how to get a job out there, how to keep myself alive. Besides, every technician is needed here. It takes all the cogs to run this place.”

I felt my expression drop further and further the longer she spoke until it formed a frown. I knew she was right, leaving would be very difficult for her. I guess I had taken it for granted that I had the desire to leave. Working with the Order, you were made to feel like the Order needed you and simultaneously could crush you if it wanted to. It was like a horribly abusive relationship.

“I’m sure there’d be a place for you. People aren’t cogs. If the Resistance is managing just fine without me as a Captain, I’m sure the First Order will do just fine without you as a technician.”

“You don’t understand, Artie. They kill deserters. You wouldn’t notice the difference because you were with the Resistance, so the Order has always wanted you dead. It’s nothing new for you.”

“Zahara, are you scared?”

“I mean, of course I am. Not of this, what’s going on right now, but of the future? Absolutely.”

I suddenly felt bad for pushing her. She was sort of right. I was used to feeling this fear, she wasn’t. This was all new to her.

“Sorry for getting us in trouble.”

“It’s alright. It was kind of fun.” She finally smiled a true smile again. I returned it.

A short while later, a droid returned to pick up the trays. Perhaps twenty minutes after that, the door to the cell finally opened to reveal an officer. I was hoping Ren himself would come fetch me, but I guess this was fine. We both stood up to our feet as he entered.

“Apprentice, you are to meet with your Master in his quarters. ZH-2175, you are to return to your hangar and continue working. If, in the future, there is ever another such disturbance as what occurred yesterday, General Hux has said that he himself will see to it that you are both punished to the fullest extent of his power.”

“Understood,” I replied, bowing my head. The way he referred to Zahara by a call number made me feel cold, like the warmth of our friendly conversation had been sucked out of the room.

“Understood, officer.”

“You are both free to leave,” he said sourly, stepping away from the door.

Zahara and I both exited and made our way through the Finalizer, parting as we passed by the hangar so Zahara could get back to her tech buddies.

“See you around, kid. Let me know if you ever wanna hop on a ship and blow some things up again,” she said as she took a couple steps away from me towards the door. I chuckled at her and tiredly wiped my eyes.

“It might be a while ‘til I’m up for that again, but I will try to come find you sometime. Goodbye, Zahara.”

She waved at me, a thoughtful smirk on her face.

“May the Force be with you, I guess?” she called out before she stepped back far enough away that the door slid closed.

I shook my head as I walked off down the next hall, trying to remember my way back to the sector which was home.

I wondered if I should be fearful, if Kylo would be angry with me? I knew him and Hux didn’t exactly get along, but that didn’t mean assaulting him was a good idea considering how much power he held in the Order. It wasn’t a wise move, that’s for sure. And this all wasn’t even to mention stealing a ship to join a fight I wasn’t technically qualified to take part in. Would that anger him?

I was of another mind though, a mind that just wanted to be reunited with him. The memory of being with him, embracing him so tightly, pulling him in close, the heat and warmth emanating from every part of his body… it was all-consuming. And I was delighted by that thought. I wanted to be engulfed by him, by his secure arms and firm grip, but also by the inquisitive curiosities of his mind. Never had I ever been so filled with desire, like an itch or a thirst which asked to be felt, and demanded to be satisfied.

I arrived in our private sector desperately hoping that he had been feeling the same way and had been waiting over the past two days to reciprocate this yearning. Entering the hall, I was greeted by the sight of Kylo, helmet and cape on, making his way from my room. My head tilted in confusion as I approached him, eyeing him cautiously and trying to feel out his feelings in that moment. He turned to the sound of my footsteps and straightened his stance. I did the same as I stopped in front of him.

“I was returning your droid to your quarters. He was somewhat distressed without you,” his distorted voice explained

“I appreciate that,” I said, searching for the softness of his eyes in the darkness of his mask. “Would you like to come back in to talk?”

“No, actually, I had something else in mind.”

I gulped down hard as I tried to decipher his tone of voice. It wasn’t easy to do when he was wearing his helmet, though. It all sounded fuzzy and robotic, no matter what cadence he used.

“Come with me.” He gestured with a gloved hand.

The ship was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, or, as was the case, you could hear two sets of boots stepping through a hallway so far away from the rest of the world. The silence gave the illusion that we were the only two people in the world, normally a romantic thought but now it was terrifying. What if he had changed his mind and was upset? He could kill me and no one would be any wiser.

I was surprised to notice that we were heading towards his room. My heart began to patter at the thought of seeing his most private of spaces, a place I’m sure no one else had ever been. My thoughts raced as we approached the door and it slid open for us to step through.

My wandering eyes immediately scoured every inch of the room, and there was surprisingly a lot to see. I had almost believed that his room may actually have nothing in it, only the barest of necessities. Something about that thought had previously made sense for him in my mind.

Instead, his room was filled with books and knick knacks on shelves, probably artifacts collected from various Jedi Temple sites and observatories on his travels. A desk sat in one corner with a stack of books, one book sitting open alongside some scrolls of paper and an ink set. He had a fairly large bed which was made neatly, thanks to the fact that the droids had taken care of it and he hadn’t slept in it for two days. On one wall was an assortment of weapons, much like the ones I had seen the Knights of Ren wield when I had entered Kylo’s memories. They were clearly purely for display and had been never used, as they were clean and undamaged.

He led me through the room past all the trinkets and relics, cape billowing behind him and leading the way. We bypassed all of it, heading for a doorway off in one corner of the room. My first thought, seeing a doorway attached to a bedroom was that it was a bathroom, but I knew that couldn’t be the case purely because it was too bizarre to make sense. I noticed another door closer to the bed; that must have been the true bathroom.

We stepped through the doorway into a room which was much more sparse, but also carried some artifacts on pedestals throughout the room. It seemed to be a kind of trophy room. He led me around to the center of the room when I froze in my tracks as I laid eyes on the pedestal that sat there.

It took me a moment to realize what I was observing: it was ashy grey and looked beaten in and damaged beyond repair. It looked like it would dissolve in a sooty cloud if you even touched it the wrong way. The curved dome head was misshapen into a mushy heap, the large eye shapes were dented in like small black holes and its breathing vent had been beaten in at various points, but I had a feeling I knew exactly what it was. Still, I was too in awe to say it myself. I wanted to hear it from him.

“Kylo, is this…” I turned to look at him. He was standing in front of the item and focusing on it.

“This is where I come when I need to reconnect with the Force, with the dark side, and when I need a reminder of my true mission.”

I took a few steps around the item, still gazing at it and taking in all its strange intricacies. I couldn’t believe he kept this thing, though it made sense that he’d want to of course.

“True mission?” I repeated curiously.

“It is one that is my own, a destiny that I am to fulfill. And in order to do so, I must maintain a closeness with the dark side of the Force.”

His gaze never wavered from the sight of the artifact, staying steady and true.

_ Say it. _

“As you may have been able to surmise, this is the helmet of Darth Vader.”

His grandfather, of course.

“And what does this mission have to do with me? The Knights of Ren and myself, do we play a part in this mission?”

“Since you’re here, I’m certain you do. Perhaps this is why the Supreme Leader wanted us to work together. Perhaps there is something we can only accomplish together.”

“Perhaps...” I trailed off, becoming impatient with his vague wording. “Are you going to chastise me for my behaviour?”

He finally turned to look at me, but it only lasted a moment before he began to exit the room. I followed him back into his main bedroom, pressing the button to close the sliding door behind us. I heard the click from his unlatching helmet as he removed it and placed it down on the table at his bedside.

His dark curls were stuck to the sides of his face by the fit of his helmet and a small amount of sweat. He shook his head to separate the hair from his skin, ran a hand through it, and then turned to face me.

“First of all, are you alright? I don’t appreciate returning to hear that General Hux decided to imprison my apprentice,” he explained, removing his cape from his neck and hanging it up in a small closet which was near the table. The sound of his naked voice sounded so much warmer, so much more friendly.

I wandered around the perimeter of his bed, trying to consider whether it was appropriate or not to take a seat right now. This did sound promising: we were starting with a distaste for Hux, which I could respect. Perhaps this would go well.

“I’m fine. They treated us alright.”

“I am glad to hear that. Secondly, is it true that you, in Hux’s words, assaulted him in front of a technician and your droid?” He stepped around the bed as well, taking a few strides towards me and then standing with his arms crossed over his chest.

“I didn’t mean to,” I said defensively. “He was accusing me of being disloyal and… I don’t know what happened, I snapped.”

“Hmm, this is good.”

“This is good?”

“I mean, this situation isn’t good, but you are becoming more in touch with the dark side, giving in to your passion, your anger. This is what I seek when I feel the pull of the light.”

I rubbed the back of my neck, knowing I should feel proud but only feeling shame. Letting go didn’t feel right. I felt weird in my body, like it wasn’t mine any more.

“Thirdly, is it true that you hopped in a TIE fighter with the technician and joined a fight that was not yours?”

“You already know that it’s true, Kylo. Of course, I did. My friend, Zahara, flew the ship and I manned the weapons. We took out a few X-wings and…” My mind wandered back to the moment we were leaving the fight, when that familiar voice enter my mind and offered me comfort when I felt so dirty. “And then we returned the ship afterwards. It was only slightly damaged.”

A smirk crept its way onto his face, like he knew he shouldn’t find it funny but absolutely did. He caved and let a small laugh escape his lips.

“It was only slightly damaged,” he repeated with a last chuckle, scratching the front of his hairline and then brushing back a damp lock of hair. “I didn’t think you were the type to do such a thing.”

“Maybe this is who I am with the influence of the darkness, impulsive and reckless.”

“Well, on the positive side, Hux will probably never bother you again.”

“I wouldn’t be so certain on that. It’s like he gets off on putting me down. You should see the evil grin that appears on his face when he calls me a traitor.”

“But you are a traitor,” Kylo said casually, taking a seat on the edge of his bed.

“He doesn’t need to know that. I really don’t need to give him anything he can use against me.”

“I would never,” he said, still smirking mischievously. “You must let me teach you how to fly. Knowing that you willingly hopped in a ship to fight is… fantastic. You may have potential there.”

“I really don’t think I want to.”

He seemed slightly let down by this, but I didn’t much care. I was not going to fly.

I glanced around his room, lit very moderately, only enough to enhance all the black and grey.

“Well, would you care to sit? You look rather uncomfortable just standing there.”

I sighed and took the seat beside him. He took my hand in his still gloved hold, and placed his other hand on top of it. Then, his face looked a bit more serious.

“Do you have any ideas about what the Resistance wanted? I can’t imagine why they would pull an attack such as this.”

“I’m not sure either. I’m also not sure if they accomplished whatever they had been trying to do.” I thought back to how suddenly the attack came on, and how quickly they took off into hyperspace to leave the scene. What could they have accomplished in that short time? “I have a feeling they had a plan that they couldn’t complete. They arrived, scoped out the reinforcements and then left when they realized the odds weren’t in their favour. But what they were going to attempt, I’m not sure.”

He hummed and nodded as I ended my thoughts, turning his attention to my face now. I adored how he looked at me, like he was seeking some hidden meaning that didn’t exist because I wore it all on my sleeve so openly. I scooted closer to him.

“Perhaps with time, their motivations will become clear,” he commented.

“Yes. Perhaps.”

I watched intently as his eyes examined my expression. He appeared to be trying to say something else, his mouth hung open slightly as he was in thought. He swallowed hard before speaking.

“I… I believe Supreme Leader Snoke would like to meet with you soon. He seems to feel it is time.” 

An intense shiver ran up my spine, prickly and frigid. I could feel my eyes widen without thinking about it, and my jaw fell just a small bit. He observed me with mournful eyes, like he felt bad he had to relay this information. He knew more than I did how terrifying Snoke was, only Ren still respected Snoke as a leader while I had no such allegiances.

“Artie, would you tell me if you knew what the Resistance wanted? Would you tell me the location of the base if I were to ask?” Kylo asked all of a sudden.

“Wha-What do you mean?” I asked, turning to him defensively and pulling my hand out of his, placing it down beside me on the bed.

“I… If you tell me, Artie, I can relay the information to Snoke. He’ll get it out of you anyways.”

“Why would you do that? Won’t he question why you’re hiding me from him? I would think he would want it from me directly.”

Kylo sighed, turning away to stare at the floor in thought, eyes darting around.

“I’m sorry if you feel accused by my words. I know you must have your own plan and ideas about how you would approach the Supreme Leader, but you don’t know him like I do.”

“You know I can’t tell you about the Base, Kylo. I just… I can’t do it. As for why they were here though, I genuinely do not know,” I explained firmly, trying to brush away the chill in my bones. He nodded understandingly and exhaled once more before turning back to me again, looking down at my hands.

“Well, I hope your reasons are good ones.”

“They’re mine. That should be enough.” 

“For most in the Order, it would not be. For me, I’ll allow it, but… I suppose I just… don’t understand why you still feel loyalty to them.”

“Why do you still feel loyalty for the First Order? We’ve established that the way they treat you is pitiful,” I countered, shaking my head as I recalled his words from only a few days ago. “Why do you still care about whatever destiny Snoke tells you you have? Have you ever considered that perhaps it’s all a lie? You said yourself Snoke knows more than he lets on. It wouldn’t be out of the question for him to lie, to manipulate.”

His eyes were melancholic once more as he listened to my words, perhaps realizing I may have had a point or perhaps being disappointed that I wasn’t as indoctrinated as he’d thought.

Of course his mind had snapped back to his old thoughts. Snoke reinforced that way of thinking, Vader’s helmet reinforced it, attacks from the Resistance reinforced them as an enemy. Everything about his life served to return him to his conditioning.

“In the trophy room, you said you feel a pull towards the light, Kylo. Have you ever considered that perhaps that is for a reason? Perhaps that light is the Force speaking to you. You structure your life in order to remind yourself of why you need the darkness, but according to whom do you need it? Snoke?” I shook my head once more, harder to push the emotions of our last long conversation from my mind, pushing the desire I had felt for him away so that I could bring him back to me. “Remember a couple days ago? What did we say, Kylo? We promised each other.”

“We do what we want,” he remembered, still not looking at me to meet my eyes. Just listening with a thoughtful gaze at my hand. “I guess I… never wanted anything outside the First Order for a few years now. I don’t even know what that means. Where do I begin?”

“It isn’t meant to be easy, Kylo. That’s why we said we’d figure it out. Because it wasn’t going to happen naturally. You have to remember that whatever Snoke tells us to do, it’s all just temporary.”

His lips twitched as the tenseness in his jaw tightened and released itself. I felt like perhaps he was coming back to me, back to feeling like all that mattered was us. I reached over to his clenched fist and gently unravelled it before pulling his glove off, then his other one.

“What is it that you want? Truly?” His voice had softened like butter left out on the counter for a few hours, only it happened in seconds. I placed my hand on top of his and gripped around the space between his thumb and index finger.

I wanted to be absolutely honest with him, tell him I fully intended to leave the First Order and return to the Resistance. I tried to imagine that once more. My immediate assumption was always that I’d return to making supply runs, but when I truly thought about how my return would go, I realized my new powers and abilities wouldn’t be ignored. I would be seen as a powerful Jedi for them, now. I wanted to tell him about how returning would likely result in me training even more Force users for the Resistance, making them even stronger.

But I knew I couldn’t. Ren was not to be fully trusted just yet. There were too many moments where he still trusted Snoke to lead him on his path, towards his fate. I don’t think I believed in fate any more.

No, it was too risky that he would tell, that he - though perhaps would be unable to do so himself - would lead to my death by telling Snoke. Though I wanted to trust him as a friend and an equal, it just wouldn’t be wise to trust him that much. Instead, I thought about another plan of mine, a plan I had intended for further down the road, once the war was over. A more poetic, and idealistic desire of mine which I felt he would probably enjoy.

“Well, perhaps the thing I want the most is to return to Naboo, to my parents’ farm if it’s still there, and just enjoy the rest of my life. Perhaps I’d become a painter or a musician. I think that’d be nice.” A pleasant smile pulled onto my face as I imagined that life for myself, so far away from anything I’d known for almost the past decade of my life. I glanced up at him to catch a glimpse of a small smile creeping onto his face as well. “I could keep some animals, walk through the meadows, visit Theed to run errands but really I’m going to admire all the senators and the academics in their gorgeous, elegant clothing. I think I’d like to wear loose clothing, and drink wine. Maybe I could attend a gala or a party. That would be so... ” I trailed off sighing into a laugh, knowing how fanciful it all sounded.. “I don’t know. It’s just a fantasy, I guess.”

“N-No! No, it’s beautiful. I think that’s… really lovely,” Kylo said, holding his hands out to stop me from putting down my dream. “I wish I had fantasies like that. In my dreams, there is usually just darkness.”  
“I thought you liked the darkness, that it was your path?” This was the test, the duality within him as he struggled between his perceived destiny and and the light that pulled him from it.

He didn’t seem to want to answer that, though. He sat silently, the conflict running through his mind. He closed his eyes tightly, like trying to stop the noise. I could feel his running mind, dark battling light, fighting for dominance within him.

“I know you’re conflicted, Kylo. I can sense it,” I said, comfortingly cupping my hand on his shoulder, the thick fabric of his tunic stiff under my touch. I wanted to remind him that I was not like Snoke, I would not make him do anything he did not want to do. “You don’t have to know the answer, but now you know what I want. It’s up to you if you want the same or not. It’s a decision that you’ll have to make for yourself.”

He gulped hard, his adam’s apple bobbing with the movement. Finally, he opened his eyes and met mine once more, a glazed over and damp look to them.

“What you want is so beautiful. I… I’d like to be there with you, to see it all. The farm, and the meadow, and the city.”

“I’d love it if you joined me.” I rubbed the pads of my fingers into his shoulder in a light massage. “I don’t know when we’ll get there, but I think it’s worth trying.”

He nodded with a hum, taking my hand off his shoulder and then pulling me in close to him with a tug on my arm. It was a little too rough as he was stronger than me, but when he saw me wince, he stopped himself. I was only a few inches away from his face.

“Sorry. May… May I kiss you?”

I laughed, feeling his firm grip on my arm. He really was just learning when it came to being romantic, but I still managed to find it endearing in its own way. I was no weakling either these days, after all.

“You may,” I breathed out, looking up into his large brown eyes, feeling any previous conflict melt away until there was only resolution.

He smiled a somewhat childish smile, a flash of pure joy, before pressing his lips to mine and placing a hand on my back to hold me close. I threw my own arms around his waist, feeling his strong back muscles through his tunic, moving with his every bend. I let him choose when to pull away, and when he did, he brushed up against me so that our noses rubbed together, and then our cheeks where I could feel some slight stubble on his face scratching up mine. One of his hands lazily dragged itself along the side of my neck up to my ear.

“Your skin is so soft,” he mumbled. I moaned in thanks.

I was never very good at the complimentary, flirty talk. For him, his ignorance worked to his advantage and he didn’t really seem to think about saying things like that. I always seemed to over-think what to say. Every response seemed so silly, so forward, and yet as the seconds passed, I felt the pressure to say something.

“Maybe sometime you could feel more of it,” I tried, unsure of how the sentence would end itself. My brain was thinking about how covered my body was, as I said it; the full jumpsuit covering me from my wrists, to my neck, to my boot-covered-feet. It didn’t leave a lot for him to touch. It made sense but I still felt my face go hot, quickly realizing how forward it sounded. I didn’t have to worry too much though, as he responded shortly after,

“I’d like that.”

I sighed with relief at this before running my hands through his hair at the base of his head. Nuzzling closer to him and inhaling his scent with every breath, I relaxed into him and felt I could almost fall asleep right there.


	16. Chapter 16

The next day, Hux revealed to us that the attack from the Resistance proved to not be fruitless for the First Order: apparently on one hangar, a ship had landed and the pilot of the ship had been taken prisoner. Today we were to attend a meeting about this situation and Hux would reveal what had happened and what he and his team had discovered.

Kylo came to fetch me from my room, where I was just putting on a new cloak he had surprised me with before I left his room last night. He picked it up while he was away, but wouldn’t say where he got it. It was black, of course. I decided the cloak provided a better hood than the makeshift one from the scarf, and having a proper cape didn’t hurt either when it came to intimidating Hux and his crew. As he entered, I was adjusting how it sat off my shoulders and turned at the sound of the sliding door.

“Is it time?” I asked as he entered, holding his helmet between his arm and his side.

“Yes.”

“Oh boy. Time to meet with Hux so he can shove in our faces that he didn’t need you to perform the interrogation,” I joked, taking a few steps over to him until I could wrap my arms around his waist, one arm snaked through, above where his helmet was held.

“I think that’s secretly the whole reason for this meeting,” he commented, his distaste showing.

He reached over to place his helmet onto the bed before reaching for either side of my hood and pulling it over my head, adjusting it so that I could still peer underneath it.

“Do I look frightening? I don’t want Hux to feel too comfortable while I’m there.”

“Absolutely terrifying,” he snickered.

He placed a hand on the back of my head, pulling me in to kiss the top of my head over the cloak. When I was able to look back up to him, he looked somewhat proud of me. Perhaps because of how I had grown to have as much of a dislike for Hux as he had.

“Oh, that reminds me!”

I let go of him to jog over to the closet, reaching to the shelf on the side where my blasters were kept, and pulled out an item, holding it behind my back before I walked back over to him.

“Okay, are you ready?”

“I guess so,” he laughed with uncertainty.

I sung a little tune as I pulled out my finally finished lightsaber. His eyes widened in pleasant surprise as I revealed it to him and he took it from my hands. He held it sturdily in his large palm, admiring its build from different angles. It was mostly black with some silver-coloured metal platings placed sparsely over it.

“May I?” he asked, preparing to turn it on.

“Go right ahead,” I said, standing off to the side to give him room.

He pressed the switch and a neon green blade of light protruded from the hilt, creating the familiar buzzing sound. It was a much more stable beam than the one from Kylo’s lightsaber, forming a perfectly straight line all the way through until the beam ended in an outward curve, much more like the classic lightsabers I’d seen in holograms.

“Wow. I guess you didn’t need my help after all.” He smiled at the blade, swinging it lightly as it buzzed through the air.

“I stayed up late last night to finish it. I knew I was close.”

He turned off the saber and then handed it over to me. I latched it to my belt, finally ready to leave.

“Well, we wouldn’t want to keep our precious General waiting,” I commented, ready to face him once more.

He smiled down at me before taking his helmet from its place on the bed and placing it on its head. I took that moment to reach up and pull his hood over him, and he nodded his head to let me. Once it was over his head, he stood up to his full height.

“Let’s go.”

We entered the meeting room with a hologram already open in the center, showing a planet I had heard of but never seen before: Dagobah. All the officers in the room turned to watch us enter and make our way to the head of the table.

“General,” Kylo greeted.

“Ah, Commander. I see you and your apprentice have finally decided to join us. Any particular reason for your tardiness?”

“You called for this meeting an hour ago while my apprentice and I were training. On the positive side, you’d be impressed by her lightsaber skills, General,” Kylo invented. I could see his method here, toying with Hux, reminding him of how dangerous I could be. I tried to hide the smile that threatened to show Hux any emotion, but I’m sure at least some of it leaked out.

The officers each had a slightly different reaction to what must have seemed like a veiled threat, some freezing in place, others began fidgeting with the notes in front of them, sweating, gulping. I took my spot behind Kylo, knowing my hood was tossing a shadow over my face, covering it from the rest of the room.

“As I was saying, the Resistance fighter who is currently in our custody, after hours of intense interrogation, revealed that there is a camp of Force-training, Resistance-aligned soldiers situated on the swamp planet, Dagobah. We’d like to send out a team to wipe them out immediately.”

I exhaled heavily through my nose and shut my eyes. Another mission to kill the Resistance’s Force-using fighters, only this time I was certainly attending it.

“Problem, Apprentice?”

I opened my eyes to see every eye in the room suddenly on me, Kylo being the only one still focused forward. I could tell Hux had asked the question, not only by the whip of his voice, but also by the smug smirk on his face.

“What would make you ask that?”

“You seem distressed. Is this assignment not to your satisfaction? Or perhaps you have objections to the slaughter of your little friends in the Resistance?”

“I have no objections, Hux. Perhaps you should return to barking orders instead of trying to play psychologist.” Naturally, it was a lie that I had no objections, but his assumptions were still extremely irritating.

I hear the smallest of stifled laughs from Kylo and this attracts Hux’s attention. The look he shot at Kylo was like daggers dipped in venom. The officers in the room exchanged looks of uncertainty.

“Well?” I asked into the room, wanting to bring us back to the conversation at hand.

“This banter serves as nothing more than a distraction, General. Please remain focused,” Kylo added, chastising him. I turned my head away now to hide a laugh.

“I have asked for your ship to be prepared so that you could leave immediately,” Hux explained through gritted teeth. “Please, just go. Now!” he screamed the word, losing his usual coldness in favour of a fiery temper.

Kylo nodded and I followed him as we headed for the door of the room to leave. I shuffled up ahead, trying to keep up with his long strides. Eventually, we took the turn into the hangar where Ren’s shuttle was parked.

Stormtroopers were entering in pairs, and Kylo and I followed them aboard in much the same way. The troopers piled into the living quarters, and Kylo and I were about to head into the cockpit together when we were interrupted by a voice entering the ship behind us.

“Commander!”

Kylo and I turned to see an officer, taking long strides up the ramp. The officer saluted Kylo, then nodded at me. I observed the man: he was somewhat young, with thin blonde hair gelled back along his head underneath his officer hat, and a round pale face adorned by grey-blue eyes.

“What is it, officer?” Kylo asked him.

“General Hux has asked that I co-pilot this mission and attend as a personal assistant to you,” he explained, coughing as he glanced nervously over to me and back to Kylo quickly.

“My apprentice is my assistant. I have no need for you, officer.”

“Terribly sorry, Commander, but General Hux insisted that-”

“General Hux does not tell me how I should run my ship.” Kylo’s voice raised a little bit, showing his irritation at Hux’s interference. I watched the officer try to figure out how to deal with him, eyes manic as he considered how to handle the situation.

“Well, I am meant to attend this assignment, Commander. I will serve whatever purpose you wish for me.”

This is where I began to feel suspicious of the officer. I could understand feeling nervous around Kylo Ren, but if Kylo does not want him aboard and has no intention to put him to use, why does he still want to come aboard?

“If you really must join, you will stay with the stormtroopers.”

“Understood, Commander.”

“What is your name, officer?” I asked him interrogatively.

“Oh, Sal. Officer Sal.” He seemed surprised that I’d spoken to him.

“Well, welcome aboard Officer Sal.”

“Much obliged, Apprentice,” he said with a tip of his hat.

I offered him a weak smile as he strode over to the living quarters and the door shut. Kylo and I turned to enter the cockpit and take our seats. He started up the engines.

“I don’t trust that officer,” I said to him, watching him push some buttons and move some levers.

“Nor do I. Hux knows full well I don’t need officers for a mission like this.”

“Well then, it seems that Hux is up to something. Good thing for us he’s sloppy.”

“I agree. However, Hux is rarely so sloppy. Keep an eye out, there may be more here than meets the eye. Good intuition, my apprentice.”

It was somewhat funny to me how quickly he could go back to playing the teacher and refer to me as his apprentice once more. It was as if he forgot himself for a moment, but corrected himself shortly after.

“Artie. Sorry.”

“Hey, old habits, right?” I said, brushing it off as best as I could.

“It’s the helmet, I think. It puts me in a certain mindset.”

“Yeah, it’s totally fine. I get it.”

I could see him brushing his fingers anxiously back and forth along the controls. He felt bad about it.

“Really, it’s fine Kylo. It’s actually a good habit for you to be in. Better you call me Apprentice than to accidentally call me by my name in front of Hux.”

He just stared ahead as he took us off, inputing the coordinates and then starting our ride through hyperspace. Once we were on our cruising speed, I stood up from my seat to stretch and watched him staring ahead. He must have been in thought.

I had to wonder what was going through his mind, if he was still sitting there feeling bad about himself. Perhaps that was a bit self-centered, to think that what bothered him was anything that had to do with me. He was probably over it by now; I didn’t think calling me Apprentice would bother him that much. Besides, as if there weren’t enough other bad things going on that could be pestering him instead. I didn’t feel any emotions coming off of him, whether because he was hiding them on purpose or because he was feeling numb I couldn’t know. I still felt the urge to comfort him, for whatever he may have been feeling and thinking.

As I sat back down, I held a hand across the way to his seat for him to take. Without looking over, he reached a hand across to take it. His grip was barely there, and his mind was clearly still somewhere else.

“If you have something you want to talk about, Kylo, I’m here. No pressure, I just… I just want you to know that.”

I knew that saying that probably wouldn’t spur him on to speak right in that moment, but it still felt appropriate to say.

After a few moments of silence, he sent a message out to the Knights of Ren before returning to his flightpath.

We arrived on Dagobah a short ways away from where the camp was supposed to be, based on the coordinates Hux received from the captured Resistance fighter. Flying over it, however, there was no sign that anything was hiding below the canopy of mossy tree branches and fog. Not even the lights of candles were visible through the fog.

“It’s odd, usually you can still see light through fog. The mist isn’t that thick over the area right now,” I commented, standing up from the co-pilot chair and approaching the windshield to examine the environment.

The landscape was grey with steel blues and greens, swampy wetlands covering the entire planet.

“Perhaps the camp is asleep. Although, something does feel… off,” Kylo responded. “We’ll scout out the camp without the troopers first.”

“Sounds good.”

We entered the living quarters to explain to the stormtroopers the situation and to tell them to wait on the ship.

“I must come along,” Officer Sal said, standing up from a seat at the small table in the room.

“No, my apprentice and I should go alone. We are most likely to survive if something goes wrong. You must stay back in case we return needing reinforcements, or in case of an ambush,” Kylo explained, his voice raising once more. Even I was getting irritated by this officer thinking he could take control of the mission.

“But General Hux said that I am to follow you on the mission. I do not rank amongst the stormtroopers.”

I could practically see some of the troopers rolling their eyes behind their helmets at that statement.

“Hux is not the Commander of this mission,” I commented, crossing my arms and narrowing my eyes at him.

“It’s just what I was told, ma’am,” he responded softly.

I looked over to Kylo who had his gaze still firmly planted on the officer. I could feel him projecting some thoughts a bit more than usual. I tried to interpret the projections but they were quite vague. I could feel the fire building in the pit of his stomach, but there was more. He was trying to smother that flame, trying to reach out and feel some of my calmness. I wish I had more to give him, but I myself was feeling some irritation with Sal. I tried to share the little I could.

“Fine. But you will remain behind us, and stay out of the way,” Kylo growled through gritted teeth.

Sal gulped audibly, felt for his pistol in its holster and then stepped towards us.

“Let’s just get this done with quickly,” I suggested, leading the small scouting team out of the room.

We exited the ship and began heading in the direction that the camp was meant to be in, stepping around small, muddy ponds, over thick tree roots covered in moss, and through the thin layers of fog which covered it all. We walked for perhaps a half hour before arriving close enough to our coordinates that we could see a clearing up ahead.

Kylo held a hand up to grab our attention and to tell us to be alert. He crept up behind one tree, so I moved to another on the other side of the entrance to the clearing. Sal, clearly not used to stealth or field missions, scurried over to a tree near me. We slowly moved closer, cover by cover, tree by tree, stopping to check for any sounds or movements after each move.

I glanced around the closest tree I could make it to and saw… nothing. The clearing looked just like every other part of the swamp. I found myself biting the inside of my lip as I examined the space. I made eye contact with Kylo who glanced over at me before stepping away from the cover and entering the clearing.

“Stay here,” I said to Sal, holding a hand out in front of him. He nodded nervously, the whites of his eyes visible along the entire edge of his irises.

I took my lightsaber from my waist and held it down at my side before following Kylo into the clearing, taking cautious steps and keeping my knees bent. Despite the careful nature of his and my movements, it seemed pointless as I couldn’t sense a single living thing around us except for the trees and moss. I approached Ren, who was still making his way through the space.

“There isn't anything here, is there?” I whispered to him.

He froze for a moment, and then his posture changed. He stood up straight and turned around, examining every side of the clearing. Then he looked down at me.

“There is nothing,” he agreed. I returned my lightsaber to the clip on my belt and looked around the clearing as well. I spied Sal watching us, trying to figure out what was going on.

“What does this mean? Did Hux get the coordinates wrong? Or maybe the planet wrong?” I asked, thinking aloud and scratching the back of my head.

Kylo didn’t speak, he just shook his head. Sal entered the clearing, but kept a distance from the two of us.

We continued making a round of the clearing. I followed another pond around until I came across a hut, but not a hut fit for Jedi apprentices. The hut was rather small for most creatures to use and it was attached to the side of a large tree, which had roots and branches growing over it. I walked over to it and laid a hand on the smooth surface. It seemed to be made out of dried clay or mud. I found a window on one side of it and peered inside. A small room was visible, with a simple bed, a small cauldron to cook in and cloths covering the windows from the inside, but it was otherwise empty.

I had a strange feeling about this hut, but it was one I couldn’t quite place. I wondered who had lived here before, but I had no way of knowing. The feeling was surprisingly happy for a place as drab as this, like the little sparks of hope I would get when I managed to get new recruits on certain supply runs, or save civilians from battle torn places and rehouse them. It was rare that those kinds of things happened on missions, but when they did they made me feel like I had done something right, like I helped change someone’s life that day.

_ “Captain?” _ A youthful voice asked in my mind, stopping me in my tracks. I had gotten used to hearing many different voices in my head over the past month or so, but this one wasn’t one I recognized.

I glanced over to Kylo to see if he noticed what was happening to me as I stood near this hut. After his initial observation of it, he turned away and began examining some of the nearby trees and stumps, which were larger and could be hiding secrets, though I doubted they did.

_ “Captain Artemis?” _

“Who are you?” I whispered towards the hut and the tree, my hand still resting atop the dome.

_ “I’m you.” _

A chill ran up my spine, creating a strange twinge in my brain, right where the back of my head met my neck.

“What do you mean?” I asked, nervous that Kylo would hear me and demand I stop. This feeling inside told me that this wasn’t the dark side that I was feeling at this very moment.

_ “I’m you. A younger you, but you none the less.” _

“How-How old?”

_ “Is that really your first question?” _ she asked me sassily. I took that to mean that it was likely teenage me, perhaps soon after I joined the Resistance when I still had the spunky energy brought on by the loss of my family fresh in my mind. I was a bit more revenge driven back then, admittedly. I had to wonder if losing that quality was part of what made General Organa feel that I was mature enough to learn to use the Force.

“What is this about? I may not have much time.”

She was quiet for a moment.

_ “I never thought I’d see the day I sported the colours of the First Order.” _ It was the type of thing I was used to hearing from the voices, only the tone was so different this time. It wasn’t attacking me, or calling me a traitor. Instead, it was spoken softly, slightly disappointed but with a touch of understanding.

“I’ll assume you know why I’m here and you’re only saying this to make a point.”

_ “I understand why you ended up here. I guess I’m glad to see that even in a situation as dire as this, my goal is still to return to the Resistance.” _

“We never were one to trade off our morals.”

_ “No, we weren’t. I’m glad that hasn’t changed.” _ The more I heard her speak, the more I could hear my own inflections in her voice, though hers was slightly higher. My voice had definitely deeped a little bit over the years.  _ “I’m just here to remind you of who we once were. I assume you remember me?” _

I chuckled as quietly as possible. “I remember you were a little bit reckless. But you were still learning, so that’s okay. We’re still here after all.”

_ “Yeah. How things come full circle, eh?” _

“What do you mean?”

_ “Choking Hux? Nice move. I approve of it, but it wasn’t the smartest thing was it?” _

“No, I probably shouldn’t have done that. But I’d say killing Resistance fighters is still worse and I have done that. Even worse, the killings were premeditated: I knew I would have to kill. Attacking Hux was an accident, it happened in the moment.”

_ “Yeah. That is pretty awful.” _

“Yeah.” I glanced back at Kylo once more; he was still examining the other side of the clearing. I was surprised he had been kept busy this long. I was still trying to figure out why this was happening right now. What was it about this place? This hut? This planet? “There aren’t any Resistance camps out here, are there? I’m so glad. I really didn’t want to hurt anyone today.” I licked my lips. “I’ve let you down, haven’t I? I’ve let myself down.”

_ “Well, yeah. Of course. But you knew you were going to have to do this stuff when you decided to take on this role. Why did you take it?” _

“Because I was selfish. I wanted to live. I was afraid of death.”

_ “Who isn’t? That’s a very normal feeling. So why haven’t you left yet? Why are you still here? You’ve had chances to leave.” _

I turned back once more to see where Sal was; he was still fumbling around near the entrance, trying to look like he was doing something important. Then, I closed my eyes tightly, letting images and colours dance on the inside of my eyelids until I could almost see her form.

“You already know the answers to these questions, don’t you?”

_ “Of course, though I would like to hear you say it.” _

“I’m scared the officer will hear. I don’t trust him.”

_ “You don’t have to worry about him. No one can hear the conversation we’re having right now.” _

“Really?” I guess that made sense. They’d left me alone for quite a while, practically ignoring me for the past few minutes while I had this discussion. So then, where and how was this happening? Was it all inside my head? Or was it like an illusion, blocking it from the sight of Kylo and Sal.

_ “So, come on then. Why are we staying here and fighting for them when we could have been long gone by now? When we could have had or made an opportunity to leave multiple times? Is it because we’ve let our big heart get in the way of what we’re supposed to be doing? Again?” _

“I believe I can change him. Perhaps foolishly, but I want to try.”

_ “And? There’s something else,” _ her knowing voice teased.

I took in a deep breath, feeling energy pooling underneath my hand from the hut. I was nervous all of a sudden, but a sense of calm still kept me together. I felt good about what I was about to say; I felt certain.

“And I’ve developed feelings for him.”

She hummed in return, sounding like it was rather provocative, which I suppose it was. 

“So there. There it is. What do I do with this? How do I leave without him? How do I leave with him? I’d like to leave with him.”

_ “Mmm, the Naboo plan, huh?” _

“Yeah. I feel bad though. I don’t know when I’ll get to Naboo. That’s one big thing that’s enticing him to side with me and it’s not something I wanted to do until after the war was over.”

_ “And if it’s never over? Or at least not in your lifetime?” _

“I don’t know. I try not to think about that.”

_ “So, why not do both?” _

“Both? What do you mean? Work for the Resistance from Naboo somehow?”

_ “Sure, why not?” _

“You make it all sound so simple. I guess I could become a supplier: start a farm, grow food rations for them.”

_ “Sounds nice to me.” _

“I guess I could. But what if the First Order found me there? Or if the Resistance wants me to teach new Jedi? I have duties.”

_ “We also have our own life to live. Never forget, you’re a fucking captain. You do whatever you want.” _

“That’s definitely not what being a captain means.”

_ “Look, I’m not gonna tell you how we should get through this, I’m just saying our happiness matters. I guess that’s all this was really about. Don’t feel bad about wanting to be your own person, away from the war. You do your part, and then you retire when it feels right. Otherwise, how are we really different from Zahara? I know you like to use her situation to make you feel good about yourself.” _

I despised how right she was about that.

“But, General Organa has been fighting her whole life. I don’t want to let her down-”

_ “We can’t all be like Leia Organa. She’s a Skywalker, she has the blood of Queens and Jedi Masters in her veins. We need to live our own life, Artie.” _

“You’re right,” I sighed. “I don’t know what to do with that advice, but you are right.”

_ “My advice is that you should leave as soon as possible, with or without Ren. You wanna try to stop him, that’s up to you. The longer you stay here, the more time you give them to discover where you want to flee to and what you intend to do there. Or, on the flip side, the more you’ll find yourself in too deep to leave and you’ll end up just staying here forever and you’ll be unhappy.” _

“Geez, you’re right. I don’t want that to happen.”

_ “I trust you won’t let it. But that’s all I’m here to say for now, Artie. Please leave soon.” _

“Oh, that’s it? You’re leaving?”

_ “Yeah, I’ve already taken too much time out of your mission. Besides, your boyfriend is looking for you.” _

“He’s what?” I asked, opening my eyes and turning around to face the clearing.

“Artie? Where did you end up?” his voice was calling out into the swamp.

“I’m here!” I called out, not able to see him through the trees.

_ “This is where I leave you. Good luck, may the Force be with you. Hopefully we’ll see each other on Naboo some day.” _

“Wait!”

Then I saw Kylo emerge from a pathway between a few trees.

“Artie, why are you still here? Come on, let’s head back to the ship now.”

“Right,” I replied, turning back to the hut one more time while taking a few steps away from it, fidgeting with my gloved hand which had previously been laying atop it.

“Are you alright?” he asked, holding a hand over to me and approaching slowly.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” I was sure my tone of voice wasn’t the most convincing.

“You have a strange energy about you. I’ve never sensed anything like it.”

I shook my head, thinking of how to make him let it go for now. “I-I’m fine. Let’s just get out of this swamp.”

I stomped past him, desperate to get out of this place. I saw Sal arrive at the entrance to the clearing just as I did.

“Oh, Apprentice, we’ve been looking all over-” he began before noticing Kylo a couple paces behind me. “Ah, you found her Commander. Fantastic. Let’s return.”


	17. Chapter 17

We made the walk back to the ship where Kylo and Sal explained to the stormtroopers what was going on. Then Kylo and I returned to the cockpit as we prepared to leave.

“Well, that was a colossal waste of time. What do we tell Hux?”

“That he should continue letting me interrogate our prisoners. Clearly his methods are ineffective.”

“Clearly,” I repeated.

The ship took off and was set on its course before he spoke again.

“Do you not want to talk about whatever happened back there, near the hut?”

“It’s not important.”

“It sure seems important. You feel off. Are you… worried? About something?”

“I mean, I’m always worried about something. That’s kind of a vague question.”

“About something that happened at that hut,” he repeated again irritatedly, the obvious context of the question.

“No. No, nothing.”

He is quiet for a few seconds.

“You had a vision, didn’t you? You experienced something bizarre, unusual.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you about it later. I need to mull it over.” I was slightly annoyed that his experience with the Force meant he was so often able to see through me. He knew what the Force was capable of; all he needed to do was run through the list of things it could do and then pick out the one that seemed most likely. “Let’s head back to the Finalizer for now. We could spend some time together before we deal with Hux.”

He looks over at me, then double takes. With his helmet on, I can’t imagine what is going through his mind. His grip on the controls is tense, I noticed. All of a sudden, he stood up and placed the ship on autopilot.

“What? What is it?” I asked confoundedly.

“Come with me.”

“Why? Where are we going?”

“Take a guess; there aren’t that many places to go on the ship. Just come along,” he ushered, moving towards the open door and glancing outside of it towards the living quarters.

I stood up and made my way over to the door with him. I noticed that the door to the living quarters was closed, then Kylo gestured for me to follow him to his room, holding out a hand for me to take, which I did. He led me over and, once we were inside the room, locked the door and removed his mask, placing it on the small desk in the room. Still unsure of where he was going with this, I assumed he was still on the previous conversation and went back into my defensive retorts.

“Really, Kylo, nothing happened at the hut. I’m fine, I-”

But I was interrupted by him placing his hands on either side of my face and roughly pulling me in for his lips to collide with mine. In shock, I held my hands out to either side of me, not touching him for a moment.

“I… just can’t… stop thinking... about this,” he said in breaths between kisses, his long nose brushing alongside my own shorter, rounder one.

I tried to return his movements, but the very thing I was lying to him about was still on my mind due mainly to the fact that this had begun so suddenly. He led me to the bed, forcing me to take awkward steps backwards until I tripped back onto it, causing us to separate. As I looked up at his commanding figure while he took off his gloves and cloak, tossing them to the floor, I was mostly questioning how far I could let this go. I wanted so much of this.

He climbed onto the bed, kneeling over my body and leaning over me to continue the kiss. A warm tension was building at the meeting of my thighs as I felt warm breaths escaping his nose and running down my face. His hands moved to my sides, slightly lifting up the grey shirt that I was wearing under my armour, his thumb and large palm pressing into my waist. Next thing I knew, his tongue had made its way into my mouth. I began melding my lips into him, letting my tongue play with his, trying to ensure that I was returning what he was giving because I wanted so badly for him to know that I wanted him. I really, really wanted him.

The heat in my cheeks was growing, causing my face to feel like it was absolutely burning up. His weight over top of me was oddly comfortable - comforting - especially with his size, enveloping me in warmth on all sides of my body. His mouth left mine, causing me to accidentally moan into the air as my breath left me with no mouth to land in. He then pulled my cloak and armour off of me - I lifted my head and torso off the pillow to help him do so - before his slightly dry but otherwise gentle lips pressed themselves against the side of my chin and then down to my jawline.

His hands moved from my waist over to my arms, moving them up by my head on either side of me, my elbows at a near ninety degree angle. He held down my forearms as his lips started to work their way down my neck, spending some time at each spot they chose in order to suck and nibble on the skin. Soft moans escaped my lips as the sensitive skin was stimulated, the nerves being brought to life. His knee, placed firmly against the bed on the outside of my leg, kept rubbing against my thigh and sending little tingles up my body, causing my pelvis to twitch with anticipation.

“Kylo…” I breathed. He moaned in response to that, the gentle sound coming out of him was such a contrast to his usual domineering, demanding voice. “I want you. I want all of you, so much.”

His grip on my forearms tightens, pressing me into the firm mattress below us. He left some more gentle bites along my lower neck, giving me an eyeful of his dark wavy hair and earning some more moans from me. Then, he pulled away for a moment, meeting eyes with me: soft, brown, large eyes looking down on me like perhaps he was terrified I would disappear at any moment. One of his hands wandered down my forearm, along my bicep and then made its way down to my sides once more. He licked his lips nervously as he began pulling the shirt up.

I wanted so badly to let him do it so that I could feel his touch on my bare skin, feel his whole body press against mine, feel him resolve the burning tension inside me. I just wanted us to be entwined in one another until we couldn’t tell where one of us ended and the other began. But my mind was still elsewhere, and as soon as he pulled away, removing me from all the movement and the urgency, the thoughts just returned back, flooding my mind.

Before he could get the shirt over my breasts, I placed a hand onto his bicep to stop him and gain his eye contact once more. He glanced up at me under the hair falling in his face, looking a bit off-put.

“What? What is it?” he questions.

“I’m sorry, I… I really want to. I do. I want to so badly, but…” I licked my lips this time, looking him up and down as I tried to find a good reason to stop this.

“It’s about the vision, isn’t it?”

I knew he hadn’t given up on that, but bringing it up now felt so stubborn of him.

“No, it’s just… that Officer, Sal. He’s in the other room; I just don’t trust him. Not to mention all the stormtroopers. We really don’t need any of them to… hear us.”

He continued to watch me, his lips swollen and his eyes glassy. I think he knew I was right but didn’t want to admit it. Either way, he sat up, removing his weight from me and giving me room to scoot backwards and sit up as well. I tried to gather my thoughts, and get my breathing under control as I shifted my shirt back into its proper place.

“Is there another reason?” he asked curiously.

I thought back on what the younger me had said about getting out of here and wondered for a moment about how long I could stay. I still had a strong desire to ensure that he could somehow remain a part of this future, though I didn’t have a plan on how to do so. For now, I opted to play the emotional card.

“Are you still interested in my plan to return to Naboo?”

His brows furrowed and he seemed confused about how this related to the question.

“Interested? Sure.” His voice wasn’t as certain as his words tried to be.

“I just… I guess I am a bit scared that-that we’ll do this and then we’ll have to part ways.” My voice got quiet as I explained, slowly realizing there was some truth in the words. “I would love it if you came with me, and the memory of this time together would… I feel it would hurt more than if I left without such thoughts. So, if you want to come to Naboo with me, then we totally can do it. Soon even. Just not right now.”

“I want to come to Naboo, I really do,” he commented, crawling towards me on the bed, between my legs, and placing his hands on my knees. “I… It bothers me that I can’t promise anything, and I can’t promise when it would happen, but I really want to.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that you want to join me, but it doesn’t mean much without any action.”

His hands moved up along my thighs, giving the gentlest squeeze of the flesh there and creating a maddening urge in my loins which I had to ignore as well as I could. I knew he could sense the effect he was having on me as the smallest smirk appeared on his face.

“I-I’ll do something about it.”

“Please do, Kylo. Join me.” I took his hands from my thighs to intwine his fingers in mine. “It’ll be so peaceful there. We’ll-we’ll go to parties, and cook delicious meals. I could learn how to sing and-and I’ll sing for you. I’ve always wanted to learn how to sing properly.” Admittedly, I was laying it on a bit thick but there was still so much truth in it.

“So, how can we get there?” he asked aloud, eyeing the meeting of our hands.

“I don’t know. One thought I had was perhaps if the Finalizer is attacked once more, we could hop in a TIE fighter and fly to the closest planet. Then we make sure we have enough fuel to get to Naboo. But I feel like it’s too risky. The best thing would be to fake my death. But it would be difficult enough just faking my own. I think Snoke and Hux would find it really hard to believe that you had died unless something really extreme happened.”

“It would be rather difficult to pull off, and they would notice a missing TIE fighter fairly quickly,” he agreed. I could see the thoughts running through his mind as I observed his distracted eyes. “Perhaps we don’t need to wait for another attack. Is there any reason we could use to visit? It wouldn’t be permanent, but it would at least give us an excuse to go. We could pretend it was to take care of suppliers.”

“We could.” I ran through the idea in my mind, trying to consider the likelihood of its success and how it could realistically go down. “My concern is that if we visit my home now, and if Hux somehow discovers that Naboo was my home, they would immediately assume that it’s where I went the moment I disappeared from the Order. It would become the first place they’d look. It’d probably be better if we didn’t give them a reason to suspect it.”

His hands fell from mine to the bed, on either side of me, and he wrapped his arms around my back, worming them between me and the bed. He laid himself lower against my body so that he could nuzzle his head atop my chest. I brought a hand to the back of his head and began comfortingly running my fingers through his long, dark locks.

“You’re right,” he exhaled thoughtfully. “Unless we did fake our deaths. Then we could go wherever we wanted.”

“How the hell would we do that? I don’t know where we would begin, unless we had someone who could report the deaths to the Order for us perhaps?”

I combed through his hair as we shared a silent moment of thought. He broke the silence.

“What about your friend, the technician?” he suggested.

“I don’t know,” I murmured, trying to consider her personality with as critical of an eye as I could. “I feel like she’s still too loyal to the Order to be fully trusted.”

And that’s when it occurred to me just how seriously he was taking this. He was talking like he wanted to leave for good. As much joy as I felt in that moment, I also held so many concerns, that he could change his mind, that he still believed in his destiny and anything else that Snoke had fed him.

“You’re really serious about all this, Kylo?”

“Of course.” His voice was rather childlike in that moment, sounding like his intentions were obvious: of course he wanted to leave, of course he wanted to come with me.

“And if the Order discovered the location of Skywalker? You wouldn’t want to be there to deal with your old master yourself?” I questioned him.

“I would want to, but I would much prefer to be with you, I think.”

“You think?”  
“I… I’m not used to wanting a future, I’m used to having a destiny. But, if I’ve ever truly wanted anything, this would be it.”

I patted down his hair against his head now, still keeping the same soothing tempo. I tried to hide it, but I was a little choked up inside at hearing how much of my desire for him was reciprocated, my chest welling at his words. They were so genuine, no sign of the anger or commanding roar I knew him by when I first met him. He wasn’t like Commander Kylo Ren in that moment, he was just like… a boy. An idealistic boy who didn’t want a duty, he just wanted a life. And that suited me perfectly.

“Wow. That makes me so happy, Ben.”

I didn’t mean to say it, it was a slip of the tongue, but I had to realize how apropos it was. I felt like I was seeing his soul in that moment, a deeper part of him that was finally able to have dreams of his own and a life only he could live. I knew it could be lost in a moment, so I had to hold onto it as long as possible.

He froze in my arms, feeling stiff instead of melting into the flat of my chest as he had previously. It only lasted a few seconds, however, before he shifted and let his cheek squish against the flat of my chest once more. I continued the patting motion.

“I’m sorry, is… is it weird that I called you that? I didn’t mean to say it.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I… I think I actually like that. It felt nice. I just… didn’t expect it.”

“Well, I guess I’m glad then,” I said, releasing a small chuckle.

All of a sudden, a knock was heard at the door to the room, causing Kylo to prop himself up off of me and I sat up once more.

“Commander? Apprentice? Are either of you there? General Hux is on the hologram and would like to chat with you.”

“Fuck,” I whispered, feeling my breathing grow heavy. I felt frozen to the spot, but to my luck Kylo was not and began shuffling around the room, sorting through the cloaks and throwing one at me, taking his gloves, then tossing my armour over to me as well. I replaced my armour, then began working my cloak over my head. “Say something to him!”

“One moment, officer,” he called out. His face cringed as he turned back to me; we both knew how this sounded and appeared.

I tried to come up with a reason why we may have needed privacy, hoping Kylo would come up with a better one.

Once I had flattened out my hair and Kylo had replaced his helmet, he unlocked the door, revealing Officer Sal. Sal looked bewildered as the door opened to reveal the both of us standing in the relatively dim, small bedroom. He flusteredly began fumbling over some words, adjusting his collar.

“Any particular reason why you interrupted our training, Officer?” I asked, trying to make my annoyance heard through my tone of voice. I had to congratulate myself on that cover up.

“Uh, yes. General Hux is on the holopad, I just said that,” he repeated.

Kylo turned to look at me, as if to compound Sal’s words telling me the obvious, before he responded,

“Right. Well, I would like to discuss this situation with the General so I’m glad he called.”

“Well, I called him actually, to update him on the mission.”

Kylo stepped past him as he continued speaking, as if he had better things to do. I briefly made eye contact with Sal, still wondering what exactly his angle was. His gaze seemed curious, like he wasn’t sure why I was looking at him. It felt like it was all part of an act.

I strode past him, following Kylo over to the cockpit where he had activated the ship’s main hologram projector. A lifesize projection of Hux from the waist up stood in front of the windshield and Kylo had already begun an argument with him.

“There was nothing! The swamp was empty!” he yelled at the holo-Hux, slamming a fist down on the console.

I decided to stand back, against the back wall of the cockpit.

“I don’t understand, the Resistance scum said Dagobah. Those are the correct coordinates,” Hux panicked, his mouth held open with disgust.

“They cannot be the correct coordinates if there is nothing there! No one! No camp! No Jedi padawans!”

“I will deal with this liar myself, if I need to torture him to get the truth out.”

“No! You will do no such thing! You have failed, Hux! I will interrogate him myself because you cannot be trusted to do so, and I think Snoke will agree with me on this.”

The look on Hux’s face was annoyed and in utter defeat. He cut off the connection right then, though the conversation didn’t really feel over. Kylo hung his head tiredly for a moment, then turned back to face me, probably sensing my presence as I had kind of snuck into the room. I offered a glance of exasperation before returning to my seat.

When we arrived back, Kylo and I immediately were sent to the interrogation room, where the prisoner had been moved to. Officer Sal had walked us there, and left us in front of the door.

“I must meet with General Hux. I’ll be in touch with you both again soon,” he said, leaving us alone in the hallway.

Kylo met eyes with me before solemnly entering the room. I had no desire to hear him performing his interrogation and refused to even glance over into the room. I headed back to our sector of the ship instead.

I was about to head down the hallway into my room, but I stopped at the intersection of halls and glanced towards the door to his room for a moment. The interrogation probably wouldn’t take too long, and I did want an opportunity to speak to him about whatever he may discover before I fell asleep for the evening.

I decided to head towards it, the sound of the steps from my boots hitting the metallic floors felt amplified. The door opened for me, revealing the room lit only by a couple lights stationed at various points: at his reading desk, at his small dining table, and near the doors to his bathroom and trophy room. It cast shadows off of me as I moved through the space, taking a seat at the edge of his bed.

I felt a bit weird about making myself so comfortable in his room when he wasn’t around, but our previous conversation led me to believe he wouldn’t have minded and would probably find it a nice surprise.

I pulled my boots off to let my feet and legs stretch out and put the shoes to the side. Then I removed my gloves, armour, belt and cloak, anything that restricted my movement. Leaning on his bed, propping myself up by my arms, I glanced around the room once more to observe the weapons on the wall. Then my attention moved to the books on the shelves surrounding his desk. I hopped up to approach the shelves, deciding to examine what he was interested in reading about.

Many of them were about the Force and those who used it throughout the years, I noticed as I pulled a few out of the shelves to read the titles before pushing them back into their places. Some others were about the history of the Jedi and the Sith over the centuries and millennia past. I pulled one of these out. It seemed to be focused on the era of the Galactic Republic and the Clone Wars. I read a couple pages, but it was mostly about the politics of how the Republic was brought down. Maybe if I had time on Naboo, I’d care more for the diplomatic side of politics and would properly read a book like this. The times were so different now. Once the Resistance had fully protected the New Republic from the First Order, then I’d concern myself with politicians and monarchies.

I replaced the book and meandered back over to the large bed, rolling onto it and letting my head sink into one of the pillows. I looked to the empty space beside me for a moment, lamenting that it was so. His bed was so comfortable; it smelled like him and the blankets were soft and comforting, so plush that they enveloped me from where I laid atop them.

I waited for a while, my drowsy eyes threatening to close for a few minutes before my sleepiness took over me, lulling me into a slumber before I could be too bothered to fight it.

I was awoken some time later by the sound of the door to the room opening. For a moment, I forgot where I was and looked around in confusion before glancing over at the door to see his silhouette blocking out the light from the hallway. He was holding his helmet between his arm and hip as his other hand ran itself through his hair, as he often did when he had just removed his helmet and wanted to separate the sweaty hair from itself. He took a few strides into the room before stopping, which I took to mean he had probably noticed me by now.

I rubbed at some of the sleep in my eyes, also using the hand to block out the light entering in from the hallway until he’d moved far enough from the door that it closed.

“What are you doing here?” he asked calmly, placing his helmet down at his desk and walking over to the bed.

“I wanted to know what you discovered before I fell asleep, but I guess sleep found me first,” I chuckled tiredly.

As he sat on the other side of the bed, removing his boots and cloak, the dim lighting of the room highlighted his features in a dramatic chiaroscuro fashion. He sat himself farther onto the bed, then laid back and turned onto his side, facing me. His expression was a tired and thoughtful one.

“Are you okay?” I asked him, rolling onto my side and propping my head up with my arm. He was avoiding eye contact, letting his gaze fall to the surface of the bed. “Did… did you kill him?”

“No, no I didn’t kill him.” He sounded defensive that I had assumed it.

“I’m glad to hear that.” I brought a hand up to his face and cupped his cheek, thumbing gently over his skin. “Do you want to talk about what you discovered?”

“I know why they ambushed the Finalizer,” he said, still calm and quiet. I thought he would have been excited to discover the truth; this wasn’t what I had expected from him at all.

“Why did they do it?”

He placed his hand over mine, still against his face.

“They were looking for you. It was supposed to be a rescue mission.”

I froze for a moment as I took in what he was saying. I thought back to the day the ambush happened, remembering and taking myself through my actions.

“Oh my stars… they came to rescue me, and I hopped in a TIE fighter and fought them. I killed some of them.” I spoke as I realized it. “They must have somehow realized they couldn’t succeed and then left.” I recalled General Organa, her wise old voice coming through to me; she must have sensed me in the fighter and pulled back because of it.

I pulled my hand out from under his and covered my mouth, in shock and in thought. What have I done?  
“That was my chance. I could have been out of here. I fucked it up.” My voice broke as I held in the cry that wanted to escape it. Hearing this, Kylo shifted closer to me and put an arm over my upper back, holding me close to him. I leaned my head against his shoulder as a tear managed to roll down from my eye, wetting his tunic.

Part of me felt my heart breaking as I realized what I could have had, but the bigger part of me knew that if I had left then, that would have been the end of Kylo and I. Even though leaving was what part of me wanted, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. I didn’t think I ever would be, at this point. I could only hope that after our earlier conversation, we had an understanding that this truly was what we both wanted and we would go to extreme lengths to ensure that this happens.

“I’m sorry, Artie. But it’s not your fault, you didn’t know.” He sounded so comforting in a way I had never heard from him before. He genuinely felt awful for me, I realized. He knew what this meant to me, and he knew how few opportunities I would get to do this. I’m sure he was also the slightest bit happy that I was still here though.

I wrapped my arm under his and around his back, snuggling into his large frame.

“They must think I’m against them now. What if they don’t try again because they think I’m against them, that I’ve turned to the Order and I’m not worth saving?”

His hand soothingly patted along my back as he softly murmured, “I have a hunch. I don’t think they’ve given up on you yet.”

Another tear dripped down my cheek, getting absorbed by the thick fabric of his tunic, which I was laying into.

“What hunch?” I questioned breathily as my tight throat felt like it was threatening to close in response to these emotions. My throat had become sore all of a sudden, I didn’t really want to speak too much.

“He didn’t know about any training camps, he lied to Hux. He did, however, know about another attack. They plan to ambush Starkiller Base. I don’t think they believe they can take it down yet, however; a wise note on their part, as they most certainly would not be able to destroy it with their current weapons and capabilities. I believe they are still seeking a map to Skywalker and perhaps believe we have acquired it, or a hint to where it is.”

“Why would they think that? Does the First Order have such a map?”

“Well, we have a part of a map. It contains the locations of old Jedi temples, which leads us to believe that it likely leads to a particular temple where Skywalker may have hid himself. Only the integral part of the map, showing his likely location, is missing. It was like this when we recovered it from the Empire’s archives. The Empire probably just never finished building the map.”

“But it’s likely that he’s hiding somewhere in the missing space. So, even if they get this map, they’ll be no closer than the First Order is,” I thought aloud.

“Not without the missing piece, which I find it doubtful that they have.”

This brought on yet another realization, that I was the only one who could act and I was the only one who could potentially be trusted by them to deliver this warning. I backed away to look him in the eyes for a moment, before my gaze lowered to his chest as I thought.

“Their attack will be for nothing then. I need to warn them, somehow, to back down.”

His gaze down at me was a sorry look, like he wanted to be able to help me but wasn’t sure where I was going with this yet.

“If you send a hologram from the ship, the coordinates would be tracked. It wouldn’t be safe,” he explained. He was trying to help me hide the location of the Resistance Base from the First Order? I couldn’t believe his reaction for a moment.

“You want to help me do this, Kylo?”

“Yes, of course,” he replied, taking my hand and squeezing it tightly, as if to show me that he has no intention of separating himself from me, even if this is the case. This brought a smile to my face. I wiped away the dampness with my other hand and looked up into his eyes, so sincere and glassy in this moment.

“Then, we’re gonna need a plan. A really good one.”

“I think I have some ideas.” That crooked Solo smirk pulled on his face as his eyes looked me up and down.

“I have a horrible feeling about this. I can only assume that means we’re about to do something really crazy that will somehow end up working perfectly?”

“Well, maybe not perfectly. But I think I have an idea that will work.”


	18. Chapter 18

I woke up that morning in a cold sweat, still in Kylo’s bed and still wearing my clothes from yesterday, only we had bothered to get under the blankets at some point as we went over our plan before falling asleep.

My dreams had been a little too loud all night, with the voices in my head screaming and begging and crying. After sitting up, I took a few minutes to get my breathing under control and readjust to my surroundings. A small part of me hoped to wake up to the light of a morning sunrise, to see a warm glow dancing along everything in the room and hear the sounds of some species of birds and cattle somewhere off in the distance through an open window. I’d wake up to the heat of a summer’s day on my face, turn over and see the peaceful orange light illuminating Kylo’s pale, serene features.

Instead, it was the same dark room. The lighting hadn’t changed, no sense of day or night. I looked over to see Kylo in a peaceful slumber. It was so unlike him. The war-ravaged, worn expressions were gone. He no longer looked lost, like some credits dropped down a sewer grate on Coruscant, never to be used again unless someone was desperate enough for money that they decided to reach through the grime. I guess my hands must have been pretty filthy by now.

I laid back down, burrowing the side of my head into the slightly firm pillow, and settled in to watch him sleep for a while longer. At some point, I found myself asleep once more for a shorter nap.

When I woke up once more, perhaps an hour later, Kylo’s side of the bed was empty. I sat up, finally feeling ready to remain awake for the day, and glanced around the room. He had turned on a couple of the lights around the room at some point. As I listened, I realized I could hear the distinct sound of running water from the bathroom. Without even thinking twice about it, I hopped out of the bed and stepped over towards the door of the bathroom, leaning against it and knocking on it three times.

He hesitated for a moment before answering, “Come in, Artie,” and unlocking the door. I didn’t expect him to be so forthright, and now it was me who hesitated to speak for a moment as the bathroom door slid open. I peered inside bashfully to see Kylo laying out some clothes for himself on the bathroom counter.

“I, um, I was just going to bathe.” His eyes glanced over at me, though his head didn’t turn away from his folded clothes. “Care to join me?” he asked cautiously, awkwardly, his hands fidgeting as he avoided my gaze.

I was beginning to put together the pieces of this puzzle, of what Kylo’s romantic side entailed of. He was intense and passionate, absolutely, but being cheeky and flirtatious were characteristics that didn’t come naturally to him. I usually wasn’t a huge flirt myself, at least not on purpose, so I was with him there.

He had no problem with being caught up in the moment, capable of elevating a moment alone into being so much more in mere moments, but trying to plan? To ask? To apologize? These were worlds he was still learning.

“I’d like that,” I replied, feeling my cheeks go hot.

I entered the bathroom and locked the door once it had closed. The bathroom was decently sized, perfect for two to share, but not so luxuriously large. We were still in rather close quarters. I watched as he nervously licked his lips wondering, as I was, where to begin.

My nerves were getting to me. I found myself rubbing my hands together anxiously considering that this would be the first time anyone had really seen me without some kind of oversized jumpsuit or armour on. What if he didn’t like what he saw?

I noticed his usual tunic was off, a clean one sat folded on the counter. He was wearing a rather simple long sleeve shirt that usually went beneath the tunic instead. I was thankful that he was the first to remove a piece of clothing as he went to remove the shirt, reaching for the collar and yanking it over his head. I didn’t want to seem like I was eyeing him too much, but it was hard not to observe him, the mirror giving me a view of his front as his back was still towards me. All his physical training was clearly paying off and, though I wasn’t usually into more muscled men, knowing the strength and comfort his toned chest held made me feel rather flustered as the sight as it appeared to me in the mirror. I felt my face go hot as my eyes traced along his defined back and shoulder muscles.

Now, I was doubly nervous. I was nowhere near as athletic as him. He would surely not enjoy my body the way I was enjoying his. I couldn’t imagine him doing so. I found myself biting my lip rather hard as he unbuckled his belt and removed it from the loops, then unbuttoning the pants and helping them off either of his legs. He still hadn’t made eye contact with me, which I had to admit I preferred at this point. My gaze continued to follow its way down his wide back, over his backside still in a pair of briefs, and down to his thick thighs.

I anxiously pushed some of my hair out of my face and felt my eyes close briefly, giving my brain a moment to reset itself. I looked back into the mirror and found him already eyeing me. Our gazes met one another. The smallest of smiles danced on his face. I think as nervous as he was, sensing my response to his body probably made him feel a bit better about the situation. His eyes were rather intense however. After gazing into them for a few seconds, I suddenly tasted blood in my mouth and realized I had bit through a small piece of the skin on my lip. I just continued holding it with my teeth to suck on the spot until it stopped bleeding.

“I know you’re nervous,” he commented, as though merely acknowledging it might help it go away. I wasn’t sure if it helped or not.

“I know you are as well,” I commented in return, knowing it added absolutely nothing to the conversation and only assisted me in buying time to stop my lip bleeding and to put off undressing before him.

“Well, we haven’t all day. I’m getting in the shower, if you still want to discuss the finer details of the plan, you can just hang out here,” he commented, stepping into the shower.

He pulled the fogged glass separator closed, and a couple seconds later his arm popped out to drop his briefs over the pile of worn clothes. My imagination began doing its work through the blur of the glass, showing me images of the water running down his shoulders, and over his chest and stomach. My hand found itself drawn to hem of my shirt.

The taste of blood seemed to have stopped.

“So, as for a planet on which to conduct switching the ships, I’ve been considering some which are in the area. We could use Sullust. It is aligned with the Republic, but the population is sparse enough that we could get in and out undetected, and it would be easy to come up with an excuse to head there that the First Order would believe,” he began explaining.

“That could work,” I commented, my brain only half working as it thought of his strong arms, pinning me against the tiled wall of the shower. I pulled my shirt over my head and folded it, placing it down beside his piles of clothes.

“Another option would be Crait. There is nothing there that the First Order is aware of. It is an empty salt planet, which means if we wanted to switch there, I would have to find a contact from elsewhere. Perhaps I could get one of the Knights to participate, although I’m not sure if I trust any enough for this mission. They have no loyalties to the First Order aside from a respect for me as their leader.”

“Another option.”

Steam poured out above the glass, slowly filling the room. As I watched his silhouetted figure rubbing shampoo into his hair, I unbuttoned and removed my pants, also taking the time to neatly fold them and place them on my pile. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and my eyes were immediately drawn to my stomach, slightly pouched. My whole body was full of soft curves, not a toned, visible muscle to be found on me.

I had another moment of hesitation. I didn’t deserve him. Would he want me like this? I recalled the moments during our kisses where he would touch my waist, touch my stomach, seemingly desiring to see more. I had to let myself believe he would, at least long enough to fulfill what I desired to do at that moment.

As quickly as I could muster, I slid open the glass separator, stepped into the shower and closed it. Though I was still wearing my bra and panties, I wasn’t so concerned about them considering I was going to be putting on clean ones afterwards anyways. His body blocked out most of the water and only small splashes landed on me where I stood, holding one arm across my stomach.

He turned to face me, one hand still running through his hair to rinse out some shampoo. A smile appeared on his face as he took me in, glancing down my body before meeting my eyes once more. I avoided direct eye contact with his naked posterior or front, maintaining my gaze above his stomach.

“I’ll assume you’ve never done this before either then?” he asked, departing from our previous conversation for a moment.

“No. No, I haven’t,” I answered weakly.

He approached me, pulling me in to kiss my forehead and letting his hands find their way to my shoulders. His fingers played with the strap of my sport bra.

“May I?” he asked, his eyes darting down to the undergarment then returning back to my gaze.

I was secretly thankful he’d asked. If he was the one removing them, he could stop if he really was so bothered by me. Doing so myself made me far too self conscious.

“Please do,” I replied, sounding far too eager.

He pulled me closer into him and leaned his head down to leave kisses along my neck, making his way along my collarbone. The water poured off his body, making its way down onto mine now, wetting the fabric of my undergarments. His hands pulled the straps in either direction, sliding them off my shoulders as best he could, though the stretchy material was a bit fitted to me. As he moved the fabric along my shoulder, his lips followed closely behind. I moved myself onto my tip-toes to make it a bit easier for him. Once he’d made his way over the curve, onto the uppermost part of my upper arm, he pulled away to reach for the band.

Now in the moment, I found myself helping him lift the bra from my body. The fact that it was wet and that it didn’t have the usual clasp made me worry he would struggle with it alone. I helped it off the contour of my breasts and then let him pull it the rest of the way off my head and arms. Instead of opening the glass again, he tossed over top the separator.

“Any other planets that could work?” I asked him, immediately wanting a distraction from my exposed breasts. It was a part of my body I’d always been uncomfortable with, tried to hide with undergarments that would flatten rather than display them. They were… sizeable, even attention gathering, and attention for my body was the last thing I’d ever wanted. He must have noticed and wanted to be kind about it as he avoided directly gazing at them, opting to stand close to me so that he didn’t have a proper view anyways. But he certainly felt them, squished against his body as he left a few more kisses along my neck before pulling away, seeming in thought for a moment before answering.

“Although I wouldn’t advise it, the only other planet that is particularly close is Naboo.”

“That won’t work.” I wrapped my arms around him, feeling the smooth skin of his back, now damp, over his firm build.

“I agree,” he said.

He had that mischievous smirk on his face once more and I felt his hands trace their way down my back. He pressed his lips to mine, using his movements to deepen the kiss. My muscles tensed as he slipped his hands into the elastic band of my underwear, tracing over my bottom. My eyes popped open to the sight of his, also open through the kiss, waiting for my reaction. His eyes were playful and mine softened readily, meeting his lighthearted attitude. He slowly peeled away the fabric down over my hips. Not wanting to pull away from the kiss for too long, I let go of him to help the panties down my legs and toss them over the glass.

I don’t think I’d ever in my life felt so bare, so open and vulnerable, to another person.

“Here, let’s switch so you can get under the water,” he explained. I nodded up at him, and then we brushed past each other in order to swap.

I had to force myself to take my hands off of him for a moment, wanting to wash off my hair as well. I rinsed it through with the water and then reached for the shampoo bottle, squirting a healthy dollop in my hand.

“So, it’s Sullust or Crait then. I’m leaning toward Sullust. I think it will be easier to find a ship to switch out for.” He continued on the conversation like it had never been interrupted.

“We’ll do Sullust then,” I replied, sudsing the shampoo throughout my short hair and causing the scent of vanilla to waft through the air. I found myself angling my body away from him, though I was well aware this still gave him a view of my backside, but I was warming up to this concept as we spent more time together like this. I felt a bit more okay with the idea.

I tried to sense what he was thinking, at least a little bit. I knew he’d feel that I was doing it, but I had to know. I wouldn’t have to go too deep, after all, as the only thing I wanted to know was at the forefront of his thoughts. I was still facing away from him, now rinsing out the shampoo, as I let my mind reach out and feel its way into his.

I couldn’t find any words, just feelings, much the same as the ones I was experiencing. I guess I didn’t need to read his mind after all. I could feel the desire, growing in his chest, like a deep growl, a purr from a lion. The nub of flesh near the front of my body was yearning, begging to be touched by now. I could only imagine, but he must have been feeling the equivalent to that as well.

“You don’t have to read my mind to know what I think about you. I’ll tell you if you like.”

I turned back to look at him over my shoulder, pressing my thighs together in an effort to stifle the intense warmth. It just drove it even madder.

“I just… I can’t imagine what you’d like about me I guess - about my body.”

He approached me, pulling me in once more and leaning his head against the top of mine. I snaked my arms around his waist to meet him.

“I rather like your body, quite a lot.” And that was when I noticed that I could feel him, semi-hard, against my hip.

“Oh,” I gasped. I heard a chuckle roll out of his throat. It was hard to tell without looking, but he felt rather… proportionate, considering his tall, broad body. I pulled away to look up at him once more. That playful smile never faded once.

I pulled him in for a kiss this time, bringing my hands to his neck.

“I... want you… so badly,” I managed between kisses. “You have no idea... this feeling... I’m holding back right now.”

My hands were tracing their way up and down his back and I made my way into his mouth, our teeth clashing at times.

“So don’t hold back,” he whispered into my open mouth.

I shoved him backwards, forcing him to perform the same awkward back steps he’d made me do the other day, until his back hit the shower tiles. His large hands moved to my stomach, as they seemed to enjoy doing, finding their way up my body until they cupped my breasts. As he gently massaged into them, my own hands found his shoulders and used that leverage to pin him against the wall.

I never would have believed that I could enjoy anyone playing with my chest, with how awkward I felt about it, but as he continued working the heavy flesh, the sensation in my groin grew even more. My body had never been so stimulated in so many places at once before. As his thumb brushed over my stiff nipple, a moan escaped my throat and landed into his mouth. Keeping in mind that this was as new to him as it was to me, I wanted to help him know my feelings as much as I could. Seeing that this earned him a reaction, he began thumbing over the peaks, trying to find a rhythm.

“Softly. Keep going, just softly,” I managed, noting to him that the gentle brushes over the nipples felt infinitely better than any harsher rubbing right now. He hummed a moan in return, indicating that he’d received the message, and he went back to brushing over them.

My hands moved from his shoulders, unpinning him, though his back was still against the wall. I traced my way down his pectorals, over his stomach, through the light hairs lining both, and then snaked around his back once more. I opened my eyes for a moment as I let my hands drop to grab his buttocks - firm under the soft skin, much like the rest of him - awaiting his reaction. He didn’t open his eyes, but he did gently nip at my lower lip in response. A small giggle escaped the back of my throat.

His hands moved down my body, away from my breasts which still desired his touch, down towards my hips so that his hands could sink into my fleshy bottom, our arms now crossing over each other as we held each others backsides.

I pulled away again, wanting a few seconds to take him in once more. Through the steam, I could see his dark hair was pushed back against his head in its damp state. I reached up to tuck a lock of his hair behind his ear, which slightly stuck out from his head.

“Your ears are cute,” I commented mindlessly. He reached up to the back of his neck, rubbing it with a slight unease.

“I, uh, grew my hair out to cover them,” he admitted, the slight pink of his cheeks deepening.

“You’re always wearing that helmet anyways,” I joked. “I love them, Ben.”

He smiled, hearing his name, which then prompted him to take me by my waist and help flip us around so that he could push me up against the wall now. With his hands back at my hips, digging into me, he shoved me against the slightly cold tile. I released another small giggle and, with a smirk, he approached and crashed his lips against mine.

“What… would you like… for me to do,” he asked with a playful chuckle.

I did have one idea, since he was asking. I wasn’t sure how to ask for it, but the blood pooling in my loins was getting to be too much and I needed a release. I wasn’t even sure how he himself had held back this long.

Continuing the kiss and meeting his movements, I reached for one of his hands and guided it along my thigh, letting his fingers drag along my skin. I placed his hand over me, right where I wanted him.

“Right here,” I commented. I’d hoped he’d feel out what to do, but his hand remained still.

“I, um, can you show me?” he asked bashfully. I leaned up to kiss his nose.

“Of course.”

Still holding his hand, I helped him separate my legs just a bit. Then, I dragged his hand along my inner thigh until it met my growing wetness once more. I pressed his index and middle fingers into my folds, demonstrating how to stroke and begin, before leading him to the sensitive nub near the front of me.

“Right here is where you’ll want to focus mostly. But don’t be afraid to switch it up a bit,” I explained in a breathy whisper, rubbing the two fingers of his, still in my control, over the hood and area. “Just… like that,” I moaned.

He took over from there, mimicking the movements I’d shown him, occasionally moving down my sensitive folds for a break before returning to my clit. My hands found their way around his back once more, gripping tightly to find any traction I could. As he continued, he returned to kissing and nibbling along my neck. The rubbing began to build up a bit of speed, urged on by the moans escaping my mouth with every upward flick of his wrist.

“You like this?”

“It feels… so good.” A lump was beginning to form in my throat as the blood rushed to my face, making it hard to form any words at all. Even my breathing was becoming staggered and heavy.

He took the smallest of breaks to explore the area near my entrance, teasing the opening. With some of the dampness on his fingers, he made his way back to working my clit, ready to finish me off now. He returned to the steady pace he had set before, my breaths quickening with his movements as my fingers dug into his shoulder blades.

“Keep going, Ben. Just like that,” I managed in my exhales.

He kept a strong, steady pressure into the nub, his head still in the crook of my neck, feeding me the scent of shampoo in his hair. It had built until the pressure was so intense, my face burning up, barely able to breathe, and all of a sudden, my vision went white. The pressure was released, flooding my body with warm resolve, my legs twitching as it rolled through me and soft grunts escaping my lips. My fingers lost their strength, now limply holding onto him with what small strength I could manage.

As my vision began returning to me, so did my breath, he pulled away from my neck with a sly grin on his face as he observed my reactions.

“You came?” he asked, wanting to be sure.

“Yeah, I came,” I chuckled, quite pleased by how happy he seemed at being able to elicit this from my body.

His hands came away from the sensitive area, holding me around my waist once more as the afterglow still ran through me. I leaned into his chest, feeling the calmness of the resolve that ran through every limb of my body.

“You did great for your first time. Is there anything I can do for you?”

“As much as I would love to,” he paused to kiss my forehead. “We should get out of here. We have a lot to do today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're finally doing the sex.
> 
> Thanks for making it this far


	19. Chapter 19

“So, we’ll need to run this mission by Hux before we can leave. That’s protocol, and I believe following it will make us less suspicious,” he commented, buttoning up his pants.

“You ran Ilum by him as well?” I asked, remembering how off the grid that mission seemed as I slipped a fresh shirt over my head and fitted it over me.

“Yes, even Ilum.” He turned around to search for an undershirt in the closet near his bed. Two sets of four distinct red lines on either side of his back were visible to me as he shuffled through the clothes in the closet.

“I’m sorry about your back,” I blurted quietly, noting how painful it looked. I didn’t realize how forcibly I had been digging into him in the moment.

“What’s that?” he asked, turning to face me over his shoulder.

“I, I kinda… look at your back in the mirror,” I suggested, feeling too bashful to explain.

Slight confusion in his eyes, he angled himself to see in a mirror which was on the door of his closet and then just chuckled as he returned to taking clothes from the closet.

“I didn’t even feel it.”

I turned back to my armour, placing it over me and adjusting it properly, and then took my cloak. He threw on his undershirt, and then tunic, then grabbed his own cloak as well.

“So, where will ol’ Hux be at this time?” I asked, shifting the cloak around until it sat where I wanted it.

“Likely in a meeting. We’ll check the debriefing room.”

“Sounds good.”

He picked up his helmet, but I watched as he hesitated for a moment before placing it on his head, gazing down into the empty eyes set in its mask. I approached him slowly, not wanting to startle him, and placed a hand onto his bicep.

“You alright?”

He turned to look at me, and then returned to the helmet once more.

“Yes, of course.” He clearly had something bothering him, but maybe now wasn’t the time to discuss it.

Kylo leaned over to give me a quick peck before placing his helmet on his head.

“Then, let’s go.”

We made our way through the maze of metallic hallways. As we arrived at the debriefing room, we saw a small group of officers leaving the room, but Hux was not among them. We stepped past the officers, earning some glares from them, and entered the debriefing room to see if Hux was still inside, perhaps organizing notes from the meeting.

Instead, we entered to the sight of him at the head of the table, lit by the blue of a hologram. A few steps into the room, Kylo froze in his stride, causing me to nearly bump into him from behind. I stopped myself inches away from colliding with him and glanced over his shoulder to see what the matter was.

“Ah, my apprentice has arrived. What timing,” a gravelly but regal voice boomed from the hologram.

“Supreme Leader,” Kylo answered with reverence.

My blood ran cold, and I also found myself in pause, taking in what was happening. My mind raced, trying to recall what I told myself I’d do in this situation, only to find it was blank. I couldn’t recall any plans I may have made, any ideas I may have had about how this would go.

I could vaguely recognize that the hologram had turned away from Hux to face Kylo, who then made his way around the table to stand near the front with Hux and bowed before the image. The eyes of the hologram followed Kylo as he moved around the table for part of the trip before stopping and noticing me a few steps back. They looked me up and down.

I was able to take in the face of the one Kylo had been taking orders from all this time: he was full of scars, and dents. He didn’t seem human, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen another sentient creature that looked quite like him, with his large upside down teardrop shaped head. It was hard to tell the tone in his skin from the hologram, but it seemed a bit greyed perhaps, and the texture made him seem quite old. Over his shoulders, it appeared he was wearing some sort of wrap made of a thick material.

“Ah, and the apprentice of Kylo Ren is here as well. Perfection.”

“Yes, Supreme Leader. Her powers have grown exponentially since she first arrived here. Your idea to have me mentor her has been a stroke of genius.” I believe Kylo’s goal here was to try to return the conversation back to him and move it forward; a noble thought, only Snoke’s gaze didn’t leave me. He had a rather focused intensity on me, his eyes narrowing. I begged to myself that he couldn’t read my mind through the hologram, from likely billions of kilometers away.

For a moment, he glanced down at my hip. I suddenly felt sweat beading under my hairline and down the back of my neck, my neck and body feeling hot and uncomfortable.

“I see your Master has helped you build yourself a lightsaber.”

“She built it herself, Supreme Lead-”

“Don’t interrupt, Commander Ren. I am speaking to your apprentice.”

I glanced over at Kylo, begging for help but simultaneously knowing this was something I had to deal with myself… somehow. Snoke’s eyes turned back to me, now awaiting my response.

“What-What Commander Ren says is true, Supreme Leader. I built it myself,” I explained, nervously considering my words as I formed the sentence. My heart began beating quickly, pounding against my ribcage.  _ No _ , I prayed, _ please don’t don’t panic now _ .

“And where did the power source come from?” he questioned.

“It, uh… the power source?” I glanced from him to Kylo once more, then back to him. Kylo’s fist was clenched; I could feel the tension in his hands, running down his fingers, as if it were my own hands.

“The crystal,” he jumped in, taking a couple steps towards me protectively. I caught a glimpse of Hux standing behind him, his face shadowed in the dark room, making him look menacing. A rather ominous grin danced across his pasty skin. He could tell something was off, and he was enjoying every second of it.

Kylo jumped in once more.

“We visited Ilum nearly a month ago. During this trip, a kyber crystal called out to her and she retrieved it.”

“Ah, then it is destiny. I shall rather like to see it when you both finally decide to pay a visit.”

“Of course, Supreme Leader,” I replied submissively.

“So then,” Hux finally squeezed his way into the conversation. I wondered when he would. “Where is it that you two are off to now? A couples’ getaway?”

I tried fire off the most poisonous look I could at Hux. I hoped it was intimidating. Hux didn’t make eye contact with me however, opting to observe Kylo’s reactions instead.

“I haven’t a clue what you’re talking about General. My Apprentice and I received a hint that we may be able to take out a weapon supplier on Sullust. We planned on flying there immediately to scope out the current status and form a plan.” I could feel his blood rising, frustration bubbling up. The tension in his hands had moved up to shoulders, which were visibly raised up to his ears.

“You aren’t taking any officers or stormtroopers with you? What about Officer Sal? He’s been my right hand man as of late,” Hux’s voice slithered through the sentence. “I’m sure you’d find some use for him.”

“You sent him to join us on our last mission and he was less useful than the moss on Dagobah. Officer Sal will not be joining us,” Kylo responded. “Supreme Leader, this mission may bring the downfall of a large supplier. It is of the utmost importance that my apprentice and I are to attend to it.”

Snoke glanced back and forth between the two of them, and then his hands entered the hologram, his fingers tapping against the other hand’s fingers thoughtfully.

“Attend to your mission, Commander. And please do get in touch with me soon. We shall arrange a meeting with you and your apprentice.”

“Understood, Supreme Leader. I look forward to it.”

“And General, I shall contact you again soon as well.”

“Of course, Supreme Leader.”

Snoke turned back to me once more.

“I especially look forward to meeting you, young Apprentice,” his deep voice rumbled through the room.

I hesitantly bowed my head towards the hologram.

“Y-yes, Supreme Leader. Me as well.”

He turned back to face his General and his Commander once more before stopping the hologram and disappearing. I felt a slight release of the tension in my body, unsure if it was Kylo or me I was feeling. I recalled Hux was still in the room. Not that Hux would have let us forget it.

“I know you two are shirking your duties and… canoodling,” he snapped at us.

A burst of air escaped my mouth creating an unfortunate raspberry sound as it left. I couldn’t contain the laugh that formed when, part-way through him speaking, I realized he was really about to use the word ‘canoodling.’ Kylo didn’t respond, but I could just imagine that he was holding in a laugh more successfully the me.

“Canoodling,” I repeated as fits of laughter rolled up my body. While I was dealing with my laughter, Kylo turned back to Hux, attempting to be the one of us to take the accusation seriously.

“I don’t know where you get your information from, General, but there is nothing less than professional occurring between myself and my apprentice.”

“How strange, Officer Sal couldn’t help but notice that the both of you spent a significant amount of time in your personal quarters aboard your shuttle on the flight back from Dagobah. Then, I must implore, what were the two of you doing alone in your chambers, Commander?”

“This may come as a shock to you, Hux, but my apprentice and I must occasionally have some private time in order to train. Not that you know anything of the ways of the Force.”

“Officer Sal overheard you discussing, oh, something about calling you by the name you claim to be dead.”

“It was a slip of the tongue, Hux. Commander Ren wished for me to know about his past in order to help me understand what led him to the dark side. It’s a rather touching story, really, how the dark saved him,” I invented, actually quite amused by all this. He had no real proof, and I knew it. No images, recordings, or even first hand information. “It was an accident, the Commander and I discussed it and it shall not happen again.”

He looked furious that I actually had an explanation, as simple as it was.

“And this explains why when my officer knocked on the door, it took a rather long minute for you both to put yourselves together well enough to greet him, hmm?” he hissed through gritted teeth.

“Coming out of meditation can take a rather long minute,” Kylo returned defensively.

“He claims to have heard a lot of… shuffling, upon him calling for the both of you.”

“I don’t know what to say, General. Perhaps he heard us replacing the items we levitated while we were meditating. Perhaps your officer shouldn’t be snooping around in matters related to things beyond his understanding.” Though he delivered the lines rather calmly, the distortion of the helmet made his words sound absolutely menacing.

Hux’s face looked like he’d eaten a sour fruit, annoyed that this meeting hadn’t gone as well as he’d hoped.

“We are heading to Sullust. We have a mission to fulfill. We are going to perform our duties. Perhaps you’d do better to focus on your own assignments rather than trying to discover some secret you believe I hold, which I do not. You’re wasting your time, playing silly games, while we are trying to stop the Resistance and destroy their last hint of hope, Luke Skywalker.”

Huffing, Hux took his holopad and documents from the table.

“This isn’t over,” he grunted, shuffling out of the room in a hurry.

Once he left, I turned to face Kylo, whose head was in his hand, seeming tired or frustrated. Or both.

“I knew that officer was up to something,” I commented.

“As did I. Well, no point in waiting, I suppose. Let us head to the hangar.”

We left the debriefing room, making our way through the endless halls once more.

“I still can’t believe I had to listen, with my own ears, to Hux use the word ‘canoodling’.”  
“Hux may not have used such a word if he had ever in his life… ‘canoodled’,” Kylo responded with an absolutely straight tone of voice, causing me to chuckle.

“Part of me wants to jump in and say ‘Hey, we hadn’t until this morning,’ but then again I don’t want to say anything that can be interpreted as defending Hux,” I said in a quieter voice as we entered the empty hangar, only populated by the shuttle.

We hopped on, and set a course for Sullust.

As we left hyperspace, we were greeted by the sight of a planet swirled with shades of dark grey, with lines of red and orange webbed over it so that it appeared to have cracks running through, which exposed its mantle.

“Wow. It’s kind of beautiful from here.”

“I suppose.” Kylo seemed to be in thought once more, distracted somewhere in between piloting our landing and drifting off.

“What is it?” I asked him.

With a deep inhale and exhale, he responded,  
“I’m sorry you had to meet with Snoke like that. I didn’t want it to happen that way. We were caught off guard. And the more Snoke knows, the more concerned I am that he’ll piece things together. Once we meet with him and are within mind reading range, all bets are off.”

“Maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll be able to leave before meeting with him.”

“Perhaps.”

He took us in for a landing on a high-up cliff overlooking an abandoned factory, built into the rocky landscape with a lava river running down the middle. I could sense something was still running through his mind as we headed down the ramp, pulling our hoods up over our heads, him without his helmet still, and approached the edge of the cliff to observe the factory for a hangar.

“There’s the hangar, built into the side of that other cliff over there,” Kylo observed. I followed his hand, pointing to the building, to see that he was correct. A large rectangular hangar had been built into the rock, open to the air. I could make out the shape of a few ships sitting in the hangar.

“Those ships look a little run down,” I commented.

“We should have brought 9B. For now though, we’ll have to hope for the best.”

We found a winding path in the outcrop and headed down the cliff, making our way through the empty facility.

“It’s kind of amazing, the things these sullustans build,” I said, looking around at the various structures - cooling towers, generators and such - which made up the whole of the facility. I wondered what used to be built here.

“Yes, and there’s thousands more covering the planet.”

As we arrived in the hangar and began examining the ships, I noticed Kylo had been a bit quieter than usual.

“This one,” he called out to me as I was examining a small fighter ship.

I jogged over to see a shuttle, a bit smaller than Kylo’s, but the perfect size to get the job done.

“This is perfect!”

He found a button on the outside of the ship which lowered the ramp and we boarded, examining the space. The ramp led directly into the cockpit, with no separate rooms or spaces.

“It’s small, disposable, compact. It’ll get the job done,” he explained further. He booted up the engine and read the interface. “It’s a little low on fuel, however. Do you think you could get a refuel once you’re there?”

“I’m sure they’d oblige, at least to get us back here. What do you mean me?” He looked around the cockpit, lips pursed in thought, his mind still racing. “You’re going to have to tell me whatever the fuck is going on under those wavy locks of yours at some point. It seems pretty relevant right now.”

He lifted his head to face me.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go. I could give you a quick flight lesson, it’s really not that hard! It would be just enough knowledge to get you there. Or maybe we could send a message from this ship and they could come pick you up and return you?”

I took a few seconds to mull over what he was saying. Me fly myself? That was not the plan, and that was not going to happen. I don’t know how long Hux expected us to be on Sullust, but surely it wasn’t long enough for me to learn how to fly and make the trip to D’Qar. I don’t know how long it took to learn how to fly, but it must have been days at least before you would be able to fly off planet. At least. Probably a lot more.

“Are you serious? You want me to go alone?”

“I don’t see what purpose I could serve there. They wouldn’t like to see me.”

“They don’t have to know, you could stay on the ship.”

“She would know.”

I immediately knew he meant his mother, and I also knew he was right. General Organa would immediately sense his presence in the base, and she would want to see him.

“You could barricade yourself aboard the ship for all I care, I want you with me. What if something happens?”

“You’re intelligent, and you’re talented with the Force now. I’m sure you’d be able to manage.”

He was avoiding eye contact with me, clearly anxious and sheepish about how he had decided to go about this.

“Is that what it is, then? I’m going alone and you’re just gonna wait here all alone?”

“I suppose so,” he said softly, booting up the holopad, preparing for the message I would send.

“I can’t believe you. For all the fury and intimidation, you’re a yellow-bellied coward,” I said, incredulously. I could feel something welling up in my chest, something painful.

“I’m sorry, Artie. I just can’t go.”

His hands were gripped on the headrest of the pilot’s seat, and he hung his head down, seemingly in shame.

I shook my head and approached the holopad, pressing the record button. With a deep breath, I went about making my recording.

“My name is Captain Artemis, previously of the Resistance,” I paused to lick my lips. “I wish to speak to General Organa, if she wishes to accept. It’s a rather important matter regarding future battle strategy for the Resistance. I have insider information on the First Order which I’d like to share; it may save the lives of thousands of fighters. I am currently stationed on Sullust. If the General would like to meet with me, I’ll be waiting here to be picked up and brought to D’Qar. After the meeting is over, I will need to be returned to Sullust in order to maintain my cover. If a ship does not arrive before sundown on Sullust, I will assume the General does not wish to meet with me. I’ll send the coordinates, and I hope to see you soon. May the Force be with you, rebels.”

I stopped the transmission and sent the message along with the coordinates of the factory, and then turned back to Kylo.

“I’m sorry, I know you’re disappointed.” He sounded apologetic, but with how hurt I felt, it all just sounded like weakness.

I took in a deep breath and then began heading down the ramp.

“Whatever,” I responded coldly.

I headed back up the hill onto the cliff where the shuttle was parked, turning back occasionally to see Kylo always at least ten yards back. His walk was unhurried, tired, even timid, with his hood replaced, casting a shadow over his face. I felt bad for chastising him so harshly; his situation wasn’t an easy one, and I understood that. I guess it just hurt that I thought he was going to be with me through to the conclusion of this plan, and instead he was backing out. What would happen when the plan became Naboo? Would he back out then too?

I think that’s why this hurt so much. It wasn’t just about now, it was about the future as well.


	20. Chapter 20

The sky slowly changed colours, and I was beginning to think perhaps they had decided not to meet with me. But then, right as the sky became the same bright orange colour as the lava over the horizon, I noticed a ship in the sky - a black shape against the sunset.

“That’ll be for me,” I commented, craning my neck to glare at the sky in the windshield.

“I’m glad they decided to show up,” Kylo responded. His voice sounded sincere.

We had hung out in the cockpit, mostly in silence, as we waited. We ended up meditating for most of the time, finding it an appropriate way to sit in the same room without conversing. When we did speak, it felt different. Simple words, bashful voices, nothing too deep.

As the ship got closer, I recognized it as an X-wing fighter with its distinct shape. It wasn’t in assault mode right now, and so the crossed wings were together, forming a line. It was still one of the most recognizable ships in the galaxy.

“Well, I should get out there,” I said as I replaced my belt, which I had removed for comfort.

Kylo followed me into the loading dock and lowered the ramp for me, then took a couple steps towards me. We stood there for a moment, facing each other with the light of the Sullustan sunset behind us. He seemed unsure about touching me or offering any affection, his hand clenching and unclenching.

I decided, given I could understand where he was coming from, I didn’t want to harbour any negative feelings regardless of how disappointed I was. I reached up and draped my arms around his neck, pulling him for a hug. As we parted, I kissed his cheek.

“Artie, please come back,” his somber voice begged. He gripped my hand tightly, not letting me leave until I promised.

“Of course I’ll come back, Ben. We have to get to Naboo together.”

He smiled at me and brushed his thumb over the back of my hand, comfortingly.

Suddenly, another voice came from somewhere down the ramp.

“Captain Artemis?”

I glanced down the ramp to see a pilot, wearing the symbol of the Resistance on his vest. He had dark brown, tousled hair, shorter to his head but still long enough that the curls were well defined. Kylo pulled his hands from mine and stormed off into the cockpit, leaving me in the loading dock to turn back to the pilot.

“That’s me,” I said, stepping down the ramp.

I didn’t know if a Resistance pilot would recognize Kylo Ren, especially without the helmet. This man seemed suspicious of him, however, eyeing the spot where he disappeared for a moment before turning to me. We both started walking towards his ship.

“So, Captain, I’ve heard stories.”

“Only bad things, I hope,” I chuckled, hoping he’d find the terrible joke endearing and dissolve any suspicions he might have about my motives. “You can just call me Artie, I’m not exactly a captain any more.”

“You’re still a captain to the Resistance, Artie. You have a legacy. By the way, I’m Poe Dameron, Commander for the Resistance.”

“Oh, Commander Dameron! I’ve heard of you as well, actually. Back when I was a captain, I’d heard a lot about the battles you won. I always wondered if we’d ever run into each other, so it’s nice to meet you, Commander.”

“That’s quite a compliment coming from you, Captain.”

I thought about how this must look to Kylo, me getting on a ship with a dashing Resistance pilot, maybe a few years older than Kylo and I, with tanned skin and determined, hopeful eyes. As we were boarding his X-wing, I looked back into the windshield of the shuttle. Though the glass was tinted, I knew Kylo was there, probably watching. I could feel him, his intensity, his doubts, his fears.

I took a deep breath and took the second seat. 

“I didn’t know they made X-wings with two seats.”

“Special model. I wanted to make sure we had some weapons in case anything happened during the pick up.”

We buckled up and he started the engines, taking us up into the sky. I slowly felt all remnants of his emotions, more Ben than Kylo right now, fade away from my body. Even though I didn’t like not being able to feel him, I knew it would probably help me do what I needed to do right now. No distractions. Maybe. Maybe he would have been helpful, a reminder of why this all mattered so much.

“Say, how come your pilot back there didn’t want to take you all the way?” Dameron asked, flipping the switches to enter hyperspace. I knew he was a bit suspicious of Kylo, but I had to decide whether it was wise or not for him to know anything.

“He has his reasons. It’s kind of complicated.”

“Right. Isn’t everything nowadays?”

“Yeah. You’re not wrong there.”

I held a hand up to the glass, watching the stars fly by. I wasn’t used to flying in such a tiny space; I hadn’t done so since the TIE fighter incident, and before then it really never happened. I wondered if he knew much about what happened there?

“So, how is General Organa? Are you close with her at all?”

“More and more these days, it seems. Wise lady. She’s anxious to see you again after these past couple months.”

“I’m excited to reconnect with her. She was a great mentor to me for a short while.”

“Yeah,” he replied, trailing off for a moment. “If you don’t mind me asking, Artie, what happened the night you were taken by them? By the First Order? That’s gotta be quite a story.”

I dropped my hand from the window and turned to the back of his pilot helmet, seeing his gloved hands playing with a keypad, perhaps adjusting coordinates.

“Well, it seemed like it was going to be a pretty normal supply run. The General and I both had weird vibes from it the day I was set to leave, but we didn’t have a reason to believe anything was compromised. Besides, I was so new to using the Force, I didn’t know how to trust those feelings yet.” I noticed he had stopped typing to listen, his fingers hovering over the buttons.

“Right, you were one of the trainees.”

“Yep. So, we get to Hosnian Prime and the contacts take us to a warehouse where the First Order ambushed us. They killed my crew, I think. I never saw any of them again. I woke up on Starkiller Base, and I was interrogated by…” Don’t mention his name, it’ll just elicit too many questions. “By them. They never managed to get the location of the Resistance Base from me, however.”

“And why have they kept you this long? I guess I don’t understand what role you play for them. You’re not wearing any uniform of theirs that I’ve ever encountered before.”

“It’s…”

“Complicated?”

“Well, yeah. I have to discuss these things with General Organa. Everything else is kind of on a need-to-know basis.”

“How do you know I don’t need to know?” he questioned. His suspicion was back all of a sudden. He didn’t fully trust me. I couldn’t blame him either.

“Well, I want to let the General decide. I’m not sure what the best plan of action is yet.”

He was quiet for a few moments before deciding on a simple, “Alright.”

It was a relatively short ride to D’Qar, where we landed in the main hangar to a small group of Resistance fighters waiting. The X-wing’s glass windshield was drawn back, opening the entrance to the ship. I stood up to pop my head out of the top of the ship and observe those waiting around. They seemed to be mostly guards, likely there because they also didn’t fully trust me, just as Poe didn’t.

One presence drew me in more than the rest, however, and my eyes were drawn to a woman down at the end of the row of greeters. She was wearing a rather elegant greyish blue dress, and a warmer grey overcoat covering her up from the wind of the ships leaving and arriving. Her lips formed a smile upon seeing me, a sight that warmed me up like a cup of tea in the evening. A childish grin pulled onto my own face as I climbed out the X-wing, making my way down the ladder at its side, and started off down the row towards her.

I was worried for a moment that one of the guards would stop me, but I was glad to find they didn’t so that I could make my way to her freely and embrace her in a hug. She returned the hug in a motherly fashion, a comforting hand at my back, before we parted.

“General, words can’t describe how happy I am to see you again.”  
“I’m delighted to see you again as well, Captain. I have a feeling that’s not your official title where you’re coming from.”

“No, no it is not,” I chuckled awkwardly.

“Well, let’s discuss it somewhere else.”

“Hold on!” Poe’s voice called after us. He approached, a droid now at his side. “We’ll join you.”

“Oh, I don’t know if that’s necessary, Commander. I’m sure you’re busy,” I replied.

“What could be more important than this? The Captain who was captured by the First Order and sending us information on them has returned home.”

“Your arrival is kind of a big deal, Captain Artie,” General Organa interjected.

“Whatever you think is best, General.”

“Alright, Dameron. You can come along,” she said, gesturing for him to follow with a curl of her finger.

We made our way to a small debriefing room, much less menacing than the ones the First Order used. It was just a simple room with a table, which had a hologram projector inside, and some chairs, and we were brought warm drinks. No unfeeling metallic floors and walls, no officers shuffling documents around, no yelling and throwing things, at least not without a damn good reason. It felt warm and welcoming, like it was saying ‘let’s talk’ rather than ‘let me tell you all the ways in which you’ve failed the Order.’ 

The coffee on the Resistance base never had been that great, but you got the rations you got and it was decent enough that it comforted me from the inside out. I wondered, for a moment, if Kylo had ever had a half decent cup of coffee? While the Resistance coffee was mediocre, First Order coffee was infinitely worse.

“Part of you is somewhere else, Captain,” the General commented, taking a seat with her cup of black tea.

“I’m sorry, there’s a lot going on. Lots to think about.”

“I’m sure.”

Poe took a seat on the other side of the table from us; he didn’t grab a drink or anything to make himself comfortable. He straddled the chair and leaned over the table, showing interest.

“I wish we could catch up a bit more, General, but what I have to say is rather important so I’m gonna run through that first,” I explained.

“Alright. What is it? Something must have been pretty important for you to sneak away from the First Order to tell me.”

“It is. I wish I had more time, but the longer I’m gone, the more time they have to notice that I didn’t fulfill what I told them I was going to do. That’s why we had to land on Sullust. It was less conspicuous, and I didn’t want to lead them directly here in case they did check the coordinates.”

She nodded along as she listened.

“So, what information do you have, Captain?”

“Here’s the thing, a few days ago the First Order captured a member of the Resistance. It happened sometime during that rescue mission you executed.” I realized partway through saying it how awkward it was bringing it up. I forgot the whole reason that it even happened for a moment.

“The mission we pulled to try and get you out of there, wasn’t it?” Poe asked.

“Yes, during-”

“Didn’t you shoot at us from a TIE fighter during that mission?” he pushed, his eyes narrowing on me. Something came over me, finding the side of my hand slamming against the table, tired of him interrupting and trying to make a point.

Poe’s face jumped back away from the spot and he paused for a moment.  
“I’m sorry for hitting the table,” I said, trying to let the little matchstick fire burning in my core calm itself down. “Um, yes, I fought back. I didn’t realize you were trying to rescue me, and I was put in a position where if I chose not to fight it may have looked like I was disloyal to the Order. It would have ruined my cover.”

“I don’t like it, but I understand why you did it. That doesn’t mean it can be forgiven,” General Organa explained. She seemed more cautious after witnessing my little outburst.

It hurt a little bit, to hear that. The emotional side of me felt a bit nauseous, but the logical side of me knew she was absolutely correct, that her position was more than fair. I deserved a lot worse, if anything.

“I understand, General. What’s important right now is that the First Order managed to learn from this captured fighter that the Resistance is planning an assault on Starkiller Base, based on the information I gave you. Apparently, the goal of it is to obtain this portion of a map, meant to locate Master Luke Skywalker.”

“Yes, that is true. With your help in telling us the base existed, we managed to gain the exact coordinates to it thanks to some snooping of our own. The First Order knows of the attack?”

“Well, I don’t think the whole Order knows, but my… um, partner was able to figure it out and trusted me enough to tell me. Anyways, the point is, you have to call off the attack. It’s way too risky for the Resistance, and the map segment that they have isn’t finished. The segment which shows Skywalker’s exact location is missing. It will be a pointless mission, and fighters will die needlessly.”  
I noticed the General’s gaze had fallen to somewhere near my hip. My belt? My cape? My lightsaber! I wrapped my cloak tighter around me, concealing the weapon. She glanced back up at my face. I wasn’t sure what she had seen.

My eyes glanced over at Poe, who looked rather unsure of whether or not to believe me. General Organa was the one who had the Force intuition, however. Hopefully he’d believe her if she said she trusted me.

“They don’t have the map?” she asked, breathlessly. I thanked the stars that she ignored my lightsaber, if she had seen it at all. She trusted me to some degree.

“Damn it!” Now, he struck at the table with his fist. “We were so sure of it.” Poe rubbed the stubble on his cheek, seeming to be in thought.

“I’m sorry, General. I know you want to find him, but this isn’t the answer. It’ll only bring pain and loss.”

She closed her eyes and pursed her lips together, as if trying to feel out in the universe for the answer - reaching out, just as she had taught me to do. When she opened them, she was focused on me.

“You’ve learned more about the Force since leaving. How is that possible?” The change of subject was surprising, but I had a feeling it would come up at some point. I wondered how she could tell? Maybe she could feel my connection to it? My fingers twitched as I finicked with them, considering my answer carefully.

I had no idea how to approach this. How do I tell her that her son taught me to use the Force, and that he was only a planet over? That he was supposed to be here, right now, with me? That we had become so close?

“Why did they keep you alive, Artie? What role are you playing for them?” the General asked me gently.

I held my hand over my eyes, rubbing them tiredly, and took a deep inhale and exhale.

“I’ve become an apprentice in the Force to a new master.”

“I know you have. And I know who. But I want to hear you say it.” Leave it to Leia Organa to play hardball with something so emotional. She was a tough woman, that’s for sure. I didn’t want to compromise Kylo somehow, though. I didn’t know where to begin, how much to say.

“Artie, look,” she said, taking my hand in one of hers. “You brought a piece of him here with you today. I must thank you for that. But I don’t want you to put yourself in danger by knowing him, by being close to him.” I intently observed her gentle, wrinkled hand sitting over mine.

“I told him you were still waiting for him to come home, just like you asked when I left.”

“Wait, who are we talkin’ about here?” Poe asked.

“I appreciate that,” Leia responded, as if he hadn’t just interjected. “But I can sense that the dark side of the Force runs through you, and using it is a dangerous game that I don’t want you to lose.”

“No, I won’t. I… I’ve been using both sides, and I think I’m at the point where I can discard the darkness. I-I think, anyway... Things have changed in the past few weeks.” I thought of Kylo again, reminded of our encounters and how they had built into a rather passionate affair which I was more than ready to continue. “He’s not what you think he is anymore. He’s not Kylo Ren, at least not all the time. He lets me call him Ben, he wants to run away to Naboo with me. We want to start a life there, together.”

I hated admitting all that in a way. It still sounded fanciful and idealistic, despite the truth of it. I didn’t know if I should expect them to believe me, quite honestly.

Poe’s eyes changed from narrowed to round as he took in what I was saying.

“Kylo Ren? Like, Kylo Ren? Red lightsaber, works for Snoke, wears a funny mask? That Kylo Ren?” he asked incredulously. Then his face turned to one of realization. He jumped up from his seat. “So that’s who flew you to Sullust! That’s why he wouldn’t come here!”

Leia looked rather shocked, but still kept an ounce of her thoughtfulness which seemed ever present on her face.

“You call him Ben?” she whispered, perplexed.

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“And he’s waiting for you on Sullust? Right now, as we speak?”

“Yes. Underneath the brainwashing, from the First Order, from Snoke, he’s still Ben. He was scared that I wouldn’t return from D’Qar because he knows that I wanted to return to the Resistance once I escaped. He was terrified that this was my way of leaving him. He’s just… Ben.”

“Well, why not stay?” Poe asked me. “If your ships coordinates were to Sullust, then Ren is the only one who knows you’re here.”

“I thought about it, but not in any serious manner. I can’t abandon him. Not only because of my own feelings, being that I don’t want to leave him and I want to return to him, but also because if I left him, it would only push him further into the dark side. That’s the last thing I want for him. When he is good, he is very sweet. He becomes… so normal, but extraordinary as well. He is kind and caring, even funny sometimes.”

Leia seemed in thought still, contemplating what this meant. I knew one thought that must have bothered her: he was being pushed away from the dark side and the First Order, yet he still chose not to come here and see her. That must have hurt a fair bit. But it can be hard to face up to your mistakes, and I hoped she’d understand that.

“I know you’re probably upset he didn’t come see you, General. Maybe he’ll warm up to the idea someday. He’s still understanding what it would mean to build a life away from the Order. It’s a big change and we’ve only just begun. He’s gonna be making a lot of adjustments in the foreseeable future to live a new, different life.”

“You can’t return to the Resistance, Artie,” she said all of a sudden.

“I… I’m sorry, what? Why?”

“It wouldn’t be wise, especially while you’re with Ben. I wish you all the best of luck with him, and I hope that, perhaps when the war’s over, you’ll both be able to visit me. Maybe by then he’ll be able to face me. For now, you need to make sure the First Order never finds out about this base, and you need to make sure they have no reason to trace you to it.”

“I… I suppose you’re right.” I gulped hard, my skin feeling a bit clammy all of a sudden as well. Once again, the logical and emotional sides of me were having a disagreement: the emotional side was saying ‘she can’t kick me out! I was going to return to help her, I could help her win this war!’ and the logical side saying that she was right, and that I needed to ensure there was no way to trace me back here.

“You both want to run away to Naboo, I hope you’re able to form a plan that will get you there safely, and keep you undetectable. If you have a way to contact us without being detected, you can even ask us for help whenever you’re ready. This isn’t the end of the road for either of you, I’m sure of that. But your future does not lie here, Artie.”

I bowed my head towards her, with deference and understanding.

“Yes, General. Thank you for meeting with me. Commander Dameron,” I greeted.

“I guess I’ll fly you back to Sullust, then,” he said, grabbing his vest from the backrest of his seat and replacing it on his body.

Him and Leia walked me back to the hangar where the X-wing was prepared. General Organa and I hugged it out once more, her grip was even tighter this time around.

“I’ll take good care of him, General.”

“I know you will. I can feel it.”

“I promise.”

After one last good squeeze, we parted ways and I hopped into the ship. I watched her majestic figure shrink as we flew out of the hangar and were on a course for Sullust.

When we landed on the planet, near the shuttle, I saw Kylo - no, Ben - hurry outside of it to watch us land. The look in his eyes was elated, thrilled at the sight of us landing and me climbing out of the ship. He bit his bottom lip, like he was trying to hold back some ounce of his emotions, but quickly gave in and started striding over towards me. I had no such qualms about him seeing how joyful I was to see him and took off in a run towards him.

We met somewhere in the middle in an intense embrace, grasping onto each other like we’d almost lost one another, and kissing as if it would keep us alive.

Once we pulled away, I turned back to the X-wing parked on the nearly black rocky terrain of Sullust, now morning on this side of the planet with the sun coming up behind it. Poe had been watching us, seeming mostly just dutiful as his eyes sat once more in their seemingly default, determined state. He offered a casual salute to me, using just his index and middle fingers, and I nodded at him in return. He closed the hatch to the ship and took off into the sunset sky.

Ben and I watched him fly off, hip to hip, arms around each other, prepared to stay by each other’s side for the foreseeable future.


	21. Chapter 21

I woke up the next morning with voices shrieking in my head. My eyes popped open and my body jerked, tugging the sheets along with my flailing arm. I found myself staring up at the ceiling, confusion and fear clouding my mind.

“Artie? What’s going on? Are you alright?” Kylo’s drowsy voice asked.

As I tried to regain control of my breathing, I felt the back of his hand brushing against my cheek.

“I’m fine. Just a dream, I guess.” I brought my hand up to feel for his hand, near my face. I found his forearm and laid my palm against it gently.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I turned to face him and his eyes seemed concerned, brows narrowed in. I shifted my whole body now to lay on my side, moving his arm to sit between us, and took his hand.

“I… I don’t know. I just woke up hearing voices. It’s not the first time it’s happened.”

“I experienced a similar problem a few years back. It mostly went away on its own. I believe it to be a side effect of dealing with the dark side of the Force.”

“Well, I guess it’s good that it mostly goes away.”

His grip around my hand tightened and his eyes closed.

“What? What is it?”

He took a deep breath.

“Don’t let the dark side take over you. Please. I know this is against everything I’ve taught you, but… I don’t want you to become what I have.”

I examined the expression on his face as he opened his eyes. There was a melancholy in his gaze as he stared at the meeting of our hands.

“What do you mean, Kylo?” I supposed I knew what he meant, but I wanted to know exactly what he was getting at.

“You don’t know the things I’ve done over the past few years. And I don’t want you to. It’s pointless. I’m throwing all that away, it’s the past. I don’t want you to have stories like the ones I have.”

“I’ve got stories too, Kylo. I didn’t arrive here pure and untouched by the war.”

“I know. But it’s not the same. Please, just believe me. It will get worse before it gets better. Do what your General told you. Don’t listen to the voices. No matter what they tell you.”

I considered his words carefully before shifting myself closer to him to lean my head into his chest. He put a hand around me in return.

“They tell me I’m a traitor, the same thing you’ve told me. It’s my crew, and the Resistance fighters that I’ve killed. I hear all of them, all of their pain.”

“Don’t listen to them. It is nothing but a ruse. The dark side will show you what it thinks you need to hear. It uses their voices in order to do so. You can’t listen to them.”

I let that hang for a moment as I considered his words carefully.

“Promise me, Artie. Don’t let it tempt you. Not any more.”

“Will you do the same?”

“I think it’s too late for me-”

“It’s never too late. Kylo…” I pulled away to look up at him, our noses almost touching. “Please?”

“I’ll do what I can.”

“Then, I’ll promise.” I didn’t want these voices in my head. Besides, certain powers of mine did feel stronger when I used the light side, pushing away those voices. I only wondered, was I too far gone? How much power did I have to stop it? I wanted to try.

I laid back into my pillow a bit, getting comfortable again. Before I could get comfy enough to fall asleep however, Kylo shuffled his way closer to me, nuzzling his way against my chest. I put an arm around his shoulders to welcome him in.

“Anything you need?”

“Remember you said you wanted to learn to sing when you got to Naboo?”

“Y-yeah?” I looked down at him. “You want me to sing right now?”

“Do you know any lullabies?” he asked, a cheekiness audible in his voice. He could try and disguise it all he wanted, but the softness in his delivery told me he really wanted to hear it.

I thought back to a song my parents sang me as a kid and cleared my throat.

“A tired body is a tired voice, so if it’s not that good, be kind about it please.”

“Of course, Artie.”

So I sang the song for him. It was three verses, quite short, but soft and sweet. It was about the fields and the rivers of Naboo, the beauty of nature. I think a lot of kids there learned it. It could remind us of home, no matter where else we ended up in the galaxy. And it did just that for me as I sang it.

He melted against me, slowly returning to slumber as I finished it, and I followed shortly after, though his earlier words were still heavy on my mind.

The next day, Hux called us in for a meeting. As we entered the debriefing room, I couldn’t help but notice Hux already had a devilish smile upon his face. There were also no officers present for today’s meeting. All this made me nervous, but I followed Kylo to the opposite end of the table from where Hux stood.

“What is the meaning of this meeting, Hux?” I asked cautiously, standing a couple feet behind Kylo as I usually did for meetings.

“Speaking out of turn, Apprentice?” he taunted icily.

“She is right, we have much to do. Can we get this over with?” Kylo added in, leaning menacingly over the table.

Hux’s smile grew wider for a moment into a villainous grin.

“I’ll have you know, Commander, I had a private meeting with the Supreme Leader earlier this morning. He said he would like to see your apprentice in action, completing an assignment of her own. This will be part of an assessment for her before she is to graduate from your mentorship. Once this mission is over, you will both meet with the Supreme Leader for further instruction.”

“It is my decision when she is ready to graduate. The Supreme Leader would have told me if it were time.”

“He is still on the hologram, if you would like to speak to him yourself.”

Kylo was taken aback by this, and I myself was frozen into place as I listened to them debate over my near future. The prospect of speaking to Snoke right now flushed a cool wave over my body. Before either of us could argue, Hux pulled up the hologram once more and Snoke was suddenly in front of us, observing this scene as it played out.

“Problem, apprentice of mine?” his slightly gravelly, grumbling voice boomed throughout the meeting room.

“No, Supreme Leader. I am glad you could join us.” I could tell Kylo was lying through his teeth to cover up his fear and surprise, but I had to let him continue on. “My apprentice is not ready to fulfill a mission of her own. She needs more training!”

“Wrong!” Snoke jumped in, roaring so quickly that I jumped in my skin. I tried to hold it together as my heart beat quickened in pace. “I see all, young Apprentice. She is ready for what she needs to be. And if she is not, then it is you who has failed, Kylo Ren. And I have reason to believe you may have.”

“But- Supreme Leader, I-I have been training her in the ways of the dark side, much the way you have taught me. I don’t see how I could have-”

“We will talk about this later, Apprentice. In a few days, if your apprentice succeeds, you will both come to the Supremacy and we will discuss your behaviours.”

“U-Understood,” Kylo responded, the word catching in his throat.

“Finally getting what you deserve,” Hux muttered, only for Snoke to turn to him, looking very much done with this conversation.

“Don’t be smug, General. You are below even them,” he commented before turning back to us. “Don’t fail me.”

That was the last thing he said as the hologram flickered off and the lights returned on to reveal Hux’s absolutely destroyed-looking face.

Kylo turned back to glance at me, and I could feel the sadness wafting off him, like a scent that I could smell: salty tears mingled with burnt paper. I met his glance, still trying to hold it all in, breathing in deeply to maintain my heart rate and not let it rise any higher, though a slight shake still ran through my hands. I was sure he could see the tremble.

Hux regained his composure and began relaying the mission to us -- me specifically -- but we both watched like our minds were miles away, glazed over and nearly catatonic. All I caught was that there was a small Resistance base hiding on Tatooine, under the cover of Mos Eisley’s general shadiness. It was a clever place to be, really. Everyone intermingled there, and no one was there to do anything innocent.

Soon we were silently making our way back to our rooms to pack for the mission. I walked nearly the whole way with one arm crossed over my body to prop up my other arm, which held my chin thoughtfully. This may have been the only time I’d ever walked in front of Kylo. Usually, we were side-by-side or sometimes I would be behind him. But this time, he was the one dragging behind. I imagined he could probably feel the thoughts racing through my head, as he often could.

I made my way back into my room and he followed behind me, closing the sliding door after him.

“Artie… I’ll still fly you there, I’ll… I’ll try to be there-” he began, fumbling around for some way to make it better as he removed his helmet and placed it on the side table.

“He’ll know, Kylo. He knows. He knows everything!” I sat down onto the bed, sinking further into my panic and finally letting go.

“We don’t know that he knows everything.”

“He knows enough.”

“So, what?” he asked, sitting beside me on the bed, bringing a knee up onto it. “You’re just going to go alone?”

“I think I have to.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“You can’t! Y-You shouldn’t Kylo.”

“I’m already in trouble as it is, I don’t see how it could get any worse.” He placed a hand onto my thigh, somewhat roughly, but with passion. “I’m coming with you.”

Some tears were dripping down from my eyes, but I wasn’t sobbing. I wanted to, but I felt far too numb inside, far too empty and defeated. I wasn’t worried about being able to complete the mission, I was more than capable of that, but I thought back to Kylo’s words about turning away from the dark side. Killing these Resistance fighters would only fuel my nightmares and the voices in my head; this I knew for sure. Kylo’s hand on my thigh felt millions of lightyears away right now, as I considered that in order to fulfill this mission, I would have to go against my promise.

“I can’t kill them, Kylo. I can’t do it. I need the voices to stop,” my voice droned monotonely. He removed the gloves from his hands and tossed them onto the side table before wiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumb.

“We have to at least take a ship there; they’ll check the coordinates,” he explained, his grip softening a bit on my leg. “We’ll go and do something else. We’ll figure it out.”

“We’ll have to,” I replied softly, almost inaudibly.

“We’ll leave… We’ll just leave!” he said, excitedly now.

“What?”

“We’ll just go, we’ll get out of here! They’ll never find us. We’ll land on another planet, take a new ship, just like on Sullust. We’ll chain a few planets if we have to.”

“Kylo, we can’t just run from our problems. They’ll find us. We don’t know what Snoke knows; he might know about Naboo.”

“He can’t know that we’d go there, he can’t.”

“He might though.”

I met his eyes, and he seemed just as defeated as me. There was hope for a moment, as he considered us leaving, and it was gone just as quickly. 

“We have to go, and then we have to face Snoke. Even if it kills us. There’s no way out.” And when I said it, his face just broke. And my heart had never hurt so much. Or maybe it was his pain.

“No, Artie, don’t… Don’t do this...”

“If it all goes wrong, I just want you to know that you’re not a monster.”

“Don’t say that.”  
“It’s never too late to stop being who you are to become who you want to be, Kylo. And I think you’re on the right path.”

“No… Artie, no!” He jumped up and began pacing angrily around the room, stomping around and clenching his hands. “You’re supposed to be the hopeful one! Don’t do this! I need you to tell me that it’s going to be okay, Artie. I need you to tell me we’re going to make it through this.”

My glassy eyes threatened to drop more tears as my mouth hung open, surprised by his outburst, by his words which sounded nothing like ones I’d ever heard him speak before.

“You need me?” I repeated softly, trying to understand his line of thinking.

“I need your hope, your… your playfulness in the face of pure evil, in the face of monstrosities like me. I need your softness, your singing in the middle of the night. I need someone who will treat me like a person again.” His voice nearly broke midway through, but he wasn’t going to cry. He was begging, pleading, his agitation becoming gentleness as he started to realize why he felt the way he felt as he spoke.

I patted the spot next to me on the bed, and he returned to his seat, wiping a couple more tears from my cheeks. I took both of his hands in mine.

“I just told you, you’re not a monster. Because you’re not Kylo Ren anymore. I can see it in your eyes, I can hear it in your voice.”

He released a small, hearty chuckle, and then shook his head.

“I don’t know about that.”

“Ben, I love you. And I believe in you. Even if I might not feel hopeful, I believe in us. And I think we will get through this. I just wanted some assurance. Never let yourself believe that you are a monster. You’re Ben. Just Ben. And what wonderful possibilities might that hold. As long as you’re ready, that is.”

“I… I think I am,” he said slowly. “I think I’m ready to just be Ben.”

“For the record, I think being Ben is a wonderful thing to be.”

I could see the change in his eyes, along with the understanding growing between us.

“Yes. I think it will be.”

He met my eyes, the hope was back once more along with another feeling: desire.

“Can we… before we leave, just one more time?”

“I think we could swing that, if that’s what Ben wants. Though we should leave within the next two hours, probably.”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Wanna go to your room then? The bed is bigger,” I explained.

With ravenous eyes, he took my hand and dragged me along, through the halls to his room.

I shed my cape and belt as I made my way to the bed, backing up onto it, and then watched him remove his belt and tunic as he marched towards me with purpose. I found myself biting my lip with anticipation as he tossed the clothes to the side, lunging onto the bed to hover over me and find my lips with his. His strong arms on either side of me, propping himself up, was imposing but also gentle and protective. I reached my hands up to wrap around his back, dragging my fingers along his shoulder blades, down his sides and to his waistband as I eagerly desired to feel as much of his skin pressed against me as I could have.

As I undid the button and zipper of his pants, he moved his weight to his knees, stradling me, so that he could began pushing up my long sleeve shirt, hands running up my waist and taking the grey top along with it. Every brush of his knuckles or fingertips against the skin of my stomach, my sides, sent pleasant shivers through my limbs and up my spine. Once he brought it to my underarms, I lifted my arms up for him to remove it completely, and we paused our kiss while he did so and then tossed it off to the side.

I went back to sliding his pants off his hips and down his legs as he went back to kissing, impatiently working his way around and into my mouth, licking and even gently nibbling on my lower lip. I didn’t mind at all, feeling the same ferocious appetite as him and ready for it to be satiated. A soft moan emanated from my throat, resonating in the mask of my face, which only urged him on to removing my pants. As he fumbled with the button, he pulled away for a moment to deal with it and I helped him shove the pants off my legs and to the side of the bed before he returned his tongue to mine.

Now that we were even closer, pressed against each other in an attempt to feel as much of each other as we possibly could, I could feel his hardness prodding into my thigh and the light, airy sensation deep within me grew. I released another small whimper as his fingers started rubbing me over my damp underwear and he hummed approvingly into my mouth. He traced over my folds, teasing around me and letting the fabric help create some friction. Then, he pushed aside the fabric, letting his hand dip into the slick of fluid, and dipping back up over my clit.

As he began moving circles around over the area, I let out another sighing moan, this time into the air as Ben’s kissing moved down my jaw and to my neck. He moved along, leaving more sloppy kisses, his warm breath blowing over the damp areas and sending shivers down my spine. His hand began working harder, his pace quickening, the friction absolutely delicious. I could feel heat pooling in my face and neck as he worked me up to where I wanted to be. The sounds escaping my mouth were moving faster, and my hips started bucking intuitively to meet his movements.

With a loud groan, I felt my release take over me. Waves of the light airiness flowed through my limbs, forcing me to throw my head back against the soft sheets. My hands, off to the side, were gripping into those sheets, white-knuckled and twisting. As it moved through me, slowly fading off into a pleasant warmth, his eyes met mine and he looked mighty pleased with himself.

“That was fast,” I commented breathlessly. “You learned quickly.”

“Well, I can feel you. The sensations you’re experiencing, I mean. It kinda helped.”

My mouth dropped as I gazed up at this man, sweating over me with a sly grin on his face.

“Clever boy.” I chuckled as I took his shoulders and rolled us over, with a bit of help from him allowing me.

Once he was on his back, I took his wrists and pinned him against the bed. He was still smirking up at me, admiring my flushed face and mischievous eyes, I assumed.

“Do you like being held down by me?”

“I mean, I could get up any time I want,” he pointed out with a laugh.

“But will you?”

He shook his head, holding eye contact with me. “No. I’ll stay.”

“Yes, you’ll stay. Like an obedient animal,” I teased him.

And with those words, the look on his face grew hungry once more. I let my hands drag themselves down his chest, over his stomach, slowly making their way down until I was cupping him over his briefs. As I did so, I came to notice that he was right. When I focused, I could feel the sparks of pleasure lighting up within him as I entertained his mind with anticipation. I had never done this before, but I figured if he could sense my pleasure building then I could do the same for him. Besides, I had some idea of how this worked.

I began gently rubbing the hardness I could feel through the fabric, and there were more flits of the airiness. He brought his arms behind his head, like he was enjoying the show, wondering what would happen next. I pulled his briefs partway down his hips, just until he was free from the fabric, and then continued stroking him, now gripping around his member and feeling all of its engorged glory. He watched for a few seconds before his head lolled back and a low moan rumbled in his chest. I felt the growing sensation within him, building itself brick by brick with the growing friction.

“You really needed this, hm?” I hummed out. He released a heavy groan in return, but once he did the floodgates opened and suddenly his sweet sounds were being sung over my delicate handiwork, slowly becoming less and less gentle.

My free hand began wandering over his strong thighs until it came to grip him near his hip, sending more sparks of delight up through him. As I built him up, figuring out what he enjoyed most by sensing out what got the best reaction from him, his soft moans and grunts were coming to a peak. Feeling that he was nearly there, I escalated the pace of the gripped stroking, forcing him over his edge.

“That’s it, Ben,” I cooed, watching his face for his reaction and still rubbing his thigh, as he finally choked out a final few groans, and out spattered his warm cum, which landed partially on my thigh.

His face was bright red and sweat was beading along his forehead as he started trying to catch his breath. I realized that he needed a rest, and so reached over to the night table to grab a tissue paper, to clean up the fluid off my leg as well as his shaft. I wiped it off, set the tissue back on the table, and then sat myself back between his legs. I let my hands wander their way back up his body, bringing me to face him as he still laid there, relaxed in his afterglow and now watching me intently with appreciative eyes.

“You sat so well for me, Ben.” His eyes continued to explore my face, somewhat astonished.

I pressed a kiss to his lips, and he met my motions gently, ensuring me that he was still present. When we parted, he finally spoke again.

“You continue to amuse me,” he said, releasing a small laugh, not much more than a heavy breath through his nostrils.

“And I’ll keep doing it, if you let me.” If I have the chance, I thought to myself, remembering that soon we would have to leave and it was neither here nor there how it would go.

I laid my head against his chest and one of his large hands came to hold my head and brush against my hair, patting it down softly. I hugged myself to him, wrapping my arms between his back and the bed. The warmth and heat emanating off of him was comforting, but the dread was beginning to set back in, and I could tell Ben sensed it as he began to shift into the bed uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to forget for a little while, but it’s hard not to think about it,” I rambled.

“It’s alright. We’ll deal with it. Should I go with you, then? I don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize the mission, or potentially make Hux believe that your mission was compromised or helped by me being there. He’d make it very hard on you if I did that. But I’ll only do whatever you’re comfortable with.”

I sat there for a while, thinking of what to do, or at least trying to imagine different ways it could go. My brain kept drawing blanks, however. There were too many unknowns, too many open ended questions about what awaited me on Tatooine.

“Come with me, Ben. If Hux has a problem with it, we’ll work that out when we get to it. And after we meet with Snoke and hopefully make it seem like I did it alone and completed the mission, we’ll disappear somewhere along the way back to the Finalizer. Do you think that’s possible?”

“We could send out a distress signal, change course for a quick jump to hyperspace and then switch out ships on a planet, as we discussed earlier. They’ll look for us, thinking we’ve disappeared, but they may very well be left to think that something has gone wrong.”

“Unless we come up with a better idea, that will have to be enough. I don’t know if they’ll believe it exactly, but at least it’ll get us away.” His hand brushed along my spine, sending shivers along my skin. “Besides, I’m sure absolutely none of this will go according to plan. I have a bad feeling about all of it.”

“So do I,” he sighed.

Within the hour, we had forced ourselves to part and get our gear on to leave, and we were heading for the hangar where Ben’s shuttle sat. We walked side by side, and I desperately wanted to hold his hand just in case we wouldn’t have much time left. We should be on the ship together, I told myself. I just need to hold off until then, we can’t be seen together. I kept repeating it to myself, over and over, that it was only a short while. I was so ready to be away from the First Order, Hux and Snoke, and this whole damned war.

I looked up to him; he had replaced his helmet, but I knew he was smiling down at me. A sad smile, perhaps, thinking many of the same things I was likely. But a smile. I could sense the concerns swirling around his head, possibilities entering and leaving with ease. And then, something changed. He had been doing something I hadn’t. While I was focused on him, he was focused on the ship and the officers, and Hux. His arm twitched upwards, as he continued sensing our surroundings.

“What is it?”

“Something’s wrong,” he said.

“Yes, something has changed. But what’s going on?”

As I said it, we turned the corner to see that we were not alone in the hangar. Hux was standing there, standing commandingly over two others: an officer who seemed rather familiar and a technician with striking red hair. I wanted to freeze, so badly, but I forced my legs to carry me through, as if nothing was wrong. Though I felt like I was moving through a hazy sludge.

“Ah! Come to see your apprentice off, Commander?” Hux taunted, smiling a villainous smile as the two of us approached the trio. “You recall Officer Sal?”

Sal and his icy glare met my eyes as he nodded in my direction. He had a nefarious air about him now, eyeing us like he knew everything. I nodded back, trying to hold my best poker face, though I’m certain much of my confusion and discomfort was creaking through with my tendency to wear my feelings on my sleeve.

“Of course, Officer.”

“And I believe you two are friends, are you not? ZH-2175?”

“Hello, Apprentice.” Even Zahara seemed to wish we were not in this predicament right now. She was acting on her best behaviour in front of her general.

“She will be your pilot. So, you have your crew for this mission, Apprentice. I hope they are to your liking?” Hux’s voice sounded slippery and snakelike, like he knew we would try to leave together perhaps. Or perhaps only wanted assurance. When we showed up together, it only must have reinforced this idea.

“They will do,” I forced myself to speak.

“Well, it won’t do to hold off much longer. Best be boarding.” His grin only widened, somehow becoming even more menacing than before.

Zahara gave me a look, pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, before making her way up the ramp with Officer Sal following after her.

I turned back to Ben, who was looking down at me. I knew we couldn’t have a proper goodbye with Hux around, watching our every move. He put a hand on my shoulder, more like a father than a lover. His energy was strong, almost as strong as the first time I ever felt it, when he was storming down hallways, tossing furniture across rooms and Force-choking officers to his satisfaction. He was furious, while I was still in far too much shock to feel really properly angry.

“G-good luck, Apprentice. You will do well, I’m certain of it. May the Force be with you.”

Hux had begun pacing, slinking around us as he made his way slowly towards the door to the hangar, with one eye glued to our goodbye.

It was now or never. I attempted to enter Ben’s mind, and he allowed me to do so. Before I could even say anything, I could hear his thoughts to me.

_ “Don’t be a hero, Artie. Please come back.” _

_ “I’m not going to fight anyone, I promise. If there are Resistance fighters there, I’m going to secure our ride. Your mother said they would help. Once we’ve sent out the distress signal and make the jump, we’ll have a ship waiting for us. I’ll get the details settled while I’m there. When I return, the rest of the plan will be in motion.” _

I could feel his gaze on me through his mask, though my eyes darted to the sight of Hux in the doorway, still watching us stand there, with Ben’s hand still on my shoulder.

_ “Hux is watching, isn’t he?” _

_ “Naturally, yes. I should go.” _

A few seconds of silence passed as he removed his hand from me, letting it fall gently to his side as his hand balled into a fist. I nodded at him as I turned to walk towards the ship, my shoulders slumping in on themselves and my head dropping. Everything that I had to do was running through my head now. I trudged up the ramp and took a seat in the co-pilot’s chair beside Zahara, who had started up the engine. Zahara still said nothing, probably feeling the vibe didn’t really call for it.

_ “Artie… I love you.” _

I sat up a bit straighter in my seat, causing Zahara to glance over at me curiously as the ship lifted off the ground. As we moved through the shield, entering the openness of space, I felt a solemn smile pull on my face.

_ “I love you too, Ben.” _

And soon after, we had entered hyperspace.


	22. Chapter 22

The flight was mostly quiet. Officer Sal stayed in the living quarters, probably working on a report for this mission. He was utterly unnecessary and seemed to have only been added in order to make me feel like I was being watched. Zahara’s presence confused me. How much did she know? Had Hux debriefed her on why Ben and I were traitors, and why this mission was specifically designed to separate us? She didn’t seem interested in speaking with me, and I wasn’t sure if it was because she could feel that the air was heavy around me, or if it was because she didn’t want to speak to a traitor.

Either way, after the long silence, we eventually came out of hyperspace facing the giant desert planet, mostly sandy coloured except for clouds. My mind was considering it all, running through it again, playing different scenarios out, as it had for the entire duration of the flight.

We landed in a hangar which was open to the air, and once the ship’s engine was cut, Zahara stood up and removed her pilot gloves.

“Well, we’re here,” she said plainly.

I knew what I had to do, I told myself as I placed my hood over my head. I stood up, straightened out my cloak, adjusted my belt and lightsaber, tried to take as much time as possible to just think and breathe.

We entered the loading dock and as Zahara left for the living quarters, perhaps to take a nap before we’d have to return, Officer Sal left the room to meet me.

“According to our intel, the Resistance fighters in question should be in the middle of a meeting as we speak. I’ve sent the coordinates to your holopad, which I assume you have on you?” he asked sassily, like he didn’t even trust me to be half competent about this mission.

“Of course.”

“That should be all you need. Good luck, Apprentice.” His wish of luck sounded very half-hearted. I was surprised he offered one at all.

“Thank you, officer.” I didn’t know why I thanked him either.

But with that, I lowered the ramp and walked off into the Mos Eisley streets.

I ducked down alleys, checking the coordinates every so often. My sense of direction had never been great, which was partly why I never desired to get over my fear of flying myself. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d been surrounded by so many people, all of them headed somewhere to fulfill their shady business dealings or underground trades. People from all over the galaxy, of all types, brushed past me, getting angry about me getting in their way. Never having been a big city type or knowing how to deal with them, I just ignored them and walked away. They seemed to get over it pretty quickly.

I finally arrived at the coordinates I was given to find that it was a rather large cantina. I was surprised, but this was Mos Eisley I supposed. Business deals happened over drinks here, that much wasn’t uncommon. But to train or meet here? Before entering, I checked my holopad once more. There was a note below the coordinates which read:  _ Basement, ask bartender _ . I sighed audibly at the thought of needing to speak to anyone who wasn’t directly related to this mission. I didn’t want anybody to properly see my face. I had managed so far, with my hood kept on all through the city.

But I entered the bar, knowing this part had to be done. It was somewhat busy, but there was walking room and thankfully the two bartenders weren’t too swamped. I made my way through the bar, surprised to find I attracted absolutely no attention. Everybody looked shady. My business thus far was absolutely standard for this place.

“Excuse me, sir,” I called for one of them. The human one was the one who heard me and approached. The other was a quarren man who was dealing with another customer in a language I didn’t speak.

“What can I get for you?”

“This might sound weird, but I’m supposed to find a basement here?”

His face changed and his eyes wandered down to my hip, where my lightsaber was just barely poking out of my cloak. I pulled the fabric over my body further to hide it, uncomfortable about this whole situation.

“I see. The stairway is through there. The guards will let you through,” he said pointing at the doorway before making a hand gesture to the guards, which one of them nodded at. After I observed this moment, I turned back to the bartender to thank him.

“Don’t thank me. Please, don’t.”

I raised an eyebrow at his words, but made my way over to the door the guards were watching and entered between them. I wonder how much the First Order paid the bartender, and maybe the guards too. I followed a dark passage downwards until I reached another door.

When this door opened, I found myself facing a table of people who were all watching me in return, surprised to be interrupted mid-meeting. I took a couple steps into the room, lit with one bright light in the center and the surrounding walls dark.

“This is a private meeting,” one woman spoke as the group leaned away from the table.

“I know. I’m not really supposed to be here, but I must be.”

“All weapons must be presented and left on that table,” another spoke, thinking quickly in case I was dangerous.

I turned to see the table was mostly empty except for a couple blaster pistols, probably owned by those in charge of this group. They may have been training in the Force, but none of them had the weapon of a Jedi yet.

I stepped towards the table, still facing the group and pulled my lightsaber from my hip to show them, presenting it innocently. Their faces changed when they saw it, their jaws dropped and eyes widened, some even froze, but all watched closely as I placed it onto the table and approached them.

“Who the hell are you?” the woman who seemed to be the leader asked once more in a stern commanding voice.

“Captain Artemis, formerly of the Resistance.”

“And of where nowadays?”

“Technically, the First Order. But only technically.”

“And you’re here because…”

“Well, I was sent to kill you all, but that’s not what I’m going to do. And it’s not why I’m here.”

“Well then, thank you for not killing us,” she replied sarcastically.

“I’m here because General Leia Organa told me if I needed a favour I could call one in, and since I was being sent here because of you all, I figured this was a good opportunity to send for that favour.”

“Why would the general be offering you favours?”

“Because, I used to train under her.” It wasn’t the whole truth, not even close.

“We’ve all trained under her in this group. What makes you special?”

“It’s kind of personal, if you must know.”

“What is your position with the First Order? I’ve never seen anyone wear robes like yours, except for Snoke’s apprentice.”

I smiled a crooked smile at her, with my head tilted and a sly look. Something about being here brought out a shadier personality in me. It was quite strange to behold within myself.

“That’s the part that’s personal,” I smirked.

“How can we trust you though… Captain?”

I shrugged as I leaned an arm on the table, as casually as possible.

“I could have killed you all. I didn’t, and I won’t. I have no desire to kill you all.”

“Are you returning to the Resistance then? I don’t know if we should trust you without a promise that you’re on our side.” She was still standing while the other students and sat back in their seats, observing our back and forth with interest.

“General Organa does not want me back because of my… light treason. But she promised to help me leave the First Order, which I am ready to do.”

“I still don’t understand why she’d want us to help you.”

“There’s something personal between us. A, erm… a shared companion of sorts. She wants him to leave the Order as well. So we’re jetting off together.”

“I’m sorry, so what is it exactly that you want? What is the favour?”

“The favour is two ships, one that we can pick up on one planet and take to another, and then take the second ship to a last and final location, where we will stay and live.”

“Oh, I see…” She glanced around at her students, in thought. “You and this friend just need some transportation.”

“Yes. It’s so hard to lose the First Order nowadays, so we want to confuse their coordinates by chaining the ships, and once we get to our destination we’ll have our false papers made. If you have a contact for that as well, that’d be mighty helpful.”

“What is the destination, if I may know?”

“I’d prefer the least number of people knew that information as possible. Better to make sure it doesn’t end up back in the Order’s hands.”

“I’ll contact General Organa for you, Artemis. I’ll let her decide if she wants to help you or not. But I will need to tell her where you’re going if you want the document forger.”

“I think she should already know.”

The woman in charge pursed her lips, raising a suspicious eyebrow at me. Her eyes seemed to be exploring mine for a hint of dishonesty. I’m sure she, if she was leading these students in learning to use the Force, was probably fairly good at trusting her instincts by now. And she musn’t have sensed any reason to doubt me, as she made for a holopad, sitting in the center of the table, pressing a button which pulled up a hologram for another captain, in their Resistance clothes, who must have been lightyears away on D’Qar at the moment.

“What is it, Captain Lucienne? Is everything still in order?” he asked her, seeming concerned at first.

“I have a message for General Organa from one Captain Artemis, of the First Order.”

“Not of the First Order!” I called out for the captain to hear me.

“Ah yes, I am aware of the captain.”

“Yes, she claims that the General offered a favour for her? She’d like to call in her favour.”

“I see. May I speak to her?”

Captain Lucienne met eyes with me and nodded her head to tell me to approach. I made way around the table to stand before the hologram of a slightly older black man who had a kind and strong face.

“Hello Captain,” I greeted.

“Captain Artemis, I’ve heard stories. Let me know what you need and I will relay it and set everything in motion.”

“Thank you very much. The plan is to leave the First Order quite soon, within the next twelve hours most likely. If we could have two decoy ships ready for us, I believe the best places for these ships, due to their large distance from one another should be Takodana and Felucia, as we’ll fly under the radar there.”

“Two ships?” he questioned.

“Yes, I’ll need the two ships secured on the two planets, ready and fueled up to be flown across the galaxy. General Organa should know the destination, which brings me to the last part of the favour: we’ll need someone at that destination who can forge documents for us. New legal names, information saying that we’d lived there for many years, our entire lives.”

“I believe this can all be arranged, Captain. If that’s all, I’ll let General Organa know.”

“Yes, that should be all. We don’t need a pilot, we just need ships waiting for us and a paper forger on the destination planet.”

“I’ll get to work on this and send you the coordinates, Captain. It should be ready in the given timeframe.”

“Thank you so much,” I sighed, some hint of pleading weakness coming through as I felt the relief of the plan being in order. This was it, this was the ticket out. It was happening.

I swapped him my holopad information so that he could send me the coordinates when he received them, and then the hologram shut off and I made my way back to the table to grab my lightsaber.

“Thank you for your time, Captain Lucienne. I’ll always remember this. You’ve no idea what it means to me.”

“Mhm,” she replied sternly.

I hooked the lightsaber to my belt, the whole table watching once more as I did so.

“May the Force be with you all in your fight against the First Order,” I saluted, practically skipping out the door and up the stairs.

It was all in order. All we had to do was report back, make it seem like we’d done our jobs and all went well, and that all our loyalties and intentions were to the First Order. Now came another hard part, facing Snoke with these lies and somehow making him believe them, make him believe that we have no reason to defect from the Order.

I re-entered the cantina, looking much the same as I’d left it except for the clientele had moved around, left or arrived. I made my way for the door, only to be stopped by a strange Trandoshan man who grabbed my shoulder and roughly pinned me against the wall.

“Excuse me, sir! I’m rather busy right now, so if you could just-”

“General Hux sent me to check on your little mission,” his snake-like voice hissed, getting stuck on the s’.

“Oh, well. You can tell him the deed is done,” I said, confidently lying through my teeth.

“Really?” he asked, rather joyously like he knew more than he let on.

“Yes, actually.”

“I didn’t hear a lightsaber, or the screams of those rebel insects. They’re still down there, aren’t they?”

“Only their bodies. Why did he send you, anyway? You can’t be First Order.” It was an attempt to distract him, but I was willing to try anything at this point.

“You’d be surprised where one’s loyalties can lie, if the credits speak the right language, say the right things.”

“So, you’re a bounty hunter?” I asked, edging my hand towards my lightsaber slowly, hoping he wouldn’t notice. “A lowly job for a lowly creature.”

“It pays better than being in either the Resistance or the First Order ever will. Not to mention the sport, the fabulous hunt, the game and the chase. Oh, I do love the chase!” he bantered on. His eyes finally darted downwards, catching sight of my weapon. “And what have we here?”

Both our hands shot towards it at the same time, but those Trandoshan reflexes were too fast and he took it first.

“You don’t see these around much anymore. It’ll fetch me a nice price, methinks! Maybe I’ll play around with it first, try it out on a hunt.” He held up the weapon with his free hand, admiring it.

It was only looking worse and worse. I noticed the patrons at the bar hardly even noticed us. Some watched though, like it was a show.

“So, get it over with. What, did Hux ask you to bring me back and report on me? On my failure?”

“Not quite, darling.” His reptilian eyes examined my face under my cloak. “No, Hux was very clear about what I was to do with you if I found that you hadn’t complied.”

My heart quickened until it was very suddenly pounding against my ribcage, and I gulped down hard, my throat painfully dry. I wanted to be surprised that Hux had sent out a hit on me, but I couldn’t be. He’d had it out for me ever since I’d hurt his pride that day in the hangar, when I Force choked him.

“But oh, how should I do it? I’ve been wondering all week. It’s not often one gets to kill a Jedi, a Sith, whatever it is you be. I could do it with a blaster, be done with it quickly. You’d suffer less. But now, what’s the fun in that?”

“To be humane?” I offered, still trying to buy myself more time while I considered my options here. Could I use the Force to get my lightsaber back somehow? Even if I Force pushed him, his reflexes would have him back on his feet quicker than I’d be able to act, and he’d have a straight shot at me.

“Or I could try out your little toy here. That could be fun, and you’d get some poetic justice.”

“Justice probably isn’t the right word.” His eyes narrowed towards me at my comment.

Even if I tried to pull the saber to me, there was a chance that his grip was too strong. I didn’t see a way to surprise him with that.

There was one other thing, something I’d only seen Ben do once. I had never tried it before, but now was the time to try anything, and he needn’t even notice I was doing it until it was too late. And so, I slowly began concentrating. I felt around every edge of him, every scaly limb and clawed nail, pointed tooth and sensitive nerve. All of him that existed in the physical, all that could be held by the Force.

“I was always told not to play with my prey, but it can be so fun. I don’t know if I’m finding you fun anymore, to be frank, darling.”

As I held all of him, held his frame, every corner of him, all his sharp edges. It was strangely intimate in a way that I hated. Why did Ben use the Force this way?

“What are you doing? Just standing there? Aren’t you a Jedi? Fight, Jedi! You’re giving in this easily?”

Now that I had all of him, all I had to do was hold him. Hold him perfectly still. Hold him exactly where his contours lay. And I did. I mustered all the focus I could to hold him in place, to freeze him to the spot. For at least a few seconds.

His face changed to a look of surprise as he slowly found himself unable to move, unable to push against the force that held him in place. His slitted eyes widened until they also froze, angrily directed towards me.

And just as I was prepared to make my escape, to reach for my lightsaber and remove my shoulder from his hand, something else happened instead. A figure wearing a dark cloak grabbed the Trandoshan and shoved him to the ground roughly, while he was still frozen. The first thing I did before I even took in what was happening was I reached down to take my lightsaber from the frozen body, and then released him of my concentration where he could now react to the pain of hitting the floor. Much of the cantina was watching us now, not anticipating the hit escaping the hunter.

I turned to the one who’d come only slightly late to my aid, and by slightly late I mean I likely would have made it after freezing him in place. He needn’t have been there, but here my saviour was. Underneath a dark grey cloak I had never seen before, was Ben, taking in heavy breaths and watching me with wild eyes.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, slightly too loudly as I approached him and hugged myself to him. As odd as it may sound, due to how entwined our lives were now, he was the last person I expected. I was surprised Hux even let him out of his sight while I was away.

“I had a hunch,” he replied, bringing his arms around me as well now.

We parted to gaze at each other, and were soon making our way through the Mos Eisley streets once more.

“It was Hux,” I informed him.

“I know.”

“We can tell Snoke that Hux acted emotionally, he acted in his own self-interest. This was petty. This was personal.”

“We should just leave now. Snoke won’t take our side on this, Artie.”

“The ships won’t be ready for a few hours. Where else will we go? Besides, Zahara and Officer Sal are still waiting on the shuttle in the hangar.”

“No, they’re not.”

“How do you know?”

“The hangar was the first thing I checked when I arrived. How do you think I got the coordinates for this place? They were in the middle of preparing to leave, and once I got what I needed, they did leave. They had been told to abandon you here.”

I felt the slightest bit betrayed by Zahara, believing in Hux over me. But it was what she knew. I wanted to blame her, but I also knew it was more complicated than that.

“So, how did you get here?” I asked him, realizing I had been tightly gripping on his forearm the whole time we’d been speaking and walking.

That sly Solo smile pulled on to his face, and he turned away to try and stifle it for a moment.

“What did you do?” I questioned further, a laugh escaping me.

“I stole a TIE fighter.”

As the words hit my ears, I felt a cackle being pulled from my throat and I laughed so hard that I found myself curling in against his chest.

“They took my fucking shuttle,” he complained defensively.

“I hope it has two seats.”

“It does, don’t worry. I thought this through.”

“Right. Well, let’s get the hell outta here.”

“And go where? Why don’t we just send the distress signal and head for the first planet?”

“The only way we’re making this believable is if we tell Snoke we’re devoted to the Order and tell him we’ve decided to not let our feelings for each other get in the way. We’ll tell him that I’m graduating your apprenticeship, that I’ll be going on my own missions now.”

“He won’t exactly believe that, given you’ve failed this one. Not to mention, if he is aware of Hux’s plan, he doesn’t quite care if you’re capable or not. The plan was to… dispose of you.”

“Well, we can’t just leave,” I said once more, as we entered the public hangar where his TIE fighter was parked. It certainly earned some strange looks from others in the lot.

We stopped in front of it and he took my hands.

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to do, Artie. There’s no way we’re getting to the Supremacy. The way I see it, they’ve effectively kicked us out. We’re free!”

“I’m free only under the prospect that I’m dead. What if they check in with the bounty hunter and find out I’m not? Which, I imagine they will do.”

“They still won’t know where you went,” he argued. “They don’t care about you as much as you think they do. We’ll leave, we’ll head to the first planet to wait until the ship is ready, and then we’ll leave.”

“I should tell you I asked for a document forger, an extra measure,” I decided to unveil to him.

“Even better! Let’s go, Artie! Let’s just go.”

That last time he said it was so soft, so pleading, begging. I wanted to believe him, to trust that he was correct on this. I wasn’t sure, but I also had to tell myself that he knew the Order better than I did. I had to trust him, because I loved him. Perhaps that was weakness, but it was compromise also. So I accepted it.

“Okay. Let’s go.”

I offered a smile to him, which I think showed some of my uncertainty. But he still smiled rather warmly in return, thanking me for the faith.

“Where’s the first planet?” he asked as we began climbing into the TIE fighter.

“Takodana. Once we get there, I’ll receive the coordinates for the ship. We’ll go find it, then fly to Felucia where the second ship should be waiting. Then we’ll go to… Naboo,” I said the name of the planet only once the hatch was closed. “Both are mostly neutral planets, so we should have no problem.”

“Sounds good.”

He switched on the engines and we made our way out of the hangar, out of the atmosphere and on to a future unlike anything we could have known so far in life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, thanks for reading this far! I hope it brought some joy to you while you read to (almost) the end!
> 
> One last chapter coming up! It's gonna have some smut too, because why not enjoy the fact that it's over?
> 
> Thank you, readers!


	23. Epilogue

The plan went pretty smoothly. We started on a path to the Finalizer, sent out a distress beacon partway through, and then switched course for Takodana. We arrived and spent some time in the castle there, buying drinks with our hoods up and not really speaking to anyone. No one recognized Ben without his helmet, either. After hours of banter, I finally received the communique with the coordinates for the ship.

We went on a hike through the forest, a few hours into the deep foliage and the mountains, until we found a small shuttle sitting in the forest, waiting with the ramp down for us to enter.

We boarded, and took off into hyperspace across the entirety of the galaxy to Felucia. And once there, we landed near the coordinates for the second ship and swapped, readying to take the second shuttle to Naboo.

While Ben began turning on the engines, I explored this ship with the intent to take a nap until we arrived, but instead I found a gift and a small note left with it.

“Ben!” I called him over before we took off. He hurried over to me in the only room on the shuttle, looking worried.

“What is it?” he asked, approaching and seeing what I was talking about. I began to read the note.

“ _ To Artie and Ben, I thought you might like to blend in once you arrive. Entering Naboo dressed like Sith lords may not exactly go over well. Here are some clothes to wear as you start this new chapter of your lives _ ,” I read the note. The handwriting was slender and rounded, and I had a feeling I knew who wrote it. When I turned to Ben, I think he knew as well.

“That… that’s so generous. She didn’t have to…” he trailed off.

“She wanted to. Trust me, I know her and she doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do.”

“You know her better than me,” he said, realizing it as he spoke it.

“You could know her too. Maybe someday, when the war is over.”

“Maybe. Not soon though, I need time.”

“Whenever you’re ready,” I smiled up at him, and he smiled back down at me before giving a quick peck to my lips.

I turned back to the gift and opened it, removing the lid off the box to see that they were clothes. Luxurious clothes as well, with threads of gold and silver over rich maroons and turquoises, which would certainly blend in in the capital.

“She knows we’re going to live on a farm, right? If we wear these, they’ll get absolutely filthy,” I giggled as he moved in behind me to see them.

“Well, she was a princess once.” He leaned his head down against the side of mine.

I brought one of my hands up to hold the side of his face to me gently. He pressed another kiss to my cheek.

“Soon, we’ll be there. And we can try to put all this behind us.”

“I get the feeling you’re still concerned they’ll come find us.”

“I do worry. But between the two of us, I’m sure we could fight off whatever they sent our way. Two Jedi like us.”

“I don’t know if Jedi is the right word,” he pointed out as he placed another kiss slightly closer to my jawline.

“Sith sure isn’t anymore. Even less so than it was before,” I explained thoughtfully.

“Well, with our time living on the farm, won’t we just be… normal?” The next kiss came to the top of my neck.

“Sure, mostly. If that’s what you want. It wouldn’t hurt to keep up some of our training though, I think. Just as an added measure.”

He hummed against the sensitive skin of my neck, leaving a few more soft kisses along the way.

“I guess we can do that.” With every word, his warm breath spilled over my skin, caressing me. And as much as I loved every moment of it, I was impatient to get to Naboo, to settle in and feel like we were finally far away from it all. Once we were living in a world of our own making, then I would feel free to enjoy whatever we could do to each other without concerns.

“Don’t you have a ship to fly, Ben Solo?” I asked, craning my head to meet his eyes.

“It could wait.” His brown eyes looked so soft, so excited for what could come next.

“Let’s just get there first. Please? I don’t think I’ll feel safe until we get to the farm.” 

He pressed one more kiss to my cheek, his eyes still looking hopeful, still looking optimistic.

“Let’s get us there, then.”

Arriving on Naboo, we flew over the capital city, Theed, from a great height and admired the decorative architecture, the teal rounded roofs and gardens looking so small. From there, I was able to guide us towards the farm, which was a couple hours away by speeder and even faster by shuttle.

“That’s the one,” I said, excitedly pointing out an old farm building sitting in the midst of a field. It looked quite worn and broken down, but it was still there.

We landed nearby in the field, and I I dragged Ben along, down the ramp and up the path towards the building, which was a small cabin made with worn looking wood. In the distance, were hoards of shaaks grazing in the fields.

We stopped in front of the front porch, examining the building in front of us.

“It could use some work,” Ben pointed out as his eyes danced over the front of the cabin, observing the state of the wood.

“We have nothing but time to do it,” I pointed out with a chuckle.

“It’s so weird that we’re here. I never thought we’d get here.”

“It’s all thanks to you. You told me we could leave, and then we left. It is pretty hard to believe.”

We examined the interior, finding some old furniture which all needed to be replaced as they’d been worn and used, probably by small animals and insects who managed to get through the old wood of the exterior.

“Maybe we should get a hotel in the city for a few nights while we get stuff to fix this place up?” I suggested.

“That’s probably a good idea,” he chuckled, examining a broken down bookshelf, made with wood and also very worn. “I have some credits stowed on me.”

“I have some too. Not much, but hopefully together we’ll get a couple nights out of that. Let’s head back to the ship.” I took his hand and dragged him back to the shuttle.

We hopped in, changing into the clothes Leia had packed for us, finding them useful after all, returning to the capital. We found a hotel not too close to the city centre and found that there were vacancies, luckily. There mustn't have been anything big happening in Theed at this time for there to be room for us.

We dropped off the small amount of luggage we had, a couple satchels each, in the entrance way to the room and Ben went ahead to plop down on the bed while I immediately gravitated towards the bathroom and started running a bath and began removing some of my clothes, piece by piece, tossing them onto the counter.

The room wasn’t especially elegant, based on what we could afford, but it was still infinitely nicer and warmer than the Finalizer. The colour palette was made up of tans and sandy colours, turquoise-ish greens and sky blues. A vase of dried exotic flowers sat on the corner of the bathroom counter, from what I had seen the bed sheets were silk, and the bathtub was large enough to soak in very comfortably. On the counter, I also found some bubble bath, which I poured into the running water, and sweet smelling soaps.

After I’d had a hot bath and came out smelling like a candle shop, I meandered back into the bedroom with one of the hotel robes around my body now. I took a spot on the bed next to Ben’s napping body, which was slowly and gently heaving with each deep breath, with his limbs splayed out across his side of it. His eyes slowly opened as he felt the bed shake a bit while I shifted into it, trying to get comfortable.

“Sorry to wake you, Ben. You can go back to sleep if you like,” I told him as I laid back beside him, moving his arm just out of the way for me to lay. I took his hand as we laid beside each other and he slowly seemed to come to.

“No, it’s fine,” he commented as he placed his other arm over his stomach, looking comfortable.

“I’ve never seen you look this relaxed.” I found myself mindlessly brushing my thumb over the back of the hand I held.

“Nor have I you.” His eyes examined my damp hair and robe. “You smell very nice.”

A smile pulled on my face, with the corners of my lips twitching upwards. I shifted myself in, closer to him, and he followed suit before bringing an arm around to be placed on my waist. I placed one hand onto his cheek, holding him like a treasure for myself, like something delicate and valuable, like something I was afraid could disappear at any moment.

“You’re so beautiful,” I said, mindlessly observing all his features like it was the first time all over again - from his lovely, long nose to the constellations of moles, his warm brown eyes to his plump lips.

He didn’t seem to know how to react to my comment and just sort of blushed and turned back to face the ceiling. I let the hand on his cheek fall to his chest, feeling his sturdy frame through the relatively flimsy fabric of the aristocratic clothing. My fingers immediately found the top button of the shirt to finnick with.

The room was so quiet and, for once, it was a nice kind of quiet. The only vague sounds were from outside the window, where occasionally a bird could be heard, or groups of people down on the streets. It felt like something that would be the beginning of many more perfect days.

“We should probably go see about finding some carpenters and such,” he mumbled, trying to not pay attention to my fingers.

“I had something else in mind,” I whispered as sensually as I could muster, popping the button out of its hole and moving onto the next one. “It could wait.”

A smile pulled across his face, but he just continued to watch me.

“I guess I could be convinced.”

The hand playing with the second button fumbled with it for a moment before it also popped out of its hold. Then to the third one, undoing it as well. All the while, his eyes watched mine and I watched him in return, searching for some small reaction of any kind. My hand slipped into his shirt, feeling its way over his firm chest. I made my way down, over his stomach, just teasing the waistband of his pants before making my way back up, brushing my fingers over one of his nipples.

His shoulders jerked back a bit, perhaps not expecting how sensitive it would feel to him. But, seeing him settled back in, I figured he must have been alright with it and carried on. He seemed to start enjoying the sensation as I gently let the pads of my index and middle finger dance around the stiff nub. His breathing slowly picked up in pace, and the sounds of his heavy exhales was so sweet to my ears. And just as it was really picking up, I stopped the playful rubbing, slipping my hand back out of the shirt.

“Oh, now that’s not fair,” he exhaled the words heavily.

“No, it isn’t, is it? What are you gonna do about it, Ben Solo?”

Before I even finished speaking, he yanked his already mostly unbuttoned shirt off, over his head, and tossed it aside. In one quick movement, he straddled himself over my thighs and leaned over to press his lips to mine. As our lips met over and over again, eagerly fitting against each other, his hands made their way down my waist. He stopped only to lean back and find the hem of the floor length dress Leia had picked out for me. I wasn’t one for dresses, but naturally it was a gorgeous one and if I had to wear one, it may as well have been this one.

His hands brought the hem up with them as they made their way back up my legs, and once the hem was at my hips, he returned to hungrily kissing my lips. My hands found their way to his wavy hair, tangling my fingers through it and holding his face to mine preciously.

When he finally pulled away, he left kisses along my jawline, finding himself somewhere near my ear where he whispered,

“I’ll show you what I’m gonna do about it.”

He kissed his way along the bodice of the dress. Finding himself near my now exposed underwear, he looked back up at me with intense eyes, looking like someone on a mission.

“Oh, don’t you dare!” I teased in return, giggling as I spoke.

He answered by dragging a finger up me, over the fabric of my underwear, forcing a shiver through my body. He teased further, letting the friction of his hand mingle with the friction of the fabric and causing me to release a soft moan.

“Let’s just get this out of the way,” he commented, a glint of mischief in his voice as he pulled the garment down my legs, tossing it away, and then resettling himself before the meeting of my legs.

He didn’t dive in immediately though. His eyes made their way over my legs, up to my core, over my dress covered torso and up to my pink flushed face. I crossed one arm over my belly and brought the other behind my head, getting comfortable and enjoying the sight of him in return. Maintaining eye contact, he slowly bent lower, hooking an arm under my thigh. He left some soft kisses and nips along the inside of my leg, then switching to the other leg.

A groan escaped my lips as he teased his way up, getting close to where I wanted him, only to switch to something else and start over from farther back. Some soft humming sounds were formed in my chest as he continued getting me all worked up.

“Please, Ben,” I managed to breathe out.

“What’s the rush? I’m just enjoying this for now.” His voice had never sounded so patient and unhurried.

He returned to work tongue-first, eventually bringing his lips down to meet the sensitive skin of the inside of my leg. My breathing was already beginning to hitch the slightest bit. I thought he would finally bring his mouth to my folds, but he surpassed it, kissing his way up my pelvis until he met my dress, and then he came back up to my lips, briefly kissing them.

“We have all the time in the world, now,” he reminded me, eyes wandering over my face.

“I know, I know,” I exhaled, thinking perhaps he wanted to stop for now and rest for a while.

It would be the first chance we had to really rest without any other concerns on our minds. Getting the carpenter wasn’t a big deal, we didn’t need to be in a hurry to do that. Nothing really needed to wear heavy on our minds right now.

Instead, one of his hands wandered over me, brushing across the soft skin and then settling in against my twitching and ready clit. It was so starved for stimulation that the first touch and the beginning of his movements forced my whole body to fold into him. I wrapped my arms around his back, holding me to him, and leaned my head up into his shoulder, releasing a whimpering groan. He released a small snicker at the reaction he’d elicited and I couldn’t help but return the laugh.

“I love the little sounds you make,” he whispered breathily into my ear.

I relaxed back into the bed with a small giggle and he continued working the hand against me. His mouth kissed the side of my face, eventually finding its way down my neck to a spot where it got comfortable, gently biting and nipping at the area. Another moan found itself lodged deeply in me and I noticed my cheeks and neck were burning up by now. This moan earned a hum of approval from him.

“So sweet. You always said you wanted to sing.”

“It’s not… exactly what I meant,” I joked between the heavy breaths he was pulling from me. They were only becoming heavier.

“Well, this makes me just as happy.”

He sturdied his hand against me picking up his pace. I’m sure he sensed the build within me.

“Oh, Ben…”

And it built further, and further, and further, and just when I thought it surely couldn’t have gone on, the familiar feeling of unravelling flooded my mind. The air escaped me for a moment, leaving one last strained whimper in its wake.

As my mind returned to the moment, I realized sweat had formed under my hairline and my face must have been positively maroon by now, it was so hot. He seemed really pleased with himself.

“You look nice like this,” he said mindlessly, admiring every inch of my sweat soaked face.

“Well, you look quite nice hovering over me like this,” I chuckled out. “I don’t know if you’ve ever looked nicer than right now. You look like a prince, now that you’re not wearing all those black robes.”

“I mean, I am a prince,” he pointed out with a smirk tugging at a corner of his mouth.

I brought a hand up and placed it softly against the side of his face.

“Yes, you are.” I had half-forgotten. “Prince to a place that no longer exists. How cruel.”

“Well, I can’t miss something I’ve never known, so it doesn’t feel too cruel.”

I pulled his face to me, kissing him and hoping to provide some kind of comfort.

“You’re my prince.”

“Well, I think that would make you a princess.”

“I’m so far away from being a princess, Ben,” I laughed. “I’m more like a smuggler than anything.”

“The prince and the smuggler. It almost sounds like the name of a book for children or something.”

“You have that calligraphy set. It could be a book for children.”

“Maybe I’ll have found a calling for myself.”

“Maybe. I could see that for you. You could be a writer, a great poet,” I suggested, gesturing my hand in a royal fashion to imply the highness of his hypothesized talent.

“And maybe you could sing the words,” he laughed, poking me in the cheek playfully.

At that, I took his shoulders and rolled us over so that I leaned over him now.

“Maybe I could.”

I kissed him gently, but I guess the thoughts of our potential future had excited something within him, stirred up the hope he had for us, made him want to savour every moment of this as within seconds he had deepened the embrace. He held my waist, pulling me in closer and forcing my mouth open the smallest bit. I responded by snaking my tongue to his, causing him to smile into the kiss.

He bit my bottom lip, a mischievous look in his eyes once more.

“So, you wanna… canoodle some more?”

“Ew, do not say it like Hux. He’s the last person I want to be thinking about right now,” I cackled, holding my hands over my face.

“What’s wrong with canoodling?” he asked with a chuckle, pulling one of my hands away from my face, revealing a concerned eye.

“Why must you do this?” I whined, secretly amused at how playful he was acting.

“What?”

“You know what. If you stop saying it, maybe my hand will find and remove your belt. But only maybe.”

“Okay, okay.” He held his arms up, displaying surrender before returning to my waist.

Placing a small kiss to his nose, I sat up, the dress I was still wearing followed as I straddled his thighs, looking down on his relaxed form.

“You look lovely, waiting for me like that. Hoping I’ll do something.”

One of his eyebrows cocked and he continued to look amused at my teasing.

“I mean, if you do, it will be mutually beneficial for us, I’m sure.”

“I already got something today. I could just say I’m done.”

“You could have even more. That’s another option.”

“True. It’s a tempting proposition,” I taunted him, bringing my hands to his the leather of his belt, tracing a finger along the edge of the material.

“I’ll make it worth your while.”

I popped the flap of the belt free from the buckle.

“Mhm, sounds promising.”

“I’ll have more of those sounds of yours.”

I yanked the belt from the loops in his pants, and he lifted his hips up a slight bit to let it follow.

“Will you?”

“I would very much like to.”

“Hm.”

As I unbuttoned his pants, the outline of his shaft was visible through the airy fabric. I raised my eyebrows knowingly at him, a slight blush rising to my cheeks, and he just offered a similarly knowing smile in return.

“Here, let me-” he jumped in, trying to take the attention off himself for a moment, reaching for the hem of the dress. I helped him lift it over my head and we tossed it over the edge of the bed. I hadn’t bothered with a bra, since ideally we weren’t going to be seen by anyone anyway. We mostly succeeded there, except for the receptionist of the hotel.

So, I was now entirely bare atop him.

“You’re so beautiful.”

I smiled down at him as I finished my work with his pants, yanking them down his legs, tossing them to the side, and then doing the same with his briefs. Once it was freed, his member bobbed up against the side of his thigh.

For a moment we gazed at each other, him up at me and me down at him. Then, breaking the moment, I leaned forward to kiss his neck, searching for a nice soft spot to make home. When a deep sound vibrated from his chest, I knew I’d found the place and started gently nipping and lapping at the skin there.

Meanwhile, my hand wandered down to find his shaft, and began working it along with my movements. He moaned out softly as I started.

“How’s that, Ben?”

“Oh, fantastic.” The way he said it was enough for me to understand.

I continued the movements until soon I was roughly kneading him, earning sweet sounds from him which came faster and quicker. Soon, his hips were jerking to meet my motions. When I thought he must have been close, he stopped me, pulling away my hand and motioning something to me.

“Please,” he pleaded in a breathy voice.

Understanding what he meant now, I smiled down at him brightly and shifted myself so that I could line us up.

“Ready?”

“Yes, now. Please.”

I slowly lowered myself onto him, letting my body adjust to his size inch by inch. Another groan tumbled out of his mouth as more of himself was touching more of me. And once he was a decent way inside me, I began my movements, letting the building wetness ease the motions as we went on. I noticed that in this position, he was hitting a spot somewhere within me which felt amazing. I continued, leaning slightly forward over him, thrusting my hips over his pelvis.

“Oh, Artie, I’m… I’m…”

A moment later, he released a choked out groan and I felt the warmth of his climax inside of me.

“That’s it, love,” I commented through heavy breaths, my hands trailing mindlessly over his chest as I watched the glow of his release take over him, colouring his cheeks pink. Once I could tell he was finishing, I removed myself from him and rolled over to lay beside him.

He took my hand, pulling me to him, and I let him hold me to his chest.

“I love you, so much,” I said somewhat mindlessly, watching his chest heave as he tried to regain his breath.

“I love you too.”

Once we cleaned up, we found ourselves on the balcony, watching as a festival lit up the streets of the capital this evening, lanterns and colourful costumes galore. I traced my hand along the railings as I watched the square, where people had started dancing to a live band.

“Well, this is our lives now.”

“I guess so. I never dreamed it would be so… colourful, and bright.”

“I had always hoped it would be.”

“Of course you did. You, with all that rebellious hope.”

“Yes, that rebellious hope.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought I'd end on some sex. I wanted a happy ending so, why not?
> 
> Thank you for reading to the end! Love you, readers!

**Author's Note:**

> I debated forever on if/when to post this, considered waiting until Rise of Skywalker came out in case I wanted to change anything based on what happens in the movie, but I figured this story takes place away from the story in the films anyway.
> 
> Plus, I'm quite close to finishing the last few chapters of it, so I may as well start posting. I hope you enjoy!


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